I've lost everyting.....I need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
I've lost everyting.....I need help
Hello all. I've hit the bottom. I feel like I have let my whole family down. I've had to move for the 2nd time in 4 months, which means my autistic daughter has to start ANOTHER school.
I lost my fiance. Well, ex-fiance I guess. I have hurt him too bad to stick around. <-- This hurts VERY bad!!!
I'll go into more detail after a while. I'm just looking for positive words, happy stories, encouragement, anything that will help me get through this.
I guess on a bright note, I have found something out about my addiction. I've been doing drugs since I was 14. Slowly, I "kicked" the habit of the hard drugs and just smoked pot. Well, when I tried to "kick" that habit, that's when my drinking started to really pick up (and tear me down). When I moved for the last time, I moved in with an avid pot smoker. I found out that I'm not "addicted" to alcohol like I thought. Cuz I can go the whole day without needing it, as long as I can get high. I guess what I'm getting at is that I can't label my problem as 1 thing. I'm a substance abuser! Whether it be alcohol, weed, .....well it's really just those 2.
At least I found that out about me.
One last question...How long does it take for a persons mind to clear out? My brain is so.......not there! I don't even know how to explain it. I just cannot, flat out cannot, think!
In the past 3 weeks I have drank 2 times and smoked about 6 times. The family I'm living with is going to help me by stopping smoking! I think that's great. They see me struggling and think "Hey, this could be us someday!" So they are helping (even though it doesn't sound like it at first).
Just thought I'd throw that in.
:sorry
I lost my fiance. Well, ex-fiance I guess. I have hurt him too bad to stick around. <-- This hurts VERY bad!!!
I'll go into more detail after a while. I'm just looking for positive words, happy stories, encouragement, anything that will help me get through this.
I guess on a bright note, I have found something out about my addiction. I've been doing drugs since I was 14. Slowly, I "kicked" the habit of the hard drugs and just smoked pot. Well, when I tried to "kick" that habit, that's when my drinking started to really pick up (and tear me down). When I moved for the last time, I moved in with an avid pot smoker. I found out that I'm not "addicted" to alcohol like I thought. Cuz I can go the whole day without needing it, as long as I can get high. I guess what I'm getting at is that I can't label my problem as 1 thing. I'm a substance abuser! Whether it be alcohol, weed, .....well it's really just those 2.
At least I found that out about me.
One last question...How long does it take for a persons mind to clear out? My brain is so.......not there! I don't even know how to explain it. I just cannot, flat out cannot, think!
In the past 3 weeks I have drank 2 times and smoked about 6 times. The family I'm living with is going to help me by stopping smoking! I think that's great. They see me struggling and think "Hey, this could be us someday!" So they are helping (even though it doesn't sound like it at first).
Just thought I'd throw that in.
:sorry
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by melwilson 
One last question...How long does it take for a persons mind to clear out? My brain is so.......not there! I don't even know how to explain it. I just cannot, flat out cannot, think!
In the past 3 weeks I have drank 2 times and smoked about 6 times. The family I'm living with is going to help me by stopping smoking! I think that's great. They see me struggling and think "Hey, this could be us someday!" So they are helping (even though it doesn't sound like it at first).
Just thought I'd throw that in.
:sorry
In the past 3 weeks I have drank 2 times and smoked about 6 times. The family I'm living with is going to help me by stopping smoking! I think that's great. They see me struggling and think "Hey, this could be us someday!" So they are helping (even though it doesn't sound like it at first).
Just thought I'd throw that in.
:sorry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
Oh trust me, abstinence is what I'm going to do! I've been sober for 3 days now. I know that in a little while (however long it may be) I'm going to start feeling better, and the emotional rollercoaster will slow down a little. Right now I'm feeling a little down, and need some positive reinforcement.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 48
youl get throught it it takes awhile im on 3rd month of recovery and i still feel i cant think everyhting is hazed but it does get better over the months it wont be fun or easy but it well be worth it, and for losing alot, if that what it takes for you to realize then think of it as a good sign to start over and start rebuilding hang in there
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Mel
Bottoms can be a gift if we choose to see them that way.
As an addict (alcohol) I'm not sure that it matters what the drug of choice is. If my disease were active, and I were on an island with other mood altering substances, but no alcohol, I'm pretty sure what I would do. Even if it were one of those substances that I find socially and morally abhorrent. Cancer spreads...
