hysterical and have to go to work
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
You have the choice to do things differently B - nothings ever gonna change if all you so is sit in this I'm crap mentality....
if you think that way - the outcome's always gonna be assured....
You really are better than this.
D
if you think that way - the outcome's always gonna be assured....
You really are better than this.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
i screwed up Im dissappointed, but I didint do too much damage, and im not off and running I decided to plant my feet back on the grown immeadiately.
I was in and out around 4 and 5 this morning and jon is fuming. He will be home soon and Im scaird hes gonna freak on me and kick me out.
I cleaned the whole apt and im making dinner to smooth the waters a bit. Although my cooking is a sure way to get kicked out LOL.
He doesnt know what I was doing, he just assumed cause I came home late, I wasnt druggin, just some booze (not that thats excusable, but still better than crack).
His last words to me were " you can take the bitch out of the street, but you cant take the street out of the bitch" real nice. So I guess Im nothing but a bitch to him.
Just to screw with mv head he started to say "no wonder roe' I cut him off right there and told him not to speak about things he knows nothing about.
If everyone has had it with me than it has to be me.
I have been trying so hard. Im sorry it isnt going fast enough for.
people dont see the suffering they only see the flaw of being a drunk.
I could totally understand people dismissing me as a drunk if I wasnt working so hard to get it together. They just dont understand the challenges and hold the small slip ups against me, but never acknowledge the steps ive taken to go forward.
I was in and out around 4 and 5 this morning and jon is fuming. He will be home soon and Im scaird hes gonna freak on me and kick me out.
I cleaned the whole apt and im making dinner to smooth the waters a bit. Although my cooking is a sure way to get kicked out LOL.
He doesnt know what I was doing, he just assumed cause I came home late, I wasnt druggin, just some booze (not that thats excusable, but still better than crack).
His last words to me were " you can take the bitch out of the street, but you cant take the street out of the bitch" real nice. So I guess Im nothing but a bitch to him.
Just to screw with mv head he started to say "no wonder roe' I cut him off right there and told him not to speak about things he knows nothing about.
If everyone has had it with me than it has to be me.
I have been trying so hard. Im sorry it isnt going fast enough for.
people dont see the suffering they only see the flaw of being a drunk.
I could totally understand people dismissing me as a drunk if I wasnt working so hard to get it together. They just dont understand the challenges and hold the small slip ups against me, but never acknowledge the steps ive taken to go forward.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
You don't need other people in your life to acknowledge what you've been doing Beth.
Do it for yourself and be happy with yourself.
My experience from early sobriety, is that it takes a lot of patience to wait for people in your life to believe in you, and maybe they never will. Either way, it's okay.
Do it for yourself and be happy with yourself.
My experience from early sobriety, is that it takes a lot of patience to wait for people in your life to believe in you, and maybe they never will. Either way, it's okay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I agrre with you whole heartedly. I know its gonna take a long time to right all the wrongs ive done. Actually I cant really make any of that right, but I dont have to behave that way anymore.
your right I dont NEED there it acknowledgement, but I do need them to stop slamming me for the past. Im not asking them to forget or forgive me, but I do widh they would give me the time and space to let me forgive myself and move on. Yelling at me for something I did 3 years ago as if it happened yesterday just doesnt seem like a supportive attitude.
OK I screwed up I acknowledge I screwed up, but they doesnt define who i am. And sometimes i wish people could just see me for me and not only the addict.
Its very hard for me to except and deal with that attitude and lack of faith, but I know that will probably be my cross to bare for sometime to come.
And I have to face it fing up last night only proves that maybe they are right.
your right I dont NEED there it acknowledgement, but I do need them to stop slamming me for the past. Im not asking them to forget or forgive me, but I do widh they would give me the time and space to let me forgive myself and move on. Yelling at me for something I did 3 years ago as if it happened yesterday just doesnt seem like a supportive attitude.
OK I screwed up I acknowledge I screwed up, but they doesnt define who i am. And sometimes i wish people could just see me for me and not only the addict.
