DSodaNow

Hi All- I was wondering if I could get your thoughts on this topic. I have heard you are supposed to stay away from certain things is "early recovery".

I have been wanting to start a family with my husband for many years and he has been putting it off for this reason or that. This year he finally came around and decided he was ready. We planned a trip to Europe (in October) for our last big no kids trip and were going to start trying at the end of this year.

And now this... I am an alcoholic! I am really anxious to have kids (or maybe just kid). I don't want to put it off anymore and I feel like I am reaching an age where if I wait any longer I will regret it.

So... my questions: What time frame is considered early recovery? What things should we avoid during this time?

Thanks!
(I am projecting way too much right now, but I am a planner and I have to know these things!)

Anna

Hi,

I don't think there is a firm definition of what early recovery is. For me, I'd say it was the first few months, but, I still had a long way to go, after that.

Having kids is a really, really hard job. It takes so much energy and devotion. If your husband is not quite sure and you're, I think about thirty-some days sober, my suggestion would be to wait. When I began recovery, it took me awhile to get to know the real person and to figure out what I wanted in my life. Give yourself the time you need to focus on yourself and your recovery.

least

I think a good first move would be talking to your doctor about it all: the alcoholism, the desire to have child(ren), your overall health. I can't define early recovery but I do know it helps a pregnancy to be in top shape. I'd really suggest talking it over with your doctor and perhaps getting a physical exam when you're further on with sobriety. See what shape you're in now and then check again when you've been sober longer.

Having kids is hard, and the hardest part is after they're born. They get into everything! My four girls range from 32 to 16 and each of them was totally different from the others.

I suggest you start by having a serious talk with your doctor, maybe a physical too, and regular checkups until you're in good health. Then see what happens. But get yourself in good health first. Be good to yourself before you have someone else to care for.

:ghug3

DSodaNow

Thanks for your input! I actually just went to the doctor for my annual. I had put it off for over 6 months because I was terrified to see what was going on with my body. Fortunately, all looks good so far.

However, I am really afraid of bringing up the alcoholism with any medical professionals outside of my therapist. I am afraid of what it will do as far as insurance down the road. I had a really hard time getting individual insurance a few years back over some of the dumbest things. I can only imagine what this would do!

Isn't it sad that our medical system puts us in this position? My doctor is wonderful and I don't doubt that she would be very helpful.... but at this point. I just can't take the risk.

CarolD

When I have new AA sponsees ....
I ask they finish their formal Step work
to proceed into their future with direction.

Blessings to you and your husband

kj3880

It shouldn't affect your insurance at all. Alcoholism is now a recognized disease, and treatment for it, and the desvatating health affects of it are covered by all major insurance companies. I urge you to tell a medical doctor, that has been of immeasurable help to me, getting medical help. If you're not comfortable telling the family doc (I didn't tell the family doc because he is my parents' doc also), then get an addictionologist, a doctor who specializes in dealing with all the affects of alcoholism. Good luck, and wait a while on the baby, it's a lot of stress. Get yourself in tip-top mental and physical health first. It's a great thing to look forward to, and don't be afraid to dream about this wonderful future.
kj

Sugah

Carol's suggestion about finishing formal step work was exactly what my sponsor suggested to me. If you aren't using a 12 step program, in brief, the process helps you to get right spiritually, with yourself, and with others - so that you're not carrying garbage from the past into a new experience. In other words, it eliminates many of the "reasons" we drank (though most of us will say - we didn't really need a reason).

Motherhood is a huge commitment, and it will require more from you than anything else you've ever done in your life. Unless your husband is willing to go into this doing his full share, and I mean half of everything (so that you get regular breaks), it might be something you want to take some time preparing for. Even if this is something you've wanted for a long time, it's different taking time sober to think about it and plan for it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

mle-sober

Hi DSodaNow,

Congratulations on your new sobriety and continued recovery! Good job!

I respect your question about whether or not you should move forward with trying to have children being that you are in early sobriety and many will advise you to wait to make big changes until you've gotten a little more time under your belt. Obviously, you are trying your best to think things through and make wise choices. So, good job.

Pretty much everyone here has weighed in on the side of caution. I'm glad you saw your doctor, that's for sure. But I'm an experienced mother of 4 and I just want to give a different perspective.

