Aysha

Something needs to change ...drasticly.
I am fooling myself as always.
I am not working any type of program is the first and most crucial problem.
I still have it in my mind that I can still do it with will power alone. I know I cant , but still I try.
So senseless.
I think I need to go back to treatment and do the aftercare sober living they reccomended before. 5 days of treatment is pointless. And even more so coming out and not doing anything else.
But..I am stuck with..I have things that need to paid. My grams can not afford everything on her own. So because I want to be a loser and keep fighting recovery the proper way. She will have to suffer.
I will lose my job..my car..and we will lose our home if I go back and do treatment and then sober living.
I know..You will lose it eventually. Heard that before. Not sayin it isnt possible..But unlikely. In this 14 yrs of hell..I managed to keep the crucial necessities in tact. How..I couldnt tell you.
My mind is focused on material things...But having a home and a means of transportation are needed to survive. How can I make my grams lose everything along with me if I decide to do an intensive inpatient program?
But then I think maybe I have gotten comfortable with the idea of running to treatment to get away as well as using to get away. Meaning...I cant take having finacial responsibilities.
I am so confused and cant seem to make sense of anything.
I did something I have never done on this site the other night. I came here while using.
I feel I disrespected everyone here by doing so. I didnt do anything except sit in the chat room and read what people were saying. But still.
I cant keep going on like this. I cant keep making excuses. When do I cut the apron strings?
What will happen to my grams if I do decide to go to treatment and follow through till the end. She will lose everything.
I have already put her through so much. She is really getting to the age where she cant take this **** anymore. Why after all she has sacrificed for me do I have to feel like I am being selfish and cant get it together and then even more so feel guilty because I want to go to a longterm treatment program.
I ran into someone this last run. A girl I knew last year who was homeless and really bad off using. I didnt even recognize her. She came up to me and told me who she was and that she had gone to treatment and had 8 mos. I was so proud of her. I felt so stupid because there I was sitting in the street looking crazy trying to hustle my next move. But she was cool. I told her how I have been struggling really bad and it wasnt working. She didnt push that cliche meetings stuff on me. She didnt start preaching or running off at the mouth with one liners. She looked at me and said..Well. Maybe you just arent ready.
And I know that maybe I might not be completely ready. Or maybe its that I am not willing to do whatever it takes.
The problem with me is I really dont care if I die. I am not suicidal but death seems like a relief to me right now. A relief to my family. These thoughts along with major depression are what caused me to do what I did last year. I will never attempt that again.
EVen though I know better..I still feel like I am useless. what purpose do I serve here. None.
I have so many self esteem issues it isnt even funny. I am so sick of picking myself apart. I dont thing I have ever said that before.
My mind is so F***ed I cant even tell you what is from the drugs and not. I dont think I had these mental issues before using. But then again I have been an addict since I was 18. More like 13. If you count smoking pot everyday but not needing it and letting it control my life being an addict.
I just dont know what I should do. Keep going on screwing up once a month but still maintain my bills for the most part? Or do I say screw it all. Forget what happens to my grams and possibly save my own life?
I just dont know.

stone

You could go to NA, Trish.

Do you need to detox?

Pinkcuda

I still think you're putting too much thought into this. Not only do I think you put too much thought into this, I think you put too much faith in this magical "treatment" place you keep referring to.
I don't know what they talk about in NA but in AA we came to believe that no Human power could have relieved us of our insanity. This "Human Power" consists of Doctors Lawyers Judges Counselors Therapists Psychologists Psychiatrists Clergy etc... Those are the ones that run Treatment Centers.
So just who can help an Alcoholic or an Addict to stay sober and clean? Another Alcoholic or Addict with Gods help.
You see, God trusted us to do something that nobody else seems to be able to do. And we're doing it. We're keeping others sober. We're not doing it on-line either, We're doing it in meetings. This is a fun place but hugs, kisses and pats on the back aren't going to do it.
God can help you move a mountain. What they don't tell you is that you need to bring a shovel. What I mean by bringing a shovel in this case is to show up to meetings, getting involved with others in the program and doing what you're supposed to do.
You're running on "Self Will". How many times do you need to be told that doesn't work? It's like eating a box of X-Lax and willing yourself not to shiit.
You need to find a meeting, you need to find God to help you through this. If you have trouble finding God, humility and an open mind are a step in the right direction.
Meetings, you ask? My Town was just leveled by a Tornado. We had a meeting just the same. Only it was a candlelight meeting because we don't have any power. We went because we have to. We'll do it again tomorrow just the same. That is how people stay sober. Not on wishes and good intentions.

