How do you make yourself want to change?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Originally Posted by NotYetReady 
No way for calling off the wedding though. One way or another we'll get through this. That's what the commitment of marriage means AND it's not like we're making that commitment without all the facts before hand. We know what we're getting into.
I don't usually post on this board, but this one kind of got to me because I have been in your finace's shoes.
My ex, who admits to being an alcoholic, but refuses to get help, lied his way through our relationship. I realize the difference here is that she knows about your drinking, but I don't think it makes it any better.
What is likely true is that she doesn't know what she is dealing with. I came from an alcoholic home and still didn't know what I was dealing with with my ex, although I honestly thought I did.
Your statement above is troublesome for me because I see it as saying this instead..."I'm not calling off the wedding because I want both. One way or another we will get through this and she will learn to accept my drinking. That's what the commitment of marriage means...you accept the other person as they are, even if they are an alcoholic because she knew I was an alcoholic before she said 'I do'"
I was put in this position with my ex. He clearly loves alcohol more than me. We were supposed to get engaged when he dropped the bomb about his drinking. I stayed thinking things would change. After several failed attempts on his part to get sober, he decided he can control his drinking and if I didn't like it I could leave. So, I left.
He is devastated, but not enough to get sober. He sends emails professing his undying love and claims to be in extreme pain over our break-up "every minute of every day." He has tried everything, except getting sober, to get me back. I left him in November and this is still going on.
I understand you want what you want, but think about what you are doing to this girl's life. If she doesn't know how bad this really is, you are taking away her ability to find someone who will love her just as much as she loves him, and will make her his first priority, not his second behind alcohol.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
How does one get to the point where you quit something you don't want to quit?
Do some reading on alcoholism, I like you knew I was an alcoholic for a lot of years, the thing was I thought like you do that it was no problem and actually it probably wasn't if alcoholism was not a progressive disease.
Correct, alcoholism is a progressive disease, the more an alcoholic drinks the worse the disease gets.
The way to get to the point you are looking for is to keep on drinking, keep on drinking until you future wife has determined that you are nothing but a drunk and she is taking your future children and leaving your drunk butt!!!
It took a little bit more then that for me to reach that point, you see when my wife told me her and the kids were not going to sit there and watch me drink myself to death I thought that was great!!!
I was just like you are now, my drinking was more important then other people, I did not give a damn who was hurt by my drinking.
The day came for me where I had no choice, I had to drink every day just to feel normal! The last 5 years of my drinking I had to drink yet there was no pleasure in my drinking, I reached the point where when I drank I was either fall down snot slinging drunk or I could not even get a buzz!!!
I had no choice once I realized that I was going to die if I did not stop drinking, I had to be medically detoxed, I was physically incapabable of stopping drinking.
Hind sight is 20/20, if I knew 10 years before I quit drinking what I know now I would have gladly quit then, it would have been a whole lot easier.
But I was ignorant, I didn't have anyone tell me what my future held for me if I kept on drinking!
To hell with everyone but me and my drinking, I kept right on drinkig until I wanted to stop and could not.
You do not need to take your alcoholism to the point I did, do some research on alcoholism and the progression of the disease, one day the thrill will be gone and when the thrill is gone it may just be to late.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
NYR
How you approach life and what you do to yourself doesn't bother me. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But I have a family, a love, and friends. I also read many posts on "friends and family" as part of my therapy.
I think it is your willingness to use the one you love that bothers me. Perhaps I'm way off base. When I first began recovery I decided to read more on narcissism. Most of us suffer from it to one degree or another. Full blown, it is actually classified as a disorder in the DSM-IV. Below are the criteria. I think it does us all good to look at them once in a while, even if one disagrees that it is an actual disorder.
DSM Criteria
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:[1]
has a grandiose sense of self-importance
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement
is interpersonally exploitative
lacks empathy
is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Meeting five or more of the criteria is consistent with those classified as having "Narcissistic Personality Disorder"
How many are consistent with love?
warren
How you approach life and what you do to yourself doesn't bother me. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But I have a family, a love, and friends. I also read many posts on "friends and family" as part of my therapy.
I think it is your willingness to use the one you love that bothers me. Perhaps I'm way off base. When I first began recovery I decided to read more on narcissism. Most of us suffer from it to one degree or another. Full blown, it is actually classified as a disorder in the DSM-IV. Below are the criteria. I think it does us all good to look at them once in a while, even if one disagrees that it is an actual disorder.