Its very hard for me to except and deal with that attitude and lack of faith, but I know that will probably be my cross to bare for sometime to come.
And I have to face it fing up last night only proves that maybe they are right.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
B if you wait until everyone around you is helpful and supportive, you're more than likely gonna die like this.
And - bluntly? you have 2 full pages of support here, and you fell over anyway...
It's not anyone else's problem to deal with - it's yours.
You have to deal with it, and deal with it now, whether other people 'get it' or not.
OK, that's not easy, but if getting recovery right was easy none of us would be here - we wouldn't need this place.
I may sound harsh, but I think you need to hear this stuff - I don't want you wasting the rest of your life in some oops-white knuckle-oops-white knuckle loop.
You want support? For gawdssake, try a meeting. Sit in the back if you like, but at least then you'll know whether that's the something you need to break this cycle...a meetings gotta be better than buying booze (and btw seeing as I'm cranky - 'hey, at least I didn't do crack' is a really dumb thing to say and you know it....)
You really are better than all this and you really do have something to offer, and some people - some very good people - never get out of this hell, B.
I'm hoping you're not one of them.
D
And - bluntly? you have 2 full pages of support here, and you fell over anyway...
It's not anyone else's problem to deal with - it's yours.
You have to deal with it, and deal with it now, whether other people 'get it' or not.
OK, that's not easy, but if getting recovery right was easy none of us would be here - we wouldn't need this place.
I may sound harsh, but I think you need to hear this stuff - I don't want you wasting the rest of your life in some oops-white knuckle-oops-white knuckle loop.
You want support? For gawdssake, try a meeting. Sit in the back if you like, but at least then you'll know whether that's the something you need to break this cycle...a meetings gotta be better than buying booze (and btw seeing as I'm cranky - 'hey, at least I didn't do crack' is a really dumb thing to say and you know it....)
You really are better than all this and you really do have something to offer, and some people - some very good people - never get out of this hell, B.
I'm hoping you're not one of them.
D
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
best way to level things out is to by being clean and sober, friends and family will eventually notice. So it requires action one day at a time not endlessly analysing and living in the past and the future, that just giving our dis ease full reign.
Kevin
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Riverton, Utah
Posts: 48
Beth, I don't know you but I understand the fear. I lived in fear of everything everyday. Not being good enough, smart enough, thin enough. I thought people only liked the drunk me. The only courage I could find came from a bottle. Putting down the bottle and allowing myself to 'wake up' helped some of those fears go away. I had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other to get into treatment. But I have found the most amazing, caring 'real' friends that I could have ever imagined. You CAN do it, I believe in you!!
Wendy
Wendy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
D, When I first read your post my first response was you are right.
I am stupid, stupid to think I could ever stop using, stupid to think my life will ever get better, stupid to think I could ever put humpty dumpty
(bethy wethy) back together.
Im fighting this sucky addiction, depression, mental anguish, fear, guilt, grief, heartbreak, low self-esteem, self loathing, etc. All at the same time.
On top of that I have the physical pain which is preventing me from doing things that could replace the drinking.
did my usual crying.
Whatever misgivings Roe has ie. selfishishness. I accept her for all she is and I friggin miss her, and honestly I dont feel like going on. Im going on though cause I keep reminding myself everything is temporary. This will pass.
After some thought I know I cant blame the friendship crisis. I havent been doin the things I was to stay on track.
Havent been journaling or working on recovery workbook. Ive been spending all my time helping Roe move and was neglecting my needs.( which has me pissed now)
Ive also been talking to people I shouldnt, just the small brief contact is too much. They are triggers. PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS....I havent been paying attention.
I have the meeting book out and considering going If something is where I can get to.
I have to stop letting my emotion get the best of me.
I usually prefer to follow my heart, but I think I need to keep my head in charge right now.
This morning I had every intention of killing myself, now I feel better so for anyone that might ever contemplate suicide DONT DO IT if you sweat it out you will feel better.
