LibertyorDeath

When the pioneers were traveling westward they would come to raging rivers and have to struggle across them in order to reach their destination. My river rages before me now. Like the pioneers, I struggle to stay dry. That is the only way I can cross.

I thirst desperately to fill the void. Christ comes to me when I invite Him into my heart. But there are times I drag in the welcome mat, close the door, turn out the lights.

I want to drink so desperately. The bottle is there, hidden away on my bank of this river…within reach…calling to me...calling to me.

Please God, help me across this river. Keep me dry tonight.

Liberty or Death~

Anna

Hi,

I wasn't able to keep alcohol in the house when I was in early recovery, and I still don't. It helps.

least

God will give you the strength to cross the river safely.:ghug

LibertyorDeath

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Quote:

Originally Posted by 51anna

Hi,

I wasn't able to keep alcohol in the house when I was in early recovery, and I still don't. It helps.

Thank you for your reply. It is so good to hear from others who know.

I wanted to pour that vodka out, but didn't.

I like having that bottle here. As much as I loathe and love what's in it or because I loathe and love what's in it.

You are right about not keeping it in the house. This seems to me like the sin of pride on my part.

I will definitely take it under advisement. Your post is causing me to consider it. That bottle called to me today. If it were stocked on a shelf some twenty miles away, the call would not be as demanding.

Thank you for helping me tonight.

Liberty~

suki44883

PLEASE pour the bottle into the sink! While I was in detox, my daughter went through the house and poured out all of the alcohol I had and threw away all the empty cans and bottles she could find. There is no way I could have alcohol in my home now. I am only 21 days sober, and I don't need the aggrivation.

LibertyorDeath

I will. He has given me strength and the call is gone. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a heartbeat away from slugging my first shot of vodka a little while ago. I came here instead and found strength and wisdom. I am crying now because I have hidden my alcoholism from my family. I have not confessed to anyone but to you, here, now, that I am indeed an alcoholic. I am ashamed but liberated by that truth.

I am not deluded enough to believe that my family was in the dark about my "problem", but I spent a lot of time and energy hiding it.

There was a time I would have gone to the end of the Earth for that shot (and the ten or so that would follow). Not tonight, Friends. Tonight I found a strength and will that I'd never even knew I possessed.

Now if I could only use said strength to pour the garbage down the drain! I know I must.

Thank you so much!!!!

LibertyorDeath

It's gone now...the vodka.

I poured it down the drain. Excuse me while I go shoot myself. (JUST KIDDING!!!!)

I am very happy tonight. I am blessed beyond belief.

I can't wait to check back in with you all later or tomorrow.

Blessings, All.

Liberty~

warrens

Very good move...

warren

Ananda

You made a wise choice! Please keep posting. There is usually some one on here who can talk with you if you need that.

I'll be thinking of you.

mle-sober

You say: "I have not confessed to anyone but to you, here, now, that I am indeed an alcoholic. I am ashamed but liberated by that truth."

And later: "Tonight I found a strength and will that I'd never even knew I possessed."

Those are such powerful, powerful things you said and did. They are enormously important and I, for one, am proud of you.

When oh when do we get to see you stop running with scissors?! (:

Dean62

That's exactly what it is Liberty. If you kept that Vodka in your house and didn't drink it you would surely have something to be proud of. That's a very scary thought. Pride is a killer for us alcoholics.

Freedom from the prison of pride can be found in the spirit of the sunlight, stay close.

LibertyorDeath

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dean62

That's exactly what it is Liberty. If you kept that Vodka in your house and didn't drink it you would surely have something to be proud of. That's a very scary thought. Pride is a killer for us alcoholics.

Freedom from the prison of pride can be found in the spirit of the sunlight, stay close.

Yes! And I was thinking, I can handle it. I can have it in the house or not and it won't make a bit of difference because I am different. I know that is untrue.

