Daughter of an alcoholic
SCyankee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 7
Daughter of an alcoholic
Hello. I'm not sure I'm where I need to be. Maybe someone can point me in the right direction.
My father became an alcoholic a couple of years ago. I saw it coming, but he did not respond to my warnings. Now he's drinking about a gallon of whiskey every day and a half or so. And he smokes and has emphysema. He's not even 60 years old. He's dropped about 60 pounds in the past year. It will take a miracle to keep him alive more than a few more months.
Last year, he went back to drinking after he failed to go to follow-up outpatient care after a 10-day stint in an inpatient rehab facility (for detox), so I stepped out of the picture. I told him that I would never give up on him, but that I had to stay away for self-preservation. I told him I'm just a phone call away--I'm not going anywhere--just call me if you need me. He rarely called, but I called once in a while to check in with him and remind him I'm here when he's ready to get serious. I wasn't disillusioned, thinking that my withdrawal from him would shock him into getting straight. Heck, people lose absolutely everything and everyone they love and still abuse. But I couldn't sit and watch the trainwreck, and I couldn't pretend everything was normal or OK.
Well, now he's quit his job, lost all that weight, he does not eat, he goes weeks without a shower and does not leave his apartment except to walk to buy booze and cigarettes. I now understand how people become homeless. I'm not sure, but I don't think he's capable of quitting the booze--it's beyond self-help. I think he has to go back into a facility. I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses--trust me, I'm not that nice. I'm just trying to be practical. It's one thing to walk away from someone who refuses to stop drinking. It's another to watch someone die, especially when I don't think they can make the changes alone. I've heard that, at this point, it isn't the alcoholic's choice to drink--it's something that's taken control of them and has become a habit, like breathing. I don't know, but it sure makes sense. If that's the case, then he needs help. I can't just let him sit there and die. But I also can't emotionally handle getting sucked in.
I went to an Al-anon meeting the other night, and I'll tell you, I just don't relate. What am I supposed to recover from? I'm not the drinker. I did nothing to put my father in this position, and nothing I do will get him out. The most I can do is be there to help him coordinate some resources or be a listening ear and keep him in my prayers. All night at that meeting, they talked about bad habits and letting go. My bad habits have nothng to do with my dad's behavior, and what am I supposed to let go of? Also, I don't like the stuff about being non-denominational and then they say the Lord's Prayer. I'm Christian--I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses--but I do not recite prayers. We're instructed in the Bible to pray from the heart each and every time. I don't know--that meeting was just a bunch of psycho-babble to me, and it just didn't seem to fit my needs. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I really just need some practical advice. He wants to go back into the facility he used last summer, and it can be arranged. But I worry about afterward--when he goes back to that same apartment. Breaking any addiction (or even a bad habit) involves a measure of changing your habits. When you go back to your old life, a lot has to change to help you break the cycle. Would it be better to move him elsewhere? Maybe into my household or that of my sister? He says a big part of his depression is that he is alone. I don't know. Is there some sort of alternative living arrangement that would help?
I just don't think that 12-step stuff interests me. I already have a good relationship with Jehovah God. I pray and I leave my problems in his hands (I didn't always do this). But, just as if you were praying for a new job--you can't just pray and sit there in your livingroom--you have to go out and try to find a new job. I pray for wisdom in dealing with my dad and for strength to handle whatever path my dad chooses--strength to handle watching him slowly kill himself, or strength to help him if I can. But I also want to be out there learning about the addiction and how to remain sane throughout it all.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'm not really even sure I've expressed myself well. But I'm sure someone out there can offer a little advice here or there. Thanks for listening.
My father became an alcoholic a couple of years ago. I saw it coming, but he did not respond to my warnings. Now he's drinking about a gallon of whiskey every day and a half or so. And he smokes and has emphysema. He's not even 60 years old. He's dropped about 60 pounds in the past year. It will take a miracle to keep him alive more than a few more months.
Last year, he went back to drinking after he failed to go to follow-up outpatient care after a 10-day stint in an inpatient rehab facility (for detox), so I stepped out of the picture. I told him that I would never give up on him, but that I had to stay away for self-preservation. I told him I'm just a phone call away--I'm not going anywhere--just call me if you need me. He rarely called, but I called once in a while to check in with him and remind him I'm here when he's ready to get serious. I wasn't disillusioned, thinking that my withdrawal from him would shock him into getting straight. Heck, people lose absolutely everything and everyone they love and still abuse. But I couldn't sit and watch the trainwreck, and I couldn't pretend everything was normal or OK.
Well, now he's quit his job, lost all that weight, he does not eat, he goes weeks without a shower and does not leave his apartment except to walk to buy booze and cigarettes. I now understand how people become homeless. I'm not sure, but I don't think he's capable of quitting the booze--it's beyond self-help. I think he has to go back into a facility. I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses--trust me, I'm not that nice. I'm just trying to be practical. It's one thing to walk away from someone who refuses to stop drinking. It's another to watch someone die, especially when I don't think they can make the changes alone. I've heard that, at this point, it isn't the alcoholic's choice to drink--it's something that's taken control of them and has become a habit, like breathing. I don't know, but it sure makes sense. If that's the case, then he needs help. I can't just let him sit there and die. But I also can't emotionally handle getting sucked in.
