I can't forgive myself
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,775
I can't forgive myself
Yesterday I drank, after over a month of being sober. Don't know WHY I drank, only that now I have to go thru withdrawal all over again. It's my own fault and I can't forgive myself. I'll start over, with today as day one, but why oh why did I drink?? 
I was so pleased for making it so long without drinking. I was so happy with myself. I feel like such a fool. Such an idiot. Such a loser.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
What's wrong with me??
I was so pleased for making it so long without drinking. I was so happy with myself. I feel like such a fool. Such an idiot. Such a loser.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
What's wrong with me??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Co Springs, CO
Posts: 116
Hey Least sorry you slipped. Forgive yourself and move on. Don't let one day turn into a relapse. And don't worry about going through withdrawal again, if you contain this slip to a day and don't turn it into a relapse I bet you find it's not a big deal. What may be a big deal is that voice telling you to drink again may be back to full strength for a few days, but if you don't give in it will pass.
What's wrong with you? Your probably an alcoholic.
I struggle understanding why I have slipped in the past, generally I just wanted to check out for some period of time. But the crap I was hiding from was still there when the fog cleared.
And drop the guilt, you don't need to apologize to anyone here. You let yourself down, resolve to try and stop doing that, guilt won't help.
Be kind to yourself, get some rest.
LC
What's wrong with you? Your probably an alcoholic.
I struggle understanding why I have slipped in the past, generally I just wanted to check out for some period of time. But the crap I was hiding from was still there when the fog cleared.
And drop the guilt, you don't need to apologize to anyone here. You let yourself down, resolve to try and stop doing that, guilt won't help.
Be kind to yourself, get some rest.
LC
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
First of all, stop beating yourself up. You are an alcoholic. We all have setbacks. We are only human. I don't know if you have read where I have shared this before, but my nickname, given to me by the nurses at the only hospital in the area that had a detox unit, was the Queen of Relapse. You said you drank last night. Are you meaning Sat. or Friday night?
It was one time, right? I seriously don't think you are going to go through any withdrawals. Maybe have a hell of a hangover.
When I was in early in Recovery, one of my Counselors at the Clinic suggested to all of us in the group that we begin keeping a journal. Not only is this a great way to share our thoughts and feelings, but also you can read back on things and see what was going on. You will see a pattern developing. Although I really wouldn't call one night of drinking a relapse, but picking up is actually the last stage in a relapse. First come the thoughts, actions, (or lack of) and then picking up. If you would like, I have some great worksheets on the signs of a Relapse I can send you. Just PM me and I'd be happy to send them to you.
Hang in there Hon and stop kicking yourself in the butt. I commend you for having the honesty to share it with us. Many people don't tell anyone and then it just eats at them. Remember, we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.
God Bless & I'll be thinking of you and saying a Prayer,
Judy
It was one time, right? I seriously don't think you are going to go through any withdrawals. Maybe have a hell of a hangover.
When I was in early in Recovery, one of my Counselors at the Clinic suggested to all of us in the group that we begin keeping a journal. Not only is this a great way to share our thoughts and feelings, but also you can read back on things and see what was going on. You will see a pattern developing. Although I really wouldn't call one night of drinking a relapse, but picking up is actually the last stage in a relapse. First come the thoughts, actions, (or lack of) and then picking up. If you would like, I have some great worksheets on the signs of a Relapse I can send you. Just PM me and I'd be happy to send them to you.
Hang in there Hon and stop kicking yourself in the butt. I commend you for having the honesty to share it with us. Many people don't tell anyone and then it just eats at them. Remember, we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.
God Bless & I'll be thinking of you and saying a Prayer,
Judy
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,775
I felt I had to be honest, with myself and with my friends here. I may be a loser but I cannot be a liar. Please pray that I get thru the withdrawals and don't drink again. I feel so "dirty". please forgive me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
We are all here for you! A winner is a looser who never stops trying!!!! This is a disease, not a moral delima.
I have gone through the coming back thing....I know how hard it is. Just keep focused on the one day at atime.
