Have you had enough yet?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 39
In the same boat
I can really relate to this post.
I am possibly a high-bottom drunk.
I'm also an artist, so what I've been trying to convince myself to stop drinking is that I intend to be creative my whole life, so I need a practice that sustains me. Drinking will work temporarily, but not forever. I need to find ways to train for the "marathon" instead of the "sprint," so I need to learn how to live artfully...sober. This is the justification I use because art means a lot to me, and in fact it is why I started drinking - because I was insecure about myself as an artist, and wine helped to remove the creative blockage. Sobriety wasn't a priority, because art was. Now I am trying to align the two together, so they are not in opposition. I can only work on my confidence as a sober artist if I stay sober.
If I ever become a full-blown alcoholic...or even if I'm not an alcoholic, but suffer from consequences as a result of my drinker (which could even mean being too hungover on Saturday mornings to enjoy life), then I don't really have a chance at sustaining an artistic practice. So why go there? It's hard I know...I'm battling this whole thing as well. This is only Day 3 of sobriety for me, after going to the pub on Tuesday to work on my thesis.
I guess my suggestion would be to figure out what is most meaningful to you, and see how sobriety would allow you to be in touch with that.
I am possibly a high-bottom drunk.
I'm also an artist, so what I've been trying to convince myself to stop drinking is that I intend to be creative my whole life, so I need a practice that sustains me. Drinking will work temporarily, but not forever. I need to find ways to train for the "marathon" instead of the "sprint," so I need to learn how to live artfully...sober. This is the justification I use because art means a lot to me, and in fact it is why I started drinking - because I was insecure about myself as an artist, and wine helped to remove the creative blockage. Sobriety wasn't a priority, because art was. Now I am trying to align the two together, so they are not in opposition. I can only work on my confidence as a sober artist if I stay sober.
If I ever become a full-blown alcoholic...or even if I'm not an alcoholic, but suffer from consequences as a result of my drinker (which could even mean being too hungover on Saturday mornings to enjoy life), then I don't really have a chance at sustaining an artistic practice. So why go there? It's hard I know...I'm battling this whole thing as well. This is only Day 3 of sobriety for me, after going to the pub on Tuesday to work on my thesis.
I guess my suggestion would be to figure out what is most meaningful to you, and see how sobriety would allow you to be in touch with that.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
Sax, you sound depressed, to me. You also list many excuses to not work. You already said you drink to not "think". Not thinking can get you into a world of trouble, mainly, making stupid decisions. (I am speaking from personal experience only). How could I make choices about anything, when I was constantly turning off my brain, not thinking, with alcohol? It seems insane.
Who keeps your children now? Are you living with parents? Maybe you could stay there, and get ANY job, just to get you out of the house, in the company of others, for a few hours a day? You may just meet someone who may have been in your situation, or may know of some sort of training you could get...you never know until you try.
But, you can't try until you start thinking. You do have to stop making excuses, though. Those are just keeping you stuck in the same place, and nothing ever changes. If you want your life to change, YOU are the only person who can change it.
There are places who offer training, with no fees/tuition, with the agreement that once you complete your training, you will work for them for X-amount of years...to repay...
Do some research, and get on with it. But, start thinking, first.
Honu
Who keeps your children now? Are you living with parents? Maybe you could stay there, and get ANY job, just to get you out of the house, in the company of others, for a few hours a day? You may just meet someone who may have been in your situation, or may know of some sort of training you could get...you never know until you try.
But, you can't try until you start thinking. You do have to stop making excuses, though. Those are just keeping you stuck in the same place, and nothing ever changes. If you want your life to change, YOU are the only person who can change it.
There are places who offer training, with no fees/tuition, with the agreement that once you complete your training, you will work for them for X-amount of years...to repay...
Do some research, and get on with it. But, start thinking, first.
Honu
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Sax, I am sorry you are still struggling. This road we travel is not paved and smooth, it tends to be rocky. The only truth you need to seek is yours. Alcohol will never lead you to the truth. While my children are older I do remember the feelings of isolation when they were young, but there are many things you can do with them that cost very little and can help you get out of the house. Check your local library for programs that they offer and while you are there get a really good book...you can't think and read at the same time!
As far as volunteer work try calling your local meals on wheels program...not only can you do this with your children but when I did it I found two seperate homes which looked forward to seeing my kids when we came. One man loved playing checkers and taught my son how to play over the course of my 6 months of visiting his home.