Aysha

You are right pinkcuda. I do think too much. Which leads to second guessing everytime.
I do have a very hardtime finding "GOD".
I believe there is one..But thats about it. I do believe something has been watching over me. Because I sure as hell wouldnt still be here to post this. All the **** we have been through we have always got what we needed. Certain things happen that are just beyond coincidence.
But I just dont understand how to let go and believe that some unseen force can help me.
On my way home from the 4 day run I just did. I was in the back of a taxi and up in the sky as soon as I got out of the city and toward the country where I live. There were 2 jet streams. 1 going up and the other across going through the other one. In the shape of a cross. It was early morning and the sky was a beautiful pink and orange. Not a cloud in the sky except those streams.
I would like to think that was God telling me he is there. But you know...I just dont know how to be a true believer. Have the passion some people do. The trust that some people do.
I am very lost and have been for a long time. I am screaming to get out and I cant find the freakin door.
I am tired of this existance. I am tired of trying to figure **** out. I am tired of everything. I cant seem to find happiness when it is all around me.

1963comet

Sounds like you already know what you need to do like treatment and getting depression taken care of. How many times have you been to treatment? You said you always run there. Are you going for the right reasons?

I know I had to want it bad enough for it to work. And many times I felt bad like you the day after I got drunk.

Pinkcuda

Trish, God doesn't come easy for anyone at first. Step 2 is a tough one for a lot of people. There are a lot that wonder why God would allow them to go through the things they have. Therefore they have lost the faith. Our Alcoholic/Addict thinking is real negative and we blame others for our misfortune. Including God. He takes the brunt of it.
The Beauty of God "as we understand him" is that we don't need to concern ourselves with Jesus dying for our sins, Moses and the Ten Commandments and Angels standing on clouds singing songs out of a Songbook. It's my God and not one that was sold to me through the Church.
God is everywhere and he's not that hard to find. He's on every Mountain Top and he's under every bridge sleeping with the Bums.
We went to lunch today at the Salvation Army tent. We affectionatley call it "The Refugee Restaraunt". God was there too. Amid the debris and rubble people were praying before they ate. Thankful for the things they didn't lose. That's God!

Done_With_It

No answers for you, wish I had them. I can relate to a lot of what you said at one time or another anyway. Keep looking Trish, stay in the solution and you will find answers to your problems...

I know one thing that really helps me is having a passion, something that drives me to want to do better. I'm not sure if you've found yours yet, but it helps.

serenityqueen

(((Trish)))

It's time to quit playing around. I'm gonna get real honest here. I have watched you go up and down like a yo yo. Whether you believe it or not, you and you alone are the one holding that little plastic circle that controls the string.

Not even 2 weeks ago, you were on the pain management forum complaining that your Dr. won't prescribe you narcotic pain meds for your physical pain. You spent a great deal of time trying to convince us, and yourself, that you could control using narcotics for pain. Trish, you know you can't. An addict is an addict is an addict. Doesn't matter what your drug of choice is at the moment. If you got your Dr. to prescribe you opiates, that would very soon become your DOC. Why? You are an addict. And if you could get the escape that we addicts seek by legitimate and legal means, you would be off to the races. You would have a new DOC before that Rx was gone. And then, you'd be on the phone to the Dr., just like i always did, with every excuse imaginable as to why you need another prescription. And the entire time you would believe that you are not addicted to these pills . . . you merely need a few more at a time because you are in a lot of pain.

Of course you're in pain . . . you are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. I can say this because I was there for so many years of my life. I tried to over analyze everything. I told myself that meetings weren't for me. Oh, I went to meetings off and on, but in the back of my mind I thought that those people had been brainwashed or they were just fooling themselves, trying to convince me that it was possible to live life happy without being high. Or could it have been that they had just figured out a way to use without any consequences?

