This has been an exhausting, not-very-good day...
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
This has been an exhausting, not-very-good day...
...and it's not over yet. Am having problems with my 18 yr old daughter. This is her last year at home and I feel like I've ruined it with my drinking. She's been very distant and cold with me since I got home from rehab in February and it's not getting much better as time goes on. She's irritable to the max and very short with me. No matter what I say or do or ask, she's cranky and rude and snippy with me. I do'nt expect our relationship to bounce back instantly to what it used to be (we were very close and got along well) but dammit, she's treating me like dirt under her feet. Complaining loudly and rudely about our lack of income and how we're never equipped with the food or supplies or 'things' she needs/wants cause we're poor. I can't help that, but I feel that my drinking over the last year helped to damage my financial situation, and thus, give her cause to complain. I'm trying my level best to make things better and to look for work, but I'm depressed beyond description by our damaged relationship.
I'm NOT drinking over this latest blow up, but feel depressed all the time knowing that no matter what, I'll never 'be' what she wants. I'll never be able to provide the 'things' she wants or needs. I keep food on the table and the rent and bills paid as best I can, but it's never enough and she seems to delight in making me feel like crap. She'll be off to college this fall and I don't want her to run screaming from our home desperate to escape this poverty and despair. Im probably not making any sense. I am so depressed over this and even more so cause it's ALL MY FAULT.
:sorry
I'm NOT drinking over this latest blow up, but feel depressed all the time knowing that no matter what, I'll never 'be' what she wants. I'll never be able to provide the 'things' she wants or needs. I keep food on the table and the rent and bills paid as best I can, but it's never enough and she seems to delight in making me feel like crap. She'll be off to college this fall and I don't want her to run screaming from our home desperate to escape this poverty and despair. Im probably not making any sense. I am so depressed over this and even more so cause it's ALL MY FAULT.
:sorry
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
First of all....You've had a crappy day, yet before you vented and shared about iut, you got on here and tried to help someone else. (Thanks by the way, You are right...asking cant hurt anything)
Now, as a mom to 4 girls...3 of them teens...let me tell you some of her attitude has nothing to do with you. It has to do with her being 18, restless for her life to begin, hormonal, and teenagism. Thats the virus that makes them think the whole entire world should revolve around them and if it doesnt, there will be hell to pay.
Least...all you have is today. All you can do is love her today. (even when she seems unlovable). All you have is today to put your best foot forward and be the best man, husband and father you know how to be.
Now put down that big heavy sack of guilt. It will do you no good carrying it around.
:ghug
Now, as a mom to 4 girls...3 of them teens...let me tell you some of her attitude has nothing to do with you. It has to do with her being 18, restless for her life to begin, hormonal, and teenagism. Thats the virus that makes them think the whole entire world should revolve around them and if it doesnt, there will be hell to pay.
Least...all you have is today. All you can do is love her today. (even when she seems unlovable). All you have is today to put your best foot forward and be the best man, husband and father you know how to be.
Now put down that big heavy sack of guilt. It will do you no good carrying it around.
:ghug
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by least 
...I'll never 'be' what she wants. I'll never be able to provide the 'things' she wants or needs. I keep food on the table and the rent and bills paid as best I can, but it's never enough and she seems to delight in making me feel like crap. .:sorry
:sorryAnyways, you are staying sober, which is totally on track and awesome. So, your daughter is going to college. This is good, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your daughter SHOULD be PROUD of you for staying sober and improving your character. In the scheme of all things great (meaning her wants) having you around for the long term, hopefully, is on top. Just hang in there & stay away from the booze. Remember, teenagers are constantly thinking about themselves, the universe revolves around them. Especially, the girls. Keep up the search for work. I just found a new job today, ya never know what may lay in wait.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 111
Hi Least - I don't know your daughter, but have you considered that her change in behavior might be partly because she's going to be leaving home soon? She may be nervous about all the changes, upheaval and new experiences coming up and that could be causing her to be snippy, distant, angry, etc. It could also be made worse by worrying that if she leaves, something bad (e.g. relapse) may happen to you. I'm just speculating here but maybe you should consider the possibility that this is about her, not you. I don't know if that makes you feel any better but it's just a thought.
garden variety alcoholic
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tehachapi, CA
Posts: 85
timetimetimetimetime time.
It will take time to heal those wounds. Work those steps and keep going forward, one day at a time. I went through the same when I moved back home 5 years ago. I was miserable, but I stuck to it. This is what I learned:
Trust needs to be earned. It CAN be earned by what you do, how you act and re-act,
NOT by what you say.
It will take time to heal those wounds. Work those steps and keep going forward, one day at a time. I went through the same when I moved back home 5 years ago. I was miserable, but I stuck to it. This is what I learned:
Trust needs to be earned. It CAN be earned by what you do, how you act and re-act,
NOT by what you say.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Have you done a 4th step ? How about your 8th and 9th ?
I also have a 16 year old girl (single Dad) and although she is needy and self-centered like any other teenage girl, we have a wonderful relationship. Granted, I have about a year and a half, and our financial woes are finally starting to lessen.
Just keep doing what you've been doing. Keep your side of the street clean. Show her by your actions that you're trying to make amends for the past. She'll come around.
P.S. mine just called and is mad because she has to wait an hour for me to pick her up.
I also have a 16 year old girl (single Dad) and although she is needy and self-centered like any other teenage girl, we have a wonderful relationship. Granted, I have about a year and a half, and our financial woes are finally starting to lessen.
