It's like, why bother ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 37
It's like, why bother ...
I don't expect a silver bullet or even any answers. Nothing has helped so far so why should this change. So this is just a vent I guess.
I saw therapists for a year, a shrink, meds, I just got all that paid off and if I may say so it was a total waste of money. Oh, they diagnosed me with OCD, depression, co-dependant and something else I'm forgetting right now. All that, along with the notes from the therapist about my "extreme drinking" and my "refusal to get help" (which is not true) and now I can't even get health insurance. I was turned down by two companies. Thanks to my professional help, you ****ed my life up even worse. ....
Okay, yeah. I'm 2 weeks sober today, so what. I have no life, no friends. I go to work and essentially do nothing there. The clock rolls over to 5pm and I go home eat something, watch tv, go to bed and do it all over again. I hate going anywhere. I used to enjoy going to a bar after work but now that's out. I used to enjoy photoghaphy but now it just seems like a chore.
My second wife who I loved dearly had an affair and left me for her boyfriend. She moved out in March of 06. My therapist thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder but enough with the labels and what does it matter now anyway. She's happy, I stumbled across their vacation photos on the same site that I use. Kissing smiling, just wonderful, makes me sick to my stomach after the hell she put me through with the affair. She doesn't realize, or doesn't care that she smashed my life, my dreams and hopes into million little pieces with zero hope of ever putting it all back together. She was young and pretty, at 51 all the women who show an interest in me look like my grandma. Call me shallow, it's okay, I've been called that before.
My son is down from Chicago staying with me to help me out with my business. He was rightfully worried about me and my drinking. I hope him staying here doesn't cause problems between him and his fiance. He does know I'm depressed but he doesn't realize how low I feel, I fake it pretty well. His mother, my first wife, died from years of prescription drug abuse and he doesn't want to loose another parent. I'm probably holding on to try to save him more heartache. It was hard on him and his sister to loose their mom like that. They were in their late teens when she died. I pretty much raised both kids by myself as their mom was mostly MIA from the time they were toddlers.
I know I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself. I've tried to pull myself out of this but it just hasn't worked. Yeah, get out and do things, get a hobby, whatever. I just don't know. I just want to isolate, go home and pull the curtains. I want to pick up today but probably won't. Memories of the last three times I detoxed hopefully will keep me from it.
I don't really have a point here, as I said, just a vent.........
Doug
I saw therapists for a year, a shrink, meds, I just got all that paid off and if I may say so it was a total waste of money. Oh, they diagnosed me with OCD, depression, co-dependant and something else I'm forgetting right now. All that, along with the notes from the therapist about my "extreme drinking" and my "refusal to get help" (which is not true) and now I can't even get health insurance. I was turned down by two companies. Thanks to my professional help, you ****ed my life up even worse. ....
Okay, yeah. I'm 2 weeks sober today, so what. I have no life, no friends. I go to work and essentially do nothing there. The clock rolls over to 5pm and I go home eat something, watch tv, go to bed and do it all over again. I hate going anywhere. I used to enjoy going to a bar after work but now that's out. I used to enjoy photoghaphy but now it just seems like a chore.
My second wife who I loved dearly had an affair and left me for her boyfriend. She moved out in March of 06. My therapist thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder but enough with the labels and what does it matter now anyway. She's happy, I stumbled across their vacation photos on the same site that I use. Kissing smiling, just wonderful, makes me sick to my stomach after the hell she put me through with the affair. She doesn't realize, or doesn't care that she smashed my life, my dreams and hopes into million little pieces with zero hope of ever putting it all back together. She was young and pretty, at 51 all the women who show an interest in me look like my grandma. Call me shallow, it's okay, I've been called that before.
My son is down from Chicago staying with me to help me out with my business. He was rightfully worried about me and my drinking. I hope him staying here doesn't cause problems between him and his fiance. He does know I'm depressed but he doesn't realize how low I feel, I fake it pretty well. His mother, my first wife, died from years of prescription drug abuse and he doesn't want to loose another parent. I'm probably holding on to try to save him more heartache. It was hard on him and his sister to loose their mom like that. They were in their late teens when she died. I pretty much raised both kids by myself as their mom was mostly MIA from the time they were toddlers.
I know I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself. I've tried to pull myself out of this but it just hasn't worked. Yeah, get out and do things, get a hobby, whatever. I just don't know. I just want to isolate, go home and pull the curtains. I want to pick up today but probably won't. Memories of the last three times I detoxed hopefully will keep me from it.
I don't really have a point here, as I said, just a vent.........
Doug
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! Glad you decided to post how you are feeling right now. You have halped me. Thank you. I'm going through some of the same things myself. It helps just knowing I am not alone in how I feel. Hang in there! There is hope! Just don't pick up a drink--just for today. God bless! 
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Thank you for opening up.
Life can be lived fully and enjoyed in recovery. I understand the trying thing. You feel like you tried and yet nothing happened. But remember it's still early recovery. You have 2 weeks, it's such a great thing, but you're still growing into your new life. It might take some time and some more action, but things will be good for you....
Life can be lived fully and enjoyed in recovery. I understand the trying thing. You feel like you tried and yet nothing happened. But remember it's still early recovery. You have 2 weeks, it's such a great thing, but you're still growing into your new life. It might take some time and some more action, but things will be good for you....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: norfolk
Posts: 2
hope you stick with the no drinking thats a good one to start with and take each day as it comes you family will be so hapy that you are not drinking i dont have any great advice for you really but you must stop wrecking your life and famliy members as it has a great affect on them we all have **** days but you have to get through them best you can and on the hole things can be boring but look for things you like to do and get positive
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi again Doug....
