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Old 05-07-2008, 04:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I surrender


Hi everyone,

I'm still struggling to pull up out of my relapse.

I seem to have one good day, starting over again, and then the next day I drink, and so it goes on. I've received so much good advice on this site and at AA - why oh why can't I put it into practice? What's wrong with me?

I just want to surrender to the fact that I am powerless over alcohol. It feels like the enemy doesn't want me to surrender so that it can keep attacking me and damaging me. I'm so tired of this war with alcohol, I just want to surrender and never engage the enemy again...

Thanks for being there. I'm so glad that days are just 24 hours long, so that it's not too long to wait before I can try to start over again...

PB
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Old 05-07-2008, 05:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hey Paddington - I just posted this over on another thread so maybe it's to help you as well?

Look on it this way, maybe this will help -

You haven't been fighting alcoholism...
or alcohol, or the urge or any of that.

What you've been fighting ...
is recovery.

Alcohol...and subsequently...
alcoholISM ... exists.
It HAS existed,
its going to CONTINUE to exist.
We can't fight that.

What we fight when we sober up -
is the recovery.
What we fight -
is change.

That's where the surrender lies.
Not in alcohol.
In surrendering to the recovery.
pretty simple when it's looked at that way.

Maybe you've just been fighting the wrong thing.
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Old 05-07-2008, 05:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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PB you need to take actions, simply not wanting to drink and wanting support is not going to cut the mustard, try taking the following actions every day.

1. Wake up and drop to your knees and simply ask for the power to not drink that day and the ability to do what ever you need to do to stay sober TODAY!

2. Go to at least one meeting no matter what every day.

3. Get phone numbers of other ladies in the meetings.

4. Call at least 3 of those people every day no matter what, even if it is just to ask "How are you today?"

5. Every time you think about having a drink call one of those numbers or go straight to a meeting, time of day or night does not matter when calling!

6. Ask a lady to be your temporary sponsor.

One must want to not drink more then they want to drink in order to stay sober, I hated calling people when I first got sober, but as crazy as it sounds, it made a HUGE difference for me. Once I realized that the people I was calling were thanking me for calling because I was helping them to stay sober as well as myself calling people becam easier.

We need always remember WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! When we call someone we may very well be saving thier sobriety as well as our own.
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Old 05-07-2008, 06:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaddingtonBear View Post
why oh why can't I put it into practice? What's wrong with me?
oh PB....you're just like the rest of us, dear. Which means you're really sick right now, but there's a warm and wonderful person just waiting to get well in there somewhere!

In rehab, we had a lecture on the alcoholic brain. Here's a little something I wrote about the lecture later:

Quote:
The doctor had given a lecture earlier in the week on the Lizard Brain. He explained how the brain of the alcoholic and addict responded differently than that of non-addict brains to the consumption of large quantities of intoxicants over time. There is a portion of the human brain, he told us, that is evolutionarily very old and similar in structure and function to the brain of reptiles. This part of our brain accounts for primitive responses such as fight or flight. He diagrammed receptors and spoke of mysterious multi-syllabic neurotransmitters. We were informed that in our genetically flawed brains, the effect of intoxicants produced an unmanageable irregularity in the levels of dopamine, a ubiquitous chemical that plays a central role in our experience of feeling-states such as pleasure and anxiety. This explains, he said, the compulsion of the alcoholic or addict to consume more and more in a futile effort to return their dopamine levels to unsustainably high levels. It also accounts for the unbearable feelings of despair and discomfort we feel when deprived of our drugs. I welcomed this knowledge at the time. It relieved me of a profound sense of inadequacy I had over my inability to control my drinking. It told me that it was not my entire being that was responsible for my insane, self-destructive behavior, but only a little part of me. My lizard brain.
Knowing that there was a powerful dysfunctional biochemical loop that explained by insane behavior allowed me to move past beating myself up and helped me focus on the solution.

There IS a solution. I had to believe that before I could seek it out. I hope you find what works for you!
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Old 05-07-2008, 07:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for these great points Barb, Tazman and Zanthos - thanks for keeping on helping me, even though I've been falling down so many times...

I'm going to try and put in practice your 6 point plan Tazman - thanks for this. I've printed out these replies and am going to keep them with me...

I've been wondering perhaps whether I need to make some really major, fundamental changes too. So many things in my life at the moment are making me want to drink - even my accommodation here in London makes me want to go out and drink rather than stay at home. I'm thinking of applying for a job that's come up way out in the country, out of London, to try and generate some change in my life - maybe if I lived in the country I could have a dog or a cat (my landlord won't allow it here in my tiny rented flat in London) and I'm sure that may help me too...

Thanks for bearing with me... I feel desperately sick with my alcoholism but I want to surrender to my recovery... (thanks for that great point, Barb)

Paddington
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Old 05-07-2008, 08:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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PB it may be best to stay where you are at now rather then trying a "Geographical cure".

The reason "Geographical cures" do not generally work is because no matter where we go, we are still there!!!

The solution is in change.... not in job or home, but in ones self! For me I had to find a power greater then myself and alcohol to help me change into a person who was comfortable in my own skin and did not view a drink as a solution to anything in my life!

Isolation is where my alcoholism took me, I spent many a year drinking alone in my garage, the last thing I needed was to isolate myself to not drink!!! What I needed was to stop the isolation and to become a part of the world again, I began my journey back to becoming a part of the world by going to AA meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps. For me working the steps helped me to find that Higher Power I needed and to change who I was, it resulted in me having a solution other then a drink to live life on lifes terms.

In early sobriety isolation is not a good thing, it leaves us sitting around and thinking about how grand a drink would be right now. We need to actually experience the fact that we are not alone, that there are others in the same boat as we are in. But most important of all it allows us to be with people who were just like us and have found a solution to alcoholism.

The solution does not lie in where we live, nor in a dog or cat, the solution lies in us changing and becoming a part of the world again.
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