supernothing

Well god i was 35 days and five weeks sober friday.
We had a huge weekend planned, saturday comes, the sun is shining and were loading up to go away motocrossing.
I was feeling SO agitated, wound up and jumpy.
On the way my ANNOYANCE of a husband starts up with *how many beers did you buy for me? , oh , i dont know if thats going to be ENOUGH etc etc*
Im just sitting in the pick up staring MURDEROUSLY at the back of his head.
So he stops at the store to load up with more.......... just incase..........
By this point i could really feel my mood start to blacken beyond belieif.
I had a long conversation with the idiots that occupy my headspace and gave myself a good solid kick up the arse , put a smile on and TRIED really hard to be happy and positive........
Saturday was hard, i was hankering for the cold beers he was drinking right beside me in the sunshine ..... so i was boring and went to bed early.
Sunday dawned another beautiful day and i found it much easier, i kept busy occupied myself with the children, and stayed sober.
So yeah- i did it, i stayed sober the whole weekend.
But you know what? i just feel PISSED OFF,
i dont feel PROUD, or ANY sense of acheivment WHAT SO EVER.
i feel guilty for obsessing about it and i hate to say it but im SO ANGRY with my husband too.
I know my drinking is MY issue, but i just beg to wonder how many MORE times i can put up with him chucking pint after pint down his neck before i wonder what the bloody point is and pick up myself:sorry
urgh and i have to do it ALL again this weekend.
39 days for me now. TELL ME IT GETS EASIER!!!!!

barb dwyer

I don't care - CONGRATULATIONS ON 39 DAYS!!!!!

I think another drinker -
especially a partner goading someone trying to abstain from drinking ...
does nothing to make the drinker look good.

It makes them appear small hearted as well as small minded.
Especially to rub it in like that.
That's just psychological bullying.
As far as your putting up with being taunted like that -
how long, I mean ...well,
that's entirely up to you.

You got through it
whether you want to hear it or not.

You've made a decision
and you've stuck with it.

YOU .... do not appear weak at all.

StayinAlive

Congrats on your sober time! That cant be easy, i understand your resentments. Just tell him the fast guys don't drink

supernothing

thanks, i feel better already

RK2007

Supernothing, that is an achievement - whether you think so or not!!!

Well done, that would have been very difficult for me also - you survived a real test of your resolve to stay sober and that is testament to your strength and commitment to sobriety.

Very well done indeed!!!

Tazman53

Supernothing my hat is off to you, you stayed sober through some ridiculous insensitivity! Hold your head high, some how I have a feeling that he is not feeling any real pride in his behaviour, more then likely he is looking in the mirror asking him self "What is wrong with me?"

kmill

I know exactly how difficult that is and my congratulations go out to you for what really is a huge achievement. That is a real example of your strength. Well done and keep it up.

Anna

Hi Supernothing

I'm glad you got through it!

I went to one neighborhood party, early in my sobriety, and I didn't drink, but I felt like screaming. It was horrible. And, I could blame no one but myself for feeling miserable. Everyone else was just having a good time. So, I made the decision to not be around alcohol at all, for a long time. It gave me peace of mind.

kj3880

WHAT??? Am I understanding correctly that your husband wants you, a recovering person, to buy beer for him??? That is so crazy it is beyond crazy, girl. Read Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie for help with getting some detachment from him. Please. Also maybe try alanon mtg and forums on here. It is quite possible to be both an addict/alcoholic and Codependent. In fact, it is common. You deserve better treatment than you are getting. And as your self-esteem rises as it inevitably will in recovery, you will put up with less and less of this BS. Sorry for bluntness.
kj:codiepolice

MsPlugginTheJug

Super,
Congrats on being strong and getting through the weekend, sober at that! I am only at 35 days today myself, and I know there are times it's hard, especially with A. Stress and B. Being in a situation where you would have probably been drinking along WITH...what's his name? Annoyance? so it's doubly hard. You really should be proud. ALWAYS be proud when the thought crosses your mind to drink and you will it away, later you (we) can work on the technique of it! I'm sure the annoyance and hostility gets easier and will disappear with time.

