Post from my alter-ego
I am McLovin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Clara, CA
Posts: 144
Post from my alter-ego
Hi, I'm mr. drunk. my sober alter-ego tesquizito has been sober for a month or so, with a slip. But today I'm in charge, so I thought I'd post for him.
Friday went to an AA meeting, but I was already invited to perform that night at an SF nightclub, with the plan to go sober. On the way I picked up a bottle of whiskey and stuffed it into the trunk, just in case (okay that failed already).
Picked up my entourage, VIP'ed it into the club, hit the stage and plugged into the system. Did what I did, perform, for a group of 800 people or so, and they loved it...*I* loved it. Got a stack of drink tickets and got 2 rounds for my entourage and myself. Ran into an *old* friend (~12 years), went out to her car and smoked a bowl (I rarely smoke). I told her about my attempt at sobriety and she was supportive. I enjoyed hanging out with her...old times.
Went back inside, performed some more, one of my crew met a smoking hot chick and I wanted to assist so I bought a round of shots, then we took her on stage, she loved it and my buddy got her number, turns out they live close so he's probably getting laid pretty soon.
After it was over, I drove my crew home, well within the legal BAC, but afterwards I cracked open the bottle in my trunk and spent a lazy day at home drinking and puttering around.
I have a few chores (groceries, etc.) to be done and I have about 2 hours of work for a website launch Sunday evening. I'll be able to do it so I consider this weekend a success.
My sober self is just really scared I'll continue drinking into the week, where things usually go awry. I (mr. drunk) had a great time and can't imagine ever going away completely, and enjoy the symbiotic relationship we have.
Just curious to what you SR people have to say, because right now mr. drunk thinks that his sober self is a little too.....boring.
Friday went to an AA meeting, but I was already invited to perform that night at an SF nightclub, with the plan to go sober. On the way I picked up a bottle of whiskey and stuffed it into the trunk, just in case (okay that failed already).
Picked up my entourage, VIP'ed it into the club, hit the stage and plugged into the system. Did what I did, perform, for a group of 800 people or so, and they loved it...*I* loved it. Got a stack of drink tickets and got 2 rounds for my entourage and myself. Ran into an *old* friend (~12 years), went out to her car and smoked a bowl (I rarely smoke). I told her about my attempt at sobriety and she was supportive. I enjoyed hanging out with her...old times.
Went back inside, performed some more, one of my crew met a smoking hot chick and I wanted to assist so I bought a round of shots, then we took her on stage, she loved it and my buddy got her number, turns out they live close so he's probably getting laid pretty soon.
After it was over, I drove my crew home, well within the legal BAC, but afterwards I cracked open the bottle in my trunk and spent a lazy day at home drinking and puttering around.
I have a few chores (groceries, etc.) to be done and I have about 2 hours of work for a website launch Sunday evening. I'll be able to do it so I consider this weekend a success.
My sober self is just really scared I'll continue drinking into the week, where things usually go awry. I (mr. drunk) had a great time and can't imagine ever going away completely, and enjoy the symbiotic relationship we have.
Just curious to what you SR people have to say, because right now mr. drunk thinks that his sober self is a little too.....boring.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: www.ericwhitfieldart.com
Posts: 114
the main thing that struck me was the first line of your post. There is no such thing as "sober with a slip" There is sober and there is NOT sober and don't fool yourself...the term "slip" was likely created by someone attempting to make a relapse sound less serious.
That said...I hope you make the decision thats best for you -- whichever it may be. Should you choose to sober up, I am here to support you. All the best.
That said...I hope you make the decision thats best for you -- whichever it may be. Should you choose to sober up, I am here to support you. All the best.
I am McLovin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Clara, CA
Posts: 144
Thanks, I know my post may be "unwelcomed". I'm just being brutally honest. I felt the need to post from my other side, because the "flowers and unicorns sober" side is still feeling like facade for me. I am and still looking for help.
I had to let that out because that was the moment of feeling, we're allowed to post honestly, right?
Come monday I'll be sober, going to AA meetings, reading the big book. Call me a stinking hypocrite, but I am trying, sorry for being honest about my situation.
I thought someone would be in a similar situation that could offer some words of wisdom.
I had to let that out because that was the moment of feeling, we're allowed to post honestly, right?
Come monday I'll be sober, going to AA meetings, reading the big book. Call me a stinking hypocrite, but I am trying, sorry for being honest about my situation.
