struggling with partners drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
struggling with partners drinking
urgh, well as some of you know, im hitting 25 days sober now, and i wanted to pick peoples brains about how to deal with it when your partner drinks a fair bit :S
We went away at the weekend and i myself , despite being nagged to drink by other people stayed sober, and i just started to get offended by other peoples behaviour, im starting to feel like a complete prude
Our kids ride motocross competively so its a big family event and we spend lots of time away camping while they race, inevitabley it turns into a big drinking session for some of the adults/ older kids.
I dunno, i just felt SO out of it, i was so aware of the fact that people were drunk, including my partner who managed to fall out of the camper van after 5 ciders.......
I became VERY critical of him, watching what he did/said and how he spoke to the kids, if he raised his voice , for instance, id be thinking to myself " thats because youve been drinking"
I watched him constantly, mentally noting how much he'd had......i mean WTF? WHO AM I? TO LOOK DOWN ON HIM? AFTER MY HISTORY.?
Maybe im just projecting my own experinces/behaviour whilst drunk onto him?
I dunno, i didnt want to be around any of them, but its something i guess im going to have to come to terms with, i just dont know how i can live with him without turning into a judgemental hypocrite!!! arghhh .. thoughts please anyone????
We went away at the weekend and i myself , despite being nagged to drink by other people stayed sober, and i just started to get offended by other peoples behaviour, im starting to feel like a complete prude
Our kids ride motocross competively so its a big family event and we spend lots of time away camping while they race, inevitabley it turns into a big drinking session for some of the adults/ older kids.
I dunno, i just felt SO out of it, i was so aware of the fact that people were drunk, including my partner who managed to fall out of the camper van after 5 ciders.......
I became VERY critical of him, watching what he did/said and how he spoke to the kids, if he raised his voice , for instance, id be thinking to myself " thats because youve been drinking
"I watched him constantly, mentally noting how much he'd had......i mean WTF? WHO AM I? TO LOOK DOWN ON HIM? AFTER MY HISTORY.?
Maybe im just projecting my own experinces/behaviour whilst drunk onto him?
I dunno, i didnt want to be around any of them, but its something i guess im going to have to come to terms with, i just dont know how i can live with him without turning into a judgemental hypocrite!!! arghhh .. thoughts please anyone????
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm single so have no advice or perspective on a 'significant other's' drinking. I would think, tho, that not judging them would be critical, but if they were putting anyone in danger, by being abusive or hateful or critical, or driving while drinking, I would then interfere for the good of the kids and myself. I would try not to be too critical but would not let them put anyone in danger. Does that make sense?
I would imagine it's hard to watch, especially when you've got sober time and can now depend on yourself not to drink or do stupid drunken things.
Just remember too that when someone is drunk, or has been drinking a fair amount, that they won't respond very positively or enthusiastically to criticism.
I wish you the best in dealing with this issue. I wish I had something more useful to tell you.
:praying
I would imagine it's hard to watch, especially when you've got sober time and can now depend on yourself not to drink or do stupid drunken things.
Just remember too that when someone is drunk, or has been drinking a fair amount, that they won't respond very positively or enthusiastically to criticism.
I wish you the best in dealing with this issue. I wish I had something more useful to tell you.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
My partner and I are both in recovery......but that doesnt mean for one second that just because he doesnt drink anymore, doesnt mean I dont take issue with his attitudes, and choices.
I went and got myself an AlAnon daily reminder book.
Its been a really helpful tool in getting my focus OFF him and where it should be, on my recovery.
He can be a miserable s.o.b (like this morning) but Im learning how to detatch from that and live my life....the life I want. The one that is full of promise and hope.
I focus on my kids when he's in "a mood".
"Live and Let Live" is one of the most difficult slogans for me right now. But growth comes from doing the difficult, so Im willing to practice.
Love and peace to you.
I went and got myself an AlAnon daily reminder book.
Its been a really helpful tool in getting my focus OFF him and where it should be, on my recovery.
He can be a miserable s.o.b (like this morning) but Im learning how to detatch from that and live my life....the life I want. The one that is full of promise and hope.
I focus on my kids when he's in "a mood".
"Live and Let Live" is one of the most difficult slogans for me right now. But growth comes from doing the difficult, so Im willing to practice.