I think the two jet streams that you saw in the sky were a sign. Trish, my last day using, when the pills began to wear off and the withdrawals started, I was screaming at God to do something for me, anything. Either help me or just let me die because I couldn't take anymore. After what seemed like forever of begging, no daring God to do something, anything, I then woke up from the most peaceful 6 or 7 hours of sleep I have ever had. Sure, I was still physically sick as a dog, but the emotional and spiritual pain had been lifted. And your sign? You said you were coming home from a 4 day run, right? Maybe what you saw in the sky was a reminder that you lived through that one. . . . but could you live through another? No one is asking you to believe in a God. Just believe that there is a power greater than yourself. I think for all the years I struggled I was basically looking for some writing in the sky saying, "I am here, Judy." You didn't get words, but you sure had a sign in the skies that morning.

I had been to many inpatient treatments, some as long as 7 or 8 months. I'm not saying that those don't get many people on the right path. At the times I went, I wasn't ready. I had to hit my bottom. I had to be at the point I was on the evening of July 24, 2005. Willing to go to any length! Yes, I had to go through detox to get the massive amts. of opiates out of my system safely. But that was only for 4 days and 3 nights. After that, I did outpatient. And meetings. Are you willing to go to any length? If you say yes, then I think it's time to get serious and go to some meetings. Don't use the excuse that they are too far away or that gas is too expensive. You already told us that you went into the city for drugs, and I know cabs aren't cheap either. Willing to go to any length.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. I know you've heard that before. Trish, you keep sticking your finger in a light socket, expecting not to get shocked. It's time to get serious, go to any length, try what has worked for millions. You aren't any different, you are an addict. But there is hope.

Be Willing.

Love, Hugs, Friendship & Prayers,
Judy

best

Trish

Have you ever seen me? Has any of my posts ever helped you?
I hope they have in some way. If I but a human can reach out and help another...How much better and how much more does a perfect and loving God do for each of us?
Two ways I have found that helped me get to know Him better and trust Him more... Talks with Him (prayer as well as just sit down and have a talk) and the other was by reading His words that He left here on earth to help teach us...The bible.
Between the talking and reading... I found that I needed to sit still and listen as well.

Honu

:praying

For you.

Honu

Impurrfect

(((Trish))))

I wish I knew what to say to make you believe that you deserve so much better than that crap! I know that in the end, after I used, I was full of self-hatred...just wanted to die. It was really, really bad. I knew if I kept using, I'd be in prison because I'm on probation, and I darn sure didn't want to go there.

I couldn't use 24/7, and I couldn't use "occasionally" because the guilt, hatred, and shame afterwards was too brutal. I didn't see that I had a choice, but to quit.

I hope you get to the point where you realize that you deserve to not let that crap take over you any more.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

least

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you find the help you need to get clean and stay clean. :praying:ghug3

stone

You dont need God to do the program of NA or AA, you just need to let go of trying to control everything yourself. The fellowship can be your HP, anything can.

I am going on about NA because I have found it necessary for me to go back to AA...I was resistant too. Now I have given up and realised I cannot do it alone...again.

Anna

Trish,

When you are ready to recovery, we are here to support you.

Prayers going out to you.

LibertyorDeath

You call to my mind a story my mother shared about a recent experience she had at mass. A visiting priest had a large basket on the altar. He invited each of the congregation to come up and take a look inside the basket where they would see one of the most beautiful images of the Risen Christ ever created! One by one, silently, they approached the altar, pulled back the cloth and peered inside. Some wept as they went back to their seat.

Within the basket was a mirror.

I pray that you find Him today.

