day 1 again :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
day 2 now, still feel rubbish- thanks for all the support, it didnt help last night that husband jumped on the news id slipped and repetedly asked me what i wanted from the off license :wtf2
then sat supping cider next to me, just focusing on today now and not picking up.:praying
then sat supping cider next to me, just focusing on today now and not picking up.:praying
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Last December was the first time I admitted out loud that I was an alcoholic and needed to stop drinking. I can't count the times I relapsed after that. Once even with 32 days sober. But I kept trying and now have 18 days sober. I think the difference this time is that I finally surrendered. I put my alcoholism into God's hands cause He has power I'll never have. Now I'm no longer 'fighting' alcohol. I surrendered to it and admitted truthfully and from my heart that I was indeed powerless over alcohol.
Just don't give up. Keep trying. And don't hate yourself, difficult as that may be. Forgive yourself and start over. This too shall pass.
You can do this!:ghug3
Just don't give up. Keep trying. And don't hate yourself, difficult as that may be. Forgive yourself and start over. This too shall pass.
You can do this!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
thanks for the post "least". great job staying clean
I'm hanging right in there with YOU.....(may 12th)
there are a few reasons I use to go back out
1. i get all worked up and full of anxiety and feel bad and physically it comes into my gut and i feel like i'm going to blow up and it feels like the only thing that will releive the pain is another hit....
I am now practicing to just let that feelin exist in my gut....It hurts but it can't kill me
2. I get bored. and I don't know what else to do with my self--my life. It's like I resign myself to wasting another night to using because I have nothing else going on in my life
3 lonliness....lonliness is one of the main things that brings me to the bad feeling in my mind and my gut
4. feeling good....when I get to feeling real good then I can want to celebrate, or simply feel better, or add some excitement. maybe it's because I have no confidence that it will last and so I want to add something to me to make it last longer. whatever the reason dont matter....when I am clean and feeling very good, then I need to be careful
I'm hanging right in there with YOU.....(may 12th)
there are a few reasons I use to go back out
1. i get all worked up and full of anxiety and feel bad and physically it comes into my gut and i feel like i'm going to blow up and it feels like the only thing that will releive the pain is another hit....
I am now practicing to just let that feelin exist in my gut....It hurts but it can't kill me
2. I get bored. and I don't know what else to do with my self--my life. It's like I resign myself to wasting another night to using because I have nothing else going on in my life
3 lonliness....lonliness is one of the main things that brings me to the bad feeling in my mind and my gut
4. feeling good....when I get to feeling real good then I can want to celebrate, or simply feel better, or add some excitement. maybe it's because I have no confidence that it will last and so I want to add something to me to make it last longer. whatever the reason dont matter....when I am clean and feeling very good, then I need to be careful
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: England, UK
Posts: 20
Supernothing totally understand you kicking yourself for your slip but at the end of the day your back here which is the most important thing to do. The problems really start when you think 'I've slipped so may as well carry on'. I've previously done that and I'm sure many others also have.
Stop kicking yourself, you've slipped and you made the decision to come back and post. Be proud of yourself.
Good luck!
Stop kicking yourself, you've slipped and you made the decision to come back and post. Be proud of yourself.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NYC - New York
Posts: 305
Hey Super - Sorry about your Mom. My Father in law was also recently diagnosed with Parkinsons but he seems to be dealing with it ok.
You know what? I didn't make it through the weekend either. I drank Fri and Sat night for no particular reason. I jumped back on the wagon Sunday, so I'm back on day 2 again.
I'll make a deal with you. You don't beat up on yourself and I'll not beat up on myself; we'll just try again. Sound good?
You know what? I didn't make it through the weekend either. I drank Fri and Sat night for no particular reason. I jumped back on the wagon Sunday, so I'm back on day 2 again.
I'll make a deal with you. You don't beat up on yourself and I'll not beat up on myself; we'll just try again. Sound good?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Super, I slipped too, after 18 days sober. Now I'm finding it hard to forgive myself and start over. I let the stress get to me and reached for my old 'cure'. Now I hate myself for my weakness and am praying to God for the strength I don't have on my own. I'm asking Him for peace of mind. I wll pray for you also!:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
steam- i think you are on shakey ground at this moment from reading your other thread- please pm me if you would like to talk- i was relapsing at the start of the week and it took me until friday to pick up- i had one glass of wine- just one, and went to bed- the unfinished bottle was still in the house and i ALMOST tipped it away- unfortunately i tipped it down myself by about 3 pm saturday and finished up hitting the town and having 2 beers.
This is what i hate about myself- i DO have the ability to have 1 glass of wine, and i have to say i had a really good time saturday night- no black out no problems, and no hangover sunday.
