i'm freaking but i have a plan
 

greetings,

i am completely overwhelmed, can't take a deep breath and can't seem to get anything done. i am filled with confusion, shame and guilt - and remorse.

my body hurts, my mind hurts and my emotions are all over the place.

2 years ago in September, my mother died. we were very close - my kids and i lived with her. she fell down and hurt herself - and 3 months later she died of respitory failure. that's when i got sober. i was sober for a year and then i relapsed. i have been drinking again for 6 months - almost exactly. all the progress i had made in my life has fallen apart - things are really a mess. yet, i have much to be grateful for. but i absolutely can't stand me - more and more each day. i have been wanting to get sober - even attempted it a few times, but, as my disease has progressed, i am finding it difficult. i am worried about detoxing on my own. i posted here and the advice was to go to my doctor. my s/o is supportive and wants to send me to treatment - which i would love - but, with no insurance, we just can't swing it right now. we contemplated waiting - saving money for it - but i can't face the thought of having to drink daily for a few months more - until i could get in - so, i made an appointment for monday morning with my doctor. even though it is going to be really hard to admit to her that i relapsed and ask her for help - i don't see a way around it - at this point. it's like someone here said - how badly do i want to get better? so i will go - talk to her and ask her for help with detox -

i don't really know how she will help - i'm hoping that she will give me something for the anxiety...

so here i sit, drink in hand, feeling like an absolutely worthless human being.... i have so many things that i need to be doing but i seem to be unable to move, did i mention i can't breath?

i have today - tomarrow to get through and then i get to go see the doctor. then i will be able to stop i hope.

so i am hanging on to the fact that i have a plan - at least the beginnings of one.

i appreciate being able to vent... to talk it through - to use you all for a sounding board.... am i missing anything?

miss whisper

You are definitely not worthless.

Remember addiction is not a character defect. It's a disease.

And, I do understand the self-loathing that is so much a part of the cycle of addiction. But, you are seeking help and we are here to support you.

And, talking to your dr is definitely the way to go. She will let you know whether or not it's safe for you to detox on your own at home.

Welcome Miss Whisper,

You have found a great site with wonderful people here, who are very supportive and helpful. Congrats on having a plan. Don't beat yourself up for having a drink in your hand. You are not a worthless human being! Follow your plan and talk with your doctor. I wish you well!

:ghug3

Yes...your making a wise move by seeing your doctor.

I did not go to a de tox or a treatment center.
I had no idea that I needed to ...:chairfall

Here is a link to check out...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Please note that not 1 person had the exact same experiences.
And everyone came out of withdrawals
:)...alive and sober.

Blessings to you and your family

We do recover.

do you promise?

I know that it is one thing at a time but what is your plan after detox? I'm an AA guy with almost 6 months of sobriety. Through AA, I got over the self-hatred fairly early and I am living a good sober life. Perhaps consider some type of recovery program (set an appointment with a counsellor to discuss options?).

I did have some long stetches without drinking in the past (measured in months) but in retrospect, it really wasn't sustainable sobriety. Periods of white-knuckling, bitterness, fear of/avoiding people, places, situations.

Your one year of sobriety will be an asset to you. You know it can be done and you have already developed some tools to get through some of those inevitable tough situations. An effective recovery program can make you stronger and enrich the quality of your sober life.

Take good care of yourself.

yes - i do have a plan for recovery. aa. i know that i can't do it alone - my goodness, have i tried. i live in a tiny community and did aa here when i was sober before. part of my relapse had to do with pulling away from the local aa community. it isn't always the most healthy recovery scene.

taking that into consideration and knowing that i need recovery - i will be attending aa out of the area. i have to - and i need - like you said - an "effective" recovery program - so rather than doing the same thing and expecting a different result - :) - i am making a plan around it.

thankyou for your comments, everyone.

If you promise to plan your plan, stick to your plan and work your plan then I'll spit shake a promise with you... Deal???????

deal! thanks.

you guys give me hope.

blessings to you.

I was just able to attend a free medically supervised detox through the city and county where I live. I didn't have a job, or any health insurance.

It was not the best of situations, but I survived and learned to let go of A LOT of my own personal charater defects.

I was in a program that had people from the streets, and prisons, but I had no other choice. (I have never been on the streets, or to jail.) But it helped me see up close and personal who these folks really were.

I could not quit on my own, and so with a very happy smile I walked in the doors of this place once I (with the help of my Dad and his girlfriend) found it. There were many road blocks, but I refused to give up.

Try calling the program that helps the homeless in your area, or a church group that helps the homeless. Sometimes you have to really prove how serious you are about going into a program, and show up every morning...or something like that. But if we really want it...we will go to any lengths. Don't give up. Help IS out there.

I'm grateful to be alive, clean and sober today. And so grateful I asked for help.

thanks... so much.

for caring....

we are all in this together, aren't we?

I'm glad you're going to have a doctor's help to detox, as it can be dangerous as well as really unpleasant. But it can be done, you can stop drinking one day at a time. :praying:ghug

And no, you're not worthless!