Rusty Zipper

welcome to the family RS

good wishes, and a nice share...

rz

Ravensoul

I'm, still here, just had a busy day/evening yesterday and didn't post.
Had my mom over for dinner and a movie (which meant going to pick her up and take her home PLUS had to drive and pick up my son from a birthday party...I feel like I should get a chauferr's liscense

I drank about 3-4 servings of wine yesterday, mixed with cranberry juice, sipped it slowly throughout the day/evening, didn't even get a buzz, and wasn't seeking one. Thing is, I didn't even WANT it, just scared of cutting back to nothing too quickly, so seeking to keep a little alcohol in my system.

That, really, is my biggest concern, and as I said, one that NEVER once occurred to me until I started reading about recovery, and then I thought, OMG, what do you MEAN I can't just STOP?

I'm not sure if my consumption level was/is in the dangerous territory (for detox, I mean...I KNOW it is past the dangerous level for my health)
I have frequently skipped days, 1, 2, 3, up to 5, (when we drove/moved cross country about 8 mths ago, and my consumption prior to that and for a long while had been about the same as it has recently...yes, I felt like crap, but I was also tired, driving 12 hrs a day, under a great deal of stress, etc...but nothing I would consider serious symptoms of detox, even knowing what I know now)

Same thing when I discovered myself pregnant with my daughter 9 yrs ago, after about 5 yrs of pretty to very heavy drinking..I was at a similar level (minimum 6 pack a night, plus maybe twice that in the form of beer and/or wine on weekends or even during the week on occaision) and I just QUIT, end of story, the day I knew for sure, for the duration of the pregnancy and a few mths beyond, and felt absolutely fine (except for worrying myself insane that I had already done damage to my baby...I have a degree in child development, so I know the fetal risks between 3-5 weeks!) As before, I had no clue that stopping could be dangerous...only that continuing was!

I have frequently kept my consumption at a "reasonable" level (yeah, I know, nothing like that for an alcoholic, but relatively speaking, as in a few drinks per 24 hr period, like a "normal" person) for weeks or even mths before I binge again for a weekend or longer. Never had any problems in between (although I suppose the killer hangovers the day after a binge are a form of detox in themselves, but the day after and going forward, I feel mostly fine, better and better with each passing day, in fact.)

For now, I'm going to continue cutting back gradually until I reach a single drink per day and hold it there for a while before I attempt cold turkey. I am also going to continue nourishing myself physically (and mentally) to rebuild my health in the meantime.

I really feel, mentally/emotionally AND physically, that I am "done" (through, whatever)...ready to stop.
Yes, lots of stress in my life right now, but honestly, my drinking is the greatest source of it, and I have no intention of going back to that hell. (I am prepared for my intention wavering....I've had a lot of practice recognizing and stomping the heck out of that little jerk in my head who tries to convince me to drink myself stupid...I'm ready to stomp her unconscious at the first peep, at this point, knowing her for the murderer she is)

I thank you all so much for your support, for being here, and I WILL bear any and all advice in mind. (might even TAKE some it:ghug) For now, baby steps...which is a HUGE leap forward for me.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Ravensoul and Jeeplady.

First things first, Jeeplady please even if you have to go to a free clinic, see a doctor!!!! Detox can and does kill alcoholics even in reasonable health, high blood pressure is not something to mess with during detox. When I went through detox they checked my blood pressure every 2 hours and were giving me blood pressure meds constantly because my blood pressure was all over the place and I do not have high blood pressure.

Detoxing with a blood pressure problem or not can lead to fatal heart attacks and or strokes!!!!

Ravensoul if you find that the tapering off does not work please see a doctor as well.

Ravensoul that was a great share, I started drinking when I was about 11, by the time I was 19 or 20 I was drinking 7 cases of beer a week, then I quit for a year and a half for religous reasons, well I fell away from that church and my drinking picked right back up to the point it was before. My drinking progressively got worse and by the time I hit about 40 problems started to come up in my life and for the next 5 years I alternated trying controled drinking to out right quitting, I always wound up drinking like I always had only a bit worse.

At about 45 I no longer had a choice. I had to drink every day just to feel normal, I did this until I was 50, then things really went haywire, one day I would only drink 6-8 beers and be looped, the next day I could drink one after another all day long and not even cop a buzz!!! At the age of 52 I finally surrendered to the fact that I had to stop drinking but I could not stop drinking.................... I needed help!!!!

Here is what I did in very short form:

1. I saw a doctor who told me I needed to be medically detoxed.

2. I was medically detoxed and they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

3. I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 and got a sponsor, my sponsor and the old timers in the meetings told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober long term I needed to work the steps of AA with my sponsor.