My reason for responding, aside from the congrats and to chime in that I hope you will go easier on yourself and pat yourself on the back when you deserve it, is to respond to your final "question":
I know my drinking is MY issue, but i just beg to wonder how many MORE times i can put up with him chucking pint after pint down his neck before i wonder what the bloody point is and pick up myself

The bloody point is it is HIS neck the pints are going down, not yours! You don't paint a very glamorous image and perhaps he isn't giving one, personally, seeing people around me drinking to excess now gives me strength because I can't BE LIKE THAT if I don't drink. You are sober, first and foremost, for you. Maybe he might eventually want that for himself, through your example, maybe not, but you will get healthy and happier despite him and you will do what is best for you over time, I hope!

Sorry to ramble! Stay strong and I'll stay just 4 days behind you in sobriety!

Karen

supernothing

yeah i hear you friend, being sober is forcing me to address some serious issues here

warrens

Super

Could it be that his insensitivity is his own denial in disguise? By flaunting his own lifestyle so blatantly, he may be using that old male tactic of conquering his own guilt by pretending it doesn't exist.

It would be easy for me to attach a value judgment to his behavior. But, I lack the credentials. It would seem hard to understand in light of your recovery.

Your acceptance of powerlessness threatens his lifestyle. It is in his face, so to speak. He basically has two options. One is denial.

The worst thing we can do in our recovery, however, is to let it be influenced by another's reaction to it. We own our recovery as surely as we own our naughty bits. It is that personal. Come to think of it, that's not a bad analogy. Think about it. Our bodies, our recovery. Who owns it, who is responsible for it, who can abuse it, who determines in what way it is protected or treated? It seems so natural to think of our bodies as personal, why not think of our recovery in the same way?

warren

fallingdown

Dear Supernothing-Boy can I relate to what you're going through, and I don't have nearly as much time under my belt as you. You should be commended for making it this far without giving into the temptation to drink. It is SO hard when it's around sometimes. Made me think about moving out for about six weeks until I can deal with being around the stuff since my husband does the EXACT SAME THING. And I don't know if you've noticed, but mine is annoying when he's drunk, makes me wonder how the heck he put up with me being drunk all those years.

Ok this thread is not about me and my husband but you and your husband, there are a lot of people here at SR who have had to live with a drinking spouse while trying to quit. I think part of the trick to making it through this is finding support groups and other activities that can get you out of the house and around healthier influences. Maybe your husband will realize he misses having you around and decide to quit drinking, or at least cut down, too. I sure hope so. Anyway I think it's great you have so much sober time and I hope you don't allow another to sabatoge all your hard work. Good luck.
Fallin

MsPlugginTheJug

Super, I'm in your boat there. Different boat, but my change on a personal level (I sort of began to take personal inventory etc. over the last year, helping to change my toxic thinking, etc., which has lead me to stop drinking, kinda backwards! ) has made me realize what Warrens said....my husband doesn't drink, but he is harsh and angry and was a good "reason" for me to slide further into a bottle, since I didn't know how to deal with him. Now that I've grown so much, I don't play into the bad behavior along with him and it's making me see that it may not be enough for me to change. I think at times it's worse because as someone who probably knows deep down they have a problem or needs to perhaps change sees someone DO it, their excuse (ie, blaming the other as the "problem") goes out the window and more and more, they may catch glimpses of their own self in the mirror, which I'm sure we all know is probably the hardest thing we HAVE to do to change. I'm sure jealousy and fear are at work and people may truly want the best for us, but they can sabotage it or try to because they aren't prepared or willing to do what it takes. The best we can do now is do what is best for us, practice patience and tolerance of others, be good examples and hope the changes take us to a happier place. It's too early to worry about making permanent decisions as I'm sure we have to give those around us time to adapt and cope (or not, as the case may be) before we give up on others. Sadly, sick people shouldn't be around sick people, and as we get healthy, the sick around us are either going to want what we have, or not, and they will ultimately decide for us, I think. I dunno. I'm glad my husband doesn't drink, that would be an added burden, but he's still a real jerk and being sober means seeing things alot clearer, which is good and bad at times!

