colagirl

Since I do so much of my drinking alone, I don't really have "drinking buddies" to tell that I don't want to drink anymore. But I do have a few friends who I occasionally get together with for happy hour (which for me of course extends into more drinking when I get home), a couple of whom I consider very close friends. They may have wondered in passing if I have issues with alcohol but I'm pretty sure they would be surprised at the extent of it.

I am really, really having a hard time with the idea of telling anybody. Part of me wants to just not tell them and make excuses for not drinking, but that's obviously not going to work. I know that a lot of it, ok most of it, is that if I tell somebody then I have to be accountable for it, which I should be anyway... but I'm also worried that they'll start acting different around me, or not understand it and think it's a mental problem or weakness or something like that. Have you guys found it hard to tell people who weren't a part of your drinking? How have people reacted to it?

tellus

I did pretty much all of my drinking alone, so no drinking buddies to speak of here, either.

But in talking to friends and acquaintances, I've gotten two distinct reactions. The person either (1) doesn't know how to react, skates over the issue and doesn't bring it up, or (2) is really, really supportive. I haven't gotten a single negative reaction to the fact that I'm in recovery.

I think, most often, people will take their cue from you. If you act ashamed they'll think it's shameful. If you treat it casually, they won't think much of it. If it's clear you're proud of yourself, they'll make sure you know how proud they are. That's my experience, anyway.

Anna

I think early sobriety is a time for a lot of changes.

For me, I drank at home alone. I had told my family several times I was going to stop and never made it. So, when I did finally stop, I didn't tell anyone and it felt good to just do it. I actually couldn't be around alcohol early on, so I didn't make many excuses. I went to one party, felt angry, resentful, ashamed...I didn't drink that night, but did the next day. So I stayed away from situations with alcohol. And, that was a bonus for me because I learned how to say 'no''. No is a very empowering word and telling people I couldn't attend a function and feeling very comfortable with my decision, was part of the process of reclaiming me, the me who had gotten lost in the alcohol.

You can make excuses, but I don't really feel like an explanation is necessary. Shouldn't 'no thanks, I'll have a coke' be enough. No half-truths, no lies. If your friends know you're living a sober life, hopefully they will be supportive, but there are prejudices out there towards alcoholics, so sometimes it's hard. But things will work out the way they should as long as you stay focused on your recovery.

serenityqueen

My experience is that when I did tell people, most of them already knew. I'd hear things like . . "yeah, I kinda wondered. You did seem to drink faster than the rest of us . . . I noticed that when we would meet for Happy Hour, the next day you looked pretty rough. I wondered if you went somewhere else afterwards or what?"

You mentioned that you consider some of these people close friends. Perhaps you could pick two of them that you are the closest to and just let them know. If others who you aren't really close to ask, you can tell them the truth without lying or making up excuses. Your right, the excuses don't work forever. It's pretty easy to say things like,"Thanks for the invite, but I just don't feel like going out tonight." Eventually, people will stop asking. You don't have to make up excuses, just let them know you don't feel like going out. That's not a lie, not an excuse, it's an honest statement.

I eventually got to the point that I am proud of my Recovery. I really don't care who knows. But then, with me, I had used for most of my life and everyone pretty much knew there was a problem with drugs and alcohol so when I did share it, they were pretty happy for me.

Bottom line is, no one can judge me but God.

God Bless,
Judy

eccentricmuse

I'm a college student, so I thought this would be a problem. Upon further reflection, however, I realized I had many "sober" connections with people - maybe I drank with certain friends in the past, but our relationships were based on something more...good conversation, common interests (like art and philosophy, etc.) so I'm now realizing that I don't have to avoid them because alcohol is present...they actually just want to hang out with me! We actually have a pub on campus which is a popular hangout spot, and is really more of a place to meet up...in the past I'd get pretty buzzed there (I'd often drink before going to the pub), but now I realize that one of the friends I met up with had COFFEE, not beer with her, and the other was barely drinking anything! It was really me who thought I had to drink...also at all those art receptions where there was wine. I don't know if anyone else was really drunk. I think it would be ok if I went to these places and didn't drink...as long as I avoid the house parties where everyone is wasted. Also, what helps is keeping in mind that when other people are drinking, they probably don't even notice you're not drinking, haha.

Tazman53

I found that the truth has set me free, I like many others had it in my head that others will notice, in reality people who did not really know me could care less if I was drinking a coke or a beer, the only drink they were concerned with was thiers. People who did know me pretty well either did not notice or were proud of me for not drinking.