I would also like to mention that I too like Dee get really infuriated when people assume facts not in evidence. Regardless how many "raw nerves" a post may hit there is no justification for anyone to use your children as pawns in your recovery. I have known alot of non drinkers that could use a lesson in parenting. I got sober when my son was 18, we spoke at great lengths about how my drinking affected him...bottom line... he never once felt like I didn't love him, just that I didn't love myself. Your children are young, beat this now and you will never have to have that conversation.
Stay strong, love your children, but most of all learn to love yourself.
As far as volunteer work try calling your local meals on wheels program...not only can you do this with your children but when I did it I found two seperate homes which looked forward to seeing my kids when we came. One man loved playing checkers and taught my son how to play over the course of my 6 months of visiting his home.
I would also like to mention that I too like Dee get really infuriated when people assume facts not in evidence. Regardless how many "raw nerves" a post may hit there is no justification for anyone to use your children as pawns in your recovery. I have known alot of non drinkers that could use a lesson in parenting. I got sober when my son was 18, we spoke at great lengths about how my drinking affected him...bottom line... he never once felt like I didn't love him, just that I didn't love myself. Your children are young, beat this now and you will never have to have that conversation.
Stay strong, love your children, but most of all learn to love yourself.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Okay Okay! It sounds like I crossed a line in my comments to Sax about how her drinking might be affecting her parenting and that perhaps that could help motivate her to make a stronger commitment to recovery, regardless of where her "bottom" might be.
I don't know that I entirely understand people's objections to my comments but I do respect them. I want to just try to end this now because I've gotten some pretty angry comments PM'd to me and also some pretty vehement comments in this thread.
So, let me say again, that I am sincerely sorry if I offended and if I was self-righteous or out of line. We are all on the same team here and I don't want to be devisive.
And Sax, of course, of course, of course, I wish you only sobriety, serenity and strength.
- MLE
I don't know that I entirely understand people's objections to my comments but I do respect them. I want to just try to end this now because I've gotten some pretty angry comments PM'd to me and also some pretty vehement comments in this thread.
So, let me say again, that I am sincerely sorry if I offended and if I was self-righteous or out of line. We are all on the same team here and I don't want to be devisive.
And Sax, of course, of course, of course, I wish you only sobriety, serenity and strength.
- MLE
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey Sax - Just wanted to add that I do some volunteer work that I take my children with me for....I know someone mentioned meals on wheels, that's a great idea - I help out at soup kitchens and a home for teenage moms - there is always something little the kids can do, and I can mingle with other adults, and it helps me get my "problems" in prospective sometimes, to see other people who rely on the help that the organizations I volunteer for needing so much.
Come on, stay and talk with us....your family needs you, and your SR family needs you.
Like Dee said, come say hello...let us know where you're at. Jomey
Come on, stay and talk with us....your family needs you, and your SR family needs you.
Like Dee said, come say hello...let us know where you're at. Jomey
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Sax, as has been said before, we all reach our own "turning point". It is individual for each of us, but what is common is that you reach a point in your life where you are so sick and tired of being sick and tired that change is your only option.
Maybe try not to rationalize what "bottom" is and simply focus on what you want... "sobriety?" and "why sobriety?". Once you reach those answers you likely have a good start.
A second point, which I purposefully left for last, "you have already taken the most important step, you are questioning your use of alcohol".
Levi
Maybe try not to rationalize what "bottom" is and simply focus on what you want... "sobriety?" and "why sobriety?". Once you reach those answers you likely have a good start.
A second point, which I purposefully left for last, "you have already taken the most important step, you are questioning your use of alcohol".
Levi
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
One of the most important tenets of AA is "one alkie helping another". And that's volunteer work also. Volunteering has been suggested by many and I enthusiastically agree. Anything that gets me out of myself and into someone else is useful to me and gives me back so much more than I could ever give. Animal shelters, homeless shelters, women's shelters... the list is endless. And they all take you away from yourself. Besides, any time you volunteer to help someone worse off than yourself you begin to count your blessings. At least it makes me count mine.
I hope you can decide to get and stay sober. I'm not even two weeks sober but already feel better, just being able to look at things with a clear head.
:ghug3
I hope you can decide to get and stay sober. I'm not even two weeks sober but already feel better, just being able to look at things with a clear head.
:ghug3
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