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Now what?

Old 06-06-2008, 05:49 AM
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Now what?

I find myself on day 25, and I'm happy with that. I've started some changes and I have to9 keep practicing these new behaviors in order to get used to a new way of living. If I don't practice new living, then I will not have new life. I need to keep an open mind during each present moment today. I need to be ready to feel uncomfortable feelings if they materialize. I need to speak the truth as I walk through the shop. I need to notice when I am being sarcastic, because I need to let go of that. sarcasm is not my truth. it is a way for me to avoid my feelings and thoughts in the present moment. it is a way for me to stay in the comfortable world that I am used to.

but I need to get away from "comfort". I need to stretch. Perhaps if I stay comfortable for too long then I will be more open to turning back to the comfort of using again. I don't want that to happen. so I must persevere and excercise new behaviors.

sometimes, my mind associates something in the present moment with a using memory and tries to bring me back to the old ways. for example the first nice weather of the summer. hot weather. it was here last night. and while driving the "memory" was just laying there in my mind. then my thoughts processed it, and then my thoughts wanted to go back. then I had the thought "How come I can't automatically go back in my memory of a beautiful hot day in my past that is filled with magic and wonder and love and hope and dreams". then it occured to me that this is possible. I have to practice this new way. whenever an INSTANT memory from my using days comes up as a result of something happening now, and it brings me the thought of wanting to recreate that using memory....I will be mindful of creating a change in my default memory. change from the glamorized using memory TO the healthy spirit of christmas-like memory. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but me. It may need re-writing to make it clear.

anyway it's friday morning. I am taking charge of my day. I am CREATING my treatment center. I need to be in treatment for a while, and I am the creator of my treatment today. I can create a recovery that will work for me and that will allow me to become my own "light".

I have been going up and down a lot in these 25 days. already this morning I've been experiencing bits of the whole spectrum of feelings. I'm learning how to ride this roller coaster, i'm learning to go with the flow, i'm learning that my uncomfortable feelings are just as important and beautiful as my comfortable feelings. perhaps they are even more important because it seems that I only learn and change when I experience pain.

if you've read this far, thanks for being with me. I am so needy at times and it feels so good to be heard. to be loved. to be paid attention to. If i'm going around feeling sorry for myself or isolating then the opportunity to be loved and heard doesn't come. I am trudging, I am forcing, I am persevering, I am walking up hills and down hills and up steps and down steps. And I merely have to keep doing this. I can let go of all my dreams, of all my hopes, and just keep walking and keep living in the present moment, and keep being the most loving/kind person that I can be, and let go of comparing and judging with spite as much as I possibly can--and when I do get resentful, then i must notice it, and gently move myself back into the light, and do the next right thing in the next present moment.

My new life can be found. I can truly break this curse or this habit, or this way of life that i've turned to for so many years. I will have to put every single ounce of action and striving and walking into my creation of a new and different and wonderful life that was intended for me. whatever that life is. perhaps it will be within the environment of the external things that surround me right now, then again perhaps it will be in a war zone of natural disaster, or perhaps it will be in my own "heaven on earth". no matter what that is I need to prepare, and practice, and live every part of my stretch in this present moment with all that I am and all that I got. then I can be more confident and comfortable with the spontaneous outcome that occurs simultaneously with each spontaneous creation of my life in this moment.

one of my goals in my self-created recovery center is to write more. 5 minutes a day has been about my average. I want to try to get that up to 30 minutes a day to start.

another goal is for me to meditate regularly. I want to create my own silent meditation, with eyes clothes in a sitting position, in the morning and evening for 10 minutes to start.

another goal is for me to consciously excercise. I want to try to get 15 minutes of "just excercising" in each day.

that is enough goals to get me started. if i can meet those for one week in a row then perhaps I can keep going. perhaps it can be a part of my new way of life. my clean and sober and loving, inclusive, forgiving new way of life.

I've completed my writing goal. Now, i'm gonna sit in silence and focus on only my breath, and then I'm gonna go for a walk. and I will already have complete my "goals" for today. anything else will be gravy.

I want all of today to feel as good as I feel right now. I never want to have the pain come up. but it will and I will keep an open mind to receiving that pain with grattitude because it brings me closer to the light, closer to the connected fabric that holds us together, and because it helps me move away from isolation and self absorbed living and resentfullness. I believe I can do this, that I can recover, that I can uncover my genuine self. I believe that everyone can do this, and that so can I.
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Old 06-06-2008, 06:40 AM
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Lol. I know exactly what you mean, which either means we are both crazy or everyone else is insane. And I'm trying to break days up into individuals games, I find my mental world is very mental, I go between feeling pretty ok to utter hell. I spend loads of time thinking about me which is bizzare if you consider I am a tiny dot on a world. The key is balnce I think, and relaxation is a great idea I think....meditation is a bit too far, maybe in the future, but relaxing your body does break all of your thinking habits. But bizzarely, relaxation is work I find - you have to make your body as still as possible, and the first ten minutes can be painful.....but it's scientific fact the longer you can keep still, keep your heart rate down the better.
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Old 06-06-2008, 07:55 AM
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I did the writing and a meditation, but am fighting the excercise. my obstical is laziness and simply the "I-dont-cares". I've been fighting this excercise thing for a long time. I know that it can be an important part of recovery, but I don't care. I want to recover without excercise. I want to be lazy.

and now I've got the excuse that it's lunchtime. after that I'll have the excuse that I'm tired. then work will be over. then I'll have to drive so can't excercise. then I'll get hiome but there will be no time for excercise because I have plans soon after that. then I'll have my daughter for the night and tomorrow. then tomorrow I have more activity. and this activity and business makesj it OK to NOT excercise. but I need to excercise. If i want to stay clean I needj to excercise. I need to stretch.

I'll try to be mindful of this and I will try to create 15 minutes of walking.
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Old 06-06-2008, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by ksplash5 View Post
I've been fighting this excercise thing for a long time.

I hear you and I've been there. However you will find that if you try it for 2-3 days in a row you'll be amazed how quickly your body gets used to it and how much it can purge the bad stuff from your head.

I started with a super cheesy areobics home workout tape from the 80's. Throw on some sneakers and pop in the tape. It also provided some great comic relife (hairstyles and outfits)
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Old 06-06-2008, 08:47 AM
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Congrats on the 25 days, you have many of the things I have found in AA in place. Not sure if you are working a program or not, I can only speak for me, but my self will failed me time and time again when it come to staying stopped drinking even though that same self will brought me a great deal of success in all other areas of my life.

Keep doing what you are doing, sounds like it is working for you.
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