ninth day clean
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
ninth day clean
today is my ninth day clean. I've not had an urge until moments ago.
an unknown phone number was showing as my phone rang. I ignored it. then a message was left. i went to check voicemail and it turned out to be a dealer. I erased the message and all my call history. then my brain started trying to remember numbers. I shouted blah blah blah in my mind, but my mind kept wanting to go to numbers. so I started shouting my own phone number in my mind, but finally my mind won out and recalled a phone number that is still etched in my memory.
so then I had the urge. the urge of "getting more". I thought about calling the number...but then I thought about if I do it, it will destroy my life.. I simply cant do it anymore. and that led me to come here and share.
On my cell phone background I have the words "DontDo It Again". these are the beautiful words that have become my mantra. seeing those words helped.
I'm a little bit relieved of the urge, but i know that it's still inside of me, and it may come back up at any moment today.
I know how to put a bandaid on the urge. that I have now done. But I have not yet found a way to let go of the dormant desire that can manifest into using.
so this is my first urge this time. now work of recovery from my addiction needs to be performed.
one of the things I do is write about it. another is to call my girlfriend. another thing is I have not been going to meetings lately...none since i've gotten clean this time. I don't have plans to go to one yet today or tonight. the one that would be most convient today is at the same time as my chiropractic appointment. I will consider changing that appointment to tomorrow and going to that meeting today. another thing I do is pay attention to H.A.L.T. I am hungry. I am a little bit lonely. I'm a little angry about the call. I'm not tired anymore since the call.
I'm going to eat lunch....i was going to have salad but i'm gonna get a burger now. I need to put some junk in me, a chocolate shake too will help. then I will rest, or meditate, or both. then i'll resume working.
that's a good start. that's what I can do right now. and I'm going to.
thanks for listening
an unknown phone number was showing as my phone rang. I ignored it. then a message was left. i went to check voicemail and it turned out to be a dealer. I erased the message and all my call history. then my brain started trying to remember numbers. I shouted blah blah blah in my mind, but my mind kept wanting to go to numbers. so I started shouting my own phone number in my mind, but finally my mind won out and recalled a phone number that is still etched in my memory.
so then I had the urge. the urge of "getting more". I thought about calling the number...but then I thought about if I do it, it will destroy my life.. I simply cant do it anymore. and that led me to come here and share.
On my cell phone background I have the words "DontDo It Again". these are the beautiful words that have become my mantra. seeing those words helped.
I'm a little bit relieved of the urge, but i know that it's still inside of me, and it may come back up at any moment today.
I know how to put a bandaid on the urge. that I have now done. But I have not yet found a way to let go of the dormant desire that can manifest into using.
so this is my first urge this time. now work of recovery from my addiction needs to be performed.
one of the things I do is write about it. another is to call my girlfriend. another thing is I have not been going to meetings lately...none since i've gotten clean this time. I don't have plans to go to one yet today or tonight. the one that would be most convient today is at the same time as my chiropractic appointment. I will consider changing that appointment to tomorrow and going to that meeting today. another thing I do is pay attention to H.A.L.T. I am hungry. I am a little bit lonely. I'm a little angry about the call. I'm not tired anymore since the call.
I'm going to eat lunch....i was going to have salad but i'm gonna get a burger now. I need to put some junk in me, a chocolate shake too will help. then I will rest, or meditate, or both. then i'll resume working.
that's a good start. that's what I can do right now. and I'm going to.
thanks for listening
Sewer Dweller
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Chi-Town
Posts: 34
Half way through your post I was going to say that you should go splurge on some ice cream or fried foods, but you got that covered. Good job with nine days. Keep moving forward, and great job resisting that urge and that phone call.
DONT DO IT AGAIN!
DONT DO IT AGAIN!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Good job on your 9 days. For me the first week was the hardest.
I just love that "Don't do it Again"
I attend Smart recovery, I've learned there, that urges are just thoughts. And because it is just a thought does not mean you have to act on them. So, they teach you to use the stop thought when you get the urge.
After a time those thoughts will go away. You might get them every now and then. But the longer you do this the less it will happen.
Just trying to help
I just love that "Don't do it Again"
I attend Smart recovery, I've learned there, that urges are just thoughts. And because it is just a thought does not mean you have to act on them. So, they teach you to use the stop thought when you get the urge.
After a time those thoughts will go away. You might get them every now and then. But the longer you do this the less it will happen.
Just trying to help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
nice to read your responses. thanks.
I changed my chiropractic appointment and will go straight to a meeting after work and then just plan to hang out for a little while afterwards. It's been a while since i've been at the club, so i'm looking forward to it. they have ice cream there so I'll definitely get some.
I'm really glad that I made the decision to go. though I don't get what I need from 12 step philosophy (anymore), it is a support system I'm very familiar with and i do know some people in my area. I'll be quit open to receiving other people's beliefs without getting a bug up my butt if they conflict with my own. I really want to go into this meeting with the firm intention of not sharing anything beyond my name and addiction. so I'll go in with that attitude and see what happens. I'm typically one of them people who seldom pass, and I often talk a little bit too long.
In the panic of my urge from earlier, I'm glad that I came up with a good plan. I know it will work. the urge has passed, but i'm filled with self centered muck and lonliness and self pity and all that stinkin thinkin stuff.
thanks for listening
I changed my chiropractic appointment and will go straight to a meeting after work and then just plan to hang out for a little while afterwards. It's been a while since i've been at the club, so i'm looking forward to it. they have ice cream there so I'll definitely get some.
I'm really glad that I made the decision to go. though I don't get what I need from 12 step philosophy (anymore), it is a support system I'm very familiar with and i do know some people in my area. I'll be quit open to receiving other people's beliefs without getting a bug up my butt if they conflict with my own. I really want to go into this meeting with the firm intention of not sharing anything beyond my name and addiction. so I'll go in with that attitude and see what happens. I'm typically one of them people who seldom pass, and I often talk a little bit too long.
In the panic of my urge from earlier, I'm glad that I came up with a good plan. I know it will work. the urge has passed, but i'm filled with self centered muck and lonliness and self pity and all that stinkin thinkin stuff.
thanks for listening
today is my 10th day clean and sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi ksplash,
It sounds like you know you need to do whatever it takes in order to get sober. You're doing great. Stay focused on your goal. I found myself totally self-centred in early sobriety, it was awful. I began volunteering and it was the best decision I could have made.
It sounds like you know you need to do whatever it takes in order to get sober. You're doing great. Stay focused on your goal. I found myself totally self-centred in early sobriety, it was awful. I began volunteering and it was the best decision I could have made.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
The 1st step really should be "Shut up and get in the car"
The 2nd step could be "Get a sponsor"
3rd step act 'as if '
Your will won't keep you sober, so keep close to what can.
Congrat on the progress.
Any frozen Chocolate treat always works for me.
The 2nd step could be "Get a sponsor"
3rd step act 'as if '
Your will won't keep you sober, so keep close to what can.
Congrat on the progress.
Any frozen Chocolate treat always works for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
wow. the replies are appreciated. I feel connected to life much more than a few minutes ago.
My urges left me. I moved my appointment to another day and went to the meeting right after work. It was nice, I heard some things I appreciated and really needed and I also kept my sharing time down to about 15 seconds. after I greeted a couple people, got my ice cream from the counter, and came home.
I am so glad that I made good choices today. the decision to go to the meeting freed me up of the urge and the compulsion that was in the development stage. then all I had to deal with was insecurity, frustration, anger, and lonliness.
One day at a time. from the point of view of early evening, this day looks like a wonderful sucess to me now. it looked different at other points in the day.
thanks and blessings of kindness and love to you
My urges left me. I moved my appointment to another day and went to the meeting right after work. It was nice, I heard some things I appreciated and really needed and I also kept my sharing time down to about 15 seconds. after I greeted a couple people, got my ice cream from the counter, and came home.
I am so glad that I made good choices today. the decision to go to the meeting freed me up of the urge and the compulsion that was in the development stage. then all I had to deal with was insecurity, frustration, anger, and lonliness.
One day at a time. from the point of view of early evening, this day looks like a wonderful sucess to me now. it looked different at other points in the day.
thanks and blessings of kindness and love to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
well now a few hours later, from the point of view of the middle night...I'm pretty lonely and sad. my girl said that my insecurity was annoying her.
i'm also angry. i have dealt with her insecurity and problems extensively for the last 8 months of her life. i am very angry.
i need to direct my anger in the right place. the problem: it's the middle of the night and i got 4 hours until I start to get ready for work and I want to sleep but can't rest because right now love stinks
I don't want to do anything rash but i am wondering if i should move out now, a whole 2 weeks after my lease at my apartment expired and i commited to living with my girl.
oh god of the universe, whatever god is....please help me be kind and loving. I'm very frustrated and lonely and angry. I don't want to use. i simply don't want to go there. i simply don't want to use. but i'm hurting pretty good right now. help me to continue living my life in a new direction no matter what. help me to follow the will ovf the universe no matter what. If i am to stay then may I create what's right and get beyond my pettiness and selfishness and self-centered-thinking and obsession of self. help me let go of gealousy and spite. help me to see the pain in others, in my girl, and help me to feel that pain and tol understand and to have compassion for her pains and the burdens of all of us who live today. those who are starving and those who have no place to live. I have been so lucky. been given so much. had so many hundreds of second chances. If it was by merit, i would perhaps have nothing at all. but i'm rich by the styandards of history and by my own standards. help me not to compare. help me to love and to look for the good in everything. help me see that good comes forth from pain and from mistakes and from waste and from pollution and from strife. help me un;iverser to have patience and understanding. help me to be a better father. i've had my good moments, but i'm not consistent. help me to be consisten=t and to say the right honest direction and loving kindness to my children, to my friends, to my girl. I don't know what this moments holds. I expect to understand too much and to think that i know what is going to happen in the future. in the big picture i know so very little. but I do have heart. i have love in me. i am a tender loving and compasssionate man. I am not afraid of hugging. I don't seem to cry much but i'm not even afraid of that. I seem to be afraid to live....I seem to be afraid to let my real wonderful spirit of light shine. I seem to want to settle for mediocracy no matter how much i've tried. please make me tired tonight. I know it don't work that way. I know you don't come down and zap us when we ask for things....even things that seem right, like right actions. i know that i have to take action and make choices. i pray for the strength from the brilliant light withing me that comes from this un-understandable existence i'm living that i didn't ask for but just ended up here...i pray for the strength to begin to try and to learn how to shine and to let others shine in front of me. i pray to stop =putting out the fire of love in others. I pray for change, well that's an easy one because change is coming. it's inevitable. i pray for right change. i pray for peace without and within....or from within and without. i pray for openmindedness. i pray that i never never never use or drink or take pills ever again. i pray that i hear these prayers and i pray that the universe hears these prayers. i know that things will work out and that i will be able to say, when i die, that i finally lived after a very difficult and long beginning. i know that i will make it in recovery and that i will receive all the help that i create the opportunity for around me. and I will learn from the hurts and i will grow. i don't want to let go of my life and at the same time i really don't live much. I've been a follower until i've gone off on my own and spread chaos. I want to be glue that helps to begin to hold us all together and to do my own small part.
