GreenTea

At some point, drinking had become my only enjoyment in life. The only time I felt good, felt "real" or felt like myself was when I was drunk. Nothing else compared to it.

It was like I had "been up that mountain", and then when I came back down, nothing else was even close to it -- there was no other "kick" that would do it for me.

Keeping the bills paid -- whoop-de-do... Going for a walk and getting some fresh air -- phtsssaw... Actually sitting down, interacting with someone and really talking -- booooorrriiiiinnnng...

At some point in my life, drinking had become not simply AN enjoyment -- instead it had become THE enjoyment. Drunk was when I was "living", feeling like myself and okay with the world. Anything else I was doing was simply in support of that... such as working (money for more beer)... or talking with someone (an enabler to drink beer with)... or working on my car (transportation to get more beer)... taking some time off (days in a row to get hammered on beer).

"Self esteem through accomplishment" used to be one of my phrases, (yet another reason why I'm such a believer in service work). Somewhere along the line I forgot that. The very concept had become swallowed up in the progression of my alcoholism, (drowned in beer).

And when I wasn't drinking, oh man... talk about feeling low.

The hangovers were bad enough. "Anguish" definitely applies in my case. Even after a few days, when the acute withdrawals would subside, there I was, left empty and hollow. All the things I'd left undone were still there, staring me in the face and accumulating. Sometimes there was even more damage there for me to clean up, (as if there wasn't enough already).

And the depression... The alcoholic buzz would have me flying. When it would wear off, it would dump me in an even deeper ravine than when I started. I'd try so hard to keep the "high" going, to keep the night from ending and to hang on to those fleeting minutes of feeling good. Only they would end, my brain and mind having been wrung through a wringer... yet again.

Talk about a roller-coaster ride through hell... Like an almost constant "urgent desperation" to feel good about myself... and then later, a "desperate urgency" to simply not feel bad.

Something had to finally give, and it did...

It was me.

Life isn't all roses these days, and I still have a lot of problems in front of me, but it is real... Over time, my integrity has come back, as has my honesty and sense of responsibility. I feel "solid" again. I feel like "me" again... I feel "real" again... I'm still working on things like boundaries and self-esteem, but my "core" is intact once more, and that's a start... I again know who *I* am, (or at least have been shown glimpses), and can again assertively make that choice to be me.

It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen, and it can happen for you too. You don't have to "ride that roller-coaster" anymore if you don't want to. There is a better way and you are not alone.

Thank you for letting me share.

Captain Kirk

great post GT!
i really relate to that.
alcohol was my life. now i'm sober i don't know what to do and i have no idea how to go about dealing with simple things which 'normal' people don't seem to be mystyfied by,
take care. :ghug3

MagicMan08

There was a point some time ago where I was high or drunk waaay more hours on average than I was sober. If you don't count sleeping. It has become better in this last year, but when you become so accustomed to being buzzed up it DID become a way of life for me. I was always chasing that buzz....the obsessions were terrible....but at my prime I had an older alcoholic friend who always had a 1.75 of whisky and willing to share....