kari69

I need to throw something out there that I am struggling with...I am in AA and my husband is in Alanon. It is great that the whole family is involved in recovery and in the past I was trying to do this without the support of my spouse and it did not work for me. But I have a hard time getting past the fact that my husband and I drank together. It takes alot of energy for me not to look on his "side of the street" and work "his" program when things are strained around here. I understand that when I feel this way it is my ego rearing it's ugly head again and I get frusrated because I am working hard to temper these character defects. I know I should be grateful that we are both working a program no matter what primary focus it has.....and most of the time I am. Any insight would be helpful....Thankyou

Ananda

Hope someone with more experience will respond a little later in the day.

Wanted to encourage you though! My understanding is that in a strong alanon group the alanon learns to look at themselves rather than the alchoholic.

My thoughts are with you today.

sugErspun

What step are you on Kari? - not trying to pry into your program, but it helps if I am to share my relevant experience.

My concern with what others do came to an end during my inventory process (4th step).

best

In a marriage...a husband supports the wife and the wife supports the husband.
Through an understanding of what makes each one tick, each one can improve how they support the others.
In general terms...
A guy works off of encouragement that feeds the ego...Respect being the tool that delivers the encouragement.
A woman works best with encouragement in the form of listening to her and praise that lets her know she is doing a good job that is pleasing.

Aside from any alcohol issues... the above is a general form of encouragement that works well in a marriage. Using them along with working a program can only help things.

As for both of you woking a program together... You need remember that we each grow at our own pace. Encouragement for him can help him grow. Telling him what he is doing wrong will slow him down.
Alcohol aside... as a wife, you can use boundaries to encourage and guide him.
As a husband, he can do the same. Finding the balance as you work your program into the marriage will help you both grow. Change meetings a few times...Go to Al Anon and have him go to AA...just to listen and learn.
Maybe read a few books together such as...Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus.
You can grow your marriage at the same time as growing in your perspective recoveries.
To keep it simple... remember we each grow at our own pace. Work your recovery and let him work his. Encourage one another as husband and wife but work your own program so you grow.

Pilgrim

When I stopped drinking and went into AA, almost all the people in my life had problems with alcohol. There weren't many people left in my life by then though.

My partner was an alcoholic. The relationship could not continue as it was. It needed to be on a whole new basis. He didn't go to al anon. He didn't stop drinking. We ended up apart.

So now it's just me in the relationship. There's a lot to work with there - let me tell you.

I agree with all the posts here. Great advice. I wish you both well.

mle-sober

Well, this one's very timely for me.

I'm in AA. My husband has attended maybe 6-7 Al Anon mtgs and has expressed disdain for them. He says he doesn't have the problem, I do, blah blah blah. He is absolutley fixated on my lying about drinking - says I betrayed him at least once a day (even after maybe 10 heartfelt apologies) He's completely in the victim role and it is distressing to be around him because I think we are never going to get to a place where we can even tolerate each other, much less be a happily married couple. I loved him big-time for years. But I just feel sadness and a incomprehension these days. If he's not going to address his issues, we will never be ok. I can't do it for him.

So, I guess I'm saying count your blessings. You husband is attending Al Anon!! That's wonderful! I hope that does sound rude.

I do totally understand the emotions surrounding others' drinking. I am still fairly new in my sobriety - 70 days. I have to actively put thoughts of others' drinking out of my head. I have to distract myself with all kinds of things - like talking through my sobriety to rewarding myself with a small chocolate.

If on the other hand, you think your husband is an alcoholic and going to the wrong meetings (is that what you're saying?) then - whew - that's a toughie. I think I'd have to talk that one out with my sponsor for sure....