Love and peace to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi,
My suggestion is to just keep the focus on you and take it off your husband. Obviously that's not clearcut, because if you think he's treating the children badly, then you need to speak up. I have to say, if it was me, I'd go watch the motocross race, but I'd stay away from everybody else as much as possible. Maybe you could participate in the race some way, that kept you away from the drinkers. It took a long time for me to feel alright being around people who were drinking.
My suggestion is to just keep the focus on you and take it off your husband. Obviously that's not clearcut, because if you think he's treating the children badly, then you need to speak up. I have to say, if it was me, I'd go watch the motocross race, but I'd stay away from everybody else as much as possible. Maybe you could participate in the race some way, that kept you away from the drinkers. It took a long time for me to feel alright being around people who were drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Warren doesn't give advice. I don't feel qualified, nor do I wish the responsibility.
But. I will relate my own experiences in hopes they might be of help.
I am 9+ weeks sober. My companion loves her vodka and drinks it responsibly. She is very aware of my issues and probably would have left had I continued. It wasn't something mentioned, but my drinking was in the way of our love and lives together.
I felt it unfair to ask her to give up what she enjoys and deserves. She is a surgical nurse and helps relieve the traumas she lives daily with a drink or two. A big bottle of vodka is always around.
I haven't had any problem with her drinking. I can smell it occasionally. Serves as a reminder of what I must have smelled like.
We live in the same world we did when we were drinking. What is evident to us now, we personified to others for years. The only difference is the observer. If I am to live life successfully, I must live in that world successfully. The boy in the bubble eventually died.
So, no suggestions for you, but my approach works for me. My recovery is so important that I won't let anything interfere with that, including the real world. My lady is so important, that I'm not going to ask her to alter her behavior. Fortunately, my lifestyle is such that I am not exposed to mass drinking and intoxication. It wasn't while I was drinking. I drank alone.
My sobriety comes from within. Nothing external can affect it. My only threats are internal. Otherwise, I would find it difficult to navigate this alcohol soaked world.
Best to you. I might question however, why a kid's activity is occasion for drinking. Kinda sets a strange example, doesn't it? Alcohol and motors are bad bedfellows. I know that only too well.
warren
A bird never doubts its place at the center of the universe.*
Focus on centering, on knowing your center, on coming from center.
... a little bird-watching would be a good thing too ...
But. I will relate my own experiences in hopes they might be of help.
I am 9+ weeks sober. My companion loves her vodka and drinks it responsibly. She is very aware of my issues and probably would have left had I continued. It wasn't something mentioned, but my drinking was in the way of our love and lives together.
I felt it unfair to ask her to give up what she enjoys and deserves. She is a surgical nurse and helps relieve the traumas she lives daily with a drink or two. A big bottle of vodka is always around.
I haven't had any problem with her drinking. I can smell it occasionally. Serves as a reminder of what I must have smelled like.
We live in the same world we did when we were drinking. What is evident to us now, we personified to others for years. The only difference is the observer. If I am to live life successfully, I must live in that world successfully. The boy in the bubble eventually died.
So, no suggestions for you, but my approach works for me. My recovery is so important that I won't let anything interfere with that, including the real world. My lady is so important, that I'm not going to ask her to alter her behavior. Fortunately, my lifestyle is such that I am not exposed to mass drinking and intoxication. It wasn't while I was drinking. I drank alone.
My sobriety comes from within. Nothing external can affect it. My only threats are internal. Otherwise, I would find it difficult to navigate this alcohol soaked world.
Best to you. I might question however, why a kid's activity is occasion for drinking. Kinda sets a strange example, doesn't it? Alcohol and motors are bad bedfellows. I know that only too well.
warren
A bird never doubts its place at the center of the universe.*
Focus on centering, on knowing your center, on coming from center.
... a little bird-watching would be a good thing too ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
to be fair, they are part of a huge club that caters for people aged 6- 60.
Because the meetings are not usually local for everyone, the tendency is to arrive on a friday or saturday evening, camp overnight and then the racing goes on in the morning.
Its usually the evenings in the paddock when SOME people start getting drunk.
I suppose unlike some peoples partners i am slightly uncomfortable as i feel mine DOES/and always HAS overdone it slighty. i suppose inevitabley im going to become more aware of that if i am not drinking myself.
