Day 5
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Day 5
though I'm struggling through emotions and insecurity I am staying clean. just moments ago I saw my girlfriends last beer in the fridge and i wanted to drink it at 7AM. the feeling passed.
either way i'm not going to drink and i'm not going to do my most recent drug of choice. I'm going to make good choices today, all today.
either way i'm not going to drink and i'm not going to do my most recent drug of choice. I'm going to make good choices today, all today.
Seriously Fun!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California coast
Posts: 415
Hang in there...and yeah...try to get all alcohol out of the house. Anyone who lives with you should be willing to help and support you in this.
Just as I had 3 years ago I avoided all alcohol related events for my first year. And now that I am 36 days out (Again)...I am doing the same thing. Just avoiding being anywhere around it.
Just as I had 3 years ago I avoided all alcohol related events for my first year. And now that I am 36 days out (Again)...I am doing the same thing. Just avoiding being anywhere around it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: baltimore
Posts: 14
Ok well I am at day two. the first time i have ever tried to clean up and get sober. I feel like my stomache is in knots. Not sick or anything just emotional. I have no idea what to do with myself. I think about drinking more now than i ever have. It used to just be so automatic and now i have no idea what to do with myself. Does the emotional roller coaster ever get easier? I don't know if i can handle this. What do sober people do? What do people do instead of going to a bar or club on a saturday night.
I am lost
I am lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
horton....it's tough to give up your best friend, that's one experience i've noticed when quitting.
as far as the emotions--if you work at it they will become less with time. it helps to listen to others with similar experiences as yours (ie. this forum, or a meeting), and to share what is going on with you. another way to work on this emotional turmoil is to breathe slowly in, and breathe slowly out. and keep doing that. and instead of trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings in you mind and your gut, let them sit there as you breathe. trying to get rid of sadness is perhaps like trying to get rid of your stomach if you have a stomach ache--it isn't possible and it may make the pain worse.
filling your free time takes some thought, determination and practice. is there something of interest that you have? or there are always AA/NA meetings on friday and saturday nights. or the movies. just some ideas
as far as the emotions--if you work at it they will become less with time. it helps to listen to others with similar experiences as yours (ie. this forum, or a meeting), and to share what is going on with you. another way to work on this emotional turmoil is to breathe slowly in, and breathe slowly out. and keep doing that. and instead of trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings in you mind and your gut, let them sit there as you breathe. trying to get rid of sadness is perhaps like trying to get rid of your stomach if you have a stomach ache--it isn't possible and it may make the pain worse.
filling your free time takes some thought, determination and practice. is there something of interest that you have? or there are always AA/NA meetings on friday and saturday nights. or the movies. just some ideas
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
as far as me....middle of the afternoon now.
I dropped off my daughter and had a couple of urges on the road and decided to come back straight home. I made a good choice and am now content with things. I came here to write and sit with my thoughts, and eat, before I go out to lay in the sun and meditate. then after I meditate I am going to go for a brisk walk.
write, meditate, excercise....that is my goal right now.
the thought that hit me on the road was the fact that my girlfriend and her daughter are leaving early tomorrow morniing for a 1 week trip. I will be alone. I had the thought about using tomorrow, and then I thought "hey I could get some right now".
I have a good working plan for today
for tomorrow, after she leaves, I want to start the day out with a meeting at 8am. then i'm going to take my kids bowlilng for fathers day activity. after that i'll see my father.
after that could be a critical point. If i get urges and such I am committed to immediately callilng my therapist. if she's not there I'll leave a message. and try callling two friends of mine, tim and mike. if nothing still working then I will go to the alano club and talk to someone and stay there for the 8pm meeting if i'm still crazy.
if i'm ok after seeing my dad I could go straight home and then do my writing, meditating, and excercising. I could also get lunch food for lunches at work next week. then I will end up home, make my salads for the week, settle in, and go to bed. clean.
I'm talking to myself here and trying to envision a plan and I'll then have the chance of putting it into action. if i put it in action then I will stay clean. If i complete the plan I will stay clean.
I'm grateful for this website. coming here this time, and simply writing out my thoughts to myself concerning my plans tomorrow has made me feel a little more determined and confident about tomorrow. now back into today. back into the moment. I'm finishing my milk and going to meditate outside.
I dropped off my daughter and had a couple of urges on the road and decided to come back straight home. I made a good choice and am now content with things. I came here to write and sit with my thoughts, and eat, before I go out to lay in the sun and meditate. then after I meditate I am going to go for a brisk walk.
write, meditate, excercise....that is my goal right now.
the thought that hit me on the road was the fact that my girlfriend and her daughter are leaving early tomorrow morniing for a 1 week trip. I will be alone. I had the thought about using tomorrow, and then I thought "hey I could get some right now".
I have a good working plan for today
for tomorrow, after she leaves, I want to start the day out with a meeting at 8am. then i'm going to take my kids bowlilng for fathers day activity. after that i'll see my father.
after that could be a critical point. If i get urges and such I am committed to immediately callilng my therapist. if she's not there I'll leave a message. and try callling two friends of mine, tim and mike. if nothing still working then I will go to the alano club and talk to someone and stay there for the 8pm meeting if i'm still crazy.
if i'm ok after seeing my dad I could go straight home and then do my writing, meditating, and excercising. I could also get lunch food for lunches at work next week. then I will end up home, make my salads for the week, settle in, and go to bed. clean.
