So scared...first post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 49
So scared...first post
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking on this site for about a week and it's AMAZING!! So many great stories of recovery, it gives me hope. I have so much to say but i'll try to keep it short. I'm an alcoholic, no time under my belt. Trying everyday. I've been in the ER twice, two years ago for alcohol withdrawl, trying to stop. I drank about a bottle of vodka a day. I finally went to a 30 day rehab and was sober for a couple months. Relapsed, went back to detox twice. I still drank, not as much. I got pregnant and stopped drinking. I have no clue how I did it, but I did. I had the best year of my life last year, not drinking, enjoying my pregnancy. It was wonderful. My daughter was born in Dec of 07 and almost immediately I started drinking again. I had 14 weeks of maternity leave and got so board I started drinking wine and beer. Haven't touched vodka but it doesn't matter. The drinking got worse and now i'm back at work for two months and need to drink almost everyday. I've gone a day here and there without drinking and felt good...then the withdrawl starts. Not as bad as i've had, i've had DT's...now I just feel the night sweats, not sleeping, pissed off all the time. So I drink the wine again. I'm so scared becasue my health is at steak. I've lost weight, not eating...I feel sick all the time when i'm not drinking. I have crazy anxiety. I manage to live everyday, going to work, taking care of my 5 month old baby. I'm at the end of my rope!! I feel like I want to crawl under a hole for a week and detox...but I can't. How do I get through this without going crazy. My hubsand is a functioning alcohol...which is awful because he bring beer in the house. But I know it's my fault for drinking it. I'm wondering how people get through those first days...if anyone has had health issue because of drinking. My doctor told me last year I can't drink anymore because my liver is suffereing. Yet it doesn't stop me?? I don't want to die!! I love my daughter more then my life and the only thing keeping me going is knowing that she is here. I feel alone and scared. I want to stop SO bad!! I stopped for my whole pregnancy, why can't I stop now?? This is my first post so thank you for letting me vent. This is the best site and I will be here everyday. Many of these posts give me hope for the future. Thank you.
I've been lurking on this site for about a week and it's AMAZING!! So many great stories of recovery, it gives me hope. I have so much to say but i'll try to keep it short. I'm an alcoholic, no time under my belt. Trying everyday. I've been in the ER twice, two years ago for alcohol withdrawl, trying to stop. I drank about a bottle of vodka a day. I finally went to a 30 day rehab and was sober for a couple months. Relapsed, went back to detox twice. I still drank, not as much. I got pregnant and stopped drinking. I have no clue how I did it, but I did. I had the best year of my life last year, not drinking, enjoying my pregnancy. It was wonderful. My daughter was born in Dec of 07 and almost immediately I started drinking again. I had 14 weeks of maternity leave and got so board I started drinking wine and beer. Haven't touched vodka but it doesn't matter. The drinking got worse and now i'm back at work for two months and need to drink almost everyday. I've gone a day here and there without drinking and felt good...then the withdrawl starts. Not as bad as i've had, i've had DT's...now I just feel the night sweats, not sleeping, pissed off all the time. So I drink the wine again. I'm so scared becasue my health is at steak. I've lost weight, not eating...I feel sick all the time when i'm not drinking. I have crazy anxiety. I manage to live everyday, going to work, taking care of my 5 month old baby. I'm at the end of my rope!! I feel like I want to crawl under a hole for a week and detox...but I can't. How do I get through this without going crazy. My hubsand is a functioning alcohol...which is awful because he bring beer in the house. But I know it's my fault for drinking it. I'm wondering how people get through those first days...if anyone has had health issue because of drinking. My doctor told me last year I can't drink anymore because my liver is suffereing. Yet it doesn't stop me?? I don't want to die!! I love my daughter more then my life and the only thing keeping me going is knowing that she is here. I feel alone and scared. I want to stop SO bad!! I stopped for my whole pregnancy, why can't I stop now?? This is my first post so thank you for letting me vent. This is the best site and I will be here everyday. Many of these posts give me hope for the future. Thank you.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
all I Can't tell you is if you plan on getting sober do this
for your self,you deserve it Kiddo.
