Originally Posted by ksplash5

oh god of the universe, whatever god is....please help me be kind and loving. I'm very frustrated and lonely and angry. I don't want to use. i simply don't want to go there. i simply don't want to use. but i'm hurting pretty good right now. help me to continue living my life in a new direction no matter what. help me to follow the will ovf the universe no matter what. If i am to stay then may I create what's right and get beyond my pettiness and selfishness and self-centered-thinking and obsession of self. help me let go of gealousy and spite. help me to see the pain in others, in my girl, and help me to feel that pain and tol understand and to have compassion for her pains and the burdens of all of us who live today. those who are starving and those who have no place to live. I have been so lucky. been given so much. had so many hundreds of second chances. If it was by merit, i would perhaps have nothing at all. but i'm rich by the styandards of history and by my own standards. help me not to compare. help me to love and to look for the good in everything. help me see that good comes forth from pain and from mistakes and from waste and from pollution and from strife. help me un;iverser to have patience and understanding. help me to be a better father. i've had my good moments, but i'm not consistent. help me to be consisten=t and to say the right honest direction and loving kindness to my children, to my friends, to my girl. I don't know what this moments holds. I expect to understand too much and to think that i know what is going to happen in the future. in the big picture i know so very little. but I do have heart. i have love in me. i am a tender loving and compasssionate man. I am not afraid of hugging. I don't seem to cry much but i'm not even afraid of that. I seem to be afraid to live....I seem to be afraid to let my real wonderful spirit of light shine. I seem to want to settle for mediocracy no matter how much i've tried. please make me tired tonight. I know it don't work that way. I know you don't come down and zap us when we ask for things....even things that seem right, like right actions. i know that i have to take action and make choices. i pray for the strength from the brilliant light withing me that comes from this un-understandable existence i'm living that i didn't ask for but just ended up here...i pray for the strength to begin to try and to learn how to shine and to let others shine in front of me. i pray to stop =putting out the fire of love in others. I pray for change, well that's an easy one because change is coming. it's inevitable. i pray for right change. i pray for peace without and within....or from within and without. i pray for openmindedness. i pray that i never never never use or drink or take pills ever again. i pray that i hear these prayers and i pray that the universe hears these prayers. i know that things will work out and that i will be able to say, when i die, that i finally lived after a very difficult and long beginning. i know that i will make it in recovery and that i will receive all the help that i create the opportunity for around me. and I will learn from the hurts and i will grow. i don't want to let go of my life and at the same time i really don't live much. I've been a follower until i've gone off on my own and spread chaos. I want to be glue that helps to begin to hold us all together and to do my own small part.

i feel a little better god. budda. universe... whatever. and i'm grateful for that and for the pain and for my mistakes and i want to receive this gratitude anmd to returnm it 10 fold with love and service for as much of my remaining life. I'm tired of being tired and lonely and spiteful and judgemental and hateful and worried about others getting ahead of me in traffic or angry at those who ride 5 feet behind me. I'm ready to let this go. how lonely it would be if i was the only one driving down the roads on my way to and from work where no one was either.

good night