I thought someone would be in a similar situation that could offer some words of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by tesquizito 
Thanks, I know my post may be "unwelcomed". I'm just being brutally honest. I felt the need to post from my other side, because the "flowers and unicorns sober" side is still feeling like facade for me. I am and still looking for help.
And someone is honestly telling you that they think you're full of s**t. What I consider a successful day or weekend is one where I remain sober. Not sure what you're referring to when you talk about the 'flowers and unicorns sober' side, I've made the mistake of hanging in a bar with my old drinking buddies, one thing that struck me immediately is how incredibly lame all of the folks there were. Which was pretty boring, in my book.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
T
What do you plan to do with what we think? Me, I spent a boring evening in the log cabin in front of the fire. Went to bed early-and sober.
But then, I'm boring.
I have 2 graduate degrees and have done about all the research I need to. Hope you matriculate with your class!
warren
What do you plan to do with what we think? Me, I spent a boring evening in the log cabin in front of the fire. Went to bed early-and sober.
But then, I'm boring.
I have 2 graduate degrees and have done about all the research I need to. Hope you matriculate with your class!
warren
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
When drinking is no longer fun and your life and career are no longer manageable, then we are finally ready to quit, maybe. Why bother quitting if there are no pressing consequences? I know I never did. I pushed it and pushed it until I slid way below the proverbial line I set for myself. When the pain of drinking becomes greater than the pain of not drinking, then we are ready to stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Your post centres on a common struggle for us all at some time, and as on-topic here as anything else IMO. Bit cutesy for my liking , but there ya go....
My point is - it gets worse. And it's not all happy trails...
and you must realise that or you wouldn't be doing AA.
Getting sober is tough - if you're not 100% convinced you need to, you're always going to find excuses, you're always going to feel nostalgic for that mythical glow and you're never going to be very pleased with the results.
as for flowers unicorns and boring - I find myself pretty much as I was...only better.
took a lot of kicking, screaming, and holding my breath and turning blue to get here, but I like being an adult now.
Hope you come to find peace in whatever you decide to do
D
My point is - it gets worse. And it's not all happy trails...
and you must realise that or you wouldn't be doing AA.
Getting sober is tough - if you're not 100% convinced you need to, you're always going to find excuses, you're always going to feel nostalgic for that mythical glow and you're never going to be very pleased with the results.
as for flowers unicorns and boring - I find myself pretty much as I was...only better.
took a lot of kicking, screaming, and holding my breath and turning blue to get here, but I like being an adult now.
Hope you come to find peace in whatever you decide to do
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by tesquizito
Just curious to what you SR people have to say, because right now mr. drunk thinks that his sober self is a little too.....boring.
But I guess as you're (sober/rational you) here you must be looking for help.
There are lots of people here who can share good advise and wisdom. Likewise A.A. is fantasic too.
I hope things improove for you.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Hi tesquizito,
Over the past couple of years, I have tried "moderating" and had the occassional fun weekend - laughs with my drinking buddies, getting drunk without anybody getting hurt, going to work on Monday & being fairly functional. False confidence. It caught up with me - quick. After my last bender I was so close to checking myself into the hospital psych ward.
I guess it comes down to whether of not you truly believe you are an alcoholic or even if your drinking problem is damaging your life & those around you. If you can control it, fine (athough based on your weekend it doesn't seem like you can). Figure this out. I would never encourage anyone to "experiment" because the consequences could be so devastating. I just quickly read your early post on SR and it sounds pretty serious.
I don't find sobriety boring at all. I'm living a great life. What was really boring (pathetic actually) was that endless cycle of being drunk, hungover, and craving - my wife & friends having to listen to me whine about it constantly (real exciting stuff for them I bet).
Sincerely hope everything works out for you. D
Over the past couple of years, I have tried "moderating" and had the occassional fun weekend - laughs with my drinking buddies, getting drunk without anybody getting hurt, going to work on Monday & being fairly functional. False confidence. It caught up with me - quick. After my last bender I was so close to checking myself into the hospital psych ward.
I guess it comes down to whether of not you truly believe you are an alcoholic or even if your drinking problem is damaging your life & those around you. If you can control it, fine (athough based on your weekend it doesn't seem like you can). Figure this out. I would never encourage anyone to "experiment" because the consequences could be so devastating. I just quickly read your early post on SR and it sounds pretty serious.
I don't find sobriety boring at all. I'm living a great life. What was really boring (pathetic actually) was that endless cycle of being drunk, hungover, and craving - my wife & friends having to listen to me whine about it constantly (real exciting stuff for them I bet).
