four812

I'm in a familiar position in that once again I used. it was last saturday night. I had the brilliant idea of having a beer with my girlfriend. then I had another. a few hours later I hit the pipe a few times....

fortunately I stopped and went home. fortunately I didn't hurt my girlfriend with the abandonment-hurt that I've given her so many times. Because she slept the whole time I was gone.

I knew before I drank that I couldn't drink. It pisses me off. I want to be able to drink...to smoke pot...to be able to do something. something that allows me to run. if only I could learn to chose a healthy, loving, constructive way to "run". better yet would be to not come to a state of "wanting to run". but that may be a ways off.

for now I'll assume that I will have the desire to "run" away from my life and my thoughts. And the next time my girlfriend wants a drink, which isn't very often, I'm going to imagine something good that could come later in the night after she gets a couple of drinks in her. I'm going to bear in milnd that to drink, for me, is to smoke crack. I am determined to stop using, so I must be determined to not drink. Most of my using has been simply using--I have just bypassed the drink for a long time, but the drink is surely going to result in crack for me. I can be strong in this area, I can stand on my own feet and understand that I am my own person and that just because she drinks doesn't mean that I have to or that I have to feel sorry for myself.

OK....I've been doing a lot of right things and will continue practicing that. especially writing, meditating, and excercising. I have the opportunity to write right now. the next step would be for me to meditate. and after that it would be to excercise. I have the opportunity to do all of that right now.

my mnind doesn't want to. my mind want to sleep. it wants to "run away" in sleep. sleep is an acceptable way for me to "run away", but I have to be careful with that. sleep can make me lazy and just want to get by with the bare minimum and that can lead me back to the darkness of using. My mind wants to eat, to smoke cigarettes, to blast music in my ears. I will try, more and more, to not let my mind control my life. I will USE my mind to lead me towards the light.

I can let my Heart LEAD me right now. so my mind wants to be lazy. but my heart is never lazy. My heart wants to love. My heart wants healing for me and the planet. my heart wants to listen. my heart wants to wonder. My heart appreciates the miracle of something as seemingly simply as "dental floss"--my heart wonders at the marvel of its creation.

In order to get in touch with my heart I have to let go of my "habit" mind patterns. I can do this. I can recover. I can not only stay clean and sober, but I can open up myself to receive the real miracle that exists right now in this breath.

wow...this moment feels much better, more connected to the planet with love and compassion and kindness than the moment when I began to write. I want to increase my writing to 30 minutes a day, but for right now this is good. I am going to try and direct my mind with my heart to pult myself in the position to meditate. and after that I will try to do the same to get me to go for a walk. I can do this. I can change. I can love myself and the world. that is my natural state. I've been living in insanity my whole life. drinking and using is only a simpton of my problem. my problem is me and is in me and that is where the operation of recovery must take place. IN ME.

I can (and must) receive help from outside of me. this can come from meetings, YOGA class, social contact, reading. there are so many resources available that have help to offer me.

and I can (and must) find help within my own self. and this can come from writing, and relaxing, and being still, and being silent, and listening, and praying.

thanks universe

CarolD

Good to know you lived thru another destructive
time of active addiction.

Have you considered a treatment facility?
You mentioned alcohol...pot and crack.
You might benefit from professional help.

Blessings

AWdesign

You did a really good thing by finding recovery again! I can identify with you by not being able to drink. I always had a good time drinking but if I drink I will snort a line, buy a bag, whatever! I have to remind myself of where the drink will take me and all of the precious things I've lost by using and drinking, an important one being ME! Thank God, He gave you another chance! One thing I think about when I think of drinking is "what am I trying to run from, what feeling am I trying not to feel, it only makes me stronger when I walk through something instead of hide from it. Good Luck!

Anna

Hi Ksplash,

I'm glad you're back working at recovery again.

tommyk

You fell, you got back up.

Stay on your program.

Keep coming back.

ThisIsTheDay

Yep...what everyone else said...Glad your back!

Hope

That is great that you got back up and are keeping at it.
Learn from it and continue forward.

four812

I really appreciate the responses.


i'm pretty sad and it's been raining hard outside matching my gloomy inside. this is because my girlfriend wants me to move out.

I just officially moved in a month ago (after my lease expired), although i've been living with her for 8 months. after I moved in we both came to an agreement that if I ever used again then I would move out. yesterday afternoon, 2 days after I used, she told me she wanted me to move.

I don't want to move again. I'm angry. at myself. and at her for not being flexible. I want to blame her, after all she's the one who wanted to drink in front of me, then said I could drink, then we wanted more after that. then she fell asleep and I was all by myself and drunk .... and boom. the switch went from off to on.

then on top of that I used again last night after this came down.

Anna

Ksplash,

I think you know that continuing to drink will make this situation worse than it is. It looks like your girlfriend is sticking to the agreement that you made. So, use this time to focus on yourself and your recovery and I know you can do this!

four812

thanks anna.....I will.

I have to FEEL the pain now.

the pain of this situation and any other hurts and fears that come up

Tazman53

I am sure you wish you knew what this is leading to, but the most important thing you do not want it to lead to is more using. Are you working a program, using a support group?

four812

agreed. No more using over a broken heart or any other reason.

thanks for the question about working a program. I feel that I am. even yesterday when I used after my broken heart.....before that I had meditated, wrote, and excercised, and ate healthy. I didn't attend a meeting but I took actions that often are sugested in a recovery program.


I have been closely attached to AA for many years, including 8 years of sobriety my first time around (before crack)

I wear AA much more loosely today. AA simply does not meet my needs, but i do love the contact with others who are trying to stay sober. I have friends in the program. I'm attending a couple meetings a week, and spend a little time at the alano club.

Bill wilson said "more will be revealed". my "recovery program" consists of other things too. FOR example, writing. I find writing very theraputic and it helps me to know what I am thinking and feeling. also meditating (which for me means: sitting down and emptying the mind of thought and following the breath for 10 minutes or more).

I am now putting excercise into my recovery. and YOGA. and many things that "Thic Nhat Hanh" talks about (he is awsome)

I am also learning and practicing and having sucess at breathing through my feelings, and letting my feelings exist, instead of trying to get rid of them (the uncomfortable feelings)

I am also in therapy with a wonderful therapist and see her weekly.

i'm open to further suggestions