So, here I am...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
So, here I am...
I'm so glad to have found this site. I can tell I'll be visiting more and more if my current journey continues as it is...
Guys, I don't want to take your time up with a massive, long life story. I just really want to share what's happening to me now.
I mean right now. Writing this hunched at my desk at work, my vision is flickering, my head is pounding. Earlier, I tried to cross the office floor to get to the printer but I felt profoundly sea-sick and had to sit down again. I've only been able to stammer when callers have phoned me and to reply intelligibly to my boss's questions requires a difficult, concerted effort of will. After work I will drive to my girlfriend's for the evening and pretend that I am pleased to be there rather than at home, drinking by myself. I will probably concoct an excuse not to stay -maybe an early start the next morning- and I will leave, hurting and confusing her and losing another piece of my miserable, guilty soul in the process. Once home it will be late but I know I won't go to bed until I've drunk the bottle and a half of red wine stashed under my bed. Safely hunkered into the only comfort-zone I know, I'll spend the next few hours surfing the web, listening to music, drinking the wine and smoking cigarettes until I run out of either. By then it will be about 2 or 3am and I will haul my inebriated self into bed with only 4 hours to sleep until I have to get up for work and begin the hell all over again.
And so it goes, day after day, and has been going on for so long I can't even remember when I abandoned myself so completely to this destructive lifestyle. I've known I've had an unhealthy enthusiasm for booze since my teens. As time went on - when I was honest with myself - I could see how the desire to drink was growing, changing into something much darker and changing me. I could sum up this 15 year journey in one sentence: in the beginning alcohol was fun, then fun became alcohol, then alcohol became everything. Having just turned 30, I can look back on my life and see how I've achieved nothing of any value because the energy I should have spent growing and challenging myself I spent drinking instead. The dark pull of alcohol has reduced a once happy, thoughtful young man to a sagging, twitching, lying, frightened wreck.
But here's the bitter twist, people. Tomorrow, my father leaves rehab where he has been drying out for another, almost certainly doomed, attempt at sobriety. I cannot understate the enormous trial it's been for our family to cope with this full-term alcoholic day in, day out, for years, the never-ending grind that is keeping a man so physically and mentally ruined by alcohol from sinking any further, a man so beyond helping himself, his immediate family are reduced to the role of desperate slaves. That my poor mother, who divorced him 8 years ago, is still burdened with his problems - because she cares too much - it breaks my heart. But what really tears me apart is knowing that I carry the same ruinous instinct in me too and if she and my family ever found out it would be the end of her. A person can't live with this level of hypocrisy and guilt everyday without going crazy and some days I truly feel like I'm headed towards a breakdown...
So anyway, I guess I'm here because I can't keep putting off the fact that I absolutely need to get alcohol out of my life. I have taken a step at least in that I have booked an assessment with an addiction counsellor tomorrow morning. I'm just so scared guys and I don't have to tell you why. I cannot begin to imagine life without alcohol. Even though my social life is quieting down, my friends and I are all 'party people'. Maybe for one of us the party has to end, but I can't bear to face a future of constant war with my inner demon, and all the failures to come. But I know the alternative is surrender and that future too is too dreadful to consider.
I know in the times ahead, reading your stories and hearing your thoughts will be a true godsend, so I will say, to those of you winning against alcohol, keep inspiring the rest of us! And to those struggling like myself, let's get ourselves well, together.
Thanks for listening.
Guys, I don't want to take your time up with a massive, long life story. I just really want to share what's happening to me now.
I mean right now. Writing this hunched at my desk at work, my vision is flickering, my head is pounding. Earlier, I tried to cross the office floor to get to the printer but I felt profoundly sea-sick and had to sit down again. I've only been able to stammer when callers have phoned me and to reply intelligibly to my boss's questions requires a difficult, concerted effort of will. After work I will drive to my girlfriend's for the evening and pretend that I am pleased to be there rather than at home, drinking by myself. I will probably concoct an excuse not to stay -maybe an early start the next morning- and I will leave, hurting and confusing her and losing another piece of my miserable, guilty soul in the process. Once home it will be late but I know I won't go to bed until I've drunk the bottle and a half of red wine stashed under my bed. Safely hunkered into the only comfort-zone I know, I'll spend the next few hours surfing the web, listening to music, drinking the wine and smoking cigarettes until I run out of either. By then it will be about 2 or 3am and I will haul my inebriated self into bed with only 4 hours to sleep until I have to get up for work and begin the hell all over again.