we all deserve to live a new life with out the use of Alcohol
But remember, "It Stars with you and it Ends with you"
only you could make it happened.
for your self,you deserve it Kiddo.
we all deserve to live a new life with out the use of Alcohol
But remember, "It Stars with you and it Ends with you"
only you could make it happened.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Blue,
I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I think at this stage, you're going to have a lot of people telling you that you need to see your doctor. At least it sounds like that to me. Having had a baby only 5 months ago, having experienced dts before, having your doctor tell you your liver isn't working as well as it should - I think you really need a doctor to help guide you through the first stage of sobriety.
That being said, you should know that it really is possible to quit drinking. I tried and tried on my own and couldn't do it. But when I made the desperate decision to get help, I was able to quit. It felt (and was, to me) like a miracle. I have a little over 3 months sober and I cannot believe it when I stop and think about it. I drank seriously for 20 years. It defined me in some ways. But here I am - still alive and sober.
I'm glad you're here. You can do this.
- MLE
I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I think at this stage, you're going to have a lot of people telling you that you need to see your doctor. At least it sounds like that to me. Having had a baby only 5 months ago, having experienced dts before, having your doctor tell you your liver isn't working as well as it should - I think you really need a doctor to help guide you through the first stage of sobriety.
That being said, you should know that it really is possible to quit drinking. I tried and tried on my own and couldn't do it. But when I made the desperate decision to get help, I was able to quit. It felt (and was, to me) like a miracle. I have a little over 3 months sober and I cannot believe it when I stop and think about it. I drank seriously for 20 years. It defined me in some ways. But here I am - still alive and sober.
I'm glad you're here. You can do this.
- MLE
Let go, let God.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 244
Welcome to SR Blue. I know what you're saying about stopping while pregnant, I did the same years ago. I remember saying in the delivery room to my husband, I want a stiff one when I get home and we all know here what I was referring to. I'm not sure of the explanation for this? How I could stop for that length of time. I do know I made up for lost time and escalated to today. So, like you, I got scared and realized I had to do something more then try on my own. That wasn't working at all. So, I've started in AA, people here convinced me that works best. That's all I know so far. You're not alone, just know that. Just reach out and someone will grab you here if you let them. That's a good start that I'm finding. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 49
Thank you for replying to my post. It means so much to me that others know how I feel. I do need to see a doctor, i'm so scared of the results! But I don't want to die! I know I was able to do it once, even if it was because of pregnancy. I want to get back to that time in my life. SO happy!! Thank you all for your posts and the support. I will contuine to read and post, it feels so good to finally get it out. I hope someday I will be on here giving my support with my sobriety. I want to help others, I just need to help myself first. Alcoholism is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with in my life! Again, thanks for the support!
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by Blue77 
I do need to see a doctor, i'm so scared of the results! But I don't want to die! I know I was able to do it once, even if it was because of pregnancy. I want to get back to that time in my life. SO happy!!
Many alcoholics have had to do many things that seem scary at the time but are necessary to begin sobriety. Go see a doctor, ask for help. There is too much at stake. In retrospect, it may turn out to be one of the best things you have done in your life. You can find that happiness again. Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Blue, as you expected, people are suggesting that you talk to your dr. I do know how scary it is and I remember vividly being in the spot you're in. I wanted to stop but was so afraid of dealing with my health and my life, I couldn't imagine getting through it. Just take it step by step. Talk to your dr and get his advice about detoxing. Then go from there. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Just wanted to say Welcome to you! 
there is a lot of support here please keep posting-People with a lot more support than I can give will be along ....Prayers to you!
there is a lot of support here please keep posting-People with a lot more support than I can give will be along ....Prayers to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 16
Hi Blue and welcome,
I too wondered how I could stop during both of my preganancies. My second child I managed to not drink for 6 months after birth because I nursed. But She did not wean til she was 2 1/2 years old and I still drank. By the grace of God she is okay....but that is where my drinking took me. I now have 6 months but I have been trying to quit for two years. In out in out of the program. I got to the point where I had more fear of the first 30 days of sobriety then the actual drinking. Each time I quit the first 30 days were hell. The last time I was out it took me 7 months to come back in to AA. At that point I was completely broke spiritually, physically, emtionally. What I realized is that one of the reasons I maintained this fascade of doing what I needed to do( work, take care of kids, and house) was to protect my right to drink. I thought as long as I took care of XYZ I was controlling my drinking and managing my life.