Just keep doing what you've been doing. Keep your side of the street clean. Show her by your actions that you're trying to make amends for the past. She'll come around.
P.S. mine just called and is mad because she has to wait an hour for me to pick her up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hey Least
I've raised 3 to adulthood. 18 ought to be against the law. Mine were in college most of the time, but the summer?
At that age it is all about power. And status. And whatever other low hanging fruit they can grab. Why not? You're only 18 once. If you had a Rolls Royce she'd complain about the color.
That's not to say that there aren't real issues to work on. There always are with kids. Legitimate issues. Complex issues. And you have to be the parent.
Your guilt makes you risk being very vulnerable to her power grabs. She really does need a mother, but she will also take your power if it is easy to come by. And you really need only say you are sorry once if you really mean it.
If you had any other life threatening disease, would you be carrying so much guilt? I've apologized over the years to my kids. I also raised them and did the best that I could with what I had. They realize that now. I never gave up being the parent, even when I was drinking. Don't let her confuse you with anyone but her mother. Just another human being, but one who loves her. You may be powerless over alcohol but you are not powerless over her.
warren
I've raised 3 to adulthood. 18 ought to be against the law. Mine were in college most of the time, but the summer?
At that age it is all about power. And status. And whatever other low hanging fruit they can grab. Why not? You're only 18 once. If you had a Rolls Royce she'd complain about the color.
That's not to say that there aren't real issues to work on. There always are with kids. Legitimate issues. Complex issues. And you have to be the parent.
Your guilt makes you risk being very vulnerable to her power grabs. She really does need a mother, but she will also take your power if it is easy to come by. And you really need only say you are sorry once if you really mean it.
If you had any other life threatening disease, would you be carrying so much guilt? I've apologized over the years to my kids. I also raised them and did the best that I could with what I had. They realize that now. I never gave up being the parent, even when I was drinking. Don't let her confuse you with anyone but her mother. Just another human being, but one who loves her. You may be powerless over alcohol but you are not powerless over her.
warren
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi Least,
I began drinking when my daughter was 16 and drank till she was 19.
It was so difficult for her.
She had so many goals and so frustrated and angry with me. And, of course, the more angry and distant she got, the worse I felt, and the more I drank. It was SO painful for both of us.
The good news is that some time and space, and me in recovery, changed things. I think that giving your daughter the space to feel what she is feeling, is the best thing you can do. Sadly you can't change her feelings. Stay focused on your recovery. And, remember the Serenity Prayer.
I began drinking when my daughter was 16 and drank till she was 19.
It was so difficult for her.
She had so many goals and so frustrated and angry with me. And, of course, the more angry and distant she got, the worse I felt, and the more I drank. It was SO painful for both of us.
The good news is that some time and space, and me in recovery, changed things. I think that giving your daughter the space to feel what she is feeling, is the best thing you can do. Sadly you can't change her feelings. Stay focused on your recovery. And, remember the Serenity Prayer.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hi least,
You're getting some really good feedback. Life just keeps coming, I've found I'm better at dealing with life when I'm sober.
I'd say alot of your daughters attitude is caused by fear, I remember when I was that age I was loaded with it. Life is one big change when you go from being a child to being on your own.
Maybe rather than looking at how your drinking has damaged your relationship you can focus on this time being a brand new start. Nothing stays the same, one day you will sit with your daughter and laugh about these "hard times".
When I think of my children and all I've put them through over the years I'm left with one big dose of reality. Yes, I screwed up alot, but I'm not wasting another day passing my misery on to my children, I have no right. Only if I stay sober do I have a chance to be there for them when they need me.
God's Peace least
You're getting some really good feedback. Life just keeps coming, I've found I'm better at dealing with life when I'm sober.
I'd say alot of your daughters attitude is caused by fear, I remember when I was that age I was loaded with it. Life is one big change when you go from being a child to being on your own.
Maybe rather than looking at how your drinking has damaged your relationship you can focus on this time being a brand new start. Nothing stays the same, one day you will sit with your daughter and laugh about these "hard times".
When I think of my children and all I've put them through over the years I'm left with one big dose of reality. Yes, I screwed up alot, but I'm not wasting another day passing my misery on to my children, I have no right. Only if I stay sober do I have a chance to be there for them when they need me.
God's Peace least
garden variety alcoholic
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tehachapi, CA
Posts: 85
I wanted to add a thank you Least. Your post is reminding me of how hard it was to gain back the trust of those that I had dumped on for many years.
You can see that many of us have walked through this.
You can see that many of us have walked through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
Awww Least...I don't have kids but I was an 18 year old girl once (I'd like to think it wasn't that long ago but who am I kidding?) Anyway it sounds like guilt is leading you to attribute her behavior to some failing on your part, when a lot of it sounds like normal teenage girl histrionics. You say "I'll never be able to provide the 'things' she wants or needs. I keep food on the table and the rent and bills paid as best I can..." so this tells me that actually you have been providing for her NEEDS to the best of your ability...as far as what she wants, well she is 18 years old...I don't know what her situation is but I was raised in a single parent household and had to work for those "things" that I wanted. I think there were times that I felt resentful toward my mom for the exact same reasons...because she wasn't able to give me the "things" I wanted...but she loved me, and that's all I really needed. I realize that now and how much I appreciate the sacrifices she made to take care of my needs. I hope your daughter comes to the same realization someday because I can tell from your post how much you love her.
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