And so it goes, day after day, and has been going on for so long I can't even remember when I abandoned myself so completely to this destructive lifestyle. I've known I've had an unhealthy enthusiasm for booze since my teens. As time went on - when I was honest with myself - I could see how the desire to drink was growing, changing into something much darker and changing me. I could sum up this 15 year journey in one sentence: in the beginning alcohol was fun, then fun became alcohol, then alcohol became everything. Having just turned 30, I can look back on my life and see how I've achieved nothing of any value because the energy I should have spent growing and challenging myself I spent drinking instead. The dark pull of alcohol has reduced a once happy, thoughtful young man to a sagging, twitching, lying, frightened wreck.
But here's the bitter twist, people. Tomorrow, my father leaves rehab where he has been drying out for another, almost certainly doomed, attempt at sobriety. I cannot understate the enormous trial it's been for our family to cope with this full-term alcoholic day in, day out, for years, the never-ending grind that is keeping a man so physically and mentally ruined by alcohol from sinking any further, a man so beyond helping himself, his immediate family are reduced to the role of desperate slaves. That my poor mother, who divorced him 8 years ago, is still burdened with his problems - because she cares too much - it breaks my heart. But what really tears me apart is knowing that I carry the same ruinous instinct in me too and if she and my family ever found out it would be the end of her. A person can't live with this level of hypocrisy and guilt everyday without going crazy and some days I truly feel like I'm headed towards a breakdown...
So anyway, I guess I'm here because I can't keep putting off the fact that I absolutely need to get alcohol out of my life. I have taken a step at least in that I have booked an assessment with an addiction counsellor tomorrow morning. I'm just so scared guys and I don't have to tell you why. I cannot begin to imagine life without alcohol. Even though my social life is quieting down, my friends and I are all 'party people'. Maybe for one of us the party has to end, but I can't bear to face a future of constant war with my inner demon, and all the failures to come. But I know the alternative is surrender and that future too is too dreadful to consider.
I know in the times ahead, reading your stories and hearing your thoughts will be a true godsend, so I will say, to those of you winning against alcohol, keep inspiring the rest of us! And to those struggling like myself, let's get ourselves well, together.
Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi Hudstar,
Welcome!
It sounds like you are really ready to begin living a sober life and this is a great place to get support. It's great that you are seeing an addiction counsellor. You should also talk to your dr because detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous.
Your feelings are very normal. I remember being terrified trying to imagine getting through an evening without alcohol. That fear kept me in the vicious cycle of alcoholism for longer than I needed to be. You can step out and begin to move forward. I had to make some major changes in my life in order to stay sober but it has been worth all of it.
I hope you keep posting.
Welcome!
It sounds like you are really ready to begin living a sober life and this is a great place to get support. It's great that you are seeing an addiction counsellor. You should also talk to your dr because detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous.
Your feelings are very normal. I remember being terrified trying to imagine getting through an evening without alcohol. That fear kept me in the vicious cycle of alcoholism for longer than I needed to be. You can step out and begin to move forward. I had to make some major changes in my life in order to stay sober but it has been worth all of it.
I hope you keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 201
Hi Hustar...Welcome to SR.....
The good news is your now being honest with yourself!
"As time went on - when I was honest with myself - I could see how the desire to drink was growing, changing into something much darker and changing me."
Hope your "15 year journey" ends now...My 30 year journey was a waste of time...time with family that I can never get back! I am on day 11, feel great! Still fight the drinking urge daily...but now feel in control, nice just to feel and not be numbed by the booze by night and mentally drianed with guilt all day!
Yes alcohol will physically and mentally ruin you, if not kill you....
Good luck...what a great age (30) to start a new life...
Lot's of good poeple here, keep posting!
The good news is your now being honest with yourself!