Today and just for today I feel peace. My sponsor has been key to my sobriety what she helped me to do at the begininng of sobriety was to stay in THIS 24 hours and not project....which sound simple but it was the hardest thing for me to do....but it worked for me.
I do not regret my past now....it's what I needed to be more willing. I have found that willingness is the key, as long as I stay willing I have a shot at a better life. The benefits of my sobriety today are that I don't have as much anxiety....I have learned how to use the tools at my feet to quiet the committee in my head. The bottle is no longer an option for me to cope with life on life terms.
The 12 steps of AA has been a path that works for me and I cling to it like a life raft Some have said don't do it for your kids but at first I did,,, now I do it for me. I am SOOOO grateful that today I am sober....I enjoy my children now, they enjoy me another benefit of sobriety.
I could relate to your sharing alot . My husband and I drank alot together......last week he picked up his first 24 hour chip but for 2 years I did this on my own ( trying to get sober) But this is a family diesease. Drunk or not the whole family needs help. Please find a meeting in your area because there is a solution. If you do make it to a meeting listen to the "Promises"
I too wondered how I could stop during both of my preganancies. My second child I managed to not drink for 6 months after birth because I nursed. But She did not wean til she was 2 1/2 years old and I still drank. By the grace of God she is okay....but that is where my drinking took me. I now have 6 months but I have been trying to quit for two years. In out in out of the program. I got to the point where I had more fear of the first 30 days of sobriety then the actual drinking. Each time I quit the first 30 days were hell. The last time I was out it took me 7 months to come back in to AA. At that point I was completely broke spiritually, physically, emtionally. What I realized is that one of the reasons I maintained this fascade of doing what I needed to do( work, take care of kids, and house) was to protect my right to drink. I thought as long as I took care of XYZ I was controlling my drinking and managing my life.
Today and just for today I feel peace. My sponsor has been key to my sobriety what she helped me to do at the begininng of sobriety was to stay in THIS 24 hours and not project....which sound simple but it was the hardest thing for me to do....but it worked for me.
I do not regret my past now....it's what I needed to be more willing. I have found that willingness is the key, as long as I stay willing I have a shot at a better life. The benefits of my sobriety today are that I don't have as much anxiety....I have learned how to use the tools at my feet to quiet the committee in my head. The bottle is no longer an option for me to cope with life on life terms.
The 12 steps of AA has been a path that works for me and I cling to it like a life raft Some have said don't do it for your kids but at first I did,,, now I do it for me. I am SOOOO grateful that today I am sober....I enjoy my children now, they enjoy me another benefit of sobriety.
I could relate to your sharing alot . My husband and I drank alot together......last week he picked up his first 24 hour chip but for 2 years I did this on my own ( trying to get sober) But this is a family diesease. Drunk or not the whole family needs help. Please find a meeting in your area because there is a solution. If you do make it to a meeting listen to the "Promises"
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Blue.
The most important thing I found that helped me get and stay sober was HONESTY!
I first had to be honest with myself that my drinking was going to kill me and I had to stop. Sounds like you have that part down!
Next thing I had to do was be honest enough with myself to admit I did not and could not get sober alone!
What I did next is what I would suggest you do. I was totally honest with the doctor when I saw him, I let him know how much I drank every day, how long I had drank, and how it was affecting me. He said I needed to be medically detoxed, I followed his direction.
Willingness as Kari says was the second thing for me, I had to be willing to do what ever it took for me to get and stay sober!!!! I was!
I went into detox willingly!