I'm talking to myself here and trying to envision a plan and I'll then have the chance of putting it into action. if i put it in action then I will stay clean. If i complete the plan I will stay clean.
I'm grateful for this website. coming here this time, and simply writing out my thoughts to myself concerning my plans tomorrow has made me feel a little more determined and confident about tomorrow. now back into today. back into the moment. I'm finishing my milk and going to meditate outside.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
i've made it through the day. meditated and walked after my last writing on this thread and i'm glad i did because it made me stronger for the turmoil of tonight.
I was feeling uncomfortable about 1/2 hour after my walk. then later at a resturant my girlfriend ordered a beer. and I asked her "are you going to be drinking regularly now?". she got very defensive, and then the rest of our conversation went nowhere. we are both very insecure and sensitive individuals. Me--more sensitive because i'm getting clean. Her--trying to be less sensitive so she cant be hurt by me anymore. and who knows what else comes into play. sometimes i think we're a couple of whackos.
so she's asleep and I'm not. that's the way it's been going. i haven't been able to sleep to well and she's been going to sleep between 7 and 9pm.
so when something like this happens I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. sorry for my life. that i don't have nothing to do and i can't sleep and it shouldn't be that way.
sometimes I tend to get angry and start creating sceneraios in my head. about anything. I can start out with a series of future events in our relationship and go through emotional anger and jealousies and negative emotions, and I can end up wanting to kill someone who looked at me wrong 10 years ago that I didn't even hardly know.
this should make me tired, but i'm angry. i'm angry at something. at her. at me. i'm sure it's about mostly being angry at myself. instead of running to the drug i'm going to stay with these feelings. i'm going to try and be more forgiving, more gentle with myself. right now. i'm not a bad guy. i'm just maladjusted! a whole lot! a 47 year old adolescent.
but all is not lost. I'm learning to feel these emotions instead of run from them. and i'm having much more time dealing with uncomfortable feelings than i am having dealing with urges. i'm glad for that. i guess the feelings come first, and then my habit has been to run as soon as they start and go get high. but now i'm getting better, i'm practicing, i'm feeling these feelings. i don't know what i'm doing with them. nothing really. just letting them sit in me. they are too strong to do anything with them a lot of the time. and right now is one of those times. so right now i just need to feel them. not analyze them. not judge them. and not run away from them in alcohol/drugs. now cigarettes/coke/coffee/cookies are all ok. not good, but ok. better than beer and better than crack. that's obvious, but obvious doesn't matter to this addict. what matters is that i have some tools. i have some bad tools that are sometimes the best i can do (like smoking cigarettes). And i have some good tools like writing, or going to a meeting.
Leaving the house at 10:45pm to go to a meeting would not be a good idea. so that 'good tool' is out. writing, here and now, is good. I'll try and be happy with being up all by myself and not feel sorry for me 'cause i didn't get any, and maybe i'll stay here a while and read other posts, or read some fiction, or watch "Benji" downstairs.
it will be better than taking a hit of crack and immediately hearing the sirens getting louder and louder and "knowing" the fbi and the cia and police and ambulances are all getting closer and reading my mind and planning there way to prepare to storm through the doorway and grab the crack i'm hiding in my mouth before i can swallow it and then secure me down by my arms and legs and then arrest me and haul me off.
I never enjoy it.
and i can't enjoy drinking because that makes my insecurity worse, and it then breaks down my resistance to smoke jcrack even though crack is a nightmare every time.
so i'm safe and sound. i'm pulling out all the stops. all the tools. all the new habits. i've got them all at my disposal and can use em all or just one or just a few and get through these moments right now, and stay clean, and make it to sleep and be thankful i made it through this day clean.
i know i will. i want to. no matter how much it hurts I want to be clean today. the "wanting" or my desire to be clean is stronger lately than it's been in a long long time.
writing like this exhausts me. course i probably started out pretty drained from all that stinking thinkin that never stops
thanks
I was feeling uncomfortable about 1/2 hour after my walk. then later at a resturant my girlfriend ordered a beer. and I asked her "are you going to be drinking regularly now?". she got very defensive, and then the rest of our conversation went nowhere. we are both very insecure and sensitive individuals. Me--more sensitive because i'm getting clean. Her--trying to be less sensitive so she cant be hurt by me anymore. and who knows what else comes into play. sometimes i think we're a couple of whackos.
so she's asleep and I'm not. that's the way it's been going. i haven't been able to sleep to well and she's been going to sleep between 7 and 9pm.
so when something like this happens I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. sorry for my life. that i don't have nothing to do and i can't sleep and it shouldn't be that way.
sometimes I tend to get angry and start creating sceneraios in my head. about anything. I can start out with a series of future events in our relationship and go through emotional anger and jealousies and negative emotions, and I can end up wanting to kill someone who looked at me wrong 10 years ago that I didn't even hardly know.
