four812

hi recovering people

I had some tough moments today, and some ok moments. I made it home clean and the day is over and this complets my 21st day clean. I made a phone call for some support and that helped, and afterwards I had to feel the uncomfortable feelings in my mind and body. It was very difficult. i wanted to run and avoid the pain. I wanted to throw in the towel and say my life is a waste so i'm going to go do what I know how to do even though it doesn't feel good and I become very paranoid and set on getting more and more.

but I stuck with it. right now I'm having some difficult feelings. My girlfriend was tough on me today. Or I am just too sensitive. Or i am too insensitive to her own burdens. probably a combination of things. I have to keep breathing through this pain. I have to know that I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are simply a part of me just like a body part is a part of me. I am not my ARM, my arm is a part of me....as are my thoughts.

but i get so wrapped up in these thoughts. and I become totally consumed with ME ME ME and often unaware of this. and when I become aware I have no idea or ability to move out of this anxiety very well. but I am trying. I am practicing because I am feeling these painful feelings, whatever they are. I can put some words on them, but I don't even want to do that right now, It is simply pain.

It is part of life as I've seen it. so I got to just let this part be. I got to let it be if I want to get clean; if I want to change.

and I do want to change. It's not that I want to stand on this medal on my forhead that says "I GOT 21 DAYS CLEAN", but rather something different has occured this time and I want to keep trying, and trying harder, and to keep making it through another day. and within this day and the next, I have to try lmy best to live in the present moment, whatever it is.

when the present moment is pain, I want to throw it out. that is a problem for me. because it can't be thrown out. it's like having a stomach ache. if I have a stomache ache and feel pain, I can't just go and throw out my stomach. the same is with my pain. it's in me. it exists. I can't deny it. so right now I am focusing on simply breathing in, breathing in the pain, and just letting it sit within me, and just being conscious of it, and knowing that this pain will not kill me....but running away from the pain is death, a living death.

I'm tired of living dead. I tired of accepting medioricity. of accepting addiction. not that I want to aspire to being "perfect", and being obsesses with getting everything right and being better than others; but rather I want to just be what I am, what everyone is, which is some kind of light and love and some unspeakable sense that I don't know where I came from or what I am or where I may turn after I die.

I made it today. i did good. it was good of me to stay clean. a few moments it seemed like that was the very best I could do today--simply to stay clean. but now as I look back, i even did a little more that just stay clean. I brought a little bit of connection to a few others around me during the day, a few moments of service, a few moments of thinking about others. and for that and my sadness and my OK-ness I am grateful right now.

I hope I can sleep tonight, I hope I can be with the pain that is at the front of my breath right now, and settle into it comfortably, and go to sleep accepting it within me. accepting and loving all of me. the stuff that hurts as well as the stuff that feels good.

barb dwyer

in my opinion - that's one of the most powerful tools we aquire.
to be able to remember that ... is an aquired talent, but one that will bring far more healing than harm.

you're doing fine - we all 'wake up' bit by bit early on.

just stay where your hands are, and you'll have twenty two days asap.

CarolD

Way To Go on your progress....