4. I worked the steps with my sponsor, I still attend 3-4 AA meetings a week, I have not had a drink in over 19 months. Due to the steps and the fellowship of AA my obsession to drink has been lifted, I am happier then I have been in well over 30 years, my family respects me and loves me.

Ravensoul

So this is day 3 of "moderating", and it is going well. Down to 2 glasses of wine per day/night (24 hr period) and not craving more. (in fact, have a mostly full bottle (small bottle, NOT a 1.5 litre, FTR) of merlot in the fridge right now (had one glass out of it with dinner, after having my other glass from the last of the bottle I bought a few days ago) and am getting ready to go to bed and read, then sleep.
I feel great, and am proud of myself. Yay me!
Been taking my vitamins and eating/resting well.
Plan on being down to 1 glass per day soon. (trying to take it slowly, so as to avoid a too sudden or too drastic cutback)
Thanks again for the support, folks.:ghug2

Tazman53

Good job Raven, if you successfully taper off and stay sober you will only be the second person I have ever known who successfully tapered off............. I think, the guy who said he had tapered off dissappeared about 2 weeks afterwards so who knows if he is still sober or not.

I hope if you are successful you will stick around!

indigo

Sorry I'm late on this one, Welcome Ravensoul and jeeplady glad you found us here at SR.

22NGONE

Ravensoul,

Welcome. I too was highly functional and drank mostly alone. I too knew I had a problem long before I admitted it. I went to AA originally to try and save my marriage but after being in the program for a while I soon realized that I needed to be there for me... and now I am. I don't think it matters what your motivation is initially as long as you come "to the rooms" and start your recovery. I believe in the 90 meetings in 90 days rule and in getting a sponsor right away. I understand with your children, logistically that may be a little difficult but TRY and make as many as you can. Good luck with your recovery!!

Tazman53

You know when I was having my outgoing interview from detox my counselor asked me if I was going to go to AA, I told him yes and I would get a sponsor but there was no way I could do 90 meetings in 90 days, I worked full time, was married and had kids!! He asked me to promise him that I would spend as much time on AA and recovery as I did drinking, because that is what it was going to take. Well he had me there!!!! I easily did 90 meetings in 90 days and the amazing thing was I actually spent more time with my family then I did when I was drinking!!!

My experience was that in early sobriety I had to spend as much time or more time working on my recovery then I did drinking, it has worked for 20 months now.

Since I no longer spend any time drinking I do go to only 3-4 meetings a week, the idea behind AA is to learn to live life on lifes terms sober, not to spend the rest of my life going to meetings every night.

Do not get me wrong, I will always go to meetings if for nothing more then to hold out my Experience, Strength, & Hope to other alcoholics who may need it and to continue to learn from others Experience, Strength, & Hope.

problemchild

Welcome, Ravensoul
I can relate to the misery of not being able to quit as we all can, I was pretty much in the dark tower cycle, just call me Roland of Gilead (from your post i'm sure you will get that) Until i deciede to get outside support and a great program to follow (AA) i could not break the cycle of on again off again. For me AA works there are other programs also that help with the alcoholisim, just try any of them until you find the one best for you.

Take care,
John

Ravensoul

OK, today was a big success, since I had the day off. Alone. All day. That almost full bottle of wine in the 'fridge.
It's still there
I was not craving a drink, mind you, but for so long, it had become my HABIT to use every oppourtunity to drink...Instead, I am choosing to create NEW habits. Actually, it is more like just getting back to how I USED to be, before I started drinking to excess.
I did some housework, went out and ran a few errands, watched a movie. (and I REALLY have gotten used to drinking during THAT activity...again, no actual desire to drink, just that niggling force of habit, which I ignored)

I understand that many (maybe even most or all) here are highly dubious of anything short of total abstinence and meetings/support groups, and I respect that....whatever works for anyone is what they should do, I think.

What has been working for me thus far is this...really, I am in the process of reprograming my thinking and behavior, as well as moderating my consumption. When I have the passing thought/impulse to drink (more than I am allowing myself or at times other than my "appointed" time) I choose to say NO. I remind myself how good I am feeling (for a change!) mentally and physically. I CHOOSE to continue feeling that way. Before, I was never really ready to quit abusing, not for longer than it took for the last killer hangover or shame at my behavior took to wear off. At such times, I kidded myself I was, but I always chose to go back to it (and it WAS a conscious choice, speaking for only myself...not some overpowering urge, but a decision, every single time. Of course, after enough drinks, it DID assume the form of an almost uncontrollable compulsion...being drunk is not the best thing for ones judgment or self-control, is it? But BEFORE I started to drink, I mean)

I also remind myself that my recent (and long-term) behavior is NOT "me"..that I had a long history of NOT drinking and very moderate use prior to that. I remind myself that I don't HAVE to be that way around alcohol.
I CHOSE to because it felt good and helped (I thought) me deal with some serious stress in my life. Of course, I built up a serious dependency, physically and mentally, over the years of habitual excess, which I am now dealing with.

