stumblin'....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Morning Dee and thanks for the post! LOL to the loitering outside the wine shop comment.
I think the fear is normal and healthy....when one considers the depths that alcohol brought us to. I too had thoughts of drinking this week...like you say nothing obsessive, nor nothing I could not dismiss...but the thought was there. While I have no physical limitations that frustrate me, I have a teenager (almost 20) who is determined to send me to an early grave. My heart was hurting beyond description early this week and that voice that lives within us all started to chat with me. Thankfully we both have learned how to respond to the voice on the occasion that it decides to rear its ugly head. To deny the fact that it speaks sometimes is a disservice to ourselves and others. What you have shown me in you post is that once again I am not alone but even more important that we can overcome even the strongest of urges. It does boil down sometimes to taking things one day at a time. Projecting the future can cause turmoil, I need to work on this area daily.
Thank you for your honestly, your post and your presence on this board is truly a gift to me today and I imagine for a long time to come! I have no doubt that you will work thru this tough time coming out the other side stronger and wiser...a gift you will share with us all.
Well there is my 2 cents...that and $1.75 will get you a cup of coffee!!
Much love to you my friend!
I think the fear is normal and healthy....when one considers the depths that alcohol brought us to. I too had thoughts of drinking this week...like you say nothing obsessive, nor nothing I could not dismiss...but the thought was there. While I have no physical limitations that frustrate me, I have a teenager (almost 20) who is determined to send me to an early grave. My heart was hurting beyond description early this week and that voice that lives within us all started to chat with me. Thankfully we both have learned how to respond to the voice on the occasion that it decides to rear its ugly head. To deny the fact that it speaks sometimes is a disservice to ourselves and others. What you have shown me in you post is that once again I am not alone but even more important that we can overcome even the strongest of urges. It does boil down sometimes to taking things one day at a time. Projecting the future can cause turmoil, I need to work on this area daily.
Thank you for your honestly, your post and your presence on this board is truly a gift to me today and I imagine for a long time to come! I have no doubt that you will work thru this tough time coming out the other side stronger and wiser...a gift you will share with us all.
Well there is my 2 cents...that and $1.75 will get you a cup of coffee!!
Much love to you my friend!
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
for me can be many things, but the thing that most often gets my dis ease rattling again is change or that is fear of change even when I am in pain and I know that change is there ready and good for me, I hang on to the familiar until the last moment and then surrender and of course its all ok!
It always helps me to face whats going on and to tell another addict as well, which you have done.
Then again I know you don't do AA meets but being with other Addicts and listening to them is the best way I have found to heal and I have tried everything and yep I mean everything.
Borrowed from Lbad;"everything is already ok"
Kevin
It always helps me to face whats going on and to tell another addict as well, which you have done.
Then again I know you don't do AA meets but being with other Addicts and listening to them is the best way I have found to heal and I have tried everything and yep I mean everything.
Borrowed from Lbad;"everything is already ok"
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I've been thinking lately that having drinking thoughts that we see in our life may actually be the healther thing. When I see these thought arise...I SEE the insanity starting.....I think that the one that will get me is the one that I don't see coming. (not sure that made since but it does to me) 
And read what you said to Row-Row yesterday. Now apply it to yourself.
You have lots of support here...glad to see you using it. It seems to me that however the people at SR stay sober, we have one thing in common....we are WE. PMs are nice too.
We are right here with you Dee.
And read what you said to Row-Row yesterday. Now apply it to yourself.
You have lots of support here...glad to see you using it. It seems to me that however the people at SR stay sober, we have one thing in common....we are WE. PMs are nice too.
We are right here with you Dee.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
First of all I want to come clean, I Know at the Beginning
we star it at the wrong foot of each other, But what is so
awesome about recovery is Changing old Behaviors and been
able to be Humble
so Buddy I Just want to Apologize for any inconvenience
and Thanxs, for Sharing your Experience of strength,and Hope,
and I Thanx God for People like you, Because Here I'm complaining
about my Life and heiring, you share gave me and eye opening
and this is no oodles, or Kudos, of Sympathy, this comes stray from the Heart, God Bless & happy Fathers Day
we star it at the wrong foot of each other, But what is so
awesome about recovery is Changing old Behaviors and been
able to be Humble
so Buddy I Just want to Apologize for any inconvenience
and Thanxs, for Sharing your Experience of strength,and Hope,
and I Thanx God for People like you, Because Here I'm complaining
about my Life and heiring, you share gave me and eye opening
and this is no oodles, or Kudos, of Sympathy, this comes stray from the Heart, God Bless & happy Fathers Day
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by mikel60 
The subtle insanity that precedes the first drink seems but a gentle lullaby that will calm the storm in our breasts.
It does make sense, though. Right on the mark.
