SleeplessInScio

She has been in recovery (I believe) for 5 months. But last night she received a DUI. I know she does want to stay in recovery and called an AA friend to pick her up from lock-up. What should *I* do? If it were you, what would be best for you?

Thank you.......

Hevyn

Hello Sleepless. It being a Saturday alot of the "regulars" are probably not around right now, but they will be! I am the AW, but have also been where you are with my former husband (we were married 12 yrs., he's now dead). I wish with all my heart I had recognized the disease for what it was and gone to Al-Anon meetings, but I never reached out to anyone with my problem. I was the classic enabler. You aren't - be glad of that! He never once acknowledged his illness, but your wife has, and that's huge. As for me, when I recently stopped it was because I faced certain death or insanity if I didn't. I needed to stop 25 years ago before my 3 DUI's, lost relationships, health problems.....but I was determined to be a social drinker, anything but give it up all together - how could I go through life without my anesthesia!? I had to feel like absolute hell and fear for my life before I'd quit. Let's hope your lady can put a stop to this before she leaves a trail of misery & destruction behind her like so many of us have. Please keep posting & reading - you have found a wonderful place with amazing inhabitants!

SleeplessInScio

Some more back story.......

I was away doing a sleep study for sleep apnia, which I have, and received the call in the hospital at 3:45am about my AW. The police said my son was home alone but a neighbor was now there with an officer. (He is fine, never woke up and knows nothing even happened.) When I got home 45 min later the officer said they were going to charge her with reckless child endangerment (or something like that). She was picked up by my mother-in-law's boyfriend and taken to her house and is prohibited from coming home until after a court hearing in 10 days.

I am not allowed to see her either because I am the primary caregiver for our 3 year old. I am going to take her some books, a favorite pillow and a bag of clothes to her mother for her. Anything else?

Thoughts?

parentrecovers

i'm the mom of an alcoholic, so i understand how you feel. the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your child. let your wife face her consequences. i know how hard it is to detach. alanon meetings, sr, and private counseling help me let go.

support and prayers for you, your child, and your wife - k

Hevyn

If you have time, I'd include a letter of support & encouragement to her that she can read and re-read when she feels better. (I'm sure she is humiliated and frightened right now, and terribly shaky.) Maybe you could tell her you hope this is the beginning of a new day - an event like this never needs to happen again in her life, and she must surrender. How kind of you to be thinking of her comfort when I'm sure you are angry and worried. Please let us know how it goes.

least

AlAnon would be a good place for you to start, so you can understand her (and her behavior) better. A letter of support is also a good idea. I'm sure she is in a bad place emotionally, knowing that your son was home alone. I am a single mother and until three weeks ago, a practicing alcoholic. I always thought I "had it together" but my 18 yr old daughter told me that I'd picked her up from school, and other places, when I was drunk. That scared me, cause I never thought I'd been "that bad".

This may be the wake up call your wife needs to hear. Let her know that she does have to face the consequences of her actions but that she can still recover, starting today.

And do keep coming back here for support and encouragement. This is a great safe place for advice. I wish the best for you in this trying time.:ghug3

SleeplessInScio

Hummmm..... the letter sounds like a good idea. Angry? Perhaps I should be but not so much. We all worry about each other, A or not. Concerned for finances. But that too will pass, always has. Concerned for her you bet because she is very closed off and I had no clue about this. (Not that I could have done anything.) Disappointed, yes. Hopeful, yes.

SleeplessInScio

I relayed a card to her with a note in it. I didn't know what to say. Just a note saying we are ok, love her and have hope. I also included a candy bar and said to have a bite a day as it is us, then we are with you.

Thanks all.....

parentrecovers

keep posting, sleepless. recovery is possible, for all of us. hugs, k

Tazman53

Sleepless sorry to hear things are not going well, I hope you are going to alanon to where you can learn the difference between support and enabling.

Well you ask what to do, well I can tell you what it took for this alcoholic to begin REAL recovery, what it took was me seeing that I was going to have to face my disease and all of its consequences ALONE!!! No one throwing my bail, no one paying my bills for me, no one doing my duties for me. I had to see that if I kept drinking not only was I going to die, but I was going to die alone, my wife and kids refused to do a damn thing to help me continue to drink! My wife had a place lined up to move her and the kids to, that way they did not have to watch me kill myself!!!

What got me to get and stay sober was not them leaving, but me seeing my future death from drinking because I had to face the reality of my alcoholism and its consequences ALONE!!!!!!

The best thing you can do is go to Alanon, take care of your self and your child, if your wife is going to recover she is going to have to do it for herself.