stumblin'....
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
stumblin'....
I rarely speak about this...but I think I need to.
As many of you know, I have cerebral palsy.
With that as an underlying condition, and the insane punishment I gave my body over 15 years of uncaring drunkenness, some days I can - literally - barely get out of bed, let alone get out the door.....
These past few weeks? It's been worse - way worse - maybe it's the onset of winter here, maybe it's the fact I'll soon be 41....but some days I haven't even been able to get to my local shop 5 mins down the road. Other days when I tried, I very nearly fell....
For the past two days I haven't even been able to play my guitar.
For me, that's hell. Looking at it makes me wants to smash it into bits.
I've had time to kill...not unnaturally, I've been thinking about my future and all the horrors it may hold - wheelchairs, incapacitation, a time when I may no longer be able to make music, or be anything but a burden to my partner, much less a husband....
Even tho I have 14 months, I've thought of drinking - yesterday and today.
I've been thinking that the one thing drinking always did was make me forget - and it always took away the pain.
I was on my way out the door to drink this morning...but I didn't do it.
Partly because I thought about what it would do to my partner, partly because I can hardly get to the bloody letter box let alone walk to the sodding liquor store, but mainly because...I'm not the old me anymore.
Drinking *didn't* make me forget - not at the end, and it bought with it a whole army of other problems I've no wish to see again. I know that if I fall now, I may not get the chance to rise again.
I don't want kudos for not drinking, or sympathy for anything.
I'm fine now - the storm has passed - I have someone here watching over me
I just wanted to share that, it's hard for all of us sometimes - but you can, we all can, rise above whatever troubles us and...do things better than we have in the past.
thanks guys
D
As many of you know, I have cerebral palsy.
With that as an underlying condition, and the insane punishment I gave my body over 15 years of uncaring drunkenness, some days I can - literally - barely get out of bed, let alone get out the door.....
These past few weeks? It's been worse - way worse - maybe it's the onset of winter here, maybe it's the fact I'll soon be 41....but some days I haven't even been able to get to my local shop 5 mins down the road. Other days when I tried, I very nearly fell....
For the past two days I haven't even been able to play my guitar.
For me, that's hell. Looking at it makes me wants to smash it into bits.
I've had time to kill...not unnaturally, I've been thinking about my future and all the horrors it may hold - wheelchairs, incapacitation, a time when I may no longer be able to make music, or be anything but a burden to my partner, much less a husband....
Even tho I have 14 months, I've thought of drinking - yesterday and today.
I've been thinking that the one thing drinking always did was make me forget - and it always took away the pain.
I was on my way out the door to drink this morning...but I didn't do it.
Partly because I thought about what it would do to my partner, partly because I can hardly get to the bloody letter box let alone walk to the sodding liquor store, but mainly because...I'm not the old me anymore.
Drinking *didn't* make me forget - not at the end, and it bought with it a whole army of other problems I've no wish to see again. I know that if I fall now, I may not get the chance to rise again.
I don't want kudos for not drinking, or sympathy for anything.
I'm fine now - the storm has passed - I have someone here watching over me
I just wanted to share that, it's hard for all of us sometimes - but you can, we all can, rise above whatever troubles us and...do things better than we have in the past.
thanks guys
D
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,787
Thanks Dee, thats a great example for me of how we can stay sober and clean no matter how hard it gets and I am gld you didn't smash your guitar, you can write and play about it instead.
Whenever I start look at the past and especially when I live into the future, my head goes off and suddenly my world is a bad place again.
Here is the poite fellowship version, 'Yesterday is history and Tomorrow is a mystery', lets let it stay that way and be here now.
Glad your here mate.
Kevin
Whenever I start look at the past and especially when I live into the future, my head goes off and suddenly my world is a bad place again.
Here is the poite fellowship version, 'Yesterday is history and Tomorrow is a mystery', lets let it stay that way and be here now.
Glad your here mate.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
I've been thinking that the one thing drinking always did was make me forget - and it always took away the pain.
You didn't do it though-and I'm so proud of you.
In many ways,you have every reason,possibly more than many here-to drink-but you didn't.I would never assume to understand the pain of what you deal with day to day, but I do know, as your friend, the courage it takes to face it, live with it, and beyond that-come here and forgetting yourself, offer support to people who have no idea of what you're facing!
Yet you do.You keep giving.That's more than admirable.
I hope this dark time in your life passes quickly.If nothing else-your post is a great reminder that we are all just one step away from this addiction-no matter how many months/days we have.
But again-you chose not to.
What an inspiration you are.You have my prayers,
Much love,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 201
Wow Dee.... I feel the pain in that post and thanks for sharing your life. I do understand what your going thru....I am a little older than you and we all take Inventory of our lifes after 40 I do Belive....You are so strong and I feel so weak after reading this! We all need to understand just how lucky we are to be living in the moment and to have a 2nd chance to make things right in our minds, to make peace...to live out our dreams....Thanks for leting us in, we post here but have no Idea what others are truly going thru!
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
Wow, Dee. I just want to thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry that you've been going through all of that, but, I hope that it will pass. You have really inspired me this morning, and I thank you for that. God Bless You!
Honu
Honu
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Dee...Like Barb, I am too am honored to call you friend. Your physical limitations do not dampen the strength that you resonate in each and every post. I can't imagine the struggle that you endure on a daily basis to do the things that most take for granted. I am glad that you are here sharing your story and I wish for you as always, nothing but the best.