Sincerely hope everything works out for you. D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: www.ericwhitfieldart.com
Posts: 114
First off, I certainly could be wrong BUT my impression was that the original post was written AS the active and intoxicated alter ego (mr.drunk) and I can't imagine that any of our intoxicated alter egos would speak to the beauty of recovery. On the contrary -- the addiction loves the lifestyle...the rituals...the manipulation...I think that some responses were unnecessarily cold. My personal belief is that my addicted self will NEVER vacate the premises. To believe the contrary could be fatal to me. The challenge is to always keep my sober self stronger and larger and more rewarding than my addicted self. Think of it as if you put your recovery in one corner and your addiction in the other and rang the bell. The difference here is that it's everyone else's recovery beating up tesquizito's addiction. Not cool. I heard tesquizito say that he was scared. Anyone else pick up on that? He typed it plain as day. I remember that scared. I want to do what I can to help others avoid that feeling whenever possible. As such, I believe and respect the following as stated by tesquizito:
"My sober self is just really scared I'll continue drinking into the week, where things usually go awry. I (mr. drunk) had a great time and can't imagine ever going away completely, and enjoy the symbiotic relationship we have.
Just curious to what you SR people have to say, because right now mr. drunk thinks that his sober self is a little too.....boring."
To me, that is an illustration of some healthy insight into the existence of and the battle between the addicted self and the sober self. As a recovering alcoholic, and as a human being I do not have the right nor the desire to judge or assume even if it is based on my experiences -- because my experiences are NOT tesquizito's experiences. So...the best I can do is state my experience and offer my willingness to help.
tesquizito -- I understand about your addicted self attempting to belittle and even deny your sober self. I know how confusing and scary that can be. If the life of your sober self is too boring...please explore options that might enhance and inject some excitement rather than takling the easier way by defaulting to the addicted self. Don't give up. I felt the way you are describing...But I made a decision and 12 years ago (next month), I took my last drink and with a lot of work and a lot of questions and living life one moment at a time, today I proudly say that my sober self is ahead of my addicted self and getting stronger every day. My life is beautiful and I look forward to each day. Seriously. Again..all my best to you, brother. And keep asking questions (regardless of the responses)
"My sober self is just really scared I'll continue drinking into the week, where things usually go awry. I (mr. drunk) had a great time and can't imagine ever going away completely, and enjoy the symbiotic relationship we have.
Just curious to what you SR people have to say, because right now mr. drunk thinks that his sober self is a little too.....boring."
To me, that is an illustration of some healthy insight into the existence of and the battle between the addicted self and the sober self. As a recovering alcoholic, and as a human being I do not have the right nor the desire to judge or assume even if it is based on my experiences -- because my experiences are NOT tesquizito's experiences. So...the best I can do is state my experience and offer my willingness to help.
tesquizito -- I understand about your addicted self attempting to belittle and even deny your sober self. I know how confusing and scary that can be. If the life of your sober self is too boring...please explore options that might enhance and inject some excitement rather than takling the easier way by defaulting to the addicted self. Don't give up. I felt the way you are describing...But I made a decision and 12 years ago (next month), I took my last drink and with a lot of work and a lot of questions and living life one moment at a time, today I proudly say that my sober self is ahead of my addicted self and getting stronger every day. My life is beautiful and I look forward to each day. Seriously. Again..all my best to you, brother. And keep asking questions (regardless of the responses)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
tesq, IMO...first off you dont have a clue to what being sober is right now... not drinking is a better way to put it...
for me, now as a sober muscian, i do know about the club, bar, concert scene all too well!
shure, i thought i was playing way better, being more creative, hear'n the music better...
after over thirtyfive plus years of everyday replaspes, slips, or whatever one likes to call it, everyday i said tomorrow i would get it under control, or stop!
it never happened til the day it all became so exausting, i was about to take my own life!
that Rat of Addiction had me by the balls!
now, after surendering to all of it, changing myself compleatly, with the help of a good recovery program, doing the work, and not sit'n on my ass watching Oprah and eating Bon-Bons!
i can now say i'm sober!
what a joy it is playing music sober, the creative juices are way more then any buzz i have had, and had many!
as i have come to see...
there are many top clean and sober artist that are real people, not masking their muscianship behind huge ego's, booze, sex and drugs...
tesq i do know first hand, i was one of them!
good wishes to you, and think about what i have said... maybe not today, i just hope it might stay in the back of your mind...
to all the sober muscians out there! bravo!!!
rz
for me, now as a sober muscian, i do know about the club, bar, concert scene all too well!
shure, i thought i was playing way better, being more creative, hear'n the music better...
