NotYetReady

Hi, I'm not sure what to type here. I know I'm an alcoholic. The problem is that I'm okay with it. I've got a good job, I've got a good family, I've got a wonderful and beautiful fiance (getting married this year). I drink regularly and once or twice a month I'll drink way too much and pass out, blackout, or not remember a lot of what happened, or will remember being a blubbering fool the previous night. But again, I'm okay with it.

I'll spend any where between $45 - $75 each week on alcohol. I know that adds up to a monthly car payment but can afford it. Have six to nine drinks on weekends and three to six drinks a few nights during the work week. I don't get hungover, I make it into work just fine, I don't hit or fight with my fiance - if anything I get more mushy and cuddly while drinking. Still, I'm okay with it.

My fiance, however, isn't okay with it. I'm sure my parents are worried about me too. I love my fiance - but I don't want to give up alcohol. Giving up my life for her would be easier than giving up alcohol for her. I know that's ugly, harsh, not love, wrong.... but I'm okay with it. wtf?!

I used to smoke a lot. It took a few years for me to get to the point where I would stop smoking and eventually quit. But I got to the point where I wanted to stop smoking more than I wanted to smoke so after quite a few breaks from smoking I actually quit. Why can't I get there with alcohol? I want it, I like it, and obviously I like it more than my fiance?! It shouldn't be but it is... and again... I'm okay with it.

How does one get to the point where you quit something you don't want to quit?

tennis71

Simple, you don't get to that point. The desire to quit is the starting point.

Think about this, Why are you considering quitting if alcohol has not caused any problems? Why does your fiance not want you to drink and why would your family be worried? Why do you think your an alcoholic?

This is just some food for thought to reflect on why you are here.

Welcome to SR and keep posting and asking questions.

mle-sober

NotYetReady,

I only have my own experience to tell you. But I suspect Tennis71, above, may know what he/she is talking about.

Here's what happened to me. I drank for years and years - 25 actually. The last 5 got progressively worse. My loved ones worried and spoke to me occassionally. I didn't recognize that it was a problem. Every once in a while I vaguely agreed that I should cut back. So, you're ahead of me there. Then I got to the point where I had to quit or I might die. I still drank, only now secretely. Then my husband gave me a breath test one night before I was about to drive two of my children on the freeway for a long distance. I was smashed. Once that happened to me, I could no longer deny the poison nature of what I was doing to myself and my loved ones.

There was a point when it was just me drinking too much. And then it got to the point of me endangering other people and myself, alienating my friends and family and essentially killing myself. Right then and there, I literally got down on my knees and begged God to help me. And I received help in many different forms. I am now over 70 days sober.

Some people don't talk to God or feel an affinity that way. I think it's completely reasonable to ask the universe for help. And I don't think you need to be asking for help quitting - I think you can ask for guidance in terms of what you should do. I totally understand the idea that you would rather have alcohol than your girlfriend. Alcohol was by far my best friend and lover for two decades.

I don't know if anything I wrote above will help because it doesn't really directly address your question. I think you don't just suddenly arrive at a place where you want to change. I think your continued drinking will do that for you. I think you are at a place where you haven't suffered enough painful consequenses to really want to stop. I was at that place for years and years. And then I wasn't.

However, I do think it's possible to *decide* that you don't want to go that far - that you value your life, your liberty, your family and friends and your spouse/girlfriend so much that you are going to cut short your career as an alcoholic and find help. I was never able to do that and the people I've met in AA who have done that always amaze me - they are stronger and smarter than me, for sure.

So one possible was to begin gently exploring that idea is to attend a few AA meetings. And if I were you, I would make a committment to go to 10 before I make a choice. Go to different ones, not all the same one. But maky 2 here and 2 here, etc. They are held at all hours all over the place and you can find info online. I think if you put yourself in that environment deliberately, you will learn whether or not you want to change.

I wish you good luck and growth.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

HI Notyetready,

Well, I can totally relate to your post. I felt that way for many years. It wasn't until my partner decided she had enough and left, for me to understand just how crappy my life had gotten.