I love you guys. :ghug3 I wish I wasnt such a putz and i would listen better. It would make life so much easier.
I am stupid, stupid to think I could ever stop using, stupid to think my life will ever get better, stupid to think I could ever put humpty dumpty
(bethy wethy) back together.
Im fighting this sucky addiction, depression, mental anguish, fear, guilt, grief, heartbreak, low self-esteem, self loathing, etc. All at the same time.
On top of that I have the physical pain which is preventing me from doing things that could replace the drinking.
did my usual crying.
Whatever misgivings Roe has ie. selfishishness. I accept her for all she is and I friggin miss her, and honestly I dont feel like going on. Im going on though cause I keep reminding myself everything is temporary. This will pass.
After some thought I know I cant blame the friendship crisis. I havent been doin the things I was to stay on track.
Havent been journaling or working on recovery workbook. Ive been spending all my time helping Roe move and was neglecting my needs.( which has me pissed now)
Ive also been talking to people I shouldnt, just the small brief contact is too much. They are triggers. PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS....I havent been paying attention.
I have the meeting book out and considering going If something is where I can get to.
I have to stop letting my emotion get the best of me.
I usually prefer to follow my heart, but I think I need to keep my head in charge right now.
This morning I had every intention of killing myself, now I feel better so for anyone that might ever contemplate suicide DONT DO IT if you sweat it out you will feel better.
I love you guys. :ghug3 I wish I wasnt such a putz and i would listen better. It would make life so much easier.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Originally Posted by Change4life 
D, When I first read your post my first response was you are right.
I am stupid, stupid to think I could ever stop using, stupid to think my life will ever get better, stupid to think I could ever put humpty dumpty
(bethy wethy) back together.
Im fighting this sucky addiction, depression, mental anguish, fear, guilt, grief, heartbreak, low self-esteem, self loathing, etc. All at the same time.
On top of that I have the physical pain which is preventing me from doing things that could replace the drinking.
did my usual crying.
On top of that I have the physical pain which is preventing me from doing things that could replace the drinking.
did my usual crying.
After some thought I know I cant blame the friendship crisis. I havent been doin the things I was to stay on track.
Havent been journaling or working on recovery workbook. Ive been spending all my time helping Roe move and was neglecting my needs.( which has me pissed now)
Ive also been talking to people I shouldnt, just the small brief contact is too much. They are triggers. PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS....I havent been paying attention.
I have the meeting book out and considering going If something is where I can get to.
I have to stop letting my emotion get the best of me.
I usually prefer to follow my heart, but I think I need to keep my head in charge right now.
Havent been journaling or working on recovery workbook. Ive been spending all my time helping Roe move and was neglecting my needs.( which has me pissed now)
Ive also been talking to people I shouldnt, just the small brief contact is too much. They are triggers. PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS....I havent been paying attention.
I have the meeting book out and considering going If something is where I can get to.
I have to stop letting my emotion get the best of me.
I usually prefer to follow my heart, but I think I need to keep my head in charge right now.
This morning I had every intention of killing myself, now I feel better so for anyone that might ever contemplate suicide DONT DO IT if you sweat it out you will feel better.
I love you guys. :ghug3 I wish I wasnt such a putz and i would listen better. It would make life so much easier.
I love you guys. :ghug3 I wish I wasnt such a putz and i would listen better. It would make life so much easier.
I'm not keen on losing any more of my mates, and we all need you here
take care - proud of you
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Came home from work and my neighbors kid was outside bored with nothing to do, felt bad for her so we got some chalk drew a hopscotch board and thats how I spent my afternoon. Im trying to do a nice thing and play with a kid thats lonely, help take my mind off things and having fun doing it. I throw my stone and bam, im thinking **** one month from now I might be in friggin prison. Dont think they play hopscotch during rec. Man Im scaird about so many things.
Without a car no meetings for me until sunday.
Meetings. The closest I get is looking through the meeting book
Without a car no meetings for me until sunday.
Meetings. The closest I get is looking through the meeting book
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