:ghug
I have gone through the coming back thing....I know how hard it is. Just keep focused on the one day at atime.
:ghug
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Geez! get a grip. You did not committ murder or treason.
Alcoholics keep drinking until they learn how to live sober.
False starts are not the end of your world.
Take those sober days and use them for a new beginning.
Alcoholics keep drinking until they learn how to live sober.
False starts are not the end of your world.
Take those sober days and use them for a new beginning.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
LOL Carol! You are so right 
Least, you will be feeling 100x times worse because you have a hangover right now. I get terrible feelings of remorse and self-hate with a hangover/withdrawal. When that wears off, I set about forgiving myself because not to would hold me back from staying sober.
Forgive yourself for the purely practical reason that not doing so will make it harder to stay sober this time.
Also forgive yourself because you deserve it, would you forgive someone you loved? Then forgive yourself because no-one deseves your love more than you do.
Least, you will be feeling 100x times worse because you have a hangover right now. I get terrible feelings of remorse and self-hate with a hangover/withdrawal. When that wears off, I set about forgiving myself because not to would hold me back from staying sober.
Forgive yourself for the purely practical reason that not doing so will make it harder to stay sober this time.
Also forgive yourself because you deserve it, would you forgive someone you loved? Then forgive yourself because no-one deseves your love more than you do.
Let go, let God.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 244
(((least))) you'll be ok. Just try not to drink today. Everyone gave you great advice from their experiences in the beginning. I know I still find weekends the toughest because of my free time. I had a few triggers this weekend. I'm happy it's Sunday and almost over to be honest. Hang in there, it's a new day and we are pulling for you. :ghug
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Hi least,
You have received some really powerful advice already. Learn from your experience, don't let one night of drinking turn into something way worse, take it easy on yourself.
For me, it really helps to look back at why I took that first drink. It was usually either:
refusing to believe I am an alcoholic and thinking I could moderate
just not caring about my sobriety (feeling sorry for myself & wanting relief)
At no time did a beer just magically appear in my hand.
This knowledge really helps me understand what I am dealing with, to avoid triggers, and to develop/implement a plan of attack.
Maybe you need to modify/strengthen your recovery plan - work through the steps, more meetings etc.
Very happy that you came back here right away. Takes courage. D
You have received some really powerful advice already. Learn from your experience, don't let one night of drinking turn into something way worse, take it easy on yourself.
For me, it really helps to look back at why I took that first drink. It was usually either:
refusing to believe I am an alcoholic and thinking I could moderate
just not caring about my sobriety (feeling sorry for myself & wanting relief)
At no time did a beer just magically appear in my hand.
This knowledge really helps me understand what I am dealing with, to avoid triggers, and to develop/implement a plan of attack.
Maybe you need to modify/strengthen your recovery plan - work through the steps, more meetings etc.
Very happy that you came back here right away. Takes courage. D
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 88
Hi Least:
First of all, let me assure you that a relapse doen't make you a loser or an idiot...A loser and idiot wouldn't have come back. Relapse in not a requirement, but it is a reality for many alcoholics, and it has helped some come to their senses and finally Surrender. You have a lot of support here....Use it to your advantage, and remember...."This too shall pass". Reward yourself today --- "You are a Miracle"!!!!
Take good care just for today,
Artur
First of all, let me assure you that a relapse doen't make you a loser or an idiot...A loser and idiot wouldn't have come back. Relapse in not a requirement, but it is a reality for many alcoholics, and it has helped some come to their senses and finally Surrender. You have a lot of support here....Use it to your advantage, and remember...."This too shall pass". Reward yourself today --- "You are a Miracle"!!!!
Take good care just for today,
Artur
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hey Lady
There's no understanding insanity. We see the behaviors, but the roots of it will always elude us.
You had to do many things to drink. You had to have a "plan" and execute it. Seemingly sane behavior, eh? Get dressed, go to the store, buy it, return, set up the situation, and pour. Lots of steps involved.