I hope that you can abstain long enough to deal with the real issues. They are elusive. I find that trying to "define" our addiction can be dangerous. When we decide what we are we tend to decide what we are not. Careful.
Many people here would not trade their "bottoms." I am one of those. I have a pending DUI that should never have happened. I am looking at some very unpleasant stuff.
But the addict did it, I didn't do it. It has forced me to confront the addict. Chances are I would not have and I would have faced a more serious bottom. In the seven weeks of my sobriety, I have received many gifts. I am repairing relationships that I may have lost. The addict was clueless about this.
We can use this stuff to not simply become sober, but to become the person that we really are. Most of us look in the mirror, and aside from our drinking, etc, we see one of the world's good people. Many of us are giving, gentle people. And we are confused when others don't see that.
Sobriety has allowed me to be the person I really am. And I like me. I really do. The police don't. I'm sure the judge won't. But I have the strength (I hope) to deal with that. The truth shall set us free...
warren
Bottoms can be a gift if we choose to see them that way.
As an addict (alcohol) I'm not sure that it matters what the drug of choice is. If my disease were active, and I were on an island with other mood altering substances, but no alcohol, I'm pretty sure what I would do. Even if it were one of those substances that I find socially and morally abhorrent. Cancer spreads...
I hope that you can abstain long enough to deal with the real issues. They are elusive. I find that trying to "define" our addiction can be dangerous. When we decide what we are we tend to decide what we are not. Careful.
Many people here would not trade their "bottoms." I am one of those. I have a pending DUI that should never have happened. I am looking at some very unpleasant stuff.
But the addict did it, I didn't do it. It has forced me to confront the addict. Chances are I would not have and I would have faced a more serious bottom. In the seven weeks of my sobriety, I have received many gifts. I am repairing relationships that I may have lost. The addict was clueless about this.
We can use this stuff to not simply become sober, but to become the person that we really are. Most of us look in the mirror, and aside from our drinking, etc, we see one of the world's good people. Many of us are giving, gentle people. And we are confused when others don't see that.
Sobriety has allowed me to be the person I really am. And I like me. I really do. The police don't. I'm sure the judge won't. But I have the strength (I hope) to deal with that. The truth shall set us free...
warren
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 149
bottoms sxxk
Bottoms are horrible. Being at the bottom pissed me off. I have been hood winked, robbed and left for dead by my deliusions and the evilness of being under the influence.
The thought that keeps me sober the most is the one that focuses on how I will enter a time warp by picking up.
Hope you had enough and surrender.
The thought that keeps me sober the most is the one that focuses on how I will enter a time warp by picking up.
Hope you had enough and surrender.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Well, you asked for positive words and your post is actually filled with them!
You are with your daughter
You have learned things about your addiction
Although abstinence is the goal, you have cut down recently
The family you are with is being supportive
"How long does it take for a persons mind to clear out?" I think it's different for everyone but for me, the physical stuff fully cleared up in about 10 days. I think the mental/emotional stuff depends on how you address that aspect of your addiction. Start a good program & work hard - figure things out, get stronger and it will likely improve quicker. I've been feeling a little bit better with each day. Now, after 3 1/2 months sober and working hard on my sobriety, I feel pretty good but have my off days.
3 1/2 months ago, I had people who believed in me (mainly in AA and here & some familly members) when I was struggling and here I am - still alive & still sober. Believe in yourself! You can do this! D
You are with your daughter
You have learned things about your addiction
Although abstinence is the goal, you have cut down recently
The family you are with is being supportive
"How long does it take for a persons mind to clear out?" I think it's different for everyone but for me, the physical stuff fully cleared up in about 10 days. I think the mental/emotional stuff depends on how you address that aspect of your addiction. Start a good program & work hard - figure things out, get stronger and it will likely improve quicker. I've been feeling a little bit better with each day. Now, after 3 1/2 months sober and working hard on my sobriety, I feel pretty good but have my off days.
3 1/2 months ago, I had people who believed in me (mainly in AA and here & some familly members) when I was struggling and here I am - still alive & still sober. Believe in yourself! You can do this! D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
I agree with what the other have said above.