I mean, you can wait till something like that happens, cause if you are an alcoholic it'll just progress to that point eventually.

I guess the question is this: why would you continue to drink if it upsets the woman you love?

Welcome..keep posting.

CarolD

Please call off the marriage.
It's not fair to her or children yet to be.

And no! being a husband will not change you.
Love never wins over addiction
but you already know that.

Sorry to see your drinking is so important to you.

Welcome to SR....

Anna

I agree completely with Carol.

It's totally unfair to go ahead with a marriage when you know she is not okay with your drinking and you are just fine with it.

You know that alcoholism is a progressive disease. That means that, unless you stop drinking, it will inevitably get worse.

warrens

Ya know, I've always felt that alcoholism/addiction is primarily a social disease. If one lives on Mt Olympus by himself and has all his needs met, what disease? Sure you can die from it, but if you don't care, what's the big deal?

But then there are people. Bloody people. They always get in the way of things. Like kids, spouses, bosses, friends, cops, etc. They tend to complicate our drinking.

The only problem with your drinking, as I see it, is that you seem to want relationships at the same time. Keep drinking however, and you may not have that to worry about any more.

warren

Missymae737

SOONER OR LATER YOU WILL CROSS THE BOUNDARIES FROM OK DRINKING, TO DRINKING THAT EFFECTS YOUR LIFE AND OTHERS IN A NEGATIVE WAY

I hope you don't have to go down that road....Some never make it out alive...

Thinking of you..

AbsentFriend

I'm not disagreeing with any of the above posters, but I wanted to add another possibility. If nothing bad happens related to your drinking, perhaps she is uncomfortable because she has her own history with alcoholics and any drunkenness at all reminds her of that.

My parents drank every night, and every night they had vicious fights. Later, I dated someone who got drunk too often for my liking, and I don't know if he had/developed a true problem at any point, but I do know that even the sloppy, happy drunkenness made me uncomfortable.

That said, if her discomfort isn't enough of a reason for you to at least cut back, I'd cast another vote for reconsidering the marriage.

hope45

You asked how you get to the point that you quit something you don't want to quit. I'm not sure you can. You have to want it. I understand where you are in your head. Maybe my story can help.

I come from a stable family, have a strong marriage, great kids, was a litigation attorney for many years, competed in triathlons, etc. Things were great, right? I knew I had a drinking problem but I was able to carry on just fine. Made the occasional fool of myself, had a hangover now and then. I even, like you, smoked for a while and then decided I hated it and quit easily.

But after a while, I began to think I should cut down on my drinking. So I tried. I made deals with myself that I would limit myself to X number of drinks per day or week. Or I would only drink on weekends. I couldn't do it. My resolve would last a day or two and back I'd be drinking as much as ever. After a while, I was waking up most days with a hangover, I began to feel depressed all the time, my hands started shaking, I started drinking in the middle of the day. I was waking up in the middle of the night, with my heart pounding, feeling like death.

But still I kept drinking. I couldn't imagine life without alcohol. What would I do? Who would I be? Wouldn't life be unbearably empty and boring without alcohol? And it wasn't like I had LOST anything because of alcohol. I still had all those things I had before. Trouble was, life was miserable. I wasn't enjoying my family, husband, kids, work, sports, hobbies or anything anymore. I was hungover and depressed every day of my life. There was no color, no joy.

I finally reached the point where I decided I simply did not want my life to be like this any more. What I've discovered is that life without alcohol is not the purgatory I thought it would be. Life is full and beautiful. I am a better daughter, wife, mother and friend. I feel healthier and more energetic. I look better. I am starting to enjoy all those things that were a drag and a chore for so long. And I'm happy! I had forgotten what it felt like to be truly happy and grateful to be alive. And that is something I wouldn't give up for anything. A lot of what kept me from quitting was the idea that life would be boring without booze and that I was a happier person with it. Boy, was I wrong.

I NEVER thought I would stop drinking. I started at 15 and kept it up for 30 years. I managed to do it and still maintain a "normal" life. All I can tell you is the decision I made to quit was the greatest gift I've ever given myself. I have nothing against alcohol and nothing against people who drink. And if you can drink without creating problems in your life, more power to you. But I think you have to look at your life honestly and decide whether it is creating problems. When I was younger, and really until I quit, I don't think I recognized or acknowledged just how deep those problems were because on the surface, my life was fine.

