Aysha

Meaning me.

Something has been happening lately that I dont quite recognize.
As I posted in my tested thread. There was a guy that really disrespected me at my job. Initially my reaction was anger. Aggression. Wanting to cuss him out and literally punch him in the mouth. Then it really didnt take long for me to forget about it and let it slide. Next time he came in he ended up throwing a cup of coffee all over the floor. That was amusing. But still disrespectful. And di make me mad the more I thought about it. After I posted about it. I decided this loser was not worth getting me all worked up over an ignorant disrespectful jerk. And I got some good advice to just let it go and not let it bother me because thats what he is looking to do.
Today he comes in and I calmly tell him he is not allowed in the store when I am there. He acted like he didnt hear me at first. I said it again a little louder. He looks at me with his little punk dirty look and asks why. I sinply said becaus eyounare disrespectful and you eed to leave now or I will have you removed. He gave me a dirty look mumbled somthing under his breath as he stormed out.
I felt a little worried that this guy was going to be a problem maybe. Where I work is a small town and everyone knows everyone . I dont know anyone there because I dont live there. Never even been there til I started working there.
Anyway. About a half hour later I see hi pacing up and down the sidewalk looking distressed and like he was lost. On his cell phone walking in circles and it is pouring rain out. Like he had nowhere to be and noway to get there. He was in the rain for a good hour.
Somehting I never done before happened to me. I felt bad for him. I dont know what was goin on with him. May be nothing. But for some reason I felt bad for him. And I kept thinking..Karma. Thats what happens to people.
I have learned one thing. Most people like that will end up getting themselves. Nothing my anger could ever do will ever have the effect of someone screwing themselves out of pure Karma. What goes around comes around. Then I think. It must suck being a real ******* all the time.
I am very happy that I kept my cool and handled the situation like I did.
Not long ago I would have had a full blowb confrontation with this guy..probably lost my job and possibly landed in jail over something that stupid.
I know this a very long post over somehitng not worth a second of my time. But truth is it did bother me. It made me question myself in alot of ways for some reason. It made me want to go back to my old ways of uncivil behavior.
I am really trying hard not to be that person anymore. Alot of you know the aggression issues I came here with. I have come a very long way with the confrontational attitude..I think.
And I almost let some poor jerk take me right back to square one over somehting so silly. But then I felt bad for the guy. That is definately not how I would have done before. Not in the least.
Thats just the tip of the iceburg of alot of things I see myself doing that would never have come from me not too long ago.
Not using is the easy part in a way. It is the changes you make in yourself that really make the difference I think. I dont claim to be on top of my recovery. But I have put alot of thought and effort into who I am. Who I want to be. And mostly who I never want to be again.
Another pointless rant I guess.

Rusty Zipper

not pointless at all miss chiy...

perhaps, baby chiy is starting to grow up!

i did, at 48 years old! ugh!

good wishes lady!

love ya

rz

Toomutch

This is another step forward for you Chi. Your anger is not as intense as it once was or you would of gone off on the rude customer. You thought it out and let him know that he could not come into the store when you are there. This was a good decision because he sounds like he could be a danger.
Did you invite him back into the store? I am hoping not because I would be concerned if you did.
I would like to ask a question... What did you do to get your anger to deminish? Just curious.

Suzette

Aysha

I cant really tell you what I did.
I feel like soemone else. I am pretty patient with people lately. Me and the grams havent had even the littlest argument.
My job has had me working crazy hours. Before I wouldnt come in for someone else or wake up afetr only 2 hrs sleep and 5 hrs afetr getting finished with my last shift and go right back in and pull another 10 hrs for compassion to the other employee who is pulling the same crazy hours because 2 people want to be inconsiderate and not show up.
It is a good thing. But very alien to me.
I didnt put any htought into "Hey I think i will be a nice person today who can keeo their cool and think of others for once." It just happened that way.
But I feel confused..kinda unsure ..scared...But at the same time content and peaceful.
Make sense?
Also I have been crying over everything the past week. tears of joy..pain..sadness..relief..everything has made me cry. Movies..commercials..a little thought of times long gone.
I know it is all part of the process. But this is intense this time. I am wondering also why I am not craving. Especially when my grams was sick Tuesday. That always sends me over the edge. I feel like I am a siiting duck or something. Things just are not unfolding the way they usually do. And really ..every relapse and every attemt to recover becomes more different everytime. Not so much as far as the drugs. But as far as who I am becoming.
I dont know really..It is hard to explainand put into words. I just know this is not the person I have been in I cant even tell you how long. Its been many many years since I have been even a fraction of this person. It is good. But it makes me uneasy for some reason.
Like the big calm before the storm or something.

best

Trish,
When I posted how beautiful you are, I could see the goodness that was under the pain you had from addiction. It is nice that you are now seeing it as well.

What you see is only the tip of the iceburg. There is so much more to come.

As the good things in life come along...remember you are worth it and be sure to accept them rather then walk away from even more blessings.
Leopard seat coverings? Beginners treasures.
One day you will feel like the whole car is painted in a leopard suit.

You are worth it.

best

New ground. Till this day you have not been on this patch of ground yet.
Yes it is tough to put into words but I will try.
Best way I can explain it is ... I was starting to learn to like myself and then learned how to love myself...Because I am worth it.

Guess what?

You are also.