Personally I've been stuck at the bottem since last september. I got sober (and then slipped 3 weeks ago) but I've quit alcohol and benzo's although I've substituted my addictions with compulsive gambling, and things aren't getting better. However, on the other hand I'm learning so much here at the bottom. I'm becoming a nicer and better person so I can do Gods will a bit better then I was doing before. Like today, for example, I was chopping some fire wood for my grandparents - it was no big deal, it was just a little thing, but I guess it makes my spirit feel just a little bit better knowing I've done something for somebody else.
Personally I've been stuck at the bottem since last september. I got sober (and then slipped 3 weeks ago) but I've quit alcohol and benzo's although I've substituted my addictions with compulsive gambling, and things aren't getting better. However, on the other hand I'm learning so much here at the bottom. I'm becoming a nicer and better person so I can do Gods will a bit better then I was doing before. Like today, for example, I was chopping some fire wood for my grandparents - it was no big deal, it was just a little thing, but I guess it makes my spirit feel just a little bit better knowing I've done something for somebody else.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Hi Mel!
When I got to the point that it sounds like you're at, I finally understood that there was no amount of pretending or deluding myself. I finally understood, without a shadow of a doubt (and with a great amount of fear and desperation) that I was an alcoholic, and that I absolutely was unable to stop drinking without help. For me, this meant I got down on my knees (sobbing) and begged God for help. And then I went to an AA meeting as soon as possible. And I got myself into an outpatient treatment program.
My family was suffering because of my actions (and they continue to suffer now, 64 days later - but in different ways). I could hide from myself no more. And what this meant was that I had to climb out of the terrible hell I had climbed into. This was the blessing of reaching that place.
I think you've been suffering for a long time (your join date is Jan.) and you have not reached the place that you need to reach to finally make the decision to take responsiblity for your actions, stop the insanity, and get well.
It doesn't matter if you call yourself an alcoholic or an addict. Or both. What matters is that you recognize you cannot drink or do drugs any longer without causing harm to yourself and to others. Make your sobriety (from all substances) your prioritiy - put it first - and help yourself find a way to live a better life.
One of the things you say in your post is that the family you are living with is going to help you stop smoking. I don't really think anyone can do that but you. It certainly helps to be around people who care, though. So that is a blessing.
Not everyone is into AA, but for me, AA gives me a place where people totally see who I am and where I can learn more about what I need to do to stay sober.
You asked for positive words, happy stories and encouragment. Here's my positive words of encouragement: You can get sober if you set your mind to it. There are programs designed specifically to help you, there are people who make it their mission to help you, many many people have found sobriety before you. And time (along with sobriety) heals the wounds that we've inflicted with our addictions. You absolutely can do this. And if you look deep in your heart, my guess is you know that. It is scary and it feels sometimes unbeatable. But your deepest heart knows that you can do it. That is what I experienced.
Good luck to you and work hard. Things can and do get better.
When I got to the point that it sounds like you're at, I finally understood that there was no amount of pretending or deluding myself. I finally understood, without a shadow of a doubt (and with a great amount of fear and desperation) that I was an alcoholic, and that I absolutely was unable to stop drinking without help. For me, this meant I got down on my knees (sobbing) and begged God for help. And then I went to an AA meeting as soon as possible. And I got myself into an outpatient treatment program.
My family was suffering because of my actions (and they continue to suffer now, 64 days later - but in different ways). I could hide from myself no more. And what this meant was that I had to climb out of the terrible hell I had climbed into. This was the blessing of reaching that place.
I think you've been suffering for a long time (your join date is Jan.) and you have not reached the place that you need to reach to finally make the decision to take responsiblity for your actions, stop the insanity, and get well.
It doesn't matter if you call yourself an alcoholic or an addict. Or both. What matters is that you recognize you cannot drink or do drugs any longer without causing harm to yourself and to others. Make your sobriety (from all substances) your prioritiy - put it first - and help yourself find a way to live a better life.
One of the things you say in your post is that the family you are living with is going to help you stop smoking. I don't really think anyone can do that but you. It certainly helps to be around people who care, though. So that is a blessing.
Not everyone is into AA, but for me, AA gives me a place where people totally see who I am and where I can learn more about what I need to do to stay sober.
You asked for positive words, happy stories and encouragment. Here's my positive words of encouragement: You can get sober if you set your mind to it. There are programs designed specifically to help you, there are people who make it their mission to help you, many many people have found sobriety before you. And time (along with sobriety) heals the wounds that we've inflicted with our addictions. You absolutely can do this. And if you look deep in your heart, my guess is you know that. It is scary and it feels sometimes unbeatable. But your deepest heart knows that you can do it. That is what I experienced.