The trouble is for every one incident like the one i have described above- there are 100 others where it is one hell of a mess.
My major trigger in my life is my husband and his extremely unreasonable and erratic behaviour- he also drinks, im beginning to realise that he may well be one of the "toxic people" i need to eliminate from my life to get sober.
This is what i hate about myself- i DO have the ability to have 1 glass of wine, and i have to say i had a really good time saturday night- no black out no problems, and no hangover sunday.
The trouble is for every one incident like the one i have described above- there are 100 others where it is one hell of a mess.
My major trigger in my life is my husband and his extremely unreasonable and erratic behaviour- he also drinks, im beginning to realise that he may well be one of the "toxic people" i need to eliminate from my life to get sober.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Oh Super,
You are going to be okay. I know you are.
I'm sorry that's you've been suffering and that your mother is sick.
I respect what you just wrote to Steam. One of the reasons I don't pick up is actually because I am afraid I would be fine with that one relapse and then I'd convince myself that I could do it again. And it's a downward spiral from there. You probably know that they say in AA that it's not the last drink that gets you, it's the first. Even if you drink one and put it down, it gives you a kind of permission to drink more. It's the first drink that's the problem.
As I was reading your posts on this thread, I had the feeling that maybe your relapsing is a way of beating up on yourself? Is that possible? I know you go through a lot of emotions after the relapse - shame, sadness, self-loathing. But I wonder if in a way you weren't feeling those already and the relapse was in and of itself a way to express that?
That's just an idea, obviously, I'm not saying I know. I don't.
I'm feeling for you right now. I know you are having to do some hard thinking about your husband. I can't believe how strong you are in the face of his bull. It's hard to protect yourself from injury when you've got someone throwing broken glass all around where you walk.
With Care,
MLE
You are going to be okay. I know you are.
I'm sorry that's you've been suffering and that your mother is sick.
I respect what you just wrote to Steam. One of the reasons I don't pick up is actually because I am afraid I would be fine with that one relapse and then I'd convince myself that I could do it again. And it's a downward spiral from there. You probably know that they say in AA that it's not the last drink that gets you, it's the first. Even if you drink one and put it down, it gives you a kind of permission to drink more. It's the first drink that's the problem.
As I was reading your posts on this thread, I had the feeling that maybe your relapsing is a way of beating up on yourself? Is that possible? I know you go through a lot of emotions after the relapse - shame, sadness, self-loathing. But I wonder if in a way you weren't feeling those already and the relapse was in and of itself a way to express that?
That's just an idea, obviously, I'm not saying I know. I don't.
I'm feeling for you right now. I know you are having to do some hard thinking about your husband. I can't believe how strong you are in the face of his bull. It's hard to protect yourself from injury when you've got someone throwing broken glass all around where you walk.
With Care,
MLE
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
that post made me cry MLE, im still having such huge problems with him, i know you have had yourself a fair few too and managed not to pick up- i read what you say and you seem to be so much more "together" than i am.
All he seems to do is come home and open the drink and i just feel that staying here with him is just a slow death, ive never ever found another human being so utterly and completely unmanagable- wether im sober OR drinking, it makes no difference, it forces me to question why on earth i ended up here and those thoughts are what usually makes me drink.
I never knew emotional pain could cut so deep into your soul.:sorry
All he seems to do is come home and open the drink and i just feel that staying here with him is just a slow death, ive never ever found another human being so utterly and completely unmanagable- wether im sober OR drinking, it makes no difference, it forces me to question why on earth i ended up here and those thoughts are what usually makes me drink.
I never knew emotional pain could cut so deep into your soul.:sorry
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I'm not any more together than you are. After 12 weeks of outpatient treatment and then 4-5 weeks of continuation treatment (1 night a week for people who've completed the 12 weeks) AND going to 2 AA mtgs a week, yesterday was the very first meeting I went to where I didn't cry. I got teary but I didn't actually cry or get to the point where I had snot running down my face. People tell me it's ok to melt down at the meeting but I feel like a fool because I've done it EVERY SINGLE TIME! What a freak.
I feel very protective of you when it comes to your husband because I think he is intentionally making your life a living heck. I don't know him and maybe I don't have any right to say it but I can't help thinking it.
At the same time, I've been through 2 divorces - 1 where there were 2 children in the marriage. And they both were so, so, so difficult. So incredibly painful. But I know I made the right decision both times. I have a very amicable relationship with the father of my two oldest sons. It took time but it did eventually calm down. Of course, I had several stints in the locked ward during that divorce because I lost my tether on reality from the stress of it all. I'm not kidding.
