Honu

My plans were: Get married at 21, kids, happy life.

I'm 48, not married, no kids (except my dog, which is my fur-child). I did NOT see myself where I am now. I'm wondering what I am supposed to be here for, why I was born, why I did the things that got myself into this "mess", many unanswered questions. I think I need to stop trying to answer the "why's", and just focus on what I can do today.

I get overwhelmed, get sad, have a pity party, say, "who cares?", and before I know it, I'm picking up a bottle of wine, and the rest is a repeat of years of history.

Someone on here said, "Don't let your story end with a struggle with alcohol". I don't know why that pops up as the "solution" every time, when I KNOW better.

I don't know why we all just can't stop. We know we should. We know what happens when we give in, and that life would be better if we stopped.

That's the insanity. Maybe, I don't think I deserve to have a happy life? I do know that I don't know how to "feel good about myself". I am much more comfortable beating myself up, living in my pit. It's what I know.

I know, too, that I want my life to be better. I don't want the rest of my life to be like the previous. I am looking forward to changing, if I can only learn how to let it go!, trust that it will be OK, and not go back to the God Box and get it back.....

Am I making any sense?

Honu

Hope

Honu, that made perfect sense.

I ask myself that all of the time. I am filled with the "whys" but like you said, we should just focus on what we can do today. That is where I always fall short. I'm always worried about what is behind me and what is ahead of me and I trip all over the present. I need to focus on now and let the past stay in the past and focus on my life now.

No amount of wishing or hoping will ever change the past. If I spend my life wondering "what if" all of that wouldn't have happened, then I'm interfering with my peace of mind right now.

Our mistakes in the past are what we did, it does not define who we are.

ANGELINA243

You got to learn how to separate your "Who" from your "Do". Like you said..what you "do" (or have done) does not have to define "Who" you are/the person you can become.

Hope

Very true.

It took me a looong time to realize that.

I still have to remind myself of that often when those feelings of guilt come back.

Honu

Stay Strong, girl!!!

Honu

barb dwyer

HI -

Here's how an old timer put it to me when I was still detoxing.

put the palm of your hand at the end of your nose.

oh, c'mon do it.
nobody's looking.

ok...

everything ... from the back of your hand out ...
is probably someting you cannot do anything about.

everything ... from the palm of your hand ... INWARD ...
is probably something you CAN so something about.

That's where the steps happen.

I dunno.
That teeny little thing ...
has really helped me stay sober.

the rest of it -
is practice.

Hope

Barb, that is really great. I'll need to keep doing that!

Daddio

I am constantly putting a smile on God's face. Not because I'm a witty Southerner, but because I want him to see my plan. We have a good time with it after that.

I personally have not attended AA as it appears that most of the posters at this site have. I feel that it has not been necessary [for me] because of my strong faith in God and what He has done and continues to do for me. It works for me. But you have to come to those decisions for yourself.

And hey, at least you have plans.....

Daddio

lilbit

Sounds good to me....just don't drink for today...all day...one day at a time!

Anna

Sending hugs your way, Hope!

Hope

So far so good. Things appear to be working out for my summer classes. I will focus on them for now and go from there. I'll take care of the fall stuff in July. Focusing on the present right now.

I went and got a haircut today and I love it! It is so cute!

barb dwyer

nothing like a good hair day!

Glad to hear it for you Hope...the 'eternal NOW' is the place to be, it seems.