Aysha

Thank you..I really want to believe that.
I have spent so many wasted years not liking what I saw in the mirror. Not liking the person I became. Hating the fact that I was a spoiled little brat and had no consideration for anything or anyone.
My grams needs more than ever now as I do her. And I have spent my whole life messing hers up some way or another. I always say I would kill someone over her. And I would. But it's me who does the most damage to her too.
I want nothing more than to be able to make her proud of me. She is going to be 70 in Oct. I see age setting in. She cant be my super grams anymore. Typing that sentence right there just made me burst into tears.
I have a real hard time with her getting older. Because her getting older means she is that much closer to leaving me. I am so dependent on her it isnt even funny. I want to say it is pitiful. But to me it isnt. She is the reason I try. The reason I am not in a worse place from the day I was born. I need her. And I re4ally need to stop thinking about her dieing. I am completely obsessed with this. And I dont know why. Guilt? Regret? I dont know. But I need to stop it before I waste more time dwelling on unnecessary things and get to making the most of what I do have now and from here on out.
I cant take anything back from the past. I know that. But I can make a difference in the future. I just hope I can before it is too late.
I am an emotional basket case today. I really hate this part of the process. Plus I really need to get some rest.
I just have to get things out somehow. I am always honest with everything I post here. But I feel sometimes too much is going overboard.
I appreciate you guys. And this is always the place I come in times like these. Just to vent. Whether anyone reads..responds or not. It just feels better to put it down somewhere.

Hope

I can see a huge change in you lately Trish! It has been great watching you grow!

serenityqueen

((((Chiy))))

Sounds like you have taken a positive turn in your Recovery.

Are you aware that in neither post you didn't talk about your physical pain or the possible upcoming court date? I'm not sure if you are aware of that or not. Sounds like some acceptance is coming into your life " . . . accept the things I cannot change courage to changes the things that I can . . . "



As far as the tears, let em flow Sista! Sounds like a great deal of emotions that you haven't felt in so long are all coming to the surface because you aren't numbing them. Plus, you are growing in your Recovery. Lots of emotions are going to start popping up that you had no idea you could ever feel. Enjoy! Isn't it awesome to be able to feel them?

I'm anxiously awaiting for the day when you can look in the mirror and say, "You know what? I am a good person. I made some bad choices, but that was then and this is now. And the sure do love the woman I have become."

God Bless You Sweetie!
Judy

serenityqueen

(((Chiy)))

It's kinda ironic you mentioned something about seeing the person in the mirror. I was typing my reply to you when you had submitted this last post of yours.

Hmmmm . . .sounds like great minds think alike!

Love ya,
Judy

best

Would you like the person who handled things like you did today?
If you walked into that store and had seen her handle things like she did(like you did) would you say...way to go girl... and think good of her?
I know I would have had a smile if I was standing there seeing how well you handled things.

mle-sober

Chiynita,

I don't think recovery is just not drinking. I think it's a process. And I think it is radical transforation from a false self to a true self. At least that's what I'm experiencing. And what you are writing sounds very similar to me.

Trust your process and the inner part of you, your heart, to lead you right. Trust it and give it power. I know it's scary - you said it feels like it's all going to blow up. But it's scary because it true. And we are used to living in a world of falseness - that was necessary for us to protect our addictions. Now that we're not protecting our addictions, we are being given back, through Grace, our true selves.

You will be ok. You are doing the right things. And you are going in the right direction. It gets easier.

That's what I think, anyway.

- MLE

Done_With_It

Not pointless at all Chiy! I think it is a Fantabulous thing to recognize our growth, even better to share it with those who care about you.

You have grown in miles, I have seen it with my own eyes...

I agree, if we let things happen, they will as they should.
It's a good feeling when we are in that place of being able to do that.



I was in a situation about a week ago, where something really 'unfair'
happened to me, or I won't say 'to' me, it just happened....
I could have very easily had a Fit, and everyone told me to, because
I was 'Right'... But I've also learned to pick my battles, and my gut
feeling told me that this wasn't one of them, and to just let this one ride out.
The next day, and all day, I had people asking me, "How did you do that"??
I wouldn't have been able to be that calm, or ...... blah blah blah,,
I just smiled.... Inner Peace.... Is what I thought to myself....
Anyway, I think because of how I handled it, in the end, it ended up working
out 100% better for me in the end.....
Hard situation to explain.... But I think once we gain control over our emotions instead of letting them gain control over us, we have the world at our fingertips, so much more becomes available to us...


Keep trusting yourself Chiy, your doing great!! You've come a long way!
I'm Proud of you girl! :ghug3
You don't ever have to give anyone your power..... Remember that...2

Honu

It sounds to me like the hard edges are crumbling, and the real you is coming out. I think sometimes, when we are using, that we develop a wall, of protection? from other people. Sometimes it is anger, which is usually masking a fear of something. Trying to keep people away, and sometimes, it is exactly what we don't want.

Anyway, I think it sounds like HUGE progress!!! You're purging all the old crap out, and letting the beautiful person that you were intended to be, SHINE!

Congratulations! You are an inspiration!

Honu

Impurrfect

((((Trish))))

I think you are making such HUGE progress!!! You are finding ways of dealing with stuff, not using, and have come such a long way.

As far as the tears....just let them come. I have those days, sometimes several in a row. When I can't figure out why I'm crying, I usually realize it's because I am so grateful for the life I have....good and bad. Some people would think I'm crazy to be grateful for things like paying bills and getting old tickets taking care of, but I am.

Keep doing what you're doing, sweetie, 'cause you are really doing great!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy