Why do I make life so hard for myself?
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
Why do I make life so hard for myself?
I was just left by my girlfriend and love of my life of 4 years because of my constant relapses. When I look back at the apartment we had 1 year ago, and how every slip just killed her more and more, and this last one was the final straw.
She wants nothing to do with me. My family is damn near to that point. My brother doesn't even want to acknowledge me, but he does anyway. Both of my parents are pissed off.
For everything that I have put myself through in the last especially three years, a normal person would never drink again. Yet I still do. Thats the insanity. It just really bums me out that I keep on doing this to myself.
When I met Sara, I was an in shape beautiful man, now I am in debt have a piece of **** car I cannot even drive because of a dwi, gunna prolly lose my job because of that dwi. Have to go to court for a relapse this morning because of a failed breath test.
I don't know....I have read a lot of posts on here and it sure seems like a place I should frequent often.
Oh yeah, I drank this weekend with the money I was supposed to pay one important bill with and.....ugh what a mess my life has become....all because of a drink. chasing the buzz that sucks ass the next day anyway 100% guarantee should be plastered on every can...because i tend to follow right in the path of self destruction.
And this was with going to three aa meetings in one week and a half....i just don't get it......it kills me to know i wrecked that relationship, she went through so much
It is so hard to see that light on the end of the tunnel...
She wants nothing to do with me. My family is damn near to that point. My brother doesn't even want to acknowledge me, but he does anyway. Both of my parents are pissed off.
For everything that I have put myself through in the last especially three years, a normal person would never drink again. Yet I still do. Thats the insanity. It just really bums me out that I keep on doing this to myself.
When I met Sara, I was an in shape beautiful man, now I am in debt have a piece of **** car I cannot even drive because of a dwi, gunna prolly lose my job because of that dwi. Have to go to court for a relapse this morning because of a failed breath test.
I don't know....I have read a lot of posts on here and it sure seems like a place I should frequent often.
Oh yeah, I drank this weekend with the money I was supposed to pay one important bill with and.....ugh what a mess my life has become....all because of a drink. chasing the buzz that sucks ass the next day anyway 100% guarantee should be plastered on every can...because i tend to follow right in the path of self destruction.
And this was with going to three aa meetings in one week and a half....i just don't get it......it kills me to know i wrecked that relationship, she went through so much
It is so hard to see that light on the end of the tunnel...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Its hard for me to accept that recovery is painful sometimes.
I figured as soon as I admitted I had a problem, and started going to meetings....life should get better.
What a shocker I was in for!
For awhile, life seemed to get worse. In reality...life hadnt gotten worse, I just wasnt numbing my pain/anger/frustration/lonliness/sadness/shame with booze and drugs.
Now I was going to have to actually DEAL with life.
I dont have the answer....but I know for sure it cant be found at the bottom of a bottle or a rolled up bill stuffed up my nose.
(((hugs)))
Just keep coming back.
I figured as soon as I admitted I had a problem, and started going to meetings....life should get better.
What a shocker I was in for!
For awhile, life seemed to get worse. In reality...life hadnt gotten worse, I just wasnt numbing my pain/anger/frustration/lonliness/sadness/shame with booze and drugs.
Now I was going to have to actually DEAL with life.
I dont have the answer....but I know for sure it cant be found at the bottom of a bottle or a rolled up bill stuffed up my nose.
(((hugs)))
Just keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
hi!
thanks for sharing. i relate with you. in fact your post sounds so like what i'm dealing with and doing at the moment too.
unfortunatly i don't seem to be able to have any advise to offer you.
i hope things improve for you.
thanks for sharing. i relate with you. in fact your post sounds so like what i'm dealing with and doing at the moment too.
unfortunatly i don't seem to be able to have any advise to offer you.
i hope things improve for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Magicman,
If quitting were easy, or if we all experienced nothing but good times, nobody would be here. The truth is drinking and or drugs has taken us all down in one way or another.
I feel for you and your broken relationship.
Please keep posting, the people here are wonderful.
If quitting were easy, or if we all experienced nothing but good times, nobody would be here. The truth is drinking and or drugs has taken us all down in one way or another.
I feel for you and your broken relationship.
Please keep posting, the people here are wonderful.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Magicman,
Welcome!
I think the reason we move toward self-destruction is because that is what addicts do. I believe it is often based on low self-esteem. Why else would I have put poison into my body for years and watched my life spiral into insanity? I didn't think I was worth fighting for. I didn't believe in myself or even like myself. That's what recovery is about. You stop drinking and then you start working on the inside.
Welcome!
I think the reason we move toward self-destruction is because that is what addicts do. I believe it is often based on low self-esteem. Why else would I have put poison into my body for years and watched my life spiral into insanity? I didn't think I was worth fighting for. I didn't believe in myself or even like myself. That's what recovery is about. You stop drinking and then you start working on the inside.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
thank you all so much for the words of encouragement......i just needed to vent a little bit and my court thing today went great! But now I get to look forward to the next one on May 3rd.
It just seems so simple, do not use, thats what she told me and I'm your....sigh
It just seems so simple, do not use, thats what she told me and I'm your....sigh
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
It is simple.
I'm glad things went well today.
It's hard to stay in the present, but focus on today and do what you can for your recovery. The next court date will bring what it brings. For me, learning to let go of things I couldn't control, was huge.
I'm glad things went well today.
It's hard to stay in the present, but focus on today and do what you can for your recovery. The next court date will bring what it brings. For me, learning to let go of things I couldn't control, was huge.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Sounds like your'e ready.
For me, it took a pretty good beating to acknowledge I had a probem, and actually take some action to correct it.
I was where you are, maybe a little deeper down. I walked to an AA meeting 3.5 miles aways while de-toxing. I was that desperate. But, because I was that deperate, I worked a good program, and recovered.
For me, it took a pretty good beating to acknowledge I had a probem, and actually take some action to correct it.
I was where you are, maybe a little deeper down. I walked to an AA meeting 3.5 miles aways while de-toxing. I was that desperate. But, because I was that deperate, I worked a good program, and recovered.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
1st off, if you are like me, you are alcoholic and it is in your nature to drink. You are not intentionally making things harder on yourself you just haven't found a way to stay sober yet.
Attending AA's is a start, but have you tried getting involved with service work such as making coffee or sweeping? Have you gotten a home group, a sponsor and have you been working on the steps. AA doesn't work through osmosis but it does work if you follow the program. Try 90 meetings in 90 days to start with.
You have a lot going on in your life right now. It is over whealming when you try to focus on everything at once. Start breaking down each issue. For example, you have your drinking problem, you have your DUI, you have your job, you have your girlfriend, your family, your debt etc.... and wow, that is pretty overwhealming! And I should know, your problems are very similar to mine before I commited to recovery not by saying it but but accepting it in my heart.
Once my head started to clear I was able to work on the debt, I got an attorney for the DUI, I am working on my relationships and am now at a point where I would make a great employee for any company. Things are getting better even with 2 relapses under my belt, I didn't stop recovering, I just worked harder at it.
You cannot change anything that has happened thus far, but you can work on making a better future. All you need to start with is a desire to stop drinking.
Thanks for your post and I hope you have a slow life long recovery.
Attending AA's is a start, but have you tried getting involved with service work such as making coffee or sweeping? Have you gotten a home group, a sponsor and have you been working on the steps. AA doesn't work through osmosis but it does work if you follow the program. Try 90 meetings in 90 days to start with.
You have a lot going on in your life right now. It is over whealming when you try to focus on everything at once. Start breaking down each issue. For example, you have your drinking problem, you have your DUI, you have your job, you have your girlfriend, your family, your debt etc.... and wow, that is pretty overwhealming! And I should know, your problems are very similar to mine before I commited to recovery not by saying it but but accepting it in my heart.
Once my head started to clear I was able to work on the debt, I got an attorney for the DUI, I am working on my relationships and am now at a point where I would make a great employee for any company. Things are getting better even with 2 relapses under my belt, I didn't stop recovering, I just worked harder at it.
You cannot change anything that has happened thus far, but you can work on making a better future. All you need to start with is a desire to stop drinking.
Thanks for your post and I hope you have a slow life long recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by magicman08 
going to three aa meetings in one week and a half.
Originally Posted by magicman08
It is so hard to see that light on the end of the tunnel...
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Magic man
Ask someone to be your sponsor, even if it only a temp one. It really helps a lot, suddenly you feel like you have a friend in your life. Someone who wants to see you succeed in the program!
you can do this! Sheila
Ask someone to be your sponsor, even if it only a temp one. It really helps a lot, suddenly you feel like you have a friend in your life. Someone who wants to see you succeed in the program!
you can do this! Sheila
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
thanks the meeting went well last night, my friend came and picked me up and took me out last night so that was kind of fun, i got to laugh and smile and stuff. I really want to hit that one year point so I can tell my stories of my struggle to other people....you know pass it on. But only time....only time. Cuz damn I have put myself through the mill in the last 4 years.....wow.
Today, is day three for me. Today I am gunna get my limited license worked out, do some chores around my house, and hopefully get some consistent form of exercise going to make myself feel better and bring up my energy. And spend most of my early morning here reading, and relaxing to music.
Today, is day three for me. Today I am gunna get my limited license worked out, do some chores around my house, and hopefully get some consistent form of exercise going to make myself feel better and bring up my energy. And spend most of my early morning here reading, and relaxing to music.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by magicman08
thanks the meeting went well last night, my friend came and picked me up and took me out last night so that was kind of fun, i got to laugh and smile and stuff. I really want to hit that one year point so I can tell my stories of my struggle to other people....you know pass it on. But only time....only time. Cuz damn I have put myself through the mill in the last 4 years....wow.
I know how you feel wanting to share your experience! I have found that living for right now takes care of my future. It sounds like you are doing very well just go slow....
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
I agree with that....I know for a fact that I will be ready when I have a years sobriety. I think I will be more excited to pass on my story when I am at peace with myself and have actually gotten somewhere....
My story has only begun...
My story has only begun...
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
Day 4 today....went back to work last night....was alright.
I have another AA meeting tonight, but I almost don't prefer this meeting over my Tuesday meeting, but I think it is still very important for me to go, and hell it gets me out of the house. I find it kind of interesting how people with more time in the program get to become better small group speakers and stuff as well and make a lot of sense.
But really the only time in AA where you hear peoples stories are in the speaker meetings, I just figured that out on Tuesday. However, there are some other Alcoholic internet resources out there where I can download speaker meetings and the like, but it is not the same as live by any means but it is sometimes interesting to listen to when I travel....
I sent a picture message to my girlfriend of her and one of our cats and she responded back. She hasn't texted me back in almost 1 month. So I said I would call her later when I was at work. She called me back cuz she didn't answer, but we had a brief conversation about how I miss her, asked about my cats and stuff, stayed positive didn't bring up any **** from my past. I said I really missed her the person, but not the relationship we were in because it was so dysfunctional.
So this morning I guess on a whim, I text her before she goes to work to have a good day, and she texted me back again a nice positive message. However, I know to proceed very slowly with this, as I really need to work on myself right now.
I am in the process of watching a sci-fi miniseries I got off of netflix called Tin-Man, its kind of a fantasy based off of the "Amazing Wizard of Oz" book. So far so good....
I have another AA meeting tonight, but I almost don't prefer this meeting over my Tuesday meeting, but I think it is still very important for me to go, and hell it gets me out of the house. I find it kind of interesting how people with more time in the program get to become better small group speakers and stuff as well and make a lot of sense.
But really the only time in AA where you hear peoples stories are in the speaker meetings, I just figured that out on Tuesday. However, there are some other Alcoholic internet resources out there where I can download speaker meetings and the like, but it is not the same as live by any means but it is sometimes interesting to listen to when I travel....
I sent a picture message to my girlfriend of her and one of our cats and she responded back. She hasn't texted me back in almost 1 month. So I said I would call her later when I was at work. She called me back cuz she didn't answer, but we had a brief conversation about how I miss her, asked about my cats and stuff, stayed positive didn't bring up any **** from my past. I said I really missed her the person, but not the relationship we were in because it was so dysfunctional.
So this morning I guess on a whim, I text her before she goes to work to have a good day, and she texted me back again a nice positive message. However, I know to proceed very slowly with this, as I really need to work on myself right now.
I am in the process of watching a sci-fi miniseries I got off of netflix called Tin-Man, its kind of a fantasy based off of the "Amazing Wizard of Oz" book. So far so good....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I suggest your next right action for solid recovery is...
get a sponsor and start your Step work.
Look on the literature rack
most meetings have a pamplet...
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
Don't short change yourself....get involved
Blessings
get a sponsor and start your Step work.
Look on the literature rack
most meetings have a pamplet...
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
Don't short change yourself....get involved
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
Man oh man can I relate to your story. I too just lost the love of my life to my addiction. We were together for 4 years, have a child together, but I just kept on getting worse and worse. I promised I'd quite. I swore on our love, the children, the world that I'd never drink again if he stayed. Over and over he stayed.....until a few weeks ago. Finally enough was enough, and he took his engagement ring back. I'm broken and hurt. I'm lost and in pain. Not having him here with me makes it hurt just that much more. But who could blame him after what I've put him and the children through?