I went to an Al-anon meeting the other night, and I'll tell you, I just don't relate. What am I supposed to recover from? I'm not the drinker. I did nothing to put my father in this position, and nothing I do will get him out. The most I can do is be there to help him coordinate some resources or be a listening ear and keep him in my prayers. All night at that meeting, they talked about bad habits and letting go. My bad habits have nothng to do with my dad's behavior, and what am I supposed to let go of? Also, I don't like the stuff about being non-denominational and then they say the Lord's Prayer. I'm Christian--I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses--but I do not recite prayers. We're instructed in the Bible to pray from the heart each and every time. I don't know--that meeting was just a bunch of psycho-babble to me, and it just didn't seem to fit my needs. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I really just need some practical advice. He wants to go back into the facility he used last summer, and it can be arranged. But I worry about afterward--when he goes back to that same apartment. Breaking any addiction (or even a bad habit) involves a measure of changing your habits. When you go back to your old life, a lot has to change to help you break the cycle. Would it be better to move him elsewhere? Maybe into my household or that of my sister? He says a big part of his depression is that he is alone. I don't know. Is there some sort of alternative living arrangement that would help?
I just don't think that 12-step stuff interests me. I already have a good relationship with Jehovah God. I pray and I leave my problems in his hands (I didn't always do this). But, just as if you were praying for a new job--you can't just pray and sit there in your livingroom--you have to go out and try to find a new job. I pray for wisdom in dealing with my dad and for strength to handle whatever path my dad chooses--strength to handle watching him slowly kill himself, or strength to help him if I can. But I also want to be out there learning about the addiction and how to remain sane throughout it all.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'm not really even sure I've expressed myself well. But I'm sure someone out there can offer a little advice here or there. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I am alchoholic, but also have a brother who is alchoholic.
All I know is that i'm glad someone took me to treatment when they did. And that they encouraged me to go for the year prior to my going.
I could be wrong, but it sure sounds to me like you care, but aren't letting it controll your life.
My family was afraid that I would die as well. They could didn't come rescue me and they didn't clean up my mess, but they did let me know that they would take me to treatment and would provide some (not to much) help to get things in order after I got sober.
I'm sure you will get better advise, and I think you probably need to check out the friends and family section.
My thoughts are with you.
All I know is that i'm glad someone took me to treatment when they did. And that they encouraged me to go for the year prior to my going.
I could be wrong, but it sure sounds to me like you care, but aren't letting it controll your life.
My family was afraid that I would die as well. They could didn't come rescue me and they didn't clean up my mess, but they did let me know that they would take me to treatment and would provide some (not to much) help to get things in order after I got sober.
I'm sure you will get better advise, and I think you probably need to check out the friends and family section.
My thoughts are with you.
getting there
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,314
Hi SCYankee,
I haven't posted in the F&F forum but I've read there a lot. My mom (severe alcoholic) has been in a situation similar to what you describe numerous times. I really relate to your story - she also smokes and now has COPD, had lost her house, then an apartment, at one point. She had seven years sober before she had multiple relapses a couple of years ago. She is now 16 months sober, to everyone's total amazement. She was really, really bad off and I truly thought she would die. So I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted you to know that there is hope out there for your dad. Just keep praying, do what you can for him, and take care of yourself.
I haven't posted in the F&F forum but I've read there a lot. My mom (severe alcoholic) has been in a situation similar to what you describe numerous times. I really relate to your story - she also smokes and now has COPD, had lost her house, then an apartment, at one point. She had seven years sober before she had multiple relapses a couple of years ago. She is now 16 months sober, to everyone's total amazement. She was really, really bad off and I truly thought she would die. So I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted you to know that there is hope out there for your dad. Just keep praying, do what you can for him, and take care of yourself.
SCyankee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 7
Thanks to everyone. I will copy and paste my original post into the F&F forum.
Thanks colagirl for sharing your experience. Yeah, dad lost his house and his job. He'd probably lose his apartment too but he's subleasing from my baby sister. She'll probably never kick him out. Where would he go? I hope we never get to that point. Thank you again.
Thanks colagirl for sharing your experience. Yeah, dad lost his house and his job. He'd probably lose his apartment too but he's subleasing from my baby sister. She'll probably never kick him out. Where would he go? I hope we never get to that point. Thank you again.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I think you did a wonderful job in expressing yourself.
If your Dad wants to go back to the same treatment place he was at, by all means do what has to be done.
I agree that you're Dad doesn't need to go back to the save enviroment he's been living in. I'm sure your Dad is lonley, alcoholism is a very lonley disease. When I was drinking/using, I could be in a room full of people and still felt alone. I think it's your decision if you want your Dad to come and stay with you after her gets out of treatment. You seem to be able to detach yourself from his disease very well. Most treatment facilities have family groups and individual family therapy so I would take full advantage of that. I'm sure they could help you with setting boundaries as well as requirements for him if you choose to let him stay with you.
I will Pray for your Dad to make it into treatment and be successful in his Recovery. You mentioned that it would take a miracle for him to live through the next few months. Miracles happen everyday in Recovery . . . . I'm living proof of that. As long as I continue to work my Program of Recovery, I will have 3 years next month living my life happy, joyous and free!
God Bless and Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I am the alcoholic in my family, a dubious distinction, I"m sure. I can only pray with you that your dad is admitted to long tern treatment and can finally stop drinking. I've been to detox three times this year. Up til last weekend I had 18 days sober. Now I've relapsed and am trying desperately to stop drinking again.
I understand your hopeless feelings. It is the responsibility of the alcoholic to stop drinking. No one else can force them to stop. I will pray that your dad and myself can stop drinking.
I understand your hopeless feelings. It is the responsibility of the alcoholic to stop drinking. No one else can force them to stop. I will pray that your dad and myself can stop drinking.
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