My husband came to a meeting with me....
 

Hi Everyone-

Last night my husband came to a birthday meeting with me. I was at first excited that he wanted to go and see better for himself what I have been doing with my time for the past month. But I left the meeting very disturbed and actually upset by the time that we went to bed.

A little background on my husband. He is not an alcoholic. He is an engineer and by nature a very analytical person. He has been very supportative of me over the years and has really stuck by me thru some crappy situations. And he has been very supportative of me going to AA and admitting I am an alcoholic. I think it hurt him that I lied to him about my drinking for so long, but he seems willing to get past it.

The meeting last night was a birthday meeting and people with various lengths of sobriety during the month were recognized and spoke a little bit. What has me so bothered is that my husband judged so many of the people in there. I just really feel like he was being a selfish and egotistical person and quite frankly it made me sick. For example, a 23 year old lady got an 8 year chip and he just couldn't let it go that there was no way that she could have known she was an alcoholic at 15. I personally disagree and shared that with him. And I also shared with him my thoughts on him being too judgmental.

I mean he doesn't know what anybody has been thru. Who is he to judge? I guess I just don't know what to do with these feelings. Should I just digest them and get over it? I shared with him my thoughts last night and I think any further discussing on the issue would only lead to a fight.

I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this. I am just so disappointed in the experience and quite frankly a little in him.

Well...
to me it just re enforces the idea that only another alcoholic
can understand our disease and our recovery.

His lack of empathy is no reflection on his support of you.
And thats the bottom line....IMO

:hug: ...Blessings to both of you

Yes, agreed, he is supporting you and that's really good.

Personally, I am grateful that this disease has helped me to become a non-judgemental person. I would not be the same person I am today, had I not gone through the hell I have gone through.

Wow. I can see how you can be disappointed.
However, I think that we all understand each OTHER better than OTHERS understand US.

That's why we are all here at SR, supporting each other, and why programs like AA work so well.

It's not his fault that he doesn't "get it". He simply can't, IMHO.

I say, forget about it, and forgive him. He simply doesn't know.

And, think twice, or have a long conversation before having him go with you again. After you've cooled down, you may be able to discuss it and help him to understand.

Just my two cents.

Honu

Yeah, If he's a good guy and supports you, that's what matters. It's hard to find one like that, so don't let him get away, if he's as nice as you say he is. Don't worry about him not understanding us. We don't even fully understand our own selves and disease!!!
kj

Thanks everyone!

I really appreciate your responses. I also think that since I have been in the program I am changing. Maybe his responses would not have had the same affect on me a month ago. I don't know. I just really felt he was being very shallow and self-centered. And that isn't the husband I know.

But you are right. He doesn't understand the disease. (He thinks he does, but he really doesn't.) I am going to ask our therapist about it this week during my individual session.

I agree with everyone about your husband, he doesn't understand and that's ok he doesn't have to. After having similar experience with my wife I decided to keep the two separate. There are things I do for my recovery to stay sober and fighting with my wife isn't one of them. As much as I would like her to understand the things I am learning because I think they would benefit anyone it simply is not necessary. If our spouses have an opinion on people they have listened to in a meeting that's their deal based on their understanding. It is not our place to control them or their opinion.

You could look at it like he's taking someone else's inventory and that is upsetting, inturn that is causing you to take 'his' inventory... Upsetting you even more.

You could first seek to understand him, and then be understood. Then let it go, and continue to work on yourself first and foremost, and let him be with himself.
That is what I strive to do when other people **** me off, lol, easier said than done,
but it is what I try and do. The only person we have control over is ourselves, the only thing we can do with other people is try and understand where they are coming from.

JMO

I understand your frustrations though. :ghug3

Thanks, Dean. That is really how I feel right now. I feel like the whole experience was ruined for me. I left the meeting full of anxiety and that is the last thing I need. I guess I need to stop judging him and move on.

It wasn't like he was trying to be mean spirited. He is just a straight shooter kind of guy and has always said it like it is for him. No sugar coating....

Okay.... I am determined to get out of this funk over this.... I hope....

:wtf2

:)
Why not pray for your peace of mind
and then make his favorite dessert?

Relax and allow your recovery to flow
:hug:

I agree with what has been said: that he doesn't have the understanding of alcoholism that another alcoholic has. But forgive him, forgive yourself, and go to meetings by yourself for the time being.

This too shall pass... remember that. It applies to feelings as well as situations.

:ghug3

Dsoda,

"Judge not lest ye be judged." also I think there something about pointing out the spec of dust in your brother's eye while failing to see the 2x4 in yours.

I think you were right in sticking up for your fellow AAs. I wouldn't return the favor by "judging" him too harshly. He did go ya know..

John

I am married to a "normie" too. When I first got sober I would let him go to meetings with me. I don't anymore. Well, I will let him come when I get my chip, that's about it. He does not have an alcohol or drug problem so there really isn't any reason he needs to be there. If he wants to he can go to Alanon. That's what it's for.

He can be judgemental. I cannot. That kind of thinking will KILL me.

Try to let it go. They really don't get it.

Try to find some gratitude that he is supporting your recovery!

Hi Dsoda.

I think it was very brave of you to bring your husband; and I'm sure you had expectations like "he's finally going to understand exactly what I'm going through" and unfortunately the opposite happened.

However, have you thought about how he might have been feeling at the time? I'm sure he must have felt even a little bit uncomfortable, and people often have a knee jerk reaction to feeling uncomfortable in strange surroundings, either ridiculing or belittling something or someone that they don't understand.

From the way you describe him I would bet that if he had known this girl personally for the last 8 years and seen first hand what she had been through he would have reacted differently.