Good luck!

kari69

I feel for you mle-sober. As I stated before, I am very grateful he is working a program. It is the issue weather or not he is an alcoholic. I spoke with my sponsor about this issue alot. I know intellecually that it is NOT my place to decide this for him and to have faith that everything is as it should be. But sometimes I feel resentful that he goes to meetings for "his" alcoholic....and I don't want to feel that way. The evil me thinks that he was drinking and drugging long before he met me....why all the sudden is he going to alanon to support me in my problem solving?? That's the "evil" me talking. But most of the time I know that whatever 12 steps program you are working will benefit you in life.

You know my sponsor did reccomend me going to an alanon meeting but this town is soooo small...only 3 meeting in a 30 mile radius and my husband goes to all of them and quite frankly I was raised by two alcoholics and have been in several relationships with alcoholics ( big suprise ) so I probably could learn alot about myself there too....but for now I need to concentrate on this recovery program.

best

What we can learn from both programs can help us in the area of need we are at in our own program. Don't discount Al Anon just yet.
Even as a start... look over the sticky posts on our Friends and Families boards. You may find some good info there as well.

tennis71

I don't think there is any definite answer and I can relate to what your going through. My wife and my father attend but are not working the Al Anon steps.

No matter what I think, and I think it would benefit both of them, I had to accept that it was their choice, not mine. If I ever think about their program now, I try my best to fall back to something simple, the Serenity Prayer - namely accepting the things I cannot change.

This is helping me to stay focused on my own recovery and not theirs.

I hope that helps, it is simple but effective for me.

Thanks for your post!

mle-sober

Wow Kari69,

I really feel for you. I can't keep my mouth shut for very long when I have an issue burning in me like that. I would have to talk to him. I might do it within formal therapy if I could find a way to make that happen. But I would definately address it with him. Maybe even if I had to wrtie a letter (that way I could proof and re-proof it for the right tone and the right words and trying to keep it non-confrontational but instead just letting him know you are thinking about this and worrying about it and you need to tell him and you wondered if he has thoughts about it?.......

Anyway you do it, it would be difficult. But for me, being the me I am, I would rather suffer the consequences of bringing it up than feel the hot sour feeling in my stomach for weeks and months while I don't bring it up. It seems to me that even within the program, we have the right to bring up difficult issues between spouses. It doesn't mean you should go in there and start accussing him of being a big fat liar. But, as far as I think, you have every right to say something gently to your spouse about a subject like this.

Good luck to you!!

least

Kari, I cannot give you any suggestions as I haven't been in a relationship with anyone for ten years. (I've forgotten what it's like to share my life and my living space with someone else, not counting kids.) All I can do is wish you the best in your struggles, and tell you to keep going to meetings, working your own program, and keep coming back here to vent your feelings so they won't build up inside you until they explode and do damage.

I have found the people here to be very supportive and loving. I'm glad I found this site and I'm glad you found it also. Keep coming back!:ghug3

kari69

First off...I want to thank evryone for posting this has been very helpful. I usually don't have a problem sharing my troubles at a meeting but this one has been a toughie for me for whatever reason. I am not a big fan of forums, I think that they can be dangerous at times and become a substitute for human interation and enables isolations. With that said....I am faced with a situation that requires acceptance and patience which at times can be almost physically tiring for me. Surrender has been the biggest hurdle for me in sobriety. My husband and I are in counseling and we have discussed this issue at length with her and had many latenight "pillow talks".
This is MY issue, I say that because I know in my heart of hearts that we are doing everything possible to grow together which in the past ( me trying to get sober w/o his support) was not the case.
My sponsor tells me "patience patience patience.....live in this 24 hours", it's brilllent how this works for me., when I let it. I don't know about any other alcoholics out there but when I start "feeling" I want instant relief but today drinking is not an option for me.
Today when I have that "burning sour" feeling in my gut, it brings me down.....I am working towards emotional sobriety today because in my opinion that will bring me closer to where I need to be with my higher power. But what I am learning experiencially is that this is a disipline that is going to be a lifelong practice. I came to this forum for some relief not resolve . The experiemce, strenght and hope that has been shared here gave me relief......thank you.