But who was pulling it off? A power greater than you, I think.
We cannot control insanity, but we can recognize it for what it is. It is not stupidity. An important difference, I think. We alcoholics come to accept stupidity easily. Sh*t, we've been stupid all of our lives.
But insanity? That's a tough one. Insane? How could a guy (me) be so accomplished in so many ways, go to work every day, influence so many lives, raise a family, and make so many logical decisions in life, be insane?
I relapsed after a few years of sobriety because of an "incomplete" first step. In hindsight I realize that I confused stupidity with insanity. I resolved to no longer be stupid and drink like others, who are not stupid.
It worked for a while. But I began doing things that a sane man would not do. Drinking amounts and at times that were totally inappropriate. Every day. Alcohol overwhelmed my very sizable sense of morality and logic.
Ignorance is the lack of knowledge. I'm ignorant when it comes to heart surgery. Stupidity is coming to false conclusions in the face of strong evidence to the contrary. Laziness or poor choice. Insanity is the absence of power to choose our behavior at all.
Thus, my brain is no different than it was. I still have those conversations in my head. The ones where alcohol is the item up for auction and there are two sides negotiating the price. Part of me is reasonable and wants to pay a reasonable price. The other part will pay any price and will give anything.
It's funny how we can recognize insanity in others. EBay is the place where sober people seem to lose their sanity. Placing insane value on stuff innately worthless, or worth little. We recognize that paying thousands for the image of Jesus on a grilled cheese sandwich is insane. The heat of the auction causes people to lose their sanity.
We alcoholics do the same thing, I think. What we will give for a drink, or twelve. Spouses, family, careers, dignity-it's all negotiable. What is worth just a few dollars to "normal" people is worth the Royal jewels to us.
Accept insanity for what it is. We cannot change it. It will always be there. Sobriety allows us to recognize it and refuse to enter the auction, however. Sobriety gives us the ability to place proper value on things. What is the value of sanity and sobriety. How much would you pay if you had a fortune? Some people pay thousands a day to "dry out." The fact is, the most valuable thing on earth is free.
Perhaps that is why AA is looked down upon by so many. Recent research has shown that people feel better when they pay more for an identical product. Price it higher and people will flock to buy it. Price it lower and people ignore it as worth little. How could something priceless be free?
The first step seems so easy. We come to it in despair and disrepair. We are so obviously f*cked. Then we sober up. Hey, things aren't so bad... Wrong. That's what I have finally learned, I think. I must revisit the first step almost daily. Some things don't change. A calm sea belies the Great White swimming just below the surface. 30 feet of teeth and terror that does not "think." All it knows is that it wants me. It ain't going away. It hides its dorsal. All looks peaceful and inviting. An evening swim...
We have a personal shark that awaits us. It gets more and more cunning. Reason tells me it is there. Insanity tells me it isn't. My survival depends on listening to the power greater than I. The one who created the shark. And me. He gave the shark the power to kill. There is no such thing as engaging it and emerging victorious. He gave me the power to listen to his wisdom. He put up signs for me to heed. I can only lose if I feel wiser than god.
warren
There's no understanding insanity. We see the behaviors, but the roots of it will always elude us.
You had to do many things to drink. You had to have a "plan" and execute it. Seemingly sane behavior, eh? Get dressed, go to the store, buy it, return, set up the situation, and pour. Lots of steps involved.
But who was pulling it off? A power greater than you, I think.
We cannot control insanity, but we can recognize it for what it is. It is not stupidity. An important difference, I think. We alcoholics come to accept stupidity easily. Sh*t, we've been stupid all of our lives.
But insanity? That's a tough one. Insane? How could a guy (me) be so accomplished in so many ways, go to work every day, influence so many lives, raise a family, and make so many logical decisions in life, be insane?
I relapsed after a few years of sobriety because of an "incomplete" first step. In hindsight I realize that I confused stupidity with insanity. I resolved to no longer be stupid and drink like others, who are not stupid.