Liberty~

Emimily

trish - you know what got me sober? i was going to kill myself, either slowly with drinking or quickly with a handgun. i am not a patient person. i would've blown my brains out if i hadn't stopped... i know this because i used to slice myself up before i found alcohol. my first instinct has always been to self-destruct, and it's taken a LOT of work to get out of that mindset.

it's hard work to be happy. it's easy to be miserable. you just need to figure out how long you want to be miserable for, because it's your call whenever you want to get out of it. maybe it doesn't seem that way, maybe it seems like your financial situation is too overwhelming or your family is too dependent or whatever, but it really is your call. sit in it until you're ready to move. no one can convince you to do anything before YOU are ready to.

i hope you can hit a meeting and i hope you know that you can feel better whenever you make the decision to work for that happiness. take care, darlin.

warrens

Chiy

You have so much going for you. You really do.

I don't give advice. I'm not qualified. But I do wish to say that you have been an inspiration to me. When I joined this community in mid February, I was in bad shape emotionally. I'd violated some of my core values and beliefs.

You were a frequent poster and your approach to life was infectious. You were one who made me realize that this was no ordinary message board, but an actual community of caring individuals. Just wanted to thank you for that.

Your dilemma is real. If I had to face your choices, I'm not sure what I would do. Recovery isn't just the absence of our DOC. It must be accompanied by a life worth living, a life where our basic human needs are met.

If you go to inpatient and emerge clean but impoverished in all other respects, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Take away my home, my income, and all that anchors me to what I call life, and I might face an emotional precipice that is all too attractive.

I have no doubt that you possess the will to live a sober and productive life. It is time to get creative. To do things that you have not done yet. To carefully set up an environment that will give you the best chance of success. I don't know what your DOC costs, or what it takes to obtain it. But that money and energy and time is available for your recovery, is it not? For other things in life?

What might you do so that your life is so full that you have little time or opportunity to get high? You are a giver. It is so obvious in your writing. Where might you give? An additional job at a school, museum, shelter, hospice...? Is it possible that your craving to get high is related to other needs that are unfulfilled? Might you arrange your life so that your needs are filled by constantly being needed by others? Regardless of where you live, it is possible to be productively busy 24/7 if you wish.

I only suggest the above because of my sense of you Chi. Of what comes across in your writing. You love life and you care deeply for others. Combine that with a program and you will have a day planner that is filled with things to do. Things of value. Things that give you reason to get up in the morning. Things that will make others grateful that you are alive and sober.

Just a thought...

warren

joeycutnurhair

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU. I CAN TRULY SAY YOUR POST HAS ME GRATEFUL. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. i remember trying to find anything that could give me an answer. anything. i even got to where i was reading tarot cards 10-11 times a day. thank god the probation officer finally locked me up for 44 days. i wouldn't have asked for that but that was god doing for me what i couldnt do for myself! now i have been clean and sober since 6/28/06

Aysha

I am calling IOP tomorrow. I said I was going to the last time and didnt. I have to this time. I cant go inpatient. I cant see my grams having to go live with one of my aunts. Without her own sense of independence and freedom she cherishes. If it was just me I would let all these material things go. I cant give up so easy and I cant be too selfish for my own life. Because hers is connected to mine as well as vice versa.
I swore I would never let my grams be put in a home. She isnt in need of one anyway. But if she were to go live with one of my aunts. I know how uncomfortable she would be.
She likes having her own space. As do I.
So off the BS pity pot. AGAIN!!
And this time I have to make the effort at all cost.
IOP and meetings. As uncomfortable as I may feel. So what.
It isnt nothin compared to how uncomfortable my gram has and could feel if I dont get my act together soon.
Doing it for me isnt working. Because if it was just me. I really wouldnt care.
It is because of my grams I dont give up. She is the reason I live. She is the reason I try. She is everything to me.
I feel like complete **** today. Coming out of that 3 day run and then into a coma for a day. My body hurts, My mind is mush.
If I have to do 5 days of IOP. Good. I dont care.
I have got to stop this BS. It is so old and ridiculous.
Someone posted in another thread about going to a shelter and volunteering. I love animals. I have wanted to get a pet for awhile but grams is allergic. I never thought of volunteering in a shelter. That is so perfect.
When people say do service work. I am like and do what?
It is about helping others but it has to help me as well. And that is the best thing for me to want to help another. The OP also said that they are lonely too. The animals. I am going to take that idea and run with it.

stone

It's a good thing that you care so much about your Grams, Trish.

IOP and meetings sounds great.