I love drinking but it doesn't love me back (anymore).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 4
I love drinking but it doesn't love me back (anymore).
Hey all –
I just want to introduce myself and get the ball rolling as far as this board goes, joined up about a week ago. I’ve been drinking heavily for about 10 years. I’m not sober and I’m not going to declare I’m done with it but I’ve created an account here because I like reading what you all have to say and I would like to discuss the various things on my mind that I can’t discuss with the people I know because I don’t want to worry them, even though they probably already are worried. A lot of the people I’m close to also enjoy drinking so I feel alone in that I’m starting to feel like this isn’t the way I want to live my life. I’ve felt like that for a few years but I’m starting to work out in my mind how to actually make that happen.
I’d like to be one of those people that can say, “I used to drink, but I don’t anymore.” I’ve come to admire those people for a reason. However, right now the thought of quitting totally, completely, forever...is overwhelming. There have been a series of stupid events that are happening more often. I’m sick of having to apologize for myself and expecting my loved ones to accept my apologies over and over.
I’ve been asking myself lately what it is I need to fix in my life. There are many things but I’ve gone around in circles trying to convince myself that I can fix the other aspects of my life while simultaneously keeping my relationship with drinking in tact. However, I’m starting to believe that won’t be possible: I need to fix this first before I can get around to any of the other things I need to do, things that will make me proud & happy instead of ashamed and disappointed. I’m here because I don’t really like myself that much anymore but I know that has more to do with drinking than it does with who I actually am because I used to have great self-confidence and I used to be a better person than this.
The other day my brother’s girlfriend said, “I’m thinking about quitting smoking but right now I’m still smoking.” A silent, shameful voice in my head reminded me that I’m thinking about quitting drinking but I’m still drinking. Some people would say that she & I aren’t serious because we’re only thinking about it but I disagree. I must prepare myself mentally for what’s ahead, I must lay new tracks before my train can set off into unexplored territory and by thinking these things over, I am building those tracks. I want to be armed also in that new territory, I don’t know what enemies might try to attack.
I look forward to many discussions with you guys, maybe the wisdom of your experience can help me build, and rebuild if necessary. Thanks for reading.
I just want to introduce myself and get the ball rolling as far as this board goes, joined up about a week ago. I’ve been drinking heavily for about 10 years. I’m not sober and I’m not going to declare I’m done with it but I’ve created an account here because I like reading what you all have to say and I would like to discuss the various things on my mind that I can’t discuss with the people I know because I don’t want to worry them, even though they probably already are worried. A lot of the people I’m close to also enjoy drinking so I feel alone in that I’m starting to feel like this isn’t the way I want to live my life. I’ve felt like that for a few years but I’m starting to work out in my mind how to actually make that happen.
I’d like to be one of those people that can say, “I used to drink, but I don’t anymore.” I’ve come to admire those people for a reason. However, right now the thought of quitting totally, completely, forever...is overwhelming. There have been a series of stupid events that are happening more often. I’m sick of having to apologize for myself and expecting my loved ones to accept my apologies over and over.
I’ve been asking myself lately what it is I need to fix in my life. There are many things but I’ve gone around in circles trying to convince myself that I can fix the other aspects of my life while simultaneously keeping my relationship with drinking in tact. However, I’m starting to believe that won’t be possible: I need to fix this first before I can get around to any of the other things I need to do, things that will make me proud & happy instead of ashamed and disappointed. I’m here because I don’t really like myself that much anymore but I know that has more to do with drinking than it does with who I actually am because I used to have great self-confidence and I used to be a better person than this.
The other day my brother’s girlfriend said, “I’m thinking about quitting smoking but right now I’m still smoking.” A silent, shameful voice in my head reminded me that I’m thinking about quitting drinking but I’m still drinking. Some people would say that she & I aren’t serious because we’re only thinking about it but I disagree. I must prepare myself mentally for what’s ahead, I must lay new tracks before my train can set off into unexplored territory and by thinking these things over, I am building those tracks. I want to be armed also in that new territory, I don’t know what enemies might try to attack.
I look forward to many discussions with you guys, maybe the wisdom of your experience can help me build, and rebuild if necessary. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
glad your here and admire your courage. to be honest....you can't really prepare for sobriety....there is no way to know wht that path will hold. I reached a point where i just couldn't go on...went to treatment...and on...
I couldn't address my other problems without fixing the alchohol problem first... just as you said.
please keep reading and posting...you will see it is possible...and talk to a dr. too please.
I couldn't address my other problems without fixing the alchohol problem first... just as you said.
please keep reading and posting...you will see it is possible...and talk to a dr. too please.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Welcome to SR RATT,
Well, if ya ain't done yet then ya ain't done yet. All I know is that I had to hit a point where I couldn't take another drink, to drink again was to eventually die. Many of us in sobriety found our bottom, the only way out was to seek recovery.
I hope you find the answers you're looking for here, and find something that'll work for you.
Well, if ya ain't done yet then ya ain't done yet. All I know is that I had to hit a point where I couldn't take another drink, to drink again was to eventually die. Many of us in sobriety found our bottom, the only way out was to seek recovery.
I hope you find the answers you're looking for here, and find something that'll work for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi and Big Welcome!
You're definitely not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the idea of never drinking again. I was really scared to imagine life without being able to numb myself, in fact I couldn't imagine it. That kept me on the vicious cycle of drinking - guilt/shame-drinking for a lot longer than I needed to be.
I do agree with you about the mindset. I think it's important. Something that really helped me with my mindset was a book called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir about a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol and how she grieved over its loss. But, she did it and it gave me the hope that I could do it too.