In detox they told me that if I wanted a chance to stay sober after I left there I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
I was willing to go to AA and get a sponsor, but I told my conselor in detox there was no way I could do 90 meetings in 90 days, that I worked full time and had a family! He asked me to just devote as much time to AA and my recovery as I did to my drinking...... well I was willing to do that and I did more then 90 meetings in 90 days!! LOL
Look I know you have a young child, but I can tell you that you and your baby will be more then a welcome addition to an AA meeting, as a matter of fact babies tend to get a little spoiled in meetings, last night a lady brought her 2 week old daughter in with her and half of the meeting one of the old timers was holding her baby grinning from ear to ear!!!!
I found the solution to my 40 years of drinking in the rooms and steps of AA because I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. What I found in those rooms was life!!!! Freedom from alcohol and a way to life my life on lifes terms happily and sober.
There are other programs out there if you decide AA is not for you, but I highly reccommend you find a program of some sort and WORK it! There is no reason to battle this beast I call alcoholism alone, a lot of people die trying to fight it alone. The battle is easier with a program of recovery.
The most important thing I found that helped me get and stay sober was HONESTY!
I first had to be honest with myself that my drinking was going to kill me and I had to stop. Sounds like you have that part down!
Next thing I had to do was be honest enough with myself to admit I did not and could not get sober alone!
What I did next is what I would suggest you do. I was totally honest with the doctor when I saw him, I let him know how much I drank every day, how long I had drank, and how it was affecting me. He said I needed to be medically detoxed, I followed his direction.
Willingness as Kari says was the second thing for me, I had to be willing to do what ever it took for me to get and stay sober!!!! I was!
I went into detox willingly!
In detox they told me that if I wanted a chance to stay sober after I left there I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
I was willing to go to AA and get a sponsor, but I told my conselor in detox there was no way I could do 90 meetings in 90 days, that I worked full time and had a family! He asked me to just devote as much time to AA and my recovery as I did to my drinking...... well I was willing to do that and I did more then 90 meetings in 90 days!! LOL
Look I know you have a young child, but I can tell you that you and your baby will be more then a welcome addition to an AA meeting, as a matter of fact babies tend to get a little spoiled in meetings, last night a lady brought her 2 week old daughter in with her and half of the meeting one of the old timers was holding her baby grinning from ear to ear!!!!
I found the solution to my 40 years of drinking in the rooms and steps of AA because I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. What I found in those rooms was life!!!! Freedom from alcohol and a way to life my life on lifes terms happily and sober.
There are other programs out there if you decide AA is not for you, but I highly reccommend you find a program of some sort and WORK it! There is no reason to battle this beast I call alcoholism alone, a lot of people die trying to fight it alone. The battle is easier with a program of recovery.
Certified Scrabble Cheat!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The Hill City, MS
Posts: 316
Welcome to the site Blue. I know that you can feel the love. Do yourself a great big, huge favor. Call your doctor today to get this process rolling. You will be so glad that you did. And tell hubby that although he may be a "functioning alcoholic", you are not and some new rules will need to be established. I don't have a partner anymore, so some of these other fine folks can help you with that. But please, for the sake of your precious life do it today.
I went to the doctor not because I was a drunk, but because of my age. You know that mid-life thang for guys. I felt like a wimp at first then realized that I wasn't it at all. I just knew that the old filter was gonna be trash. I was lucky. But there was no way to know until all the tests were complete.
Take it from me. 570 days (49,248,000 seconds) and counting - my blessings that is.
Daddio
I went to the doctor not because I was a drunk, but because of my age. You know that mid-life thang for guys. I felt like a wimp at first then realized that I wasn't it at all. I just knew that the old filter was gonna be trash. I was lucky. But there was no way to know until all the tests were complete.
Take it from me. 570 days (49,248,000 seconds) and counting - my blessings that is.
Daddio
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Welcome!
You have taken a courageous step.
I hope you quit for yourself. Not for your daughter, or even your health. I hope you quit because your life is unmanageable, as mine was. My drinking affected not one thing, but everything! Relationships, health, and most importantly, my sanity. As your mind heals, you will see this. You will continually take notice of areas of your life that were affected but not apparent. This has been a most unpleasant but pleasant surprise for me.
warren
You have taken a courageous step.