Good luck to you and work hard. Things can and do get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
WOW! Thank you sooooo much to everyone who has posted! I can honestly say that I feel encouraged by your posts! I recieved exactly what I was looking for, and I thank you!!!
My life feels absoluetly crazy right now. I don't have physical withdrawls, but I do have mental ones. I can't even remember 5 mins. ago!! I'm very scatter brained and anxious. Also, the fog in my brain is starting to settle, and I'm fully understanding more of what I'm putting my family through. Everything is starting to get a little more clear. Now only if I can remember.......
Well here's my thing...My parents are taking my 2 little girls for a couple of months. I'm going to stay here with my friend and her family and get sober. So my wee ones will be 18 hours away! It's kind of a mixed blesing. First off, my little girls will not see me like this anymore (that is a blessing!) and I can focus 100% on getting sober. On the other hand, it really makes me feel like a failure as a mother for someone to take my girls so I CAN get sober.
I'm still stuck in the limbo of depression/guilt/shame of what I have done with my life. I guess I just need to quite feeling sorry for myself and start doing some positive things to change it. Sometimes, that is just easier said than done.
My life feels absoluetly crazy right now. I don't have physical withdrawls, but I do have mental ones. I can't even remember 5 mins. ago!! I'm very scatter brained and anxious. Also, the fog in my brain is starting to settle, and I'm fully understanding more of what I'm putting my family through. Everything is starting to get a little more clear. Now only if I can remember.......
Well here's my thing...My parents are taking my 2 little girls for a couple of months. I'm going to stay here with my friend and her family and get sober. So my wee ones will be 18 hours away! It's kind of a mixed blesing. First off, my little girls will not see me like this anymore (that is a blessing!) and I can focus 100% on getting sober. On the other hand, it really makes me feel like a failure as a mother for someone to take my girls so I CAN get sober.
I'm still stuck in the limbo of depression/guilt/shame of what I have done with my life. I guess I just need to quite feeling sorry for myself and start doing some positive things to change it. Sometimes, that is just easier said than done.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Mel,
Good for you! I live across the country from you and have never met you in my life but I am *proud* of you.
I actually had to give my 2 oldest boys (I have 4) to their dad when they were 2 and 6. I was divorced from their dad but he's a good dad. My other boys weren't born yet. I didn't do it to get sober (still hadn't even realized/admitted that was part of the problem) but did it because I was out-of-control bipolar and undiagnosed/treated. I was very mentally ill and unable to function but I knew enough to feel a lot of pain that I couldn't take care of my children.
In hindsight, I'm very glad I did it. My children and fine. And I protected them, really, from seeing me in such bad shape. And I was able to focus on getting better.
Good luck to you. And hang in there. It really does get better. My only concern is that you get treatment or join a program rather than relying entirely on the kindness and support/strength of the family you are with. I know I mentioned this in my earlier post so I'm sorry to repeat myself. I am learning so much from from outpatient treatment program. And I get an enormous amount of support from AA and also feel a kinship that is incredibly helpful. I think working the steps with my sponsor is one of the things keeping me really focused on sobriety.
Obviously, many people get sober without AA or any program - I don't mean to imply they don't. I am working through a book that I find helpful also called, A Place Called Self - Women, Sobriety and Radical Transformation.
Hang in there! And be gentle with yourself.
Good for you! I live across the country from you and have never met you in my life but I am *proud* of you.
I actually had to give my 2 oldest boys (I have 4) to their dad when they were 2 and 6. I was divorced from their dad but he's a good dad. My other boys weren't born yet. I didn't do it to get sober (still hadn't even realized/admitted that was part of the problem) but did it because I was out-of-control bipolar and undiagnosed/treated. I was very mentally ill and unable to function but I knew enough to feel a lot of pain that I couldn't take care of my children.
In hindsight, I'm very glad I did it. My children and fine. And I protected them, really, from seeing me in such bad shape. And I was able to focus on getting better.
Good luck to you. And hang in there. It really does get better. My only concern is that you get treatment or join a program rather than relying entirely on the kindness and support/strength of the family you are with. I know I mentioned this in my earlier post so I'm sorry to repeat myself. I am learning so much from from outpatient treatment program. And I get an enormous