There is also an "element" at these meets who DO really go for it drinking, and i suppose i have only myself to blame for them hanging around our camper when all last year i was rarely seen without a glass of wine myself.........
I hear what people are saying, keep it simple and about me not them.
Im trying to keep the dialogue about my past drinking open all the time with my partner, in the hope that maybe my honesty will help him to cut down a bit himself, if not make him think a little.
I guess it is inevitable that im going to find it difficult to deal with my partner slurring drunkenly, stinking of booze, that he loves me , pretty hard to take after only 25 days sober!
I know only *i* am responsible for my problem with drink, i just cant help sometimes resenting others insensitivity to the fact that im struggling so much, particularly when their the closest to me- even if i dont have any right to be resentful- sometimes i cant help it
I hope it gets easier as everyone keeps telling me it will.:sorry
Because the meetings are not usually local for everyone, the tendency is to arrive on a friday or saturday evening, camp overnight and then the racing goes on in the morning.
Its usually the evenings in the paddock when SOME people start getting drunk.
I suppose unlike some peoples partners i am slightly uncomfortable as i feel mine DOES/and always HAS overdone it slighty. i suppose inevitabley im going to become more aware of that if i am not drinking myself.
There is also an "element" at these meets who DO really go for it drinking, and i suppose i have only myself to blame for them hanging around our camper when all last year i was rarely seen without a glass of wine myself.........
I hear what people are saying, keep it simple and about me not them.
Im trying to keep the dialogue about my past drinking open all the time with my partner, in the hope that maybe my honesty will help him to cut down a bit himself, if not make him think a little.
I guess it is inevitable that im going to find it difficult to deal with my partner slurring drunkenly, stinking of booze, that he loves me , pretty hard to take after only 25 days sober!
I know only *i* am responsible for my problem with drink, i just cant help sometimes resenting others insensitivity to the fact that im struggling so much, particularly when their the closest to me- even if i dont have any right to be resentful- sometimes i cant help it
I hope it gets easier as everyone keeps telling me it will.:sorry
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I think it gets easier as you get a little more perspective.
You're doing great!
What I wanted desparately, when I was at your point of recovery, was for my family to understand what had happened to me, why I had started drinking and how scared and fragile I was. They, on the other hand, simply wanted their mother/wife back and didn't want to deal with any of the rest of it. It was hard for me to accept, but I had to. It made me realize that, even though we are connected, we are each of us, on our own individual journey. The purpose and the reasons for our personal journey don't really matter to other people, only to us.
You're doing great!
What I wanted desparately, when I was at your point of recovery, was for my family to understand what had happened to me, why I had started drinking and how scared and fragile I was. They, on the other hand, simply wanted their mother/wife back and didn't want to deal with any of the rest of it. It was hard for me to accept, but I had to. It made me realize that, even though we are connected, we are each of us, on our own individual journey. The purpose and the reasons for our personal journey don't really matter to other people, only to us.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Super I was very lucky that my wife is a "Normie" she does drink, but I have not seen her have a drink in over a year and a half. I found her amusing one day last summer, they had a lunch function out doors at her job lsat summer and she came home and told me "I had a beer!" like she was a 50 year old teenager!!!! LOL
My sponsor has been sober for over 19 years, his wife drank the whole time, they just recently seperated because her drinking has gotten out of control, he told me that he focused on his own sobriety and his program, he said it took him a while to get over the resentments he got due to her drinking when he first got sober. He said she really did not drink that much until the last 3-4 years. I can understand how he had to make a choice, I have known her about a year and and a half and have never seen her even close to sober.
Other then sharing how my sponsor hadled his wife drinking by focusing on his program and not on her drinking I have nothing to offer.
My sponsor has been sober for over 19 years, his wife drank the whole time, they just recently seperated because her drinking has gotten out of control, he told me that he focused on his own sobriety and his program, he said it took him a while to get over the resentments he got due to her drinking when he first got sober. He said she really did not drink that much until the last 3-4 years. I can understand how he had to make a choice, I have known her about a year and and a half and have never seen her even close to sober.
Other then sharing how my sponsor hadled his wife drinking by focusing on his program and not on her drinking I have nothing to offer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Super
Super! Sounds like you have a very healthy perspective. Why the 'sorry?' I don't get it. I see nothing to be sorry about.