after over thirtyfive plus years of everyday replaspes, slips, or whatever one likes to call it, everyday i said tomorrow i would get it under control, or stop!
it never happened til the day it all became so exausting, i was about to take my own life!
that Rat of Addiction had me by the balls!
now, after surendering to all of it, changing myself compleatly, with the help of a good recovery program, doing the work, and not sit'n on my ass watching Oprah and eating Bon-Bons!
i can now say i'm sober!
what a joy it is playing music sober, the creative juices are way more then any buzz i have had, and had many!
as i have come to see...
there are many top clean and sober artist that are real people, not masking their muscianship behind huge ego's, booze, sex and drugs...
tesq i do know first hand, i was one of them!
good wishes to you, and think about what i have said... maybe not today, i just hope it might stay in the back of your mind...
to all the sober muscians out there! bravo!!!
rz
I am McLovin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Clara, CA
Posts: 144
Thank you Slash.
I like to think my life is complicated. I have so many things going on that fall outside of the regular AA meeting. Most people that I see there are so hopeless, clinging to a string... I have a growing career, wife, and my (sorry to say) awesome life as a performing rockstar..but yet on a string.
This doesn't mesh with sobriety, and I know that. I could be talented, and funny, yet sober...and I have told many people of my path. It's just easy to screw around in the name of entertainment.
I got paid really well last night, even after-the-fact as an added thank you from the promoters because we rocked the crowd. I like doing this... I don't have to drink to do it either... I just always get caught up in the moment.
I like being normal and walking the dogs and cooking and cleaning house...but when my stage persona surfaces, all bets are off. But sometimes that persona follows me home and I get stupid.
Sorry if I offended you all again. I feel like an outcast posting this.
Let the bashing begin. Epic fail.
I like to think my life is complicated. I have so many things going on that fall outside of the regular AA meeting. Most people that I see there are so hopeless, clinging to a string... I have a growing career, wife, and my (sorry to say) awesome life as a performing rockstar..but yet on a string.
This doesn't mesh with sobriety, and I know that. I could be talented, and funny, yet sober...and I have told many people of my path. It's just easy to screw around in the name of entertainment.
I got paid really well last night, even after-the-fact as an added thank you from the promoters because we rocked the crowd. I like doing this... I don't have to drink to do it either... I just always get caught up in the moment.
I like being normal and walking the dogs and cooking and cleaning house...but when my stage persona surfaces, all bets are off. But sometimes that persona follows me home and I get stupid.
Sorry if I offended you all again. I feel like an outcast posting this.
Let the bashing begin. Epic fail.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I don't think it falls under epic fail (an AOTS reference I am geussing)
You just need to really find out what you want out of all of this, if drinking is making your life unmanageable - there is a way out.
I know a few professional musicians who are sober, and just as good, if not better. I think a certain member from Cream has been sober for awhile.
Take some time, find out what you really want - time to weigh it out and see which direction you are going to take.
Take care, be kind to yourself. Thanks for your honest share.
~a
You just need to really find out what you want out of all of this, if drinking is making your life unmanageable - there is a way out.
I know a few professional musicians who are sober, and just as good, if not better. I think a certain member from Cream has been sober for awhile.
Take some time, find out what you really want - time to weigh it out and see which direction you are going to take.
Take care, be kind to yourself. Thanks for your honest share.
~a
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
reads to me more like ... you're not ready.
you say you want honesty -
but when someone answers you so -
you call it bashing.
the simple truth is what it is.
I dunno -
it reads more like - I went out and had a great weekend
living like I ALWAYS HAVE ...
the life I know is going nowhere ...
and so now what are you gonna say about it?
Well, son ... the answer is:
nothing.
I had a great weekend too -
and didn't manipulate anyone into doing anything.
Didn't play up to some woman to get her to sleep with my friend
who she probably wouldn't sleep with if he weren't 'with the band' ...
I didn't break my promise to myself and to my Higher Power...
didn't endanger anyone drinking and driving ...
didn't break any substance abuse laws ...
and this morning -
I have no regrets for any actions I"ve made.
I dunno -
I just got the feeling you WANTED to be yelled at or something.
so ... maybe I missed the point?
Do what you want.
you say you want honesty -
but when someone answers you so -
you call it bashing.
the simple truth is what it is.
I dunno -
it reads more like - I went out and had a great weekend
living like I ALWAYS HAVE ...
the life I know is going nowhere ...
and so now what are you gonna say about it?
Well, son ... the answer is:
nothing.