I am going to make it today, Friends. I am going to make it and I pray all of you do too! When I was close to the edge yesterday, YOUR pearls of wisdom rose up and helped me...words about "doing something to occupy your time until the urge to drink passes" among many others. I also thought about how ashamed I would be to let myself AND YOU down. I don't know how healthy that kind of thinking is, as I am not doing this for you, but clearly you have a powerful influence on me. It has helped tremendously.

So I wake up this morning with my dignity in tact. This will be my first Saturday sober. I plan on finding a spot to plant a summer garden. This is not something new for me. I have had gardens in the past but lost the desire, somehow. With food prices as they are and all of the extra time I am going to have on my hands, I thought this would be a good day to plot out a spot and start turning the soil over.

vashti45

congratulations on taking the step of posting here with honesty. And I'm so glad you poured that poison down the drain. Do you have a support group? Sometimes one sober friend or understanding relative can be a literal lifesaver. Just want you to succeed and thrive... and good luck on that garden. Great activity for miraculous sobriety! Keep praying.

Peace,

Jana

LibertyorDeath

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti45

congratulations on taking the step of posting here with honesty. And I'm so glad you poured that poison down the drain. Do you have a support group? Sometimes one sober friend or understanding relative can be a literal lifesaver. Just want you to succeed and thrive... and good luck on that garden. Great activity for miraculous sobriety! Keep praying.

Peace,

Jana

You are my support group. Since reading your post earlier today, I have considered contacting a relative for help and support...but it is so much easier admitting to my cyber friends that I am an alcoholic. I am too ashamed to admit that to a family member or friend for whom I have gone to such great lengths to disguise my problem. (Read: I am too proud to let my friends and family know that I am an alcoholic because they will know I am a fraud and that I am fallible and weak.)

Hevyn

You are not a fraud, fallible or weak. You have a disease. I hope you will soon be able to remove the word "ashamed" from your thoughts. Are we ashamed if we have cancer? Please be proud of yourself for having the courage to change your life.

LibertyorDeath

Thank you, Hevyn.

I will try to change the way I view this because I know I would not call any of you "frauds" or say that you are "weak".

Another lesson learned. It has got to be personal pride that prevents me from seeking help from those closest to me.

Is it normal for me to keep this from them?

mle-sober

Yes it it's normal but in my opinion it's part of the disease. At least for me, hiding my drinking from my family and friends was a huge part of my disease. Trying constantly to appear as if I was a normal drinker.... I had to smash that whole framework in order to start on the road to real recovery. Finding humility and honesty is so important. And there's humility honesty with yourself (which is terribly essential) and then there's humility and honesty with the world at large (which, for me, came after the honesty with self and was an expansion of my recovery).

Hevyn

I think it's completely normal. I never until very recently referred to myself as an alcoholic - even to myself. I had far too much pride to admit it - always wanted to appear as if I didn't have a care in the world. Only when I came to SR - where I could really be myself without fear of being judged - did I admit what my true problem was. The joke is, I'm sure all my family, friends & co-workers knew about my "drinking issues" years ago & they would've respected me alot more if I'd just come clean about it all. I don't know if that's the case for you, Liberty. It is liberating to finally be out with it. Hold your head high as you recover, you're doing great.

CarolD

Now that you have decided your an alcoholic...
do you have a plan for moving forward?

...You too can recover

LibertyorDeath

A plan for moving forward~ Not yet. My past has reared it's head. Things I have not thought about in years have resurfaced. Is that normal?

I am a grown woman who has a major scar from cutting when I was a teen. Seems I blamed myself for the abuse I suffered as a youngster. I turned my anger inward. That scar has NEVER bothered me. All of a sudden, it’s all I see. It grieves me that I hated myself so much. I want to reach back to my younger self and stop the horrible tailspin that began back then. (Can't do it.) I want to revisit the child I was before I was hurt. (Can't do it.) I want to reconcile with the past by forgiving my aggressor. (Have to do it!) I am familiar with the serenity prayer and speak it now.

And here come those tears yet again! Crying is new for me.

Please tell me I am going to be ok. Please tell me I am normal. Please tell me that this is not a pity party because it sure feels like one....and I am the guest of honor.

Liberty~