What Anna says is only too true. In my case, it is an interesting paradox. On the one hand, my drinking was seriously affecting my relationship. It wasn't something that Susan talked about much, occasionally she would say "I'm concerned about you," or something to that effect. Only recently did I learn that she was contemplating leaving.
So, what did I expect when I quit? Not what I received. No hoorays, cheers, hugs, celebration. Susan merely accepted it in the same way she "accepted" my drinking. Only now she is with me in body and spirit. She simply expects me to be the man she loves. And now I am acting like one. Funny how that works.
I think I prefer it that way. My sobriety is MY thing. She knows now that I will be sober with or without her. It's not about ultimatums, fear, or anything external. My need for sobriety is internal to me. And that is the only sobriety that she can trust.
warren
Super! Sounds like you have a very healthy perspective. Why the 'sorry?' I don't get it. I see nothing to be sorry about.
What Anna says is only too true. In my case, it is an interesting paradox. On the one hand, my drinking was seriously affecting my relationship. It wasn't something that Susan talked about much, occasionally she would say "I'm concerned about you," or something to that effect. Only recently did I learn that she was contemplating leaving.
So, what did I expect when I quit? Not what I received. No hoorays, cheers, hugs, celebration. Susan merely accepted it in the same way she "accepted" my drinking. Only now she is with me in body and spirit. She simply expects me to be the man she loves. And now I am acting like one. Funny how that works.
I think I prefer it that way. My sobriety is MY thing. She knows now that I will be sober with or without her. It's not about ultimatums, fear, or anything external. My need for sobriety is internal to me. And that is the only sobriety that she can trust.
warren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
Its becoming very apparent to me how easily the focus can shift from yourself and your sobriety to others and what they're doing.
And yes i will too be sober with or without him, i hope he respects me for that!
I guess part of my personality i have to come to terms with, and ironically probably the reason i STARTED drinking was a great need for approval/ love and reassurance!
I keep looking for that from him over MY sobriety when really i guess i shouldnt be, thats why im sorry............
Ah well, he is in the garden drinking, i am in here posting............... its all good
And yes i will too be sober with or without him, i hope he respects me for that!
I guess part of my personality i have to come to terms with, and ironically probably the reason i STARTED drinking was a great need for approval/ love and reassurance!
I keep looking for that from him over MY sobriety when really i guess i shouldnt be, thats why im sorry............
Ah well, he is in the garden drinking, i am in here posting............... its all good
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Oh, supernothing, that's such an interesting comment.
I also spent years of my life looking for approval from my husband, my children, my parents. What I was looking for never came. But, I have found the approval inside of myself.
I also spent years of my life looking for approval from my husband, my children, my parents. What I was looking for never came. But, I have found the approval inside of myself.
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
When i went on my 2 months i basicly was like screw people if they want me to drink. I am tougher than that. If you can't understand the stupid stuff i go through then you aren't my friend congrats stay strong and take it moment by moment
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Super,
I'm weak and new to sobriety. I don't know how so many people can go to events where people are drinking (especially their spouses) or be around people drinking even at home.... Maybe I'll get better at it. I hope. But I honestly don't trust my sobriety enough yet. I just have to opt out of those events. And I have said I don't want alcohol in my house for now.
I don't feel resentful about not being able to drink when I'm around alcohol. I just feel strongly compelled to drink. I just think it's a real possibility that I would reach out for the wine bottle and pour a whole bunch in my cup and take it to the bathroom. I did it one time in a room full of people when I was trying to quit and no one noticed. And I really felt like I was trying not to drink. It felt like it was outside of my control. I know it wasn't. But it felt that way. I just have to get stronger first.
Hopefully.
I'm weak and new to sobriety. I don't know how so many people can go to events where people are drinking (especially their spouses) or be around people drinking even at home.... Maybe I'll get better at it. I hope. But I honestly don't trust my sobriety enough yet. I just have to opt out of those events. And I have said I don't want alcohol in my house for now.
I don't feel resentful about not being able to drink when I'm around alcohol. I just feel strongly compelled to drink. I just think it's a real possibility that I would reach out for the wine bottle and pour a whole bunch in my cup and take it to the bathroom. I did it one time in a room full of people when I was trying to quit and no one noticed. And I really felt like I was trying not to drink. It felt like it was outside of my control. I know it wasn't. But it felt that way. I just have to get stronger first.
Hopefully.
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