I learned that my friends were supporting of me.

As Anna said I would suggest if some one ask you if you want a drink, simply say "Yes I will have a coke please." If they ask why you are not having booze simply say "No thanks I decided to quit drinking". It is that simple.

Be honest with yourself, when you were drinking and you asked some one did they want a drink and they said "Yes I will have a coke please." did you really care what they were drinking?

Today I have no problem telling someone that I am an alcoholic if the situation warrants it. 99.999999% of the time it never comes up.

SoBearish

Hi Colagirl

There have been a lot of good responses already and I totally get what you’re feeling. I spend a lot of time fantasizing and worrying about having “the conversation” with family/friends.

In truth there doesn’t need to be any big revelation right now. I just say “I’m taking a break from the booze for awhile” or “No thanks I’m on a health kick”. Usually that’s the end of it. One of my friends has given me a hard time about not drinking/smoking with him but I stick to my guns and I’m re-evaluating that friendship.

Have you ever offered someone a drink and they just say no thanks? How did you feel about that?

Keep it up. Remember baby steps one day at a time.

Tazman53

Sounds like they may turn out to be a drinking buddy and not a friend.

Friends are hard to come by, those that are real friends will support you in anything that is good for you.

Drinking buddies are a dime a dozen! Want a dozen drinking buddies? Go to any bar in town and buy a round!!!!

SoBearish

Ha!!

DSodaNow

I am glad you brought this subject up. I have been going back in forth in my mind about who I am and am not going to tell. Only a few close people to me know now. I also drank alone for the most part. But there are those few close friends that I see once a month or so at happy hour to keep in touch. For now.... I think I am going to keep it to myself. I figure that I will know in my heart when it is time for me to tell someone.

Horselover

Hey Colagirl,

This is kind of funny. I just got back from grocery shopping and ran into one of my friends from a Mom's group I belong to. She knew I was feeling kind of depressed lately and so, I told her I was feeling great now when she asked me how I was. She seemed surprised and I told her I used to drink every day and since I cut it out I have felt much better physically and mentally. It turns out she let me know she's been doing the drinking every day too. You never know how God is going to use you, but I think she started thinking a little differently after seeing how much happier I am now that I'm not drinking. She too has depression issues. What do you know? We're not all that different.

I say go ahead and let people know. I'm actually proud of who I've become and I am finally out of the closet (used to be a closet drinker) and I'm not returning to that lonely, dark world again!

Good luck!

barb dwyer

My vote is always for the truth.

IT's easier to keep up with that way.

least

I was also a lone drinker at home. I've told a few friends and they were sympathetic and supportive, but then, I have few really close friends and they are very kind and loving. ANyone else, I just say "no thanks" and no one asks why. The truth is easier to keep up with but a simple no thanks will do in most situations.

hairgirl

The truth is some people will disappear once you tell them you are sober, but don't let that be a deterrent. When I first got clean, I pondered this also.I never thought I would lose friends over trying to get my life together, but if your buddies are a mess themselves, they are likely to run in the other direction, for fear of change.Some people like being a disaster, that is easier than trying to get better.I actually lost two close friends when I got clean, and they were both supposed to be in my wedding this July.It was hard to take, but I am OK with it.To hell with anyone who doesn't respect you enough to keep your relationship alive-sober or not.If they bail, you will move on and find more meaningful relationships elsewhere.
And, you don't have to tell why you are sober.Simply blame it on a new medication or that you are doing it for your health.I have told people that I was just taking a break to clear my head.That always worked best!

Horselover

"To hell with anyone who doesn't respect you enough to keep your relationship alive-sober or not.If they bail, you will move on and find more meaningful relationships elsewhere."

That says it all hairgirl! Great post.

colagirl

Thanks everyone for the great responses. I still haven't told anyone, but I will stick with just my close friends and I think I will know when it's the right time.

It's so true that other people who aren't obsessed with alcohol could probably care less about what I'm drinking. In fact, the reason for my slip up last weekend was that I had a friend over for dinner and we usually have a bottle of wine. I didn't buy any but offered to her that we could get some after we got food if she wanted any. She was totally non-committal but in my head we were definitely going to pick some up (even though I was allegedly planning not to drink it!). So we head out from the restaurant and she says, "we don't really have to stop to get wine if you don't want to, I'll be fine without", but naturally I was like "oh no, let's just pick some up, I don't mind at all!" I think she had about 2/3rds of a glass from the whole bottle.