mle-sober

I have a very perceptive and brave 11 year old boy. He's seen me be a drunk and in some awful times. And he's seen me recovering and in treatment. Tonight, he noticed my empty glass after dinner - a water glass that had held a mix of grape juice and Pelligrino. And he smelled it and looked at me and said, "Mom, what's this?" I told him. The moment passed.

He waited until after dinner clean up and we were settling on the couch and he said, "Mom, I have to say this and you can just ignore me if you want. I mean I don't really know what I'm talking about. But it seems to me, that when you drink grape juice and Pelligrino, it's kind of like when you where drinking and you are just substituting one thing for another. Didn't you put wine in that to hide it from us? And don't you think that when you get better, you want to really get better and not just substitue something else?"

I was blown away. I've been completely honest and open about my recovery and I've answered any questions my children have had. I did put wine in the juice to hide it, when I was drinking. I guess I told him that at some point. Or else he could tell.

I didn't know what to say at first except to tell him that I was glad he had spoken his mind and I thought he was brave and perceptive. I don't really want to give up my juice cocktail when I'm cooking. It does feel like a substitution - a cheap one but still.... I know I'm pretending when I drink it. I want to model the best recovery for my kids that I can .... all of these thoughts go through my head.

I told him I would ask you guys what you thought. And I have an aftercare group I go to on Tuesdays - I'd ask them too. So what do you think?

Thank you.

Pinkcuda

I weaned myself off beer with N/A. I feel very lucky I didn't fall off the fence in the other direction. Be Vigilant.
I found out that Ice Water wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. Try that.

gravity

Personally, I wouldn't drink anything that resembles an alcoholic beverage, especially around my family. You & I are both still early in our sobriety and something like this would definitely be a red-flag to my wife (my kids are younger). I think that she would take it as a sign that I'm not done drinking regardless of my committment to sobriety. The trust just isn't there yet. She would worry.

By the way, thats really cool that you have such an open dialogue with your son.

Just my opinion!

Take care.

Dee74

Well, everyone I know substituted something - smoking, eating, candy, coffee - I substituted a lot of fairly unhealthy sugary crap until I found soda water...

eventually I came to be drinking a lot less of that - a friend and I were discussing this week - we don't *need* to be drinking something anymore....the security blanket thing is gone.

But none of my substitutions were anything I could ever even 'pretend' were alcoholic....
I'd be really careful if you think your boy has a point.

smart kid.
D

Rusty Zipper

hey mle... try the white grape juice?

you have a careing boy there mle...

its said, God or a Higher Power speaks through other people!


honestly take a good look at what your boys message is...

he loves and cares for his mother!

good wishes mle

rz

bigredme

I think you have a VERY bright boy. I'm with him. Try to stay away from behaviors/habits you developed when you were drinking. It will be safer for everyone and certainly make him feel better. Tap water with ice ain't bad! What a wonderful kid...you must be doing something right! Good luck honey.
bigredme

gypsytears

Sometimes grape juice is just grape juice. If it's something more than you need to decide what to do about it. Kudos to your son for speaking his mind.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi Mle,

You have obviously done a great job raising your kids! Pat yourself on the back for that one..

I would check your motives on the grape juice thing.

xo

least

Your son is very perceptive. Why don't you ask him what he thinks you ought to do/drink, now that you're not drinking. I'd put a lot of stock in his answer as he's obviously very smart.:ghug2

If you got his input on this question he might feel good about being an important part of your recovery.

Katecan

mle, my 14 year old son did the same thing to me this weekend. He asked what I was drinking. I told him it was apple juice. He had a sip and went on. That's as far as it went, but I wonder now why he asked. Maybe he thought it was white wine??? I'll have to ask him about this.

ImJulie

Hiya mle.
To me, the issue isnt if you drink grape juice, mix grape juice and pelligrino, or drink coca-cola from a wine glass.
The bigger issue is what your son was "really" saying.
In his 11 year old words, he was saying Im scared. I have fears that you will drink again.
Is there an Alateen group in your area?
Honest, open communication helps too. And time.....
isnt that what many of our loved ones fear? That we will drink again? No wonder they fear it! They've seen us at our worst!
Just as we are in recovery, so are our family members.

Katecan

Thanks Julie. Alateen sounds like a good idea. I'll have to look into this.

ImJulie

My dad was/is an alcoholic. I saw him drunk...then when I was 8 he made it to the rooms of AA and began his journey to recovery.
Nobody ever wondered if we kids needed something......everyone knew my dad needed meetings...he was a sicko! And he had the history to prove it.
But us...what could be wrong with us, other than a drunk dad?
Well, now he wasnt drunk anymore...so life goes on?
Nope...life doesnt just go on. I carried alot of issues around with me...in some ways, I still do.
Its very tough on kids...dealing with alcoholism and all the garbage it brings.
I wish someone had of suggested Alateen back then.

Emimily

i used to drink out of my mom's diet coke all the time right after she got sober, just to check. just to make sure.

your kid sounds awesome. personally, i think the closer you two get, the better off you both are. rock on, sober mama!

mle-sober

Well, you all made me smile this morning. I think there's some general consensus that I need to pay attention to what this person who's only 11 but who's opinion counts anyway - I need to pay attention to what he's expressing. And check my own motives. It makes it real clear. Thank you all for the input. I love this site. It really helps me clear my head of some junk and get the good stuff simmering. Love to you all.

ImJulie

Lovin's right back at ya!:ghug3

warrens

MLE

Others have pretty much said it all. I'd love to have a conversation with your son. I'd tell him how lucky he is on so many levels. How the pain and fear will turn to life advantages one day. That which doesn't kill us...etc.

I don't know what Pelligrino is. I satisfy my "cravings" with grapefruit juice. Lots of it. I don't like sweets of any kind.

Sounds like your son seized upon what we in education call the "teachable moment." Those unplanned times when the real learning takes place.

The only "beware" I'd pass along is that you make clear to him who is the parent and who is the child. He needs to know that and sometimes those roles get a bit muddied when we are "active." My kids were perceptive as well, but I needed to also give them the security of knowing that I would still be parenting them.

Trust takes time. He should be thankful that you have chosen to share your recovery with him. He may question, but he no longer has to wonder whether you know what he knows. Kids can deal with serious illnesses better when they have the facts. Particularly when the prognosis has a chance of being good.

Thanks for a wonderful share.

warren