Again, I fully respect everyone's truth, and that what works for one may not work for another. For me, I do not think the idea that I am powerless over this habit/addiction will work (that was an "excuse" (in quotes because that is how I used it) I used too often to justify my excess...it gave me an out, a rationalization to relieve my guilt over my actions)

Instead, I am taking responsibility for my actions (for a change) and admitting to myself that I CAN choose not to be an abuser anymore. I have too much to live for to allow that.

I can already feel myself coming back into focus, getting back in touch with the deep inner strength I have been drowning in alcohol for so long.

I so appreciate this site and the support and experience here. I promise not to disappear (well, God willing, of course) and to be honest with you all. (if this fails miserably, I will admit it. If not, I will share whatever I find along the way)
It helps a lot to "talk" here. Thanks.

22NGONE

Good luck.

kmill

Good luck Ravensoul but you really should not put red wine in the fridge.

mle-sober

Ravensoul,

I'm glad that you are finding a way to cut way back on your drinking so that you can stop eventually without having to go through detox. (Do I remember correctly that was part of your intention?) And it seems like you are benefiting enormously from your efforts and that can only be good. For you and your loved ones. So, that's excellent.

I do think, from your descriptions, that your experience is hugely different from mine. And one of the things I've noticed from being in a treatment program, doing a lot of reading, and attending many speaker meetings where people tell their stories of alcoholism, is that one thing most of us have in common is that once we have that one drink, we cannot stop. It is not a matter of will power. For me, I would promise and pledge over and over. I would mark a line on the bottle. I would tell friends to limit me. I would seek desperately to not even pick up the first drink. But if there was alcohol in my house, I drank it.

I have had a very complicated and difficult life. With many ups and downs. And I feel I have faced down advarsaries with determination and courage. I have beaten a childhood of neglect, poverty and abuse. I have beaten sexual and emotional trauma and abuse as a teenager and as a grownup. I have beaten several serious illnesses and recovered from several serious operations. But nothing has been as hard as alcoholism, for me.

One of the things you say above is interesting to me, especially. You say, "Of course, I built up a serious dependency, physically and mentally, over the years of habitual excess, which I am now dealing with." I do think that you identify here something very different from what I experience with alcohol. I think at an early stage in my alcoholism, before I crossed over that line into an alcoholic "of the hopeless variety" I had a serious dependency on alcohol.

So why am I saying this? I'm not sure. Partly because I want to affirm the steps you've taken and encourage you to continue to quit in full because I think you have arrested your progression into alcoholism at the stage of dependency. And you and your children will suffer much, much less if you can maintain your sobriety now. But I'm also saying this partly because what you are doing is so rare and I'm just not sure people who have truely progressed into full alcoholism can do what you are doing. And it's so hard not to punish yourself when you are first seaking help because you could not quit without help. As an alcoholic who tried for a long time to moderate and quit before surrendering to to God the fact that I was incapable of doing so, I was a beaten down dog when I finally asked for help. And no amount of kindness really helped at first to lift that terrible gut feeling inside of me that said I was worthless and an awful person because I couldn't quit.

Anyway, I am truly gald you are doing so well. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm not. And I hope you continue to do well.

I've got to run.
- MLE

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Kmill,

I got a good chuckle out of that one..thanks!

Ravensoul

Hey, just wanted to touch base, been gone a few days. Been busy with mom's day (out with the kids all weekend..swimming at the indoor pool, library, outdoor market, etc..) and a job interview yesterday and what not.
Doing good.

I understand the whole "if it's in the house, I will drink it" thing...but I have realized I don't HAVE to, am not helpless to not do so, but that I choose to. So been choosing not to. But I get that some cannot do that. I couldn't many times, but I think so much of it, for me, had to do with other issues in myself that made me want to drink to excess. Just for me, again.

And yes, I put my red wine in the 'fridge. :sorry Never said I was a "con-i-sewer", just a garden variety wino But I tend to pour it and let it warm a bit anyway, so...

"You are never alone or helpless. The force that guides the stars guides you, too." P.K. Sarkar

mle-sober

Ravensoul,

I'm glad you do not experience alcoholism the way I do. Stopping now and not letting your dependency develop further can only be a good thing. Keep us posted!

- MLE