this should make me tired, but i'm angry. i'm angry at something. at her. at me. i'm sure it's about mostly being angry at myself. instead of running to the drug i'm going to stay with these feelings. i'm going to try and be more forgiving, more gentle with myself. right now. i'm not a bad guy. i'm just maladjusted! a whole lot! a 47 year old adolescent.
but all is not lost. I'm learning to feel these emotions instead of run from them. and i'm having much more time dealing with uncomfortable feelings than i am having dealing with urges. i'm glad for that. i guess the feelings come first, and then my habit has been to run as soon as they start and go get high. but now i'm getting better, i'm practicing, i'm feeling these feelings. i don't know what i'm doing with them. nothing really. just letting them sit in me. they are too strong to do anything with them a lot of the time. and right now is one of those times. so right now i just need to feel them. not analyze them. not judge them. and not run away from them in alcohol/drugs. now cigarettes/coke/coffee/cookies are all ok. not good, but ok. better than beer and better than crack. that's obvious, but obvious doesn't matter to this addict. what matters is that i have some tools. i have some bad tools that are sometimes the best i can do (like smoking cigarettes). And i have some good tools like writing, or going to a meeting.
Leaving the house at 10:45pm to go to a meeting would not be a good idea. so that 'good tool' is out. writing, here and now, is good. I'll try and be happy with being up all by myself and not feel sorry for me 'cause i didn't get any, and maybe i'll stay here a while and read other posts, or read some fiction, or watch "Benji" downstairs.
it will be better than taking a hit of crack and immediately hearing the sirens getting louder and louder and "knowing" the fbi and the cia and police and ambulances are all getting closer and reading my mind and planning there way to prepare to storm through the doorway and grab the crack i'm hiding in my mouth before i can swallow it and then secure me down by my arms and legs and then arrest me and haul me off.
I never enjoy it.
and i can't enjoy drinking because that makes my insecurity worse, and it then breaks down my resistance to smoke jcrack even though crack is a nightmare every time.
so i'm safe and sound. i'm pulling out all the stops. all the tools. all the new habits. i've got them all at my disposal and can use em all or just one or just a few and get through these moments right now, and stay clean, and make it to sleep and be thankful i made it through this day clean.
i know i will. i want to. no matter how much it hurts I want to be clean today. the "wanting" or my desire to be clean is stronger lately than it's been in a long long time.
writing like this exhausts me. course i probably started out pretty drained from all that stinking thinkin that never stops
thanks
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Good to see ya still plugging away like the rest of us my friend.
The other day even after quite a few 24's now behind me
I wanted to just give up!
Not thinking of drinking or using .... and I hate to admit this....but the thought of
Killing myself was in my mind....
I haven't had that thought in a lot of years.....
Only attempted it once in my life...pretty feeble attempt though but none the less the thought was strongly there
I posted about it...than I got into thinking of other things, but the thought did keep popping in
It has been a few days since that day, and yesterday was better but today...
I am not feeling good once again. Need people or not? I don't know but just hand on OK
Don't use it won't help If anyone can learn anything from my ESH it would be this message
Do as I say not as I do....
Blessings to ya
The other day even after quite a few 24's now behind me
I wanted to just give up!
Not thinking of drinking or using .... and I hate to admit this....but the thought of
Killing myself was in my mind....
I haven't had that thought in a lot of years.....
Only attempted it once in my life...pretty feeble attempt though but none the less the thought was strongly there
I posted about it...than I got into thinking of other things, but the thought did keep popping in
It has been a few days since that day, and yesterday was better but today...
I am not feeling good once again. Need people or not? I don't know but just hand on OK
Don't use it won't help If anyone can learn anything from my ESH it would be this message
Do as I say not as I do....
Blessings to ya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
hey vic
I've had a lot of experience waking up everyday and wanting to die. and a lot of days in which i thought of killing myself over and over....and when i was 21 i took two bottles of cleeping pills to try to do it. i've live in this chronic depression for much of my life
so I can relate to your thoughts and thank you for sharing them. I haven't had that for about 4 years now. i've been depression free for 4 years. if i keep usinkg the depression wil come back again. and i remember how sad and scary and dehabilitating and lonely and ugly I felt for so many years of my life.
I will try to want to want to be clean right now. I am clean right now but I think i'd rather just keep runni9ng. I've made a little mess and now I don't want to have to deal with that either.....on top of all the feelings that i'm feeling these days
I've had a lot of experience waking up everyday and wanting to die. and a lot of days in which i thought of killing myself over and over....and when i was 21 i took two bottles of cleeping pills to try to do it. i've live in this chronic depression for much of my life
so I can relate to your thoughts and thank you for sharing them. I haven't had that for about 4 years now. i've been depression free for 4 years. if i keep usinkg the depression wil come back again. and i remember how sad and scary and dehabilitating and lonely and ugly I felt for so many years of my life.
I will try to want to want to be clean right now. I am clean right now but I think i'd rather just keep runni9ng. I've made a little mess and now I don't want to have to deal with that either.....on top of all the feelings that i'm feeling these days
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