I was 23 and unmarried and barely scrapping by when I got pregnant with my first son. It was an "accident." I had many family members tell me that I shouldn't have this baby and that I wasn't prepared for it. They said I was too poor and we weren't married and we didn't know how to take care of a baby. They said it would be too hard.

I'm here to tell you I thank God almost every day that I had that child. He's 15 now and the most wonderful, inquisitive, thankful, funny, responsible guy.

My second child was also an accident. My husband and I were having a hard time and he told me he'd gotten a vasectomy when he hadn't. We got divorced. But I had that baby too. And thank God. He is the sunshine in my life. He is 11 now and so unique - he is filled with compassion for others, is an expert snowboarder and fencer, emotionally very intelligent and loving and sweet.

After my divorce, I was dating a man who really wasn't made for me. He was 7 years my junior. He was an engineer. I am an artist. Also, I was having serious problems with Bipolar Disorder. I was trying different drugs to see what worked. Nothing really seemed to work right. I spent some time in the hospital. And then, bammm, I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. We'd been using birth control. I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. It just seemed like too much. My boyfriend convinved me not to. ANd thank GOD!!! This child is now 7. He is the most sensitive, intuitive, interesting and imaginative child! He has inate integrity and he seems to come from his heart in everything he does.

So I married that engineer who was 7 years younger than me who turned out to be my perfect soul mate. And we planned and had another child who is now 4. He's blossoming into a funny and interesting comical original little guy. He's had an invisible friend for a long time (& tells us hilarious stories about his friend) and he loves to snuggle with his mommy - even though he insists he's a big boy. Thank God we had him.

So all I am saying is life (at least my life!!) has never happened on time and in an orderly fashion. I feel like life FALLS around me and I try my best to keep on the right path, to respond compassionately when possible, to keep going forward. I try to give everything its due. That phrase means so much to me. I try to keep a balance between everything I do and everything I think about. It's not ALL about being sober right now - it's also about painting. And it's also about being a good wife. And it's about being a good mother and listening to their stories and watching their reenactments of battles, and gymnastics, and playing cards with them.... cooking comes in there somewhere. As does pet care. And my mother. And the rest of my family.

This a long route to say, you know what, if you feel ready or if it just happens, don't let the fear that you don't have enough sobriety stop you. That's my feeling. I know it's a different opinion than others. I do protect my sobriety, believe me. And I do know (of course) how difficult having kids can be - especially at first. With my first one, I felt like my WORLD had just completely exploded. It was crazy. But we get though it.

Maybe its just me (probably) but I just keep taking the next step forward and sometimes it surprises people and sometimes it angers people (my sister though I had no right to bring my first baby into the world - she was so obviously wrong.) And I think having children is just the most precious, most important thing a woman who wants to have children can do. (Other women have every right, of course, to define their lives differently - I would never presume to have any insight there.)

So I'm a sober alcoholic with 4 boys. And I've closed down the factory, by the way. But I would never in a million years change a thing about how it happened. And if I'd felt like I had to plan it all and maybe things didn't go exactly how I planned, I would be feeling a lot of stress and sorrow.

I am sorry for this long post. And I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Love,
MLE

DSodaNow

MLE- Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It really helps to see all perspectives! I will take your words to heart!

NoelleR

You've gotten some great responses here, and I really don't have much to add, cept.....you said you were leary about telling your doctor (except your therapist) about your alcoholism, thinking it might cause insurance problems in the future.....? The response you received was right-on when it comes to health insurance, however when applying for life-insurance and/or including accident insurance, well, that can be a whole 'nuther story. My best friend in recovery tried to get life insurance when she was about 2 years sober and was told that they could not cover her totally until she had been sober for at least 5 years...............?

So,,,,,,is this still true today.....? I dunno, but I would look into it if I were you......and on a side-note -- I'm a firm believer in rigorous honesty, and being as sick as our secrets, but I also feel that I need only be as honest as it takes to keep me sober, and everybody does NOT have a right to know EVERYTHING about me; to me, that's not dishonest, it's a need-to-know basis (and some folks just don't have a need-to-know)..... (o:

I hope some of this helped a tad..........keep on keepin on.....


NoelleR

P.S. .....Whoops, I sorta didn't answer your original question at all.....bad me.... To me the phrase 'early recovery' is relative; when I was in my first couple of years, 'early recovery' usually meant my first few months; now, after a few more years, when I use the phrase 'early recovery' I'm usually referring to my first couple of (few?) years.....clear now?....as mud?.....