So glad you posted, D.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Dee
As you know, I had a close call yesterday.
Despite my best efforts, prayer, etc, that sweet voice whispers seductively in my ear from time to time (no, not Nige!) and says 'why not have one?' or 'surely you can drink normally by now?'
Cunning, baffling, powerful, and PATIENT. This has been my experience with alcoholism, and countless others. We read or hear about others' tragic experiences with relapse, and still the voice persists. Dunno why. Sometimes, I'm glad for it. It keeps me a little extra vigilant. Yesterday, I wasn't vigilant. I was terrified. Terrified that I felt such a strong pull - and I knew without a doubt that if I didn't get the hell out of dodge, I woulda been a goner. I'm not proud of that fact, but that's just the way it is.
What has been most important for me is to keep talking to others about this stuff. Others in recovery, I mean. Not Nige, even though he's a good man. He's not a drunk like me, and it's not fair to expect him to be able to relate.
So. I talk. I pick up the phone. I visit friends. I go to meetings. I talk some more. I have a friend coming over today - she's been struggling, and has a baby. We will sit in the shade of a beautiful maple tree in my backyard, sip mineral water on ice, and talk awhile. Tonight I will meet my sponsor by the lake for a coffee, then we will walk to the meeting. And by the grace of God I'll have another sober day.
I love you, Dee. You've been a terrific friend, and I've seen you come a long way.
That's my only advice. Keep talking. Keep sharing.
As you know, I had a close call yesterday.
Despite my best efforts, prayer, etc, that sweet voice whispers seductively in my ear from time to time (no, not Nige!) and says 'why not have one?' or 'surely you can drink normally by now?'
Cunning, baffling, powerful, and PATIENT. This has been my experience with alcoholism, and countless others. We read or hear about others' tragic experiences with relapse, and still the voice persists. Dunno why. Sometimes, I'm glad for it. It keeps me a little extra vigilant. Yesterday, I wasn't vigilant. I was terrified. Terrified that I felt such a strong pull - and I knew without a doubt that if I didn't get the hell out of dodge, I woulda been a goner. I'm not proud of that fact, but that's just the way it is.
What has been most important for me is to keep talking to others about this stuff. Others in recovery, I mean. Not Nige, even though he's a good man. He's not a drunk like me, and it's not fair to expect him to be able to relate.
So. I talk. I pick up the phone. I visit friends. I go to meetings. I talk some more. I have a friend coming over today - she's been struggling, and has a baby. We will sit in the shade of a beautiful maple tree in my backyard, sip mineral water on ice, and talk awhile. Tonight I will meet my sponsor by the lake for a coffee, then we will walk to the meeting. And by the grace of God I'll have another sober day.
I love you, Dee. You've been a terrific friend, and I've seen you come a long way.
That's my only advice. Keep talking. Keep sharing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Heya Dee,
I agree with all the replies and I think you are already doing the next right thing by sharing here.
I once heard this phrase at an open AA meeting I used to attend: "Tell on your disease." I really liked it but at that time had never associated it with my own problems.
These days I need to be around honest people in recovery; the ones who just don't share all their successes but are humble and honest enough with themselves and others to admit what is really going on. I've quit a few particular Alanon meetings because that was not going on there.
I am sorry you are having these thoughts but actually in a way it's probably a good thing because when it happens to me, I really am forced to take notice and take a good long, hard look inside myself.
Another thought that I had about when my thoughts start to take me where I don't want to go is to remember that I need to fill my head with other things as a distraction. It helps me sometimes and sometimes not. Lately I've had to fend off some pre-recovery thinking of my own. I'm sure in my case it's because I haven't been feeling well lately. (HALT)
Anyhooo. I know you will figure out what works best for you.
Thanks for sharing!
cmc
I agree with all the replies and I think you are already doing the next right thing by sharing here.
I once heard this phrase at an open AA meeting I used to attend: "Tell on your disease." I really liked it but at that time had never associated it with my own problems.
These days I need to be around honest people in recovery; the ones who just don't share all their successes but are humble and honest enough with themselves and others to admit what is really going on. I've quit a few particular Alanon meetings because that was not going on there.
I am sorry you are having these thoughts but actually in a way it's probably a good thing because when it happens to me, I really am forced to take notice and take a good long, hard look inside myself.
Another thought that I had about when my thoughts start to take me where I don't want to go is to remember that I need to fill my head with other things as a distraction. It helps me sometimes and sometimes not. Lately I've had to fend off some pre-recovery thinking of my own. I'm sure in my case it's because I haven't been feeling well lately. (HALT)
Anyhooo. I know you will figure out what works best for you.