NOW I know how bad it truely is for me. I'm working sooooo hard on my sobriety right now, and it sounds like you are too! That's great! Work on yourself, just like you're doing. Keep your head up. What is meant to be, will be.
I hope you don't mind that I steal this little nugget from you. This is exactly the words that I've been trying to find to tell him for a few days now.
NOW I know how bad it truely is for me. I'm working sooooo hard on my sobriety right now, and it sounds like you are too! That's great! Work on yourself, just like you're doing. Keep your head up. What is meant to be, will be.
Originally Posted by magicman08
I said I really missed her the person, but not the relationship we were in because it was so dysfunctional.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
magicman getting sober I have found was easy and I had to go through a medical detox the last time to do it, staying sober is where the real work begins!!!
Rehabs and detoxes emphasize after one gets out to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
The reason they say "at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days" is scientific research has shown that to break one habit and establish another habit takes about 90 days!
When I was getting out of detox they told me that and when I talked to my counselor and he asked me if I was going to do the "90 in 90" I told him I would go to AA but that I was married, had kids, & worked full time, there was no way I could do that!
The counselor then asked me if I was willing to put as much time into my recovery as I did drinking? I sat and looked at him for a moment and said yes! Needless to say I made more then 90 meetings in 90 days.
The reason behind getting a sponsor is the following:
AA experience has shown that a person who gets a sponsor and works the steps with a sponsor stands a FAR FAR better chance at staying sober then some one who just goes to meetings!
In a nutshell going to meetings is not the ENTIRE AA program, it is a part of it. My experience has been that me working the steps with my sponsor is what resulted in my obsession to drink being lifted! Meetings and service work helps in maintaining my sobriety.
For now I would suggest the best thing you can do is to focus on your sobriety, keep your sobriety as your number one priority in life, your experience from what you have said has shown that if you do not have your sobriety you start losing everything.
And this was with going to three aa meetings in one week and a half
The reason they say "at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days" is scientific research has shown that to break one habit and establish another habit takes about 90 days!
When I was getting out of detox they told me that and when I talked to my counselor and he asked me if I was going to do the "90 in 90" I told him I would go to AA but that I was married, had kids, & worked full time, there was no way I could do that!
The counselor then asked me if I was willing to put as much time into my recovery as I did drinking? I sat and looked at him for a moment and said yes! Needless to say I made more then 90 meetings in 90 days.
The reason behind getting a sponsor is the following:
AA experience has shown that a person who gets a sponsor and works the steps with a sponsor stands a FAR FAR better chance at staying sober then some one who just goes to meetings!
In a nutshell going to meetings is not the ENTIRE AA program, it is a part of it. My experience has been that me working the steps with my sponsor is what resulted in my obsession to drink being lifted! Meetings and service work helps in maintaining my sobriety.
For now I would suggest the best thing you can do is to focus on your sobriety, keep your sobriety as your number one priority in life, your experience from what you have said has shown that if you do not have your sobriety you start losing everything.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
Day 5 today, already read one meditation for the day. And am here now!
melwilson, it hurts a lot knowing that I had the choice to remain sober, and I gave our relationship away. No problem using those words, I think it maybe helped my situation a little but.
CarolD, TazMan - I understand where you two are coming from with the sponsor thing, I agree that it is very important and I plan on actively asking for one this Tuesday at my meeting.
I think I do know for a fact that when I use, I do have the capacity to lose everything, including my life, because I am very carelss and belligerent when I hit the blackout stage. (Which is every time, I donno why, I am an alcoholic)
Unfortunately, it isn't impossible for me to get to meetings right now, but it is difficult, as I live in a relative remote area and I have no license. But I do plan on ramping up my sobriety and getting into some service work when the time comes. Thank you everyone for your support, and also letting me help you with your recovery as well :atv
melwilson, it hurts a lot knowing that I had the choice to remain sober, and I gave our relationship away. No problem using those words, I think it maybe helped my situation a little but.
CarolD, TazMan - I understand where you two are coming from with the sponsor thing, I agree that it is very important and I plan on actively asking for one this Tuesday at my meeting.
I think I do know for a fact that when I use, I do have the capacity to lose everything, including my life, because I am very carelss and belligerent when I hit the blackout stage. (Which is every time, I donno why, I am an alcoholic)
Unfortunately, it isn't impossible for me to get to meetings right now, but it is difficult, as I live in a relative remote area and I have no license. But I do plan on ramping up my sobriety and getting into some service work when the time comes. Thank you everyone for your support, and also letting me help you with your recovery as well :atv
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