Hevyn

Another weekend begins. I'm at almost 4 mos. sober. Up until recently, each Friday was spent feeling sorry for myself, as everyone talked about plans for the weekend. I missed the old excitement & anticipation. In the past I'd give in to these feelings and in my mind, try to reconstruct weekends the way they used to be. SELECTIVE MEMORY! It goes something like this...."I'd love to get dressed up tonight & meet our friends at our favorite bar" (But what about the time I fell off the barstool trying to get to the ladie's room & everyone rushed over to see if I was ok?) "It's the annual "Springfest" here in town- food, live bands, & many beer booths...I'd love to walk around sipping a few like last year" (But how could I forget the horrible fight I got into with my husband at the end of last year's event? He couldn't believe how a nice day turned ugly for no reason!) "It's so nice today- if only I could sit by the pool with a drink - I'd be careful not to overdo it!" (But the last time you said that, you moron, you went on a 3 wk. bender after the holidays & almost killed yourself.) You get the picture - as long as we idealize the past we'll keep trying to recreate it. In the end it was not fun, it was not exciting or relaxing, it was dangerous and destructive. I have finally made peace with the fact that I can never drink again. It was very hard to get to this point, but I am loving my new normal.

Anna

I think that giving up alcohol involves a grieving process. I know for me, at the end of my drinking days, alcohol was my best friend - sad, but true.

It's nice having a 'no drama' lifestyle.

RK2007

Hevyn, what a great post. I know the grieving process too - I'm still not totally over the fact that I can never drink again - I do know I cannot, but still in the back of my mind I long for it one day, you know - maybe I can be normal and drink again.

I know that is just an illusion though, a trick; I'm an alcoholic and drink is poison for me.

Posts like this help keep me grounded. One day, I hope to stop grieving for booze.

Thanks Hevyn.

kmill

Thanks Hevyn.
My situation is that when I drink to excess I act horribly to my wife, we fight, I wake up in the morning to a terrible atmosphere knowing that I was bad but not remembering. Last weekend we went to Vegas and the same thing happened. It's become a pattern and I've finally come to realise there is only one option. Quit drinking.

Usually I am fine and pleasant drinking, but sometimes I go completely over the top and that's when I lose control. For all that I love about booze, I love my wife and family more. I remind myself of that every minute. I will remind myself of that whenever I feel a temptation.

What I'm trying to say is, just 5 days in, I'm mourning a bit. Your post is of great help to me and thank you.

Astro

Sounds good to me, I'd love to do that too, but I've got something even better planned for my Friday afternoon.

After work I'm going to watch my son's baseball game. This is the fourth year his father hasn't shown up to games drunk.

After the game my kids and I are going to a BBQ and campfire AA meeting at a friend's ranch. Last time we had a meeting there we ended up herding cattle into trucks in the dark. I don't know of any active drunk who gets to do that!

Yes, there are times when I truly miss the "good old days", but not the horror that I created. I love my new normal too.

Great post Hevyn, thanks for sharing! :ghug3

suki44883

Someone said something this week in the treatment program that has stuck with me for some reason. He said...There is a reason why, on a car, there is a large windshield and a small rear-view mirror. Think about that for a moment.

mle-sober

Hevyn,

I don't really have a weekend since I stay home with my kids and paint. My husband runs his own business and works through the weekend at home. So, the only difference is the kids don't go to school. The main difference for me is I'm not trying to find an escape hatch! I used to find desperate reasons to run to the store, make up stories about going for a walk, make "plans" with a friend to go to a "movie," -- all in the name of finding a glass, I mean bottle, of wine. I was so happy my husband was still in his office when I got back and stashed my bottle for later.

So, the difference is - stay put and learn to breath. I just celebrated my 90 days. I feel more confidant but I still get anxious. I want to be present and have fun with my kids and spend some time reading. And I notice I'm not happy (like I was) when my husband is in his office all weekend. So, maybe I can talk him into a video and popcorn...

MLE

gravity

Wow! I know exactly where you are coming from.

My "new" normal Friday -
A good day's work at a job I enjoy,
A good workout at the fitness centre,
Enjoy some time with my beautiful family in our nice home,
AA meeting - see some friends, strengthen my sobriety, maybe help someone
Watch some playoff hockey

No anxiety, no cravings, no missing the "good old days" (3 day out of control benders? Yeah...awesome)

...just, well, happy! And at peace!

And this is only a partial list of everything I have been blessed with today alone!

Have a super weekend Hevyn!

Hevyn

Thanks everyone! I appreciated being able to come here tonight - it helped me get past a bad spot. Still, I can hear the music from the "Springfest" playing in the distance - I feel a bit like Cinderella - can't go to the ball! I'll be waking up tomorrow with no hangover & clear headed, though! Every time I face something like this it gets a little easier, and it will for all of you too. That's a promise.

gravity

Not only that, but you will have a great Saturday, a full day to truly enjoy your "new normal". Think of what the alternative would be...

Being the nosy guy that I am , I googled Springfest, looks okay (it's not to the same standard as Cinderella's ball thats for sure) but certainly not worth blowing-up one's life over. We have the same kind of events over the summer in my home town (we are a tourist trap) and I plan on taking the kids in the daytime and that's about it. Much better things to do than hang around other people who are getting drunk.

Artur

Thank you Hevyn:
it is hard sometimes, but I know that if i don't pick it up I can't drink....no matter how much I would love to just have "one"....I can't. Past experience teaches me that if I think I can just have one....yeah right!!!! I've never just had one in my life....maybe fifty one....never just one. This illness really sucks sometimes, but it has it's benefits that outweigh everything else I think..i.e. remembering what I did last night and the night before!!
Hang on for the Miracle!

CarolD

Hevyn.... not normal.

I am special. So are you!