DSM Criteria
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:[1]
has a grandiose sense of self-importance
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement
is interpersonally exploitative
lacks empathy
is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Meeting five or more of the criteria is consistent with those classified as having "Narcissistic Personality Disorder"
How many are consistent with love?
warren
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Duncan BC Canada
Posts: 14
well , youve gotten a lot of good responses , I will add some" straight talk ,I may be wrong and mean no offense to you so take it as you like . My expirience with addicts(alchohol is a drug) is that we are masters of self deception . we can however read between the lines . You bring up a number of alarming warning signs ,that you "are ok with" ,obvious self deception , if you are anything like most of us were in active addiction , your estimates of your drinking and the problems that have arizen as a result are somewhat conservative if not blatent lies. It is not recomended in the average conversation or even when asked directly "am I an alchoholic" to make that decision for a person , but you stated it outright , you are an alchoholic. alchoholism untreated is a fatal desease , read that again . Fatal . at best you will control your drinking by sheer force of will , exhausting your spirit and building huge resentments about it , these will come out when you drink and things will get ugly . without persuing treatment and a course of recovery you will fail to grow emotionally and spiritually , and that would be sad , please reread everything you and others have written and make the right decision based on what you know is the truth , Good luck .... Madblack
Prospect
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Central Oregon
Posts: 59
Hi NOT ready yet.
my 2 cents will probably repeat what other have said.
your here so your looking for some answers you may not have the questions for yet.
how old are you?
consider what is happening to your body by over consumption.
After you get married your body will now become the tool for you to provide for your family and is YOUR responsibility to take good care of it until Death do you part.
If your making so much money that its not a problem pissing it away on booze invest it in your families future. Start a saving fund for your kids collage, start an IRA {both gives you a tax break}.
Save some for if and when you get a DUI you will need the funds for bale and the stiff fines received and lawyer bills.
Think of the consequences if you continue to drink too much now as for me too much is never enough!
One other thing: "How do you make yourself want to quit"
you may have to reach "ROCK BOTTOM" to see what is wrong! thats not a good alternative. "quit now"
best wishes and take care.
my 2 cents will probably repeat what other have said.
your here so your looking for some answers you may not have the questions for yet.
how old are you?
consider what is happening to your body by over consumption.
After you get married your body will now become the tool for you to provide for your family and is YOUR responsibility to take good care of it until Death do you part.
If your making so much money that its not a problem pissing it away on booze invest it in your families future. Start a saving fund for your kids collage, start an IRA {both gives you a tax break}.
Save some for if and when you get a DUI you will need the funds for bale and the stiff fines received and lawyer bills.
Think of the consequences if you continue to drink too much now as for me too much is never enough!
One other thing: "How do you make yourself want to quit"
you may have to reach "ROCK BOTTOM" to see what is wrong! thats not a good alternative. "quit now"
best wishes and take care.
Last edited by Rodney; 04-15-2008 at 09:34 PM.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
But for God's sake, don't stop drinking because you heard it here. That would just fester and build into a terrible resentment and resentment breeds relapse of the "Oh I was justified" kind.
Stop drinking because:
1) you've prayed about it (whatever that may lookk like to you);
2) you've educated yourself on the inevitable health consequences that lead to an early death;
3) you've talked it over with your girlfriend and warned her of ther perils of marrying an active alcoholic and you've been honest with her about how it means more to you than she does and she has sense left you and you are deeply sad and lonely
4) you've been honest with yourself about the consequences you've already suffered that indicate to you that you are in fact an alcoholic; and
5) you've contemplated all of the above reasons and decided to skip the confused, lonely and unhealthy part of your life and grab out for a chance at happiness.
Quit for those reasons. Not cause we said so.
Or don't. And find out what we mean when we say that you will feel confused and abandoned. That you will no longer be able to manage your life. That you will incur the anger of your loved ones. And that you will find your life is at the mercy of a foul smelling drink in a bottle.
If you are the type of man who studies things, read The Big Book. It's very powerful and can tell you much more than I can here.
I wish you sobriety.
Stop drinking because:
1) you've prayed about it (whatever that may lookk like to you);
2) you've educated yourself on the inevitable health consequences that lead to an early death;
3) you've talked it over with your girlfriend and warned her of ther perils of marrying an active alcoholic and you've been honest with her about how it means more to you than she does and she has sense left you and you are deeply sad and lonely
4) you've been honest with yourself about the consequences you've already suffered that indicate to you that you are in fact an alcoholic; and
5) you've contemplated all of the above reasons and decided to skip the confused, lonely and unhealthy part of your life and grab out for a chance at happiness.
Quit for those reasons. Not cause we said so.
Or don't. And find out what we mean when we say that you will feel confused and abandoned. That you will no longer be able to manage your life. That you will incur the anger of your loved ones. And that you will find your life is at the mercy of a foul smelling drink in a bottle.
If you are the type of man who studies things, read The Big Book. It's very powerful and can tell you much more than I can here.
I wish you sobriety.
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