Taking5

Least what do you do for a living and what part of the US are you in?

warrens

Great post, Dgillz. Sums up the futility of struggle. That is so difficult to comprehend for some. That surrender is actually the summit of strength.

Least, what a great reference to an old traditional tune. It's been recorded by many. Haven't listened to the old Traffic version in eons. But, because of you, I will.

Are you going to your daughter's graduation?

warren

gravity

Hi Least,

You sound really good and are making great progress. Very early in my sobriety, another AA member gave me a coin to take with me on my out of town trips (I had shared that I struggled with alcohol when I am away from home). I keep it in my suitcase.

Well, I'm out of town right now and after reading your post, I just had to take out the coin. It reads:

Recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic sharing experience, strength, and hope.

How cool is that ? And I'm NOT struggling!

We are all in this together. Keep up the great work!

Don

least

I'm in Ohio, a small rural town with few jobs. We had a large factory where I used to work but it closed five years ago and a thousand of us were thrown to the wolves. I was cleaning houses for a living, until my drinking got out of control and I lost most of my jobs. I was born an english major of two teachers, one a college professor. I've always kicked myself for not going to college when I had the chance.

I love to write. Used to write poetry. Lately I've not been too creative, other than thinking up lies about my drinking life, and reasons to continue it unabated while hiding it from my kids.

Work here is almost nonexistant, except for "degree" or specialized fields, and of course there's always McDonalds...

THank you all for the help. I don't know what it is about "this time around" except that I just feel different. Still very depressed about my situation, just don't want to drown myself anymore.

:ghug3:ghug

Yes I'm going to her graduation and taking her to college this fall!

gravity

I also feel different "this time around". I don't know if it's the same as you, but after my last drunk, it was like "I give up, I can't drink." - not fighting myself anymore. There was almost a sense of peace. Sure, life still has it's challenges, but drinking just stopped being an option. The trick is to keep that mindset (my step 1 actually) and keep working hard on the solution.

least

I just got a bit of insight about 'surrender'. I too said, I give up, I can't drink anymore. Is that what the aspect of surrender is all about? Just saying I can't do this anymore? I need to know cause I'll do whatever it takes to stay sober.

My daughter is talking to me again!:bounce

thank you for the insight, gravity!

ex D-Boy

thats great news that your daughter is talking with you , also on the week of sobriety. Keep it up least i've been reading a lot of your posts and you seem like a great person. You most certainly deserve the rewards that come with sobriety.

least

Well I don't think I'm 'great' but at least I'm a person again, instead of a wine soaked sponge!

Taking5

I hear surrender - or the lack of it - put a different way once. Imagine you had to fight Mike Tyson in his prime. He would have no doubt beat the crap out of you. However, given rest and proper medical treatment, all those cuts and bruises from the fight would undoubtedly heal, and you could put on the boxing gloves and go a few more rounds with Mike, only to get beat up again.

Then you could rest and heal up again, then in a month or so, get the gloves out and......You get the picture.

It is insanity to continue down this path. At some point you surrender. You don't say "I'll only do 2 rounds". You just give up and never put yourself in that situation again, knowing that no matter what you do, Mike Tyson will whip your ass.

Substitute Alcohol for Mike Tyson, and re-read this story.

The story in the Big Book about the Jay-walker is also along similar lines.

Anna

To me, surrendering was knowing that I could not drink again.

After spending a couple of years, determined to be able to drink moderately, I gave up. It was no longer an option in my life.

It felt so freeing!

Dee74

my surrender was the moment I admitted I was an alcoholic and I couldn't, and would never, drink like everyone else.

Even then I had the choice to continue on that drunken path, or to accept a different way, where alcohol no longer played a role in my life.

I chose the latter - and although my life still has its ups and downs and crises and whatnot - I know for a fact a better Dee is here to deal with them, and I've never regretted my decision.

I started to live again that day.

D

barb dwyer

Being a product of the seventies .. I can say from experience that the 'mysterious killer pneumonia' killed off quite a few artists during that time. We all knew it was drugs/alcohol... but since the lungs fill with fluid -that's what the press called it.

Kinda like calling cause of death when someone jumps off a building 'sudden deceleration' ... or 'sudden onset pavementitis'.
It was just a way of putting it by the coroner.

gravity

To me, this is exactly what 'surrender' is. It took me 25 years to finally accept, in my heart, that I just can't drink alcohol. Nothing good will ever come from it. As I came to accept this absolute truth, the fact that I can't drink has lost it's importance in my life. It's a non issue 99% of the time. I have some minor allergies, can't wear metal jewellery or aftershave - it's like that, no big deal.

AA helps me deal with that extremely dangerous 1% of the time when I lose focus (eg. feel sorry for myself or feel like saying to h*ll with it) and to live a good, sober life.

"Do whatever it takes" is actually something positive - steps, meetings, reaching out, prayer, meditation, learning, keeping myself in check, helping others. I no longer constantly obsess about ways to drink without consequence. My mind is clear to focus on my recovery, doing the next right thing, dealing with life's challenges in a good way, living life.

least

Gravity, thank you thank you thank you!! I NOW understand fully the meaning of surrendering to my alcoholism. Sometimes I do better with analogy than definition. Yes, if I substitute alcohol for Mike Tyson I definately "get it".

So yes, I have surrendered to alcohol. After getting out of detox on Monday I had told myself, "this is it, you cannot drink like other people, unless the other people are falling-down-drunks. Accept it girl, you can't drink the stuff. It will kill you but not before wrecking your life and the lives of your kids. Give it up." And I guess I had surrendered to the problem without realizing that I had.

And Barb, I know what you mean about "pneumonia". That's why I wonder if the coroner's report had listed that on his death certificate when it was really the alcohol and drugs that killed him. Besides which he was in such poor health that a stiff breeze probably would have knocked him over.

I don't want "pneumonia" on my death certificate. I'd rather have "went to be with all her animals forever".

barb dwyer

ha!

personally I'm shooting for 'disappeared in a blinding flash of light' ... myself.

Any more.

least

Prayer, meetings, gratitude, and reading the BB are the things I'm doing these days to keep a positive attitude about staying sober. I must say, I told God "thanks!!" this morning after reading some of the replies. I am SO GRATEFUL He let me come to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic after only 14 months. I am truly fortunate that Someone is looking out for me by knocking my hard head against that bottle sooner rather than later.

Grateful to be alive and wake up with a 'regular' headache instead of the 'I-did-it-again' kind.

Horselover

Least, I love reading your posts. It seems you are really standing on solid ground now. I do hope to get there as well. Have an awesome day and a happy Memorial Day. What do you do on Memorial Day? Picnic, camp, travel??

least

If the weather allows it I'm going to work on my garden, mow the yard, walk the dogs, and just enjoy the day. Oh yeah and be grateful that I CAN enjoy the day!

least

I want to explain the origin of my name. It's from a verse in the book of Mathew. "that which you do unto the least of these, my brethren, you do unto me." Also because I've had self esteem issues for a long time and truly feel like one of the "least of these". anyway, that's why I chose least.:ghug2