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What to do now?

Old 06-13-2008, 12:40 AM
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What to do now?

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 8 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. Over the years alchohol has been a problem. At some point when I was pregnant I became suspicious about cocaine use because of the people he was around and then he went out and wouldn't turn up until the next day. We broke up when I was pregnant but shortly before I had my daughter I let him back in my home. Eventually he admitted his use to me but described it as occasional.

There have been so many problems: he won't maintain employment, never has money, always wanting to party, telling me he'll be home and just not showing up. He moved out for a while and moved in with someone else and I started to move on with my life as well. He ended up losing the new gf after about 6 months and moved in with his mom. Even though we weren't "together" we spent a lot of time together and foolishly i started dating him again. Of course the all nighters started again shortly after he moved in with me. I would kick him out and the we'd make up and he'd come home. I guess I thought if I kept him close to me I would know what was going on and would be able to keep him from using. Pretty funny I guess.

A month or so ago I found money folded up with cocaine inside. I never confronted him. I'm not sure why. Anyway after a few more out all night incidents and I couldn't handle it. So he is back with his mom. He is seeing his daughter and I know he loves her. This is so hard for me to understand. He is such a talented person and can be so tender and wonderfull.

I am taking him to court to increase his child support as we had originally agreed on the a ridculous amount. I do need the money but I also feel the less money he has for drugs and alcohol the better for all of us. Of course he is furious and says I'm trying to "destroy" him.

I hate him in so many ways but of course I love him at the same time. My question is what do I do now. I never confronted him this last time about his use. Should I tell him that I know he is using and I am concerned or should I just keep my distance. He has never used around his children but I'm concerned because I never thought he would have the nerve to bring that stuff into my home as I have told him I would turn him in to the police if he did. The obvious lack of judgement scares me. I want him to have a relationship with his daughter but I also need to know that she's never exposed to his use. And how do I keep myself from being fooled by him again. I believe he will not change but I so want the family. I need some help.
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Old 06-13-2008, 03:14 AM
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sdw
And how do I keep myself from being fooled by him again
whats the problem, Him...

the solution, You...

take the child, and move on with your lives...

someday, God willing, he may be clean and on the straight, and could be back in both of your lives...

good wishes sdw

rz
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Old 06-13-2008, 04:39 AM
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Hi,

You said you believe that he will not change. And, an addict has to really want to recover, if he is going to stay clean and sober. It's not easy.

I hope that you focus on yourself and your child.
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Old 06-13-2008, 04:40 AM
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(((Sdw))

Welcome to SR. You may also want to check out the friends/family of substance abusers forum here (sorry, I don't know how to put in the link), but there are a lot of family members going through the same thing.

As far as whether to confront him, I don't know. He will most likely try to deny it (despite the fact that you found it), say he was "holding it for someone else" or downplay it and say "it only happened once".

The fact is, you found it and you have the right (and obligation) to protect yourself and your daughter.

Cocaine is very addictive and it happens fast. Please make sure he has no access to your bank accounts or any credit cards or you may see money disappearing fast. I'm a recovering crack addict and went through some serious money really fast.

If he wants to get clean and into recovery (which means dealing with his addictive thoughts and behaviors) he will do it on his own. There is nothing you can do to make him do it. However, not giving him a soft place to land when he falls, will help him to reach his bottom faster. Most of us addicts don't choose recovery until the consequences of using overwhelm us.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 06-13-2008, 04:51 AM
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I too think you should focus on yourself and your child first. Boyfriend will not change until HE wants to change. I would keep him at a distance for a while as it seems he can't tell the truth about his drug use. But you and your child should be your first priorities.
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Old 06-13-2008, 08:03 AM
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He's toxic to you. Cut him loose, and move on.

Concentrate on your daughter and yourself.

Only he has the power to change within.

All the best, and please keep posting.
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Old 06-13-2008, 09:01 AM
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Hi SDW...Welcome to SR....

Dealing with poeple on cocaine is one thing...dating and having kids with them is crazy! Your risking jail time everytime you let him back in your home...First off cocaine use is highly addictive, poeple will do or sell anything to stay high. You say he stays out all night...well that is a sign that, he is not just doing a couple lines at a party. Your story could be about thousands of couples and it goes both ways (sometimes its the girl addict). My point is if he keeps using it will progress. One day you will find something missing in your home...

Going back to the big 80's cocaine days. I would get calls from freinds in a panic...Saying...Bill finally came home...walked in, unpluged the tv...as the kids are watching it and just walked out the door!

Another friend of mine years ago got married and had a baby. His wife would leave the baby with him and disappear for days...and when she came home...broke...stereo missing from the car (looking like death warmed over) he would take her back...replace the missing stereo, only to have her do the same thing...over n over n over!

Hope I scared you, these are true stroy's...
Do what's best for you and your child...Good Luck!
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Old 06-13-2008, 09:46 AM
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You are already doing the right thing.

Don't let him live with you & your daughter, do not tolerate his drug use.

Good work with getting the courts involved - this may be the process he needs to realize a few things.

Whatever you do, don't start believing his ********. Make him prove through his actions that he is willing to make a change.
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Old 06-13-2008, 10:36 AM
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Thanks

Wow, Thanks so much to everyone. It really does help to hear from people who've been there. I have friends that I talked to about this stuff but they really don't know what it's like.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the pain I've gone through time and again. We definitely do not deserve this. I always start out being angry then transition into sadness. It's good to have reminders that I can't fix this. Maybe I should read up on co dependence. Go figure I have a degree in psych. You'd think I would have put and end to this a long time ago.

It's also great to have confirmation that I'm not the problem as he so often likes to point out.
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Old 06-13-2008, 10:51 AM
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SDW - Welcome to the site. This is a tough situation and I think that everyone on here has given you some great advise. Your number one priority needs to be you and your daughter and I think protecting her from the use is huge. Does he have visitation rights? Is there a concern with leaving her with him unsupervised?

I am an alcoholic but I went thru a period of coke use and it is a terrible addiction. When I first started using I swore I would never even have it in the car, before I knew it I was doing lines going down the interstate. I tell you this because I would be very cautious about leaving your daughter with him for fear that she would find some of it and get sick.

Also, I just read a great book on codependence. It really helped me understand a lot of things. It is called Facing Codependence by Pia Melody.

Good luck with everything. I think you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and true to yourself.

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Old 06-13-2008, 11:17 AM
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Sounds like...

Sound's like your a little codependent! Don't worry, most of us addicts and alcoholics are. I had a problem with my now ex that sounds a little like yours. Definitely try some al-anon or coda meetings, and focus on you, the rest will fall into place under God's will. Good luck!:ghug3
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Old 06-13-2008, 12:09 PM
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He does not have any legal rights to her. I let him pick her up every Thursday for a few hours. Usually she spends an afternoon on the Saturday. She loves her daddy. This Saturday I was going to let her spend the night since it's father's day on Sunday.. he is living with grandma and will have his other 2 children. He is still in the using with friends phase so I think with grandma home to supervise things will be ok.

I've often taken him back into my home because I felt that at least our daughter would see him and I would be there make sure all was well. But the truth is he really is toxic to me and I can't keep him so involved in my life, even for the sake of my child. It's too painful. I really do need to just step away. But I feel the need to maintain some contact because of our daughter. I think if we had no contact for a period of time this would be a little easier. I don't know how to do that though since we have a child.

There has definitely been a pattern. He does fine for months then he'll go out for a beer and just not come home, not call. I've been out at 3 in the morning trying to hunt him down. on a couple of occasions did not show up for 3 days. Then its the "I just stayed away because you're such a bitch and I knew you'd act like this and I didn't want to deal with it". Then it's I'm so sorry let me take you guys out for dinner, zoo whatever.

I've been keeping our contact brief aside from the big blow out when he got the motion to modify his child support. He tried to threaten me that he wouldn't help me when I need him and my response was he isn't consistent anyway so I'd rather have the money. He became very nasty. He really knows how to manipulate me but I told him I'm not afraid and I can stand on my own 2 feet. The truth is he's been an anchor in my life.

I guess stepping out of his way really is the best thing. It's hard to comprehend that I have no control over this but after so much time and hurt it's also a relief.
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Old 06-26-2008, 10:05 AM
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I've been checking this site almost dailly since I've found it. It is soooo very helpful. Why is it that when we already know something we still need continuous validation. Or is it just me?

xabf and i talked on last week. I did till him I found coke in my house and am still very upset but will refrain from the lecture. Just want to let him know I care and am concerned and I want him to take care of himself so he can be the father to our daughter that I know he can be. He said he has "seen the light" and is not using. We ended up hanging out most of the weekend. Movies, swimming and took our daughter to an amusement park on Sunday. He called on Monday and said he wanted to come over and bring dinner. I said fine call me later. No call. I called him twice. No response. Same old cycle. But I did not get angry or emotional like in the past. I did wake up once in the night wondering..... I used to stay up all night worrying, sometimes out looking for him, baby in tow.

I'm in a much better place. He called the next afternoon but I did not answer. I'm just going to keep my distance. I really enjoy spending time with him and our daughter but I really have to remove myself as much as possible from his life. I can't believe I am finally at a place where I can talk him without wanting to assault him. (ha ha) I can't believe I'm not sreaming and yelling and trying to control. Can I really be letting it all go???? I'm sure there still be incidents in the future when I get upset (like when he "forgets" to pick up our daughter. But I feel pretty calm right now. Hope it lasts!!!

I credit all the people on this site for helping me get to this point. Thanks everybody.
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