four812

i've made it to about the midway point and wanted to see where i'm at right now. i'll be leaving work in a while

If I don't hear from my girlfriend, then I think i'm going to go to a meeting and then go home....if she is awake I will ask for a back scratch

if not I will go to YOGA alone tonight.
then I will go home

that is my tentative plan right now.

I spent some hours frustrated and lonely at work today and now i am plugging away and moving through those feelings. I am doing a little creating. creating my life. I spent some time on this website and value the things i've come across. I will take more action in recovery for the remainder of the day.

Luckyv2

Glad that you posted today and glad that I did show up here again today to see what ya said. Ahhh I need to take more action in recovery as well...for each day and sometimes I forget that. So thanks for being my teacher on that lesson again..LMAO that is why we go to meets because we suffer from CRS *Cant Remember Sh*T*

four812

thanks Chance for the response...I'm at home now, and have been struggling with lonliness and rejection. I'm feeling these feelings, and also doing a few things to keep busy and moving and my mind a little occupied (like mowing the lawn, laundry, and listening to loud music on my IPOD).

I did not hear from girlfriend on the way home and made the decision to go straight home. I felt very insecure and needy and she was turned off by these feelings of mine. i know that it is because it triggers those emotions in her and so I just received the rejectioin and concentrated on myself and my emotions and feeling them and breathing through them and not over-reacting and I have actually done some very good action by living through these emotions.

I am so very sensitive and needy right now for a few reasons. my early recovery from crack of course is the major thing going on. but also, a very large factor, is that I have committed myself to Girl friend, and well, she is healing from the gut wrenching hurts that I've given her over and over again each time I abandoned her and used for the last 3 years. another factor is that she is drinking tonight and I immediately felt sorry for myself because I wanted to get drunk. I worked through that pretty well and I am so glad that I know that I will wake up clear and with no headache and healthy body functions tomorrow and right now. I feel good about not drinking tonight. not because I'm patting myself on the back but because of the sense that it would do me no good and that i would only feel pain and my desire to go out and use would be unbearable and I don't want to smoke crack.

I want to be free. I want to be free even in the thick of uncomfortable feelings. I want to live my life doing the best that I can right now. The best that I can do becomes considerably less when I drink or use.

I have made it through this day. it's 9pm and i'm safe at home, miles away from the dope man. I'm safe. my feelings wont kill me....but if i run from them the alcohol and drugs kill me. It's so hard to break free from the best friend of drugs/alcohol. it's hard to let go of that friend. it is so important that a new friend is found. most importantly a new friend in myself. and also very importantly meaningful contacts with old friends and new friends in my world.

I create my recovery. I made good choices tonight. I'm glad I chose to come home and that it worked out and I was able to practice feeling my feelings at home tonight as opposed to AA or YOGA...had i done them the comfort of those two activities may have not allowed me exposure to the discomfort that has been with me tonight.

thanks for listening

Luckyv2

I am not sure when I wrote this but I have posted it here before. And although my spirituality has taken a different turn that what was written it all goes in the same direction. You mentioned that dope was or is your best friend. This was written over 6 years ago before I even knew anyone here. And when you mentioned how it is or was your best friend, it is so how it was and is for me. So I thought I would share it with ya here if that is OK?


If ya ever need to get through something I am going to pm ya my phone number. You are always welcome to call me if ya ever need some one with some ears to listen. thanks so much for being a part of my journey!