SoBearish

Shame - Such a little word with such a huge impact. It is probably the most expressed emotion echoed across the boards on this site. And the interesting fact is 99.99% of the time it is self inflicted.

“I fell off the wagon I’m so ashamed” – “I’m such a mess I’m so ashamed”

But what is even more interesting, perhaps even incredible, is the fact that we shame ourselves for our actions but we don’t shame others when they act the same way.

For example: I’ve seen many a post where someone is flogging themselves mercilessly with shame for slipping in their quest for sobriety. Yet they will reach out from the depth of their despair to encourage another who has also recently slipped.

This raises an essential question. How are we so able to forgive and encourage others but not ourselves?

Now don’t get me wrong it is wonderful that we are able to do this; and in many ways helping others does help ourselves. But how about directing some of that forgiveness and encouragement inwards?

I recently picked up again for the umpteenth time. The next morning the shame came flooding in and guess what… I drank again that night. However this time when I awoke I didn’t allow the shame in. I resigned myself to what had happened, and pledged to move forward with the knowledge that I could remain sober that day… and I did.

Will I pick up again? I honestly don’t know, hopefully not. But if I do, I will not begin my “day 1” again with shame - I will begin it with determination

fallingdown

Great post...it seems to me that emotions such as shame, fear, and guilt can actually be counterproductive when trying to achieve sobriety. It's like the alcoholism feeds off of those feelings.

Ananda

I heard a great one yesterday....

I made a mistake...not I am a mistake.

It made me ball. I so easily slip into that the mistake is defining who I am. I have to take responsibility for my actions but I am not the action. That's not exactly right...not sure how to say it right....but if I see the mistake as core to who i am and unchangeable i loose hope. I've been wavering on that edge alot lately and fallen into it a few times.

I pray each day that I may be more compassionate toward myself and others.

Thanks for this post.

supernothing

sobearish i cannot tell you how much that post hit home to me, thank you so much, we are all pretty hard on ourselves but so encouraging to others, for me i think my alcoholism is a symptom of my low self esteem and lack of self belief- therefore when i slip it is just natural behaviour for me to beat myself up about it and feel even more worthless, and so the cycle continues
I hope one day i will break the cycle for good.:praying

least

Boy you got that right! Shame is my first emotion and the most powerful one it seems. I have such a hard time forgiving myself but forgive others so easily and freely.

I don't know why this is, but I will try to keep shame from getting to me so badly.

ROFL

Awesome post! I'm reading Tao of Sobriety, which I highly recommend. It echos what you say here. The first exercise in the book:

Recall whether you ever woke up one morning feeling truly happy and at peace with the world, and then decided something like "Today is a perfect day to mess up my life with drugs or alcohol!" Now that you have taken time to think about it seriously, did you ever truly make that kind of decision? If you did, perhaps you are guilty after all. Otherwise, it seem to us that you are innocent of willfully and purposely screwing things up.

353

Great thread!

The reason I'm able to forgive alcoholics that continue to relapse is because I'm an alcoholic. Being one, I have an understanding of how hard it is to let it go and as character defects go my alcoholism is in the forefront, my main focus.

Forgiveness doesn't even seem to be the proper word to describe my reaction. When I see someone struggling, my acceptance is so whole, complete and instantaneous that it's as if there is nothing to forgive. Which in fact is the truth.

It will be a blessing when I can forgive people for other things. When someone uses angry harsh words towards me and rather than become emotionally distraught I can remember that I too have behaved the same way numerous times. Can I find it in my heart, because I've been there, to forgive? I can make progress in that direction!

Forgive me my trespasses...AS I...forgive those who trespass

God's Peace SoBearish and thanks again for the fabulous post

Anna

I think that the hardest thing I have had to do, in all of my recovery, is to learn to forgive myself. It took a very long time and a lot of work. I think it's easier to forgive others. I have always had compassion for other people, but never for myself.

tommyk

Shame is a simple word with soooooo much meaning.

Someone put it into proper context for me one day after I exhibited some very inappropriate behavior the night before.

I began with... "Oh man, I'm SO ashamed...."

The person replied with... "You are ashamed? No need for shame, no one really truly expected anything else but that kind of behavior out of you. Don't bother with the self-pity shame speech. Someday when you understand what shame really is you will prove it by not constantly repeating your shameful behavior."

That was a long time ago and to this day I still want to punch his lights out (because he was right).

Dean62

I love your attitude SoBearish. You are setting a good example for the rest of us to follow.

Thank you.