It worked for a while. But I began doing things that a sane man would not do. Drinking amounts and at times that were totally inappropriate. Every day. Alcohol overwhelmed my very sizable sense of morality and logic.
Ignorance is the lack of knowledge. I'm ignorant when it comes to heart surgery. Stupidity is coming to false conclusions in the face of strong evidence to the contrary. Laziness or poor choice. Insanity is the absence of power to choose our behavior at all.
Thus, my brain is no different than it was. I still have those conversations in my head. The ones where alcohol is the item up for auction and there are two sides negotiating the price. Part of me is reasonable and wants to pay a reasonable price. The other part will pay any price and will give anything.
It's funny how we can recognize insanity in others. EBay is the place where sober people seem to lose their sanity. Placing insane value on stuff innately worthless, or worth little. We recognize that paying thousands for the image of Jesus on a grilled cheese sandwich is insane. The heat of the auction causes people to lose their sanity.
We alcoholics do the same thing, I think. What we will give for a drink, or twelve. Spouses, family, careers, dignity-it's all negotiable. What is worth just a few dollars to "normal" people is worth the Royal jewels to us.
Accept insanity for what it is. We cannot change it. It will always be there. Sobriety allows us to recognize it and refuse to enter the auction, however. Sobriety gives us the ability to place proper value on things. What is the value of sanity and sobriety. How much would you pay if you had a fortune? Some people pay thousands a day to "dry out." The fact is, the most valuable thing on earth is free.
Perhaps that is why AA is looked down upon by so many. Recent research has shown that people feel better when they pay more for an identical product. Price it higher and people will flock to buy it. Price it lower and people ignore it as worth little. How could something priceless be free?
The first step seems so easy. We come to it in despair and disrepair. We are so obviously f*cked. Then we sober up. Hey, things aren't so bad... Wrong. That's what I have finally learned, I think. I must revisit the first step almost daily. Some things don't change. A calm sea belies the Great White swimming just below the surface. 30 feet of teeth and terror that does not "think." All it knows is that it wants me. It ain't going away. It hides its dorsal. All looks peaceful and inviting. An evening swim...
We have a personal shark that awaits us. It gets more and more cunning. Reason tells me it is there. Insanity tells me it isn't. My survival depends on listening to the power greater than I. The one who created the shark. And me. He gave the shark the power to kill. There is no such thing as engaging it and emerging victorious. He gave me the power to listen to his wisdom. He put up signs for me to heed. I can only lose if I feel wiser than god.
warren
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Listen here its O.K at least you realize it that you have a problem
Stop! been hard on your self who knows tomorrow could be me this
got nothing to do with there been something wrong with we are
sick individuals with a common disease,of been addicts we are bound
to fail, they say in A.A that sometimes you need to relapse to study your triggers more,and your self that doesn't mean for who ever is
reading this thread to go ahead and get a License and lets get Wasted
so Be easy on your self,One Day at a Time,Easy Does It,Be still
in the eye of the storm.
Stop! been hard on your self who knows tomorrow could be me this
got nothing to do with there been something wrong with we are
sick individuals with a common disease,of been addicts we are bound
to fail, they say in A.A that sometimes you need to relapse to study your triggers more,and your self that doesn't mean for who ever is
reading this thread to go ahead and get a License and lets get Wasted
so Be easy on your self,One Day at a Time,Easy Does It,Be still
in the eye of the storm.
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by least 
Yesterday I drank, after over a month of being sober. Don't know WHY I drank
No need for it, no reason for it, no point in it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey Least - I am with all the other posters...I am in awe of warren's shark analogy and can't add a word of wisdom to this. I will just tell you that I care and I am glad you are back. (and I did the same thing, at about six weeks, now I'm past six months - can be done, girl!) Love, Jomey
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,775
Thank you all for the words of wisdom. I believe now that I thought that I could drink just a little. It was too much, no matter how much I drank. I will focus on today, on the first step, and on forgiving myself. I will learn from this.
:ghug
:ghug
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