"As time went on - when I was honest with myself - I could see how the desire to drink was growing, changing into something much darker and changing me."
Hope your "15 year journey" ends now...My 30 year journey was a waste of time...time with family that I can never get back! I am on day 11, feel great! Still fight the drinking urge daily...but now feel in control, nice just to feel and not be numbed by the booze by night and mentally drianed with guilt all day!
Yes alcohol will physically and mentally ruin you, if not kill you....
Good luck...what a great age (30) to start a new life...
Lot's of good poeple here, keep posting!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR, trust me you are not alone in what you are going through. First thing first, please see a doctor and be totally honest about how much you drink, how often you drink, how long you have drank, and what happens to you when you drink.
Tell the doc you want to quit and foolow thier advice.
Detoxing from alcohol kills people all the time, that is why medical detox is crucial for some of us.
Good luck, hang in there, keep doing the next right thing and things will get better.
Tell the doc you want to quit and foolow thier advice.
Detoxing from alcohol kills people all the time, that is why medical detox is crucial for some of us.
Good luck, hang in there, keep doing the next right thing and things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NYC - New York
Posts: 305
Originally Posted by Hudstar 
So anyway, I guess I'm here because I can't keep putting off the fact that I absolutely need to get alcohol out of my life. I have taken a step at least in that I have booked an assessment with an addiction counsellor tomorrow morning.
... I cannot begin to imagine life without alcohol. Even though my social life is quieting down, my friends and I are all 'party people'. Maybe for one of us the party has to end, but I can't bear to face a future of constant war with my inner demon, and all the failures to come.
... I cannot begin to imagine life without alcohol. Even though my social life is quieting down, my friends and I are all 'party people'. Maybe for one of us the party has to end, but I can't bear to face a future of constant war with my inner demon, and all the failures to come.
First off good job on making the appointment and coming to SR. That's 2 steps in the right direction already.
As far as picturing a life without alcohol etc etc... just don't... it's too big an idea to get your head around right now. Try instead to picture not drinking tonight and see how that fits. Can you make it? I think you can.
Your Fathers legacy is a tough one to handle by yourself. If possible I would suggest a therepist to help you deal with the feelings that make you want to drink.
Give yourself a pat on the back. You are not the one who has caused all the hoopla in your family. You are realizing that you need to change your behaviour and that is something to be proud of.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 157
Hey Hudstar,
My word you write very eloquently young man!!! Thank you for your letter to the good people at sr...you're in good hands...listen to what people have to say...ignore it if you like but in the first instance keep an open mind.
Your problem is one that can be resolved. Simple as that. You will not believe to what extent your life will improve...every aspect of it...from the joy of waking up...(God, I used to wake up in terror of the day ahead...silly arse!)...to the gratitude felt in going to bed tired, happy and sober...instead of waking up fully clothed on the floor with your head stuffed into a donner kebab! ...but you know all this...the future is ALL YOURS...
...oh and by the way...you can still be a party person....being rock and roll does not necessitate hideing behind a bottle.
Good luck fella.
Ben
My word you write very eloquently young man!!! Thank you for your letter to the good people at sr...you're in good hands...listen to what people have to say...ignore it if you like but in the first instance keep an open mind.
Your problem is one that can be resolved. Simple as that. You will not believe to what extent your life will improve...every aspect of it...from the joy of waking up...(God, I used to wake up in terror of the day ahead...silly arse!)...to the gratitude felt in going to bed tired, happy and sober...instead of waking up fully clothed on the floor with your head stuffed into a donner kebab! ...but you know all this...the future is ALL YOURS...
...oh and by the way...you can still be a party person....being rock and roll does not necessitate hideing behind a bottle.
Good luck fella.