Dawn
Dawn
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
Hi Dee,
Your post is inspirational!
I don't know why we have the struggles we do during this lifetime. I think it's because of things we need to learn. Your post is terrific and I hope you feel better.
Your post is inspirational!
I don't know why we have the struggles we do during this lifetime. I think it's because of things we need to learn. Your post is terrific and I hope you feel better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, N.Y.
Posts: 4,639
Dee, I just wanted to give you much love and thank you for sharing. It does suck being in our 40's (I thought you were still in your 30's LOL) I'll be 42 in a couple of weeks. Yuk.
You have always been a inspiration to me since i first met you. You and a bunch of others on here are the ones that gave me inspiration to get and try to stay sober. Now I'm almost 5 months. We are all miracles.
Keep your chin up and keep flirting with the girls and just stay in the day. As my sponser always tells me (Which I hate most of the time) "Life on life's terms"
Much love,
Barb
You have always been a inspiration to me since i first met you. You and a bunch of others on here are the ones that gave me inspiration to get and try to stay sober. Now I'm almost 5 months. We are all miracles.
Keep your chin up and keep flirting with the girls and just stay in the day. As my sponser always tells me (Which I hate most of the time) "Life on life's terms"
Much love,
Barb
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Dee, no sympathy here, however, I will say I totally UNDERSTAND.
At the end of 2000 I was told I could no longer work. For years I had been doing private home care of the terminally ill and the totally incapacitated. This, of course, required much lifting and strong legs.
I had been struggling with alcoholic neuropathy for several years already when the Dr gave me the ominous news. Alcoholic neuropathy is the after affects from the years of drinking I did. The alcohol burned off the coatings on the nerves and thus my nerves especially in my legs give erroneous messages. I would try and walk straight and would walk sideways like I was drunk. Never knew where my foot was going to land, usually not where I wanted it to. The neuropathy also sends erroneous pain messages, horrible pain, stabbing up the leg from the heel like a hot poker, or the whole leg on fire like someone had just thrown burning gasoline on me.
So I was in a real pickle, 19 1/2 years sober, and had the "What's the use?" and "Whats the point?" and the "Ah screw its."
I had no health insurance at the time and it took 2 years and 7 months for good old Social Security to finally decide that Yep I was disabled and would not be able to work again. In the meantime, thankfully, I had some friends that did help, and a wonderful Dr that got me a walker, and then a wheel chair for a while when I couldn't even use the walker.
I did come back, with PT (pro bono) until health insurance kicked in. New medications that keep the neuropathy more in check, however, my walker stays handy, like you I still have days when I cannot walk without the walker and even then literally drag my feet using my upper arm strength.
The point of the above is to say, I am glad you have found that even with these disabilities and road blocks, sober is better. If I was drinking I wouldn't even be able to use my walker, would just be a lump lying there.
My dogs understand there are days when they have to be real careful around me and other days when we all can romp and play. Their intuitiveness is amazing.
You did good Dee!!!! You are doing good. You are facing the curve balls that life throws us and moving on.
You are an inspiration to many on this site.
Keep posting and keep sharing, you have no idea how many you help by your honest, forthright posts!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
At the end of 2000 I was told I could no longer work. For years I had been doing private home care of the terminally ill and the totally incapacitated. This, of course, required much lifting and strong legs.
I had been struggling with alcoholic neuropathy for several years already when the Dr gave me the ominous news. Alcoholic neuropathy is the after affects from the years of drinking I did. The alcohol burned off the coatings on the nerves and thus my nerves especially in my legs give erroneous messages. I would try and walk straight and would walk sideways like I was drunk. Never knew where my foot was going to land, usually not where I wanted it to. The neuropathy also sends erroneous pain messages, horrible pain, stabbing up the leg from the heel like a hot poker, or the whole leg on fire like someone had just thrown burning gasoline on me.
So I was in a real pickle, 19 1/2 years sober, and had the "What's the use?" and "Whats the point?" and the "Ah screw its."
I had no health insurance at the time and it took 2 years and 7 months for good old Social Security to finally decide that Yep I was disabled and would not be able to work again. In the meantime, thankfully, I had some friends that did help, and a wonderful Dr that got me a walker, and then a wheel chair for a while when I couldn't even use the walker.
I did come back, with PT (pro bono) until health insurance kicked in. New medications that keep the neuropathy more in check, however, my walker stays handy, like you I still have days when I cannot walk without the walker and even then literally drag my feet using my upper arm strength.
The point of the above is to say, I am glad you have found that even with these disabilities and road blocks, sober is better. If I was drinking I wouldn't even be able to use my walker, would just be a lump lying there.
My dogs understand there are days when they have to be real careful around me and other days when we all can romp and play. Their intuitiveness is amazing.
You did good Dee!!!! You are doing good. You are facing the curve balls that life throws us and moving on.
You are an inspiration to many on this site.
Keep posting and keep sharing, you have no idea how many you help by your honest, forthright posts!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I wasn't going to post again - like I said no kudos, no sympathy - but with so many great responses, I just had to say I'm glad, really glad, that so many seem to have gotten something from my post....
it's humbling.
thanks to all
oh and yeah - doing ok !!
D
it's humbling.
thanks to all
oh and yeah - doing ok !!
D
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