Sober Friday Nights
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
MLE Sober-You bring up some points that have been very difficult for me to think about. I have looked him in the eyes many times and said, it's a matter of life or death, I need to quit drinking and I need your help. And he always nods his head and says ok but he won't go to meetings and then he lugs these 12 packs home. So yeah, I've thought about what you've said and quite frankly I am scared to face it. I might be a self destructive alcoholic but I never set out to mess anyone else's life up but my own so it is hard for me to conceive of someone doing something like that. I'd rather think that since he's an alcoholic too he's just needing the company...I'm not sure. I'm 600 miles away from my family and friends and have thought that if this behavior on both of our parts continues, I will have to move back home and leave him here until I can sober up. Thank you for weighing in BTW. You said aloud what I have been afraid to say or think.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Falling Down -
When you tell me he's an alcoholic too it makes all the sense in the world. Of course he's going to try to get you to drink - he's scared as sh*t that he's going to have to quit.
In my outpatient group at the hospital, there was a woman with a similar situation. And when we talked about it, it really became clear. She either had to choose sobriety or she had to choose her significant other. She couldn't have both because he was intent on drinking himself to death and found every opportunity to try to take her with him.
She had to make a very tough choice. But the therapist said, "Look, this is YOUR life we are talking about. And YOUR sobriety. What are you willing to do for it? You can not do this half-way. It won't work."
Your situation might be different and I certainly don't have any right to say what I think you should do. But I can put myself in your shoes and feel the enormous suffering over this issue. And I can put myself in your shoes and know, with absolute certainty, that there is no way whatsoever that I would be capable of having a meaningful and loving relationship with a person who was an active alcoholic and who was also actively attempting to get me to drink. I'd either join him or leave him.
I hurt for you.
When you tell me he's an alcoholic too it makes all the sense in the world. Of course he's going to try to get you to drink - he's scared as sh*t that he's going to have to quit.
In my outpatient group at the hospital, there was a woman with a similar situation. And when we talked about it, it really became clear. She either had to choose sobriety or she had to choose her significant other. She couldn't have both because he was intent on drinking himself to death and found every opportunity to try to take her with him.
She had to make a very tough choice. But the therapist said, "Look, this is YOUR life we are talking about. And YOUR sobriety. What are you willing to do for it? You can not do this half-way. It won't work."
Your situation might be different and I certainly don't have any right to say what I think you should do. But I can put myself in your shoes and feel the enormous suffering over this issue. And I can put myself in your shoes and know, with absolute certainty, that there is no way whatsoever that I would be capable of having a meaningful and loving relationship with a person who was an active alcoholic and who was also actively attempting to get me to drink. I'd either join him or leave him.
I hurt for you.
Let go, let God.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 244
fallingdown, my husband is the exact same as yours. Does the exact same things to me. When I would get drunk and do something stupid, he would give me such a bad time after, then no sooner after offer me a beer or glass of wine along with a lecture to take it easy this time. When I read your posts, I sat here shaking my head. I do know my husbands an alcolohic, so that can help me to understand him. And, the big relief for me is he works out of town all week. That will also help.
I sure know what you're going through.
I sure know what you're going through.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
It makes it very tough...I use the term "alcoholic" to describe him but we're very different in our manner of drinking...he can have three or four a night but must have them EVERY night. I can go days without drinking but when I drink I will keep on drinking until I black out or pass out. I have seen him really "drunk" a handfull of times and he's probably seen me "fallingdown" more often than he can count. It's really pathetic, but I think we're both alcohol dependent regardless of our drinking styles. And I think he doesn't "get" it because he can stop at a point, and I really, literally, cannot. He's not accepting that, or understanding it, I'm not sure which right now.
A counselor told us once that we would probably have to separate to get sober but I know there are other people in AA and on SR who have managed to get clean with a drinking spouse and I keep hoping I can be one of them... but it's not really working so far.
A counselor told us once that we would probably have to separate to get sober but I know there are other people in AA and on SR who have managed to get clean with a drinking spouse and I keep hoping I can be one of them... but it's not really working so far.
Let go, let God.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 244
Our stories are so much the same. My husband drinks everyday, 2-3 beer week days and gets into the Lemon heart rum on the weekends and gets drunk at least one day on the weekend most of the times. I drink like you, till we run out or I passed out. I was worse. Another thing, he very seldom gets hangovers? Where I felt like I was on my death bed with them. Slept lots of days away.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
This is my opinion -
I would bet that both your husbands are just at an earlier stage in alcoholism than you both are - probably because they are men. They are just as incapable of controlling their drinking. They think they're controlling it because the amounts and times are less than yours when you started trying to quit, but they're not really controlling their drinking. Their alcoholism will progress just like everyone elses. Not that there's any comfort in that.
I would bet that both your husbands are just at an earlier stage in alcoholism than you both are - probably because they are men. They are just as incapable of controlling their drinking. They think they're controlling it because the amounts and times are less than yours when you started trying to quit, but they're not really controlling their drinking. Their alcoholism will progress just like everyone elses. Not that there's any comfort in that.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
"Another thing, he very seldom gets hangovers? Where I felt like I was on my death bed with them. Slept lots of days away."
From the literature I have read, alcohol is harder on a woman's body than a man's. Like MLE said, it doesn't mean it won't catch up to them because it most likely will (I have noticed my husband drinking more beer as time goes by). I think we're in a tough spot, it's almost as bad as someone trying to quit smoking crack when they have a spouse who is smoking rock in front of them, it would be almost impossible to quit in that situation. I don't think it's impossible in ours...but I do think it is going to take a tremendous amount of work and willpower....both of which I have become lacking of in the later stages of my drinking. I can tell you that when my husband drinks and I don't, he really gets on my nerves...hoping that will pass, I don't know how he's put up with years of seeing me so much drunker than him..ick!! How they could ever still offer us alcohol is really a mystery to me, at least if you guys were ever at the point I've been at which is completely sloppy, bloated, insane and miserable.
From the literature I have read, alcohol is harder on a woman's body than a man's. Like MLE said, it doesn't mean it won't catch up to them because it most likely will (I have noticed my husband drinking more beer as time goes by). I think we're in a tough spot, it's almost as bad as someone trying to quit smoking crack when they have a spouse who is smoking rock in front of them, it would be almost impossible to quit in that situation. I don't think it's impossible in ours...but I do think it is going to take a tremendous amount of work and willpower....both of which I have become lacking of in the later stages of my drinking. I can tell you that when my husband drinks and I don't, he really gets on my nerves...hoping that will pass, I don't know how he's put up with years of seeing me so much drunker than him..ick!! How they could ever still offer us alcohol is really a mystery to me, at least if you guys were ever at the point I've been at which is completely sloppy, bloated, insane and miserable.
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