Ben
He who seeks, will find
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Galway Ireland
Posts: 35
Im in a similar place to hudstar, at the end of the road i feel. I just have one question. What actually happens when you do go to a doctor? what does he/ she do for you? I don't have the resorces to spend 13 weeks in rehab, i have to work. going by my last attemp at withdrawal and a sever dose of delium tremens I am sure that this time will be 100% worse and don't know if I can take it mentally or phyically this time cos it scared me so much. Just the thought of going to a doctor will bring on uncontrollable shaking, sweating and that will probably start in the waiting room with others looking at me. I am thinking that if a doctor is just going to tell me to stop drinking and leave it at then then maybe i will be just experiencing more pain than needs be. But I don't know so that is way I ask. I know that once I get to day 3 or more the pain gets less, but can a doctor make it less painful or are his only tools to use to send me of to detox tank?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Hudstar! Glad that you found us too! 
Sounds like you do know the right direction you want to go for yourself!
That is wonderful...we are here for you-
Take a look around at the other forums and the stickies at the top of the forums
as they are filled with a wealth of information!
A lot of ESH here from some great people on their own journey's! Glad that you
are here
Sounds like you do know the right direction you want to go for yourself!
That is wonderful...we are here for you-
Take a look around at the other forums and the stickies at the top of the forums
as they are filled with a wealth of information!
A lot of ESH here from some great people on their own journey's! Glad that you
are here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
John31 - there are other options to rehab that a dr. cn help you with
I know that my dr put me on IVs in the evenings for a while to get some stuff in me to help and there are also medictions to help with withdrawl.
So check and see what he/she can do for you. Also - there can be serious risks which he/she can assess.
Yuo still get to make the choices...so it can't hurt
keep on posting guys.
I know that my dr put me on IVs in the evenings for a while to get some stuff in me to help and there are also medictions to help with withdrawl.
So check and see what he/she can do for you. Also - there can be serious risks which he/she can assess.
Yuo still get to make the choices...so it can't hurt
keep on posting guys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 353
Welcome here Hudstar!
I'm pretty new too, and recently hit rock bottom in front of my wife and kids. This website has helped me tremendously! Keep reading.
I'd like to know what you think about the counseling appointment, That's my next step..
Heavy,.
I'm pretty new too, and recently hit rock bottom in front of my wife and kids. This website has helped me tremendously! Keep reading.
I'd like to know what you think about the counseling appointment, That's my next step..
Heavy,.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by HeavyJ
I'd like to know what you think about the counseling appointment, That's my next step..
Heavy,.
I'm glad I made the appointment, even though it was really just an assessment at this stage, it was just great to talk openly about the problems I've been keeping a (barely-disguised) secret so far. She is setting me up with regular counselling sessions over the next few weeks, and while they aren't the end solution -I'm sure quitting is the only answer, but I'm letting that realisation sink in at it's own pace- I know it will be invaluable to share my problems with a professional.
In the meantime, it's already been such a comfort using this site in the brief time since I discovered it. I hope to see you on here as much as I intend to...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
By the way; an update for those who read my original post at the top:
Dad returned from rehab 3 days ago. We had dinner together as a family and did our best to keep his courage up for the challenge ahead. He talked about all the good things he planned to do now sober. We gave him the benefit of the doubt even though we had nothing in our lives to convince us he would last.
We found he had relapsed yesterday and are now considering the heart-breaking decision to cut ourselves off drastically. Whether he drinks or not, he's so far gone now he'll never allow us to handle our own problems while he can drag us down with his. Fortunately there's more social and health support services paying attention to him now so that may allow us to back off to an extent.
I know how hypocritical I sound, but I have to bury my own problem while tackling my father's but should I be able to quit for good in the near future, I'll have no better incentive than to save myself from the habit that's so utterly claimed and ruined him.
Dad returned from rehab 3 days ago. We had dinner together as a family and did our best to keep his courage up for the challenge ahead. He talked about all the good things he planned to do now sober. We gave him the benefit of the doubt even though we had nothing in our lives to convince us he would last.
We found he had relapsed yesterday and are now considering the heart-breaking decision to cut ourselves off drastically. Whether he drinks or not, he's so far gone now he'll never allow us to handle our own problems while he can drag us down with his. Fortunately there's more social and health support services paying attention to him now so that may allow us to back off to an extent.
I know how hypocritical I sound, but I have to bury my own problem while tackling my father's but should I be able to quit for good in the near future, I'll have no better incentive than to save myself from the habit that's so utterly claimed and ruined him.
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