Now, I love my husband but I sure as heck don't like him very much right now. We fight or argue every single day. He's not drinking around me anymore though and I'm really greatful for that. That's the part that I just think is unbelievable. That your husband is actively offering you alcohol. Do you have anyplace you and the kids could live for a little while just so you could get your bearings? Or could you see if maybe he had a buddy he could crash with for a few weeks to give you a breath of air?
I am so, so sorry that you are having a hard time. Please be gentle with yourself.
Love, MLE
I feel very protective of you when it comes to your husband because I think he is intentionally making your life a living heck. I don't know him and maybe I don't have any right to say it but I can't help thinking it.
At the same time, I've been through 2 divorces - 1 where there were 2 children in the marriage. And they both were so, so, so difficult. So incredibly painful. But I know I made the right decision both times. I have a very amicable relationship with the father of my two oldest sons. It took time but it did eventually calm down. Of course, I had several stints in the locked ward during that divorce because I lost my tether on reality from the stress of it all. I'm not kidding.
Now, I love my husband but I sure as heck don't like him very much right now. We fight or argue every single day. He's not drinking around me anymore though and I'm really greatful for that. That's the part that I just think is unbelievable. That your husband is actively offering you alcohol. Do you have anyplace you and the kids could live for a little while just so you could get your bearings? Or could you see if maybe he had a buddy he could crash with for a few weeks to give you a breath of air?
I am so, so sorry that you are having a hard time. Please be gentle with yourself.
Love, MLE
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
the reason i was so afraid of quitting drinking was that i would be able to see clear as day that i have made a big mistake, i can see it now, but i have no way of doing anything about it, my eldest son has autism and any sudden change would really cause him alot of distress so "upping and leaving" is not an option unless i have somewhere safe and stable to go- which i dont.
I will be ok, hes an emotional bully and will punish me indefinately by withdrawing from the entire family for aslong as he feels like it, for airing an opinion or disagreeing.
He began the latest sulk at the start of last week, which is probably why i only made it til friday without drinking anything.
Its extremely lonely when you have a partner who has managed to alienate your entire family AND most of your friends with his behaviour, i guess the bottle became my friend. someone who i could rely on to take away the pain.
I know what has to be done, i just have absolutely no idea how on earth i will do it and survive, :sorry
I will be ok, hes an emotional bully and will punish me indefinately by withdrawing from the entire family for aslong as he feels like it, for airing an opinion or disagreeing.
He began the latest sulk at the start of last week, which is probably why i only made it til friday without drinking anything.
Its extremely lonely when you have a partner who has managed to alienate your entire family AND most of your friends with his behaviour, i guess the bottle became my friend. someone who i could rely on to take away the pain.
I know what has to be done, i just have absolutely no idea how on earth i will do it and survive, :sorry
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
seriously, im only 29 years old, i cannot believe how much of a mess one person at such a young age can make of their lives - MLE i know you think my husband is a waste of space- i agree- but when he met me, i was a drunken party girl, i tried to keep up the pretense, i was terrified hed find out i was really an insecure nobody with no self esteem- he doesnt like me sober, im no fun apparently, i dont want to be a drunk but i dont want to be alone either.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Super,
Whatever you do and however you think about it, remember this. A relationship and a family are both like equations. When you change one little thing, the end result changes. You cannot make changes to yourself without there being reverberations throughout your family and your marriage. So even though right now it is hard to see where you are going and what exactly you should do, if you just keep taking small steps to support your inner life and your sobriety, you will slowly see into the future. I believe that.
Rilke said that we should imagine ourselves as houses where most of our life are spent in only one room. In expoloring other rooms, we enlarge ourselves and open possibilities in our lives.
And a good friend of mine here on this board wrote to me these words: You cannot subtract from your past. You can only add to your future. You can chose to add only those things which support, nuture and enrish your life. I have those words taped to my bedroom wall. Maybe they'll help you too.
I am standing beside you even though we are on opposite sides of an ocean.
Love, MLE
Whatever you do and however you think about it, remember this. A relationship and a family are both like equations. When you change one little thing, the end result changes. You cannot make changes to yourself without there being reverberations throughout your family and your marriage. So even though right now it is hard to see where you are going and what exactly you should do, if you just keep taking small steps to support your inner life and your sobriety, you will slowly see into the future. I believe that.
Rilke said that we should imagine ourselves as houses where most of our life are spent in only one room. In expoloring other rooms, we enlarge ourselves and open possibilities in our lives.
And a good friend of mine here on this board wrote to me these words: You cannot subtract from your past. You can only add to your future. You can chose to add only those things which support, nuture and enrish your life. I have those words taped to my bedroom wall. Maybe they'll help you too.
I am standing beside you even though we are on opposite sides of an ocean.
Love, MLE
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