I had a great weekend too -
and didn't manipulate anyone into doing anything.
Didn't play up to some woman to get her to sleep with my friend
who she probably wouldn't sleep with if he weren't 'with the band' ...
I didn't break my promise to myself and to my Higher Power...
didn't endanger anyone drinking and driving ...
didn't break any substance abuse laws ...
and this morning -
I have no regrets for any actions I"ve made.
I dunno -
I just got the feeling you WANTED to be yelled at or something.
so ... maybe I missed the point?
Do what you want.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Wine and Roses
Tesquizito;
I'm glad I read your post. It reminded me of me.....except for being the awesome rock-star.......anyways, I'm glad I read your post cause it reminds me of the first few times I drink after a bought of sobriety. I wonder why in the heck I ever quit. Drinking is great fun. I didn't get into any trouble (that I can remember). I had so many laughs (I think). I felt great (but not today).
But all that only lasted for the first few drunks. Then I was right back to my old self. My old troubles. My old ways. My old drunk self.
The drunk inside me is very cagey. She is very smart and knows how to get what she wants. She will behave herself to convince me I can keep drinking. Then, all hell breaks loose and I'm battling the dragon all over again.
So I am grateful for your post. However, I doubt there will be many more wonderful drunk stories to follow. The drunk inside you will emerge soon enough, he will be thirsty and ferocious. Not caring about you or anything else.....just the drink.
Is sobriety boring? Sometimes...ya. But so was being a drunk. BORING! Same old same old. Just a big cycle. Wine and roses, then the trouble, then trying to quit, then the struggle to stay quit, then the thinking about the drink, and then back at er'. Then of coarse it starts all over again...and again....and again.
So for me....I'll take the flowers and unicorns over wine and roses any day!
Tay.
I'm glad I read your post. It reminded me of me.....except for being the awesome rock-star.......anyways, I'm glad I read your post cause it reminds me of the first few times I drink after a bought of sobriety. I wonder why in the heck I ever quit. Drinking is great fun. I didn't get into any trouble (that I can remember). I had so many laughs (I think). I felt great (but not today).
But all that only lasted for the first few drunks. Then I was right back to my old self. My old troubles. My old ways. My old drunk self.
The drunk inside me is very cagey. She is very smart and knows how to get what she wants. She will behave herself to convince me I can keep drinking. Then, all hell breaks loose and I'm battling the dragon all over again.
So I am grateful for your post. However, I doubt there will be many more wonderful drunk stories to follow. The drunk inside you will emerge soon enough, he will be thirsty and ferocious. Not caring about you or anything else.....just the drink.
Is sobriety boring? Sometimes...ya. But so was being a drunk. BORING! Same old same old. Just a big cycle. Wine and roses, then the trouble, then trying to quit, then the struggle to stay quit, then the thinking about the drink, and then back at er'. Then of coarse it starts all over again...and again....and again.
So for me....I'll take the flowers and unicorns over wine and roses any day!
Tay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Tay
As a teacher and principal, I've had thousand of kids tell me something is "boring."
My response? "Boring people have boring lives." I didn't mean it as a comment on THEM, but simply as an approach to life. Want some excitement? Be a hospice volunteer. An advocate for human rights. A parent.
Helping and giving and committing to making the world just a little bit better because we are here is the least boring thing in life. I guarantee that it beats being an ego driven "star." (That is NOT a comment on Tesquizito)
One can be a rock star, an accountant, or a truck driver and still do the above. One wakes up with a purpose far more exciting than being the center of attention or even a "fan."
Want some excitement? Look at a drop of pond water under a microscope. Find somewhere totally dark and watch the meteors flash by. Grow a tree. Care about Tibet. Hold an infant. Make real love.
Just my 2 cents worth.
warren
As a teacher and principal, I've had thousand of kids tell me something is "boring."
My response? "Boring people have boring lives." I didn't mean it as a comment on THEM, but simply as an approach to life. Want some excitement? Be a hospice volunteer. An advocate for human rights. A parent.
Helping and giving and committing to making the world just a little bit better because we are here is the least boring thing in life. I guarantee that it beats being an ego driven "star." (That is NOT a comment on Tesquizito)
One can be a rock star, an accountant, or a truck driver and still do the above. One wakes up with a purpose far more exciting than being the center of attention or even a "fan."
Want some excitement? Look at a drop of pond water under a microscope. Find somewhere totally dark and watch the meteors flash by. Grow a tree. Care about Tibet. Hold an infant. Make real love.
Just my 2 cents worth.
warren
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