2 weeks of your new life is way too soon to explore
all the awesome experiences that can be yours.
I was 53 when I finally quit drinking and it was the wisest
move I ever made. This can be true for you as well.
Get out that camera and start to enjoy Spring!
Find a local AA meeting and make new sober friends.
Turn off the TV and start getting physically active.
Best wishes on your new sobriety...
2 weeks of your new life is way too soon to explore
all the awesome experiences that can be yours.
I was 53 when I finally quit drinking and it was the wisest
move I ever made. This can be true for you as well.
Get out that camera and start to enjoy Spring!
Find a local AA meeting and make new sober friends.
Turn off the TV and start getting physically active.
Best wishes on your new sobriety...
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
DES,
I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. You are doing something incredibly courageous by not drinking. And it sounds like you've been through some really bad times. You've got 2 weeks sober? That's a huge feat. My first 4 weeks were so, so difficult. It sounds as if you're not really giving yourself credit for this. Two weeks is a big deal. Especially when you're depressed and isolating. You know that your isolating is making it harder, not easier, right? Even getting outside and walking - even without interacting with others - is helpful right now.
You start off your post by saying that you don't even expect a solution, essentially. That's a sure way not to get one. Solutions and resolutions begin with hope. Or even the desire to claim a little bit of hope in your life. If you lose even the desire for hope, you are doing yourself an enormous diservice. How can life treat you better if you do not even claim the desire for life to treat you better? Here is a quote I really love from Vaclav Havel, the author and playwright who helped to carry the Czech Republic to freedom and later became their President:
Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. It is hope, above all, which gives us the strength to live and continually try new things.
BTW: If your wife left you for someone she had an affair with, I would bet her life will continue to be filled with adultry and chaos. Your best revenge is to find a ray of hope in your own intentions, and live soberly with integrity and peace. Joy will arrive when you do that.
That's what I think. That, and also AA is an amazing resource.
Sending you prayers and HOPE
- MLE
I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. You are doing something incredibly courageous by not drinking. And it sounds like you've been through some really bad times. You've got 2 weeks sober? That's a huge feat. My first 4 weeks were so, so difficult. It sounds as if you're not really giving yourself credit for this. Two weeks is a big deal. Especially when you're depressed and isolating. You know that your isolating is making it harder, not easier, right? Even getting outside and walking - even without interacting with others - is helpful right now.
You start off your post by saying that you don't even expect a solution, essentially. That's a sure way not to get one. Solutions and resolutions begin with hope. Or even the desire to claim a little bit of hope in your life. If you lose even the desire for hope, you are doing yourself an enormous diservice. How can life treat you better if you do not even claim the desire for life to treat you better? Here is a quote I really love from Vaclav Havel, the author and playwright who helped to carry the Czech Republic to freedom and later became their President:
Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. It is hope, above all, which gives us the strength to live and continually try new things.
BTW: If your wife left you for someone she had an affair with, I would bet her life will continue to be filled with adultry and chaos. Your best revenge is to find a ray of hope in your own intentions, and live soberly with integrity and peace. Joy will arrive when you do that.
That's what I think. That, and also AA is an amazing resource.
Sending you prayers and HOPE
- MLE
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi DES,
Thank you for being so generous with your share. I am sorry that you are finding things difficult, but do echo what Carol has said about going to a meeting and making some sober friends. AA gave me sobriety, taught me how to live without alcohol, and also provided a host of sober friends who understand what it's like to be an alcoholic. As difficult as it is, I hope you find the courage to reach and out take action.
Thank you for being so generous with your share. I am sorry that you are finding things difficult, but do echo what Carol has said about going to a meeting and making some sober friends. AA gave me sobriety, taught me how to live without alcohol, and also provided a host of sober friends who understand what it's like to be an alcoholic. As difficult as it is, I hope you find the courage to reach and out take action.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
options
Sounds like it's not fun to be living in your skin these days. Sobriety without any solution is a miserable place for me, I don't like it.
Like previous posters, AA has changed my life and got me connected to a power greater than myself that has done the impossible, I am completely different and comfortable with who and what I am, I have peace of mind, and I have purpose to my life. If this appeals to you at all, perhaps you may consider AA as an option. Just going to meetings didn't do it for me, I had to work the program, which is the 12 steps laid out in the basic text. Whatever you decide I wish you well.
One last thought, the law of subtraction suggests that if you remove something (in your case drinking) something must be added, if not, a vaccum within you is created, this emptiness drives us to the bottle or the gun, if you are at all like me you know this place and understand, it doesn't have to be like this.
Like previous posters, AA has changed my life and got me connected to a power greater than myself that has done the impossible, I am completely different and comfortable with who and what I am, I have peace of mind, and I have purpose to my life. If this appeals to you at all, perhaps you may consider AA as an option. Just going to meetings didn't do it for me, I had to work the program, which is the 12 steps laid out in the basic text. Whatever you decide I wish you well.
One last thought, the law of subtraction suggests that if you remove something (in your case drinking) something must be added, if not, a vaccum within you is created, this emptiness drives us to the bottle or the gun, if you are at all like me you know this place and understand, it doesn't have to be like this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Western Australia, Australia
Posts: 7
Like previous posters, I would definitely recommend going to AA and meeting other people who are, or who have been, in the same situation as you. It's good not to feel so alone. Meetings give you something to do, as well, to get out of the house for a while. Even if I don't want to go at first, I always feel better after a meeting. At meetings you can learn more about the 12-step program which, for me, has changed my life and it can for you too. Getting connected with a Higher Power helps me from feeling so lonely too. But yeah, going to AA is definitely the first step.
God Bless, best wishes, recovery is possible.
God Bless, best wishes, recovery is possible.
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