Horselover

Hi everyone. I haven't experienced a lot of anger during my sobriety (31 days) until today. I mean I am a real witch and it started because my Mom, who was my drinking buddy, had stopped drinking too. She called me yesterday and told me she went to Applebee's for a salad and ordered a perfect margarita. I was really put out. Then later that evening I call and she's cooking dinner and swears while I'm on the phone with her. I ask her what's wrong and she said she just tipped over her glass of wine. Okay now I'm really pissed!

Why am I angry over this?

Why does it even matter in my own sobriety?

Husband thinks I'm envious and maybe I am. I know I'm disappointed too. Any insights would be so gratefully appreciated right now. I was even saying to my husband its really going to be hard now that Mom is back to drinking. Why? Why? Why?

DSodaNow

I used to love sharing a bottle of wine with my mom. It was a way for us to bond. We haven't really had a close relationship. Now I am a little bit envious and a little bit sad when she is drinking and I am not.

I guess I feel like I am missing out on part of the experience. I haven't shared with her that I am in AA and even though she has been a little curious why I am not drinking she hasn't really asked. I think it because she doesn't want to admit to herself that I have a drinking problem.

I think your anger is natural. Try to stay focused on yourself. I think it is just going to take some time for us to learn to experience things in a new way and not miss or resent being left out of the old ways.

Thank you for your share.

Klynn33

((horselover))
I think it will be hard too - especially since you were drinking buddies as you said, that is how you are going to continue to look at your relationship with her. It's gotta be a tough spot you're in - but for now so early in your recovery, you may need to step back and think about yourself. Her telling you those things isn't helping you - and she must know that. Take some time for you, until you're ready to handle the relationship again.
hope you feel better!

ThisIsTheDay

Well I have to say it sounds like your Mom is tryin to break you down and get her drinking buddy back! If she knows you quit, she shouldn't tell you about getting a "perfect margarita" I am sure you 2 probally use to go there and drink them.... and then on the phone swaering about tipped over her glass of wine...wow Just my read on it. Plus you are thinking now...It will be hard now that Mom is back to drinking...the seed is planted... I hope I'm wrong....I would be angry too!

bugsworth

I am sure you are feeling many emotions right now...that's natural. I remember a friend I had met in a meeting early in my sobriety started drinking again around 3 months. It hurt...and then I realized it really had nothing to do with me or my sobriety. My commitment had not changed, hers had. I was not envious because after all, I could drink anytime I wanted too. It was my choice to stay sober. It is now your choice to stay committed to YOUR goals. Feel the feelings and then let them go...remain vigilant and safe guard your sobriety. Your Mom may just follow your lead!

Ananda

I get angry when i think that someone is doing things that don't support my recovery.....but usually, it isn't that they're trying to sabatash (SP?) me, but rather that they are trying to meet thier own needs. A lot of times people aren't even thinking about how it will effect me...and sometimes, even if they love me, they just don't care cause they want what they want......sorta like i am sometimes.

i no longer feel like the fact that i get angry is a bad thing...but it is up to me to figure out how to deal with it differently. repeating to myself may ***insert name*** find and follow their spiritual path helps me to remember to seek compassion for what they are going through....but the very first step that cant be skipped for me is to just tell someone what a f*ing idiot the person is and how it s*cks...etc.

You'll get through this horselover, and find a new way to deal with your mom that allows each of you to walk through your own s*t. sorry for the language!

youve helped me alot at sr...thanks.

Horselover

Well I thank you all. I guess I feel like I lost 2 best friends, alcohol and my mom. Hopefully that's not the case. Thanks again. Just down tonight, but I'll deal. I can still say, at least right now, drinking is not an option. When I told her, "That guess what mom. I haven't had a drink in 31 days. She said, "That's great honey. I'm so proud of you."

I do agree she may miss her time with me with the alcohol because it was a "bonding" time for us, but we'll have to find a new way hopefully. She moved to New Mexico after we did. We moved to Chicago to help her out because her husband was dying (from alcoholism related issues). We have always been extremely close. This is a hard blow and I thank you all for your help. I REALLY mean it. Sometimes life sucks.

tennis71

Envy might be part of it. Maybe disappointment in your mother. Maybe your worried that you might relapse.

When something like that happens to me I try to get back to the basics. I take one day at a time and I reflect on why I am getting sober. Say a prayer for your mother and move on. When and if she is ready for recovery, you can help just by being sober yourself.

Keep moving forward and thanks for posting.

Anna

There's lots of good advice here Horselover.

Just stay focused on yourself and your recovery. I do think you can show your Mom, by your example, that a sober life is worthwhile.

colagirl

Hi Horselover,
Without knowing the details of your relationship with your mom, if this were my situation, I think I would feel a little betrayed. Like you started on this journey together and not only has she abandoned it but has done it in a way that is almost dismissive. It would make me feel really bad too.

I think this is a test for you. You've reached a crossroads and now you have to go on alone. I believe you have the strength to do it.

Rowan

I agree with the sentiment that it's important to keep the focus on you, and on your own recovery. I understand that this can be a difficult task, but it can be done. My relationship with my parents changed, and it's different now, but it's a good different.
Well done on your sober time, you are doing so well.

CarolD

Congratulations on your new sober life!

Toomutch

You're in a tough situation with your mother and I can understand how angry this must make you.

My husband stopped drinking when I did even though he doesn't have a problem with it, he quit to support me... If he were to drink again I know I would be angry and have a hard time with that.

Good luck with working through this anger. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

ROFL

Hi Horselover! I don't blame you for being angry with your Mom, and hurt. She was your drinking buddy, and THEN your partner in sobriety, so when she didn't stick with it, it's bound to upset you. Especially because YOU'RE doing SO WELL! Be careful, it's so easy to say, "well if she's not going to stick with it, why should I".

You've been doing so well and are a real inspiration to me. Keep up the great work!

22NGONE

Horselover,

If nothing else your Mom is certainly being insensitive to your recovery. If your Mom chooses to continue drinking that's her business but sharing her activity is harmful to your well being. I would suggest telling Mom's you love her dearly but do not want to hear about her drinking and ask her to respect that.

John

four812

great...just what I need right now...so thanks horselover


I hard a hard time last night when my girlfriend drank around the house. I didn't think about that it was my 'choice' to stay sober at first...I wanted to drink and that was stuck in my mind. then the emotions piled up inside...lonliness, rejection, jealousy, my own needy-ness. But I stayed committed. I took care of myself and spent some time in solitude and felt my uncomfortable feelings without trying to shoe them away.

i'm still uncomfortable with my feelings...but today I'm more aware of the importance of keeping in mind the choice that I want to make today. and right now.

Horselover

Thanks everyone! I mean it. Its been great to read your posts and I am going to try to apply it to my situation. Ksplash is right and so is everyone else. Its my choice to remain sober. I will pray for my Mom's own recovery. I have to concentrate a little more on myself right now. I don't think Mom's intentionally trying to get me to drink again, but I am not going to go there with her anymore. I have a young son, a husband and a future to look forward to. She says she wants to dance at her grandson's wedding someday, but not at the rate she's going at. She has medical issues and the alcohol aggravates her condition. This is why I would love her to stop, but I know it has to be her choice not mine. Knowing is one thing, but watching this is hard. I find it impossible to post on that thread "Do you have alcoholic parents?" I believe my Mom is an alcoholic, but its hard for me to say because she hasn't admitted it herself. I do know I am an alcoholic and I guess that's enough for today. Love you all and I appreciate the time you took to read through these posts and help me. I mean I REALLY appreciate it. I can see firsthand how this forum really helps people.

ThisIsTheDay

Hi Horselover.....

You have a good heart....glad your focus is on your son and yourself.... All you can do is pray for my Mom's recovery. I think by you being strong sets and example for your son in later years and who knows maybe Mom will see the light?

Hang in there....

P.S. I just stop taking and returning certian calls from poeple who will talk about happy hour/ drinking events!

four812

nice to hear of your action and choices and thoughts. and thanks for starting this thread as well as all who responded. like I said it is what I needed.

it's hard trying to change the habit of running to the bottle/drug. that has been the number one choice that i've taken for years. so for now I am hanging on tightly to my cigarettes and coffee and sugar and sometimes eating way too much--if I need these things when I don't think I can do any better.

when I can do better I can come here and read. and write. and then I can meditate. and then I can excercise. this is my goal for today during free time at work--my goals before picking up my daughter. I've got writing out of the way as I've done a nice amount of that. this writing helps me to know how i am feeling. helps me to see the situation or urge more clearly. and when I can see it more clearly I can react or act or create the new action that is the best that I can do....more clearly.

and it helps me...helps to take a moment and read another persons thoughts....and then sometimes they really hit close to where I am exactly at. and then I feel a little less alone and a little more connected to the universe. and then I can try more and more to stop running away from the uncomfortable feelings that i've been running away from for all of my life.

SoBearish

Hi Horselover - Great job on your 30+ days!!

Everyone has pretty much said it all, except the fact that you probably feel scared for your Mom's health, and her drinking adds another layer of stress as well as taking away some of your support.

Like they say on the airplane "Please secure your own oxygen mask before helping another passenger with theirs"