i feel a little better god. budda. universe... whatever. and i'm grateful for that and for the pain and for my mistakes and i want to receive this gratitude anmd to returnm it 10 fold with love and service for as much of my remaining life. I'm tired of being tired and lonely and spiteful and judgemental and hateful and worried about others getting ahead of me in traffic or angry at those who ride 5 feet behind me. I'm ready to let this go. how lonely it would be if i was the only one driving down the roads on my way to and from work where no one was either.
good night
i'm also angry. i have dealt with her insecurity and problems extensively for the last 8 months of her life. i am very angry.
i need to direct my anger in the right place. the problem: it's the middle of the night and i got 4 hours until I start to get ready for work and I want to sleep but can't rest because right now love stinks
I don't want to do anything rash but i am wondering if i should move out now, a whole 2 weeks after my lease at my apartment expired and i commited to living with my girl.
oh god of the universe, whatever god is....please help me be kind and loving. I'm very frustrated and lonely and angry. I don't want to use. i simply don't want to go there. i simply don't want to use. but i'm hurting pretty good right now. help me to continue living my life in a new direction no matter what. help me to follow the will ovf the universe no matter what. If i am to stay then may I create what's right and get beyond my pettiness and selfishness and self-centered-thinking and obsession of self. help me let go of gealousy and spite. help me to see the pain in others, in my girl, and help me to feel that pain and tol understand and to have compassion for her pains and the burdens of all of us who live today. those who are starving and those who have no place to live. I have been so lucky. been given so much. had so many hundreds of second chances. If it was by merit, i would perhaps have nothing at all. but i'm rich by the styandards of history and by my own standards. help me not to compare. help me to love and to look for the good in everything. help me see that good comes forth from pain and from mistakes and from waste and from pollution and from strife. help me un;iverser to have patience and understanding. help me to be a better father. i've had my good moments, but i'm not consistent. help me to be consisten=t and to say the right honest direction and loving kindness to my children, to my friends, to my girl. I don't know what this moments holds. I expect to understand too much and to think that i know what is going to happen in the future. in the big picture i know so very little. but I do have heart. i have love in me. i am a tender loving and compasssionate man. I am not afraid of hugging. I don't seem to cry much but i'm not even afraid of that. I seem to be afraid to live....I seem to be afraid to let my real wonderful spirit of light shine. I seem to want to settle for mediocracy no matter how much i've tried. please make me tired tonight. I know it don't work that way. I know you don't come down and zap us when we ask for things....even things that seem right, like right actions. i know that i have to take action and make choices. i pray for the strength from the brilliant light withing me that comes from this un-understandable existence i'm living that i didn't ask for but just ended up here...i pray for the strength to begin to try and to learn how to shine and to let others shine in front of me. i pray to stop =putting out the fire of love in others. I pray for change, well that's an easy one because change is coming. it's inevitable. i pray for right change. i pray for peace without and within....or from within and without. i pray for openmindedness. i pray that i never never never use or drink or take pills ever again. i pray that i hear these prayers and i pray that the universe hears these prayers. i know that things will work out and that i will be able to say, when i die, that i finally lived after a very difficult and long beginning. i know that i will make it in recovery and that i will receive all the help that i create the opportunity for around me. and I will learn from the hurts and i will grow. i don't want to let go of my life and at the same time i really don't live much. I've been a follower until i've gone off on my own and spread chaos. I want to be glue that helps to begin to hold us all together and to do my own small part.
i feel a little better god. budda. universe... whatever. and i'm grateful for that and for the pain and for my mistakes and i want to receive this gratitude anmd to returnm it 10 fold with love and service for as much of my remaining life. I'm tired of being tired and lonely and spiteful and judgemental and hateful and worried about others getting ahead of me in traffic or angry at those who ride 5 feet behind me. I'm ready to let this go. how lonely it would be if i was the only one driving down the roads on my way to and from work where no one was either.
good night
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