I don't know how to be sad without drinking
 

I just had a very emotional hour. Someone from our teen years contacted my sister and caught her up on all the gossip. (We've been out of touch for 20 years.) This person informed my sister that the man who took my virginity by rape had died 15 years ago by a drug overdose.

This man had been my boyfriend even though I was 14 and he was 23. He'd gotten a tattoo of me on his full upper body. He had prtected me from many dangers (except himself), introduced me to alcohol and cocaine. He had pushed and shoved me around emotionally and physically. He had belittled me when I didn't please him and he spoiled me when I was appealing to him. He refused to let me shoot heroin even though he did because he said it was bad. (I've thanked God for that ever since I became aware of the consequences of that decision he'd made.)

It was like I was raised by this man (after having very neglectful parents during my earlier years) and at the same time I was so very seriously damaged by him. My beginning drinking years where specifically to numb myself from all the hate and love I felt for him at the same time.

And now here I am crying because he died 15 years ago and I didn't know. I don't even know why I'm crying. I just feel so sad - for him and his own f...ed up life. And for me.

I do want to drink - this would be the perfect time. Wine and loud music. But I know I will not. And God is here and he knows I won't drink today. But I don't know how to be sad without drinking.

Pretty crazy how things like this can blindside you on some idle monday....

It is sad when I hear about other peoples struggles....but I know just as easily I can be where their shoes were really fast if I don't watch myself.

I"m having problems with all my feelings. I wasn't used to being aware of them while I was drinking, so now that they're all coming back it's hard to deal with them. But deal with them I will - one day at a time!:Dance7:

Obviously, the death of this person involves a lot of emotional attachment for you - some of it negative and some of it positive. Recovery is so much about learning how to live life and manage our feelings and move forward. Going through this particular experience will help you to learn about yourself and your recovery.

It may be tough to appreciate this right now, but by staying sober and living through this sadness, you will get stronger. I have made it through some really tough situations by praying and knowing that my Creator is with me. One night when I was having a tough time, I prayed and I did feel better - more accepting of my feelings & knowing that better days were ahead. Take care of yourself.

yeah like Anna said, there really is something to be learned from just being sad

I spent a lifetime trying not to feel - now I'm finding that all feelings, even the 'bad' ones can leave a gift, even if it's (and I *hate* this word, but...) simply closure...

D

Thank you all. I am feeling calmer now and getting ready to go to bed. I am going to skip the journaling I usually do because I just feel too raw. And I'll do some light reading and have a cup of herbal tea. Take care of myself. You are all right that the emotions have been there but just not accessible and now that they are present and apparent, I am scared. But sadness is nothing to be afraid of right now. I am safe. And I am sober.

Thanks all. Good night.

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Mega Hugs and Prayers for you zinging West.