fallingdown

Last night must have been a rough one for some of us newbies. I'm going to ramble a bit here so please forgive me, and if you manage to hang with me until the end of this I thank you so very much in advance.

After weeks of sleeping very soundly and feeling overall pretty darn good, I couldn't sleep a wink last night...tossed and turned and felt paralyzed by fear. The past 15 years of my life have been a lie. I have presented myself to my closest friends and loved ones as someone who is strong and sane and sober, while privately (and sometimes, not so) I have been a complete self destructive wreck for a very long time. From ages 17 to 28 I did some really bad stuff, things I have not allowed myself to think about or analyze for a very long time. If my family/friends knew certain things about me they might never talk to me again even though it was a long time ago. All my life I have been the one people (even my parents) can confide in because I'm a really good listener and good at giving others advice and all this time I myself have been dying inside trying to hold them up and forget my past and it's not working anymore.

When I first came on here I said I was going to go to the doctor and to get some meds to help me sober up and a few of you warned me about that. I bristled at you at the time but now I understand folks, I see it now, there's no antidepressant drug or anxiety pill that can really do what i need to do and I am using them as a crutch Some people DO need them but I don't think I have a chemical imbalance. I have a LIFE imbalance. It's not even a question of drinking v. not drinking anymore, I have to learn how to stop hating myself. I've gone to a few AA meetings and nodded and shared in all the right places but I'm not doing it right, am I? I've skimmed the big book just for the stories but I haven't really READ it. Can AA teach me how to be a person again? Will it help me forgive myself? Do I have to tell the people closest to me the things that I've done? I used to blame my drinking on my abusive childhood but now I know the truth, I STARTED drinking because of a bad childhood but I KEPT drinking so I wouldn't have to think about the things I did while I was drinking. I hate myself when I take a no-holds barred look in the mirror, have you been there? Are you there now? And is there a way out? Please let me know. I am sorry to be a wreck right now, I'm kind of having a mini-breakdown.

ImJulie

Holy cow...I could have wrote that. Maybe you are my long lost twin?
Or maybe we are all more alike than we really know.

My whole life was a lie. And Im going to tell you a secret:
We all think that if we let others see the "real" us, that they'd leave us/ridicule us/put us in jail/ put us in the looney bin/ shun us/ never speak to us again etc.

You are no longer alone my friend.
:ghug3

Anna

Yes, there is definitely a way out.

And, no, you don't need to anyone about things that you've done, at least not right now. At some point, you may want to tell someone that you trust deeply. I think right now, you are at a point where I was when I finally stopped drinking. I realized that my whole life was a sham and the person who went out the door every day and presented herself, was a stranger to me. I was very scared to confront the person who was really there, when everything else had fallen away. But, I did and you can do it too.

The thing is, many of us begin drinking because of abuse and other problems and then continue to drink because we don't know how to cope with life and we don't have the tools to deal with daily emotions. But, you can learn how to get through a day and a week without numbing yourself. And, it's actually a fascinating journey, not easy, but always interesting.

fallingdown

Aww you girls....I just can't stop crying, and my boss keeps calling me...lol...isn't that just the way it goes, I don't know what to say right know except I love you guys and i love SR and I'll keep coming back. I hope you do too.

ImJulie

Thanks...and please DO keep coming back.
Im glad you can feel the love. :ghug3

MagicMan08

I think in the aa book book, it is like pages 1-135. It covers all kinds of information about the AA and a little bit about the disease its self. It seems like you are maybe ready to try sobriety. Best of luck to you, I am sure excited to see what my sober life brings me. I guess I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

warrens

Falling

Some people call it an epiphany, others a catharsis, but I definitely think you're having one! What a great post.

Once upon a time, I taught in the inner, inner city. I learned that sympathy was a counterproductive emotion. Those kids had to be BETTER than their suburban counterparts. They had to succeed in SPITE of their lives and environment. Excusing deviant behavior was to, in effect, doom them to a lifetime of "bottom."

I was an orphan until age 3. Psychologists would have a field day with the attachment and separation issues there. So what? We all have baggage as part of the human experience.

Keep reaching deep FD. You'd be surprised what is in people's past, addict or not. It is who you are today that counts.

warren

fallingdown

Thank you, WarrenS

Dean62

Warren you always have good stuff to share. Thank you. You got that right fallingdown. Alcohol is but a symptom. We have to stop drinking to feel and to get to know who we really are. Alcohol is a major block against the real person inside coming out. You loathe yourself because you are looking through years of alcohol use. The real you is far better then the lie you tried to portray to others no matter how well you may have done with it.

There is a way, clean up and come learn how to live with us. It is an awesome journey. :ghug3

CarolD

When I did my AA Steps 4 & 5.....all my remorse and guilt vanished.

I strongly suggest anyone interested in solid recovery
give AA a chance to change your life.
One must do the Steps with a sponsor
and in order to get the full benefit of the program.

That's my personal experience and observation
Millions of us are enjoying our new lives...

gravity

On December 17, I was in the same place you are. Intense self-hatred, absolute mental wreck. AA has helped me forgive myself and learn to live a very good life. It’s about so much more than not drinking. I had to make a commitment to myself to work the entire program - 12 steps, sponsor, meetings. Truthfully, it has been a lot of work - not unpleasant and I had to do some stuff that I didn't want to do at the time but was a required part of my sobriety. I've actually had a lot of laughs along the way, made friends. It's good to know that I'm not alone and I have a support network. I certainly don’t hate myself anymore!

In retrospect, I wonder if that intense self-hatred I felt when I looked in the mirror was just another way that alcoholism was trying to keep me by the throat. I only saw the horrors of being me yet there was some pretty good stuff & potential right there in front of me. We are all human, we have all made mistakes. You deserve a good life.