I hope you quit for yourself. Not for your daughter, or even your health. I hope you quit because your life is unmanageable, as mine was. My drinking affected not one thing, but everything! Relationships, health, and most importantly, my sanity. As your mind heals, you will see this. You will continually take notice of areas of your life that were affected but not apparent. This has been a most unpleasant but pleasant surprise for me.
warren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 49
Thank you, everyone, for replying to me. I feel so much support from people I have never met. But knowing that people care means everything to me. I’m going to take the advice…I’m calling my doctor today. I’m so scared. But knowing is better than not knowing. I’m hoping my doctor can give me some medication or something to help, maybe with withdrawal and the depression I feel. I cannot do this on my own. I’m not strong enough, right now at least. I’m going to go to an AA meeting, I’ve been before but I need it now more than ever. And I want to work the steps, something i've never done before. Thank you all for sharing your stories and for your words of encouragement. This site has been so helpful to me. I look forward everyday to reading posts from everyone. Just hearing that people have been where I am right now, and still managed to recover, that’s amazing. I’m lost right now but I know I’m a good person, and I have to get that person back. For me and my family…my health is my number one concern right now, both physical and mental. I woke up this morning and felt like I was going crazy…anxiety, fear, I felt like I was losing it, for the first time. They say this disease will either kill you, put you in jail, or in a mental hospital. And for the first time in my life I felt I may need the mental hospital. I can’t do this to myself any longer. I want my life back. Thank you all…I will keep posting and reading through my journey of recovery! I may fall down but I pray that I have the will to keep at it. I want to live a sober life. Sobriety is my #1 priority right now. That's all I think about.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Good first steps. Acceptance followed by willingness followed by a plan... Folks here can help with the plan. If we can do it, you can do it. You are not any worse than we were (are).
You know, Blue, alcoholics are the best people I've known. And I have deep experience. Some of us may act crazy, angry, or immature, but most of us feel more deeply than others. Just my unscientific opinion. I think that we feel so deeply that it sometimes causes us to want to numb those feelings and we fall prey to the bottle.
It is the insidious nature of addiction that it causes us to abandon our deeply felt standards of behavior.
warren
I’m lost right now but I know I’m a good person, and I have to get that person back.
It is the insidious nature of addiction that it causes us to abandon our deeply felt standards of behavior.
warren
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 488
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. I'm SO GLAD you decided to post. You've taken a step in the right direction. You do probably need to see a doctor. But coming here is also a very good way to relieve yourself of some of your anxiety and pain. You may also want to check out AA or another recovery program. Do everything you can to get and stay sober.
I especially know how hard it is to keep from drinking when you have a husband who drinks. I've been married for 14 years and the biggest thing my husband and I have in common (besides our kids) is drinking. So it's hard when the beer is in the refrigerator and he's drinking, or worse, already drunk.
Just keep remembering how good it felt to be sober when you were pregnant and when you were nursing. You can and WILL get there again. Just have faith.
I especially know how hard it is to keep from drinking when you have a husband who drinks. I've been married for 14 years and the biggest thing my husband and I have in common (besides our kids) is drinking. So it's hard when the beer is in the refrigerator and he's drinking, or worse, already drunk.
Just keep remembering how good it felt to be sober when you were pregnant and when you were nursing. You can and WILL get there again. Just have faith.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: FL
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Blue77
Thank you, everyone, for replying to me. I feel so much support from people I have never met. But knowing that people care means everything to me. I’m going to take the advice…I’m calling my doctor today. I’m so scared. But knowing is better than not knowing. I’m hoping my doctor can give me some medication or something to help, maybe with withdrawal and the depression I feel. I cannot do this on my own. I’m not strong enough, right now at least. I’m going to go to an AA meeting, I’ve been before but I need it now more than ever. And I want to work the steps, something i've never done before. I want to live a sober life. Sobriety is my #1 priority right now. That's all I think about.
Oh, and I can tell you, I felt more or less insane when I had my last drink 41 days ago....the disease and physical/mental addiction will really wreak havoc with ya!
Keep coming back! Please!
Karen
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