Karen

supernothing

its all such a nightmare, i really dont know if he likes the sober me, "I" like the sober me, but he seems to prefer me sitting right alongside him with a can.....
how can i blame him? thats how he met me! it wasnt how i was before, and not how i am now nor want to be in the future, i genuinely think he does not know how to be in this relationship anymore, and , that said, neither do i.

Anna

Supernothing,

I, too, found that early recovery shook the ground I walked on.

Things were not the same. In fact, when I looked deeply, I was not the person I had believed I was. It was starting from scratch.

But, it's worth it.

fallingdown

"I really dont know if he likes the sober me, "I" like the sober me, but he seems to prefer me sitting right alongside him with a can....."

But the newly sober you is going to be a lot different from the sober you a year from now. Right now you are still trying to get used to yourself. There's no way you are going to be at your best all the time while making this transition. You are going to feel irritable and frusterated for a while but I am pretty sure that fades with time. I seriously don't know how you can expect to know who you really are sober until all of your emotions calm down and you get some perspective on how you're feeling. Then you can see if he likes the sober you. I don't think my husband misses the radical mood swings or idiotic conversations I would initiate when drunk but I do think part of him misses having me dependent on that drink everyday because it made him feel better about himself. You just have to prepare for things to be haywire for a while but I think you will find the end result is well worth it, people on here who have maintained long term sobriety say that it completely transformed their lives for the better.

Missymae737

Stay strong, you can do this...

Thinking of you...:ghug

MsPlugginTheJug

I think people who don't want to change, especially drinkers and people who use drugs primarily want to be around others who do the same because it doesn't threaten them perhaps. I think they feel on level ground. I sure didn't want to hang around a bunch of sober people when I was drinking! People who truly love us will want what is best for us. Nobody, even a raging alcoholic, I don't think can deny that drinking is bad for you. Maybe they can, but that's pretty extreme denial!

If someone would want that you continue to do things that are clearly unhealthy and bad, they don't deserve you. I can understand standing by someone you want to get healthier but can't or won't, but not wanting you to be healthy is HIS problem. You can never blame yourself for wanting to better yourself. I was a drinker when I met my husband and my resentment came from him demanding I change who I am/was. I am, but he's still the same and it will be his loss if he can't accept GOOD changes in me!

Just focus on you now. It's not selfish (I have to keep telling myself that), maybe he feels threatened that you'll expect him to change, maybe he needs to be reassured that while you'd like him to be healthy for your future, all you ask is he understand it's something you need to do, but that it doesn't require him to do anything but try to respect you. Often bad behavior is the result of some fear, and it just may also be he is just plain afraid he'll lose you, since he probably doesn't want to change.

My husband is the meanest when we fight or when he sees strength in me (it's getting harder for him to control me with verbal attacks) and I tell myself that it's out of fear. (get them before they get you) and he just doesn't get how opposite it works!

Try to find some peace, to relax you. Stress and worry about your future isn't good, just focus on yourself and today. That's what I'll do.


Karen

Hevyn

Karen's right (even if she IS a Red Sox fan *sigh*) - for now you can't look at the big picture - just focus on getting well. All will become clear one day when you're ready to face things with your new attitude & a new confidence. Your emotions are still so raw. My first husband (now dead) & I loved each other dearly. Alcohol sucked the life out of him - he simply could not see the light. When I stopped drinking due to my pregnancy he felt alone and abandoned. Instead of being supportive & encouraging, he felt sorry for himself. That was so selfish, but now I understand how it must have been for him - we'd been drinking buddies for so many years. We had so many great times together, but when it came time to grow up, he just wasn't capable of it. (Not saying that's how it would be for you!) Every time you get through a weekend like you just did, it's a triumph!! Congratulations - keep going, keep posting. Love, Joanie