And, yes, do check with your dr.
You're definitely not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the idea of never drinking again. I was really scared to imagine life without being able to numb myself, in fact I couldn't imagine it. That kept me on the vicious cycle of drinking - guilt/shame-drinking for a lot longer than I needed to be.
I do agree with you about the mindset. I think it's important. Something that really helped me with my mindset was a book called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir about a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol and how she grieved over its loss. But, she did it and it gave me the hope that I could do it too.
And, yes, do check with your dr.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I was wanting to stop drinking last December, but after a lot of stops and relapses, I'm now on day seven of being sober. I hope desperately this is my last time starting over. Every time I've gone back to drinking I feel worse and worse. I don't want to do this to myself anymore. It sounds like you don't want to drink anymore either. I suggest, as others have, talking with your doctor, as the withdrawals from heavy alcohol use can be very unpleasant, if not dangerous.
The idea of never drinking again bothers you. The best advice I've gotten from AA has been this simple slogan: One Day At A Time. That's how I'm quitting drinking - one day at a time. Just for today I will not drink. And tomorrow, the same thing. But I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It's the only way I can do this. Maybe you can stop drinking too, one day at a time.
I wish the best for you.:ghug3
The idea of never drinking again bothers you. The best advice I've gotten from AA has been this simple slogan: One Day At A Time. That's how I'm quitting drinking - one day at a time. Just for today I will not drink. And tomorrow, the same thing. But I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It's the only way I can do this. Maybe you can stop drinking too, one day at a time.
I wish the best for you.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 201
Hi and Welcome RoomAtTheTop...
Sounds like you have not hit bottom yet....sometimes you have to bump along the bottom until it really hurts or you hurt yourself bad enough to get off the merry-go-round...! You have all the signs, heavy drinking followed by being sick of having to apologize for yourself. Every friend/co-worker I have drinks, so I have had to turn into the guy says “I used to drink, but I don’t anymore.” I will tell you it is not easy and most will try to shove you back into the bottle so they do not lose there drinking buddy. I am at day 10 and screen all calls...if it's a old drinking buddy calling right before happy hour I do not pickup. They are as hard headed as I was before I was ready to be done with life in the bottle. I just hope it does'nt take a crash landing to get you ready. Good news is you would not be here and asking yourself...should I? I know for me there was a light at the end of the tunnel...YEP....It was a trian and I jumped off the tracks just in time LOL...no really I did!
Good luck!
Sounds like you have not hit bottom yet....sometimes you have to bump along the bottom until it really hurts or you hurt yourself bad enough to get off the merry-go-round...! You have all the signs, heavy drinking followed by being sick of having to apologize for yourself. Every friend/co-worker I have drinks, so I have had to turn into the guy says “I used to drink, but I don’t anymore.” I will tell you it is not easy and most will try to shove you back into the bottle so they do not lose there drinking buddy. I am at day 10 and screen all calls...if it's a old drinking buddy calling right before happy hour I do not pickup. They are as hard headed as I was before I was ready to be done with life in the bottle. I just hope it does'nt take a crash landing to get you ready. Good news is you would not be here and asking yourself...should I? I know for me there was a light at the end of the tunnel...YEP....It was a trian and I jumped off the tracks just in time LOL...no really I did!
Good luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
So glad you've joined us. I drank for decades, insisting I could control it. Tried so hard to make it be what it once was to me - a refuge. That way of thinking got me into trouble in every aspect of my life. I joined SR last August but it took until January for me to really "get it". I don't have another binge in me, my time has run out & I'm damn lucky to still have a life. As Ananda said, "I just couldn't go on". Maybe you don't need anything terrible to happen to you in order to quit - maybe you just need to keep reading and sharing. You sound ready. Congratulations, we'll be pulling for you!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 49
Welcome! You sound so much like me. Wanting to fix so many other things in my life. But nothing will ever get fixed if the drinking doesn't stop. The drinking is always there...I can fix everything but the drinking will always be there...and nothing will ever really be fixed if the drinking contuines. It sucks!!!! I'm trying... This site has helped me SO much. The people on here are great. I have gone days without drinking, thanks to this site. But I always have gone back to drinking. Now though, I have hope. I see so many people on here that have done it, stopped drinking...and that gives me hope. Hope, that i've never had before. Keep posting and updating on your progress. Good luck to you! You are here for a reason.
"Meow. No, I am not a pup!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 269
I sing break-up songs to my ex - the bottle...
I will survive
The carnival is over
Thorn in my side
Fighter
I never loved you anyway
Kiss this thing goodbye
I love you goodbye
I'm outta love
The long goodbye
It has taken me a little longer to end bad this bad relationship than normally but then it has outlasted all the others by YEARS.
And after just over a week, I ain't missing him!!!
Single, sober PupMum
I will survive
The carnival is over
Thorn in my side
Fighter
I never loved you anyway
Kiss this thing goodbye
I love you goodbye
I'm outta love
The long goodbye
It has taken me a little longer to end bad this bad relationship than normally but then it has outlasted all the others by YEARS.
And after just over a week, I ain't missing him!!!
Single, sober PupMum
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Welcome RATT,
Hey don't wait until you've lost something you cherish to quit drinking, you might not get it back. Admitting you are powerless over alcohol and making it through one day at a time is the way to go. Remembering that it's the first drink that gets you drunk not the last also helps.
John
Hey don't wait until you've lost something you cherish to quit drinking, you might not get it back. Admitting you are powerless over alcohol and making it through one day at a time is the way to go. Remembering that it's the first drink that gets you drunk not the last also helps.
John
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