Thanks for sharing!
cmc
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Dee, I've been thinking about this post all day. I so wanted to have something helpful and clever to say, but I've got nothin'. I too have had drinking thoughts flit across my mind the past few days - I'm attributing it (in my case) to summertime in an ocean town & all the triggers. To know you all are out there going through the same thing I am means the world. Today I was out shopping for flowers, & things for a barbecue. A happy thing, right? Out of nowhere, up popped the thought, "What am I so happy about, I have nothing to really look forward to." What?!? Of course that's not true - so why'd I think it? I then told myself if I needed alcohol to make life fun and meaningful, maybe I need to make some changes. I'm glad we're having this discussion, since there's not another soul in my life I can turn to with these thoughts. Love you all so very much.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Dee74
Bumpity Bump
excuse the Winnie the Pooh ref, but I feel like I've been dragged down stairs today emotionally LOL
so...the saga continues -
I spoke with my partner - we pretty much figured out that I was probably trying to be all things - the perfect man (how unusual for me)....
at the same time, wanting this but facing my very real physical limitations was sending me into a panic and a place where I wanted to escape - and naturally my thoughts turned subconsciously and impulsively back to a known 'solution'...
That's all very well - and working that out, and the fact I feel better physically, has made the latter part of this week more 'normal'.
so.....why am I still thinking of drinking?
Not obsessively - but more than I have in the past year.
Not agonisingly either - I haven;t bought booze, I haven't loitered outside the wine shop paciing and mumbling to myself....the thoughts are easy to dismiss - I'm finally the man I always wanted to be, I'm productive again, I'm happy, I have a woman (better than I ever dreamed of) with me...
for the first time in adulthood, I love my life...and myself.
I'm not gonna give any of that up, and I know that I do the minute I take that first sip....
but most days this week, the idea's been in my head - 'just one bottle', 'just one night' - so....what gives?
I feel kinda odd even posting again - intellectually I feel I'm not in danger, but the fear of somehow going back there is very real.
Weird.
Just wanted to put it out there I guess - see who salutes?
looking forward to anyone who wants to throw their 2 cents in...even the answers I won't like LOL
thanks again!
D
excuse the Winnie the Pooh ref, but I feel like I've been dragged down stairs today emotionally LOL
so...the saga continues -
I spoke with my partner - we pretty much figured out that I was probably trying to be all things - the perfect man (how unusual for me)....
at the same time, wanting this but facing my very real physical limitations was sending me into a panic and a place where I wanted to escape - and naturally my thoughts turned subconsciously and impulsively back to a known 'solution'...
That's all very well - and working that out, and the fact I feel better physically, has made the latter part of this week more 'normal'.
so.....why am I still thinking of drinking?
Not obsessively - but more than I have in the past year.
Not agonisingly either - I haven;t bought booze, I haven't loitered outside the wine shop paciing and mumbling to myself....the thoughts are easy to dismiss - I'm finally the man I always wanted to be, I'm productive again, I'm happy, I have a woman (better than I ever dreamed of) with me...
for the first time in adulthood, I love my life...and myself.
I'm not gonna give any of that up, and I know that I do the minute I take that first sip....
but most days this week, the idea's been in my head - 'just one bottle', 'just one night' - so....what gives?
I feel kinda odd even posting again - intellectually I feel I'm not in danger, but the fear of somehow going back there is very real.
Weird.
Just wanted to put it out there I guess - see who salutes?
looking forward to anyone who wants to throw their 2 cents in...even the answers I won't like LOL
thanks again!
D
hahahah, see who salutes. you slay me man. i dunno what to tell you, frigg i just met you in the other thread like 7 minues ago, lol. i know your a hero to many folk here and that's gotta be a sweeeeeet spot. yup. and as sure as the sun comes up each morning, heroes always slay the dragons. its just the way it works i guess. gotta like that.
some dragons are bigger than others of course, so things can get hot near the long sharp tooth of the beast, but even the hellish days end soon enough same as the easy ones do; with a new sun rising in the morning.
sometimes i wanna get me some booze. maybe a hit of some choice drug. then close my heart and fade to black. i don't always know why it comes up inside me like a sickness that i can't shake off no how. days like that i play my cards close to my heart, and i tend to bluff more so as to jack up my courage against my fears.
i know its fears i struggle with when those moments freak me. i also know those moments will always pass. only picking up hurts me. only picking up hurts me. eveything else is gravy even the stuff i've never learned to friggin like about myself is all good when those moments call my monsters out to play a little action.
you got laughter, Dee. i can hear it loud and clear. listening to it is a comfort that comes and sits with me a bit and i know i'm not alone after its gone. pretty decent that. hahahaha
why do we wanna get drunk sometimes. i dunno, and frankly i don't always care why i wanna. it passes. i do care that i didn't of course. and that passes too. the yin yang thing i guess. lol
Robby
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