If you get anything out of this, I hope it's that even it you think you're the type that would never stop drinking, it is possible. I was one of the lucky ones who quit before I destroyed my life or hurt someone else. I hope you are able to do the same.

NotYetReady

Thanks for the posts and opinions. No way for calling off the wedding though. One way or another we'll get through this. That's what the commitment of marriage means AND it's not like we're making that commitment without all the facts before hand. We know what we're getting into.

hope45, except for the drinking in the middle of the day or feeling physically bad your story is practically me right now from the "no booze equaling boring life" and realizing that I'm failing the deals with myself in limiting my intake. Thank you for sharing your story.

Attending some AA meetings or something would probably be a good idea. Maybe that will cause a light-bulb to turn on.

I'm just blabbing on now... End Transmission.

hope45

Five years ago I wasn't drinking in the middle of the day or feeling physically bad either. It gets worse. Trust me on that one.

CarolD

Jeff....
You really need some facts about the disease of Alcoholism.

Go to a bookstore or order from Amazon
"Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham
also there is a sequel by Ketcham
"Beyond The Influence"

If you are an alcoholic your drinking will
absolutely progress. No exceptions.

AA is for alcoholics who desire to quit.
I doubt you will find it helpful.
Maybe in 3-5 years. I hope so.

At the very least...quit driving after drinking

P.S.
Here is the link to our Forum that has
experiences from those who love alcoholics

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

That is why so many of us are saying
to not marry at this point

It has nothing to do with your love or
committment ...everything to do with Alcoholism.
Maybe let your lady read the Forum.

Jules62

When alcohol has robbed you of everything you love-your fiance, your family, your job, your money.....and I promise you-it will.The time span varies for each of us, but the outcome is always the same if you keep drinking.

If you really love drinking more than your fiance, then I, too agree you should at the very least delay the wedding.

You're saying you're okay with being an alcoholic, but I tend to think the fact that you came here and posted says you're really not.As others have said, it's only going to get worse, Jeff.I truly hope you find some help.A local A.A meeting might be a really good idea. I sincerely wish you well, but please don't underestimate the power of this disease.It will destroy everything you hold dear if you let it.

Jules.

Surrender63

He may find AA helpful at the very time that he needs it.

CarolD

I certainly have and hope he will too.
I agree cofusedindenver

adore79

The fact that you are posting here says something. Many people choose to quit when then have lost everything to their addiction. It sounds like you are close to losing something important due to your drinking. Is it worth it? Welcome to SR!!

MagicMan08

I like the story in the book about the jaywalker who gets hit by vehicles on the road, and each time it gets worse. But he still goes out and does it....

I still don't know where my drinking turning into full blown alcoholism, but I never realized then how much I planned out my drinking at the age of 20. I donno dude, good luck. Personally, I think someone who doesn't have an issue with booze doesn't even think about when or when they can't, they just don't.

MagicMan08

it all comes down to, like everyone else said:

YOU HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE.

melwilson

Here's the thing man, no one thing can make you quit. Just like no one can make you want to quit. YOU have to want it. YOU have to decide when enough is enough, and YOU have to put in all the work.

"Giving up my life for her would be easier than giving up alcohol for her. I know that's ugly, harsh, not love, wrong.... but I'm okay with it. wtf?!" <--You ARE giving up your life...just not for her...and not in a good way. I hope YOU decide YOU want to quite before she has to go through all the pain, and she WILL!! We've all been through it here. We're trying to help you "make yourself change." You've came to the right place. Keep coming back. THAT'S how you make yourself change.

Going to AA meetings will help you too. Obviously there's some part of you that does want to change. Otherwise you would have never thought to even come here and post. Think about it. Think about everything. Look at all the angles and think from all the angles. Eventually, it will come to you when you are ready.

Keep coming here and try out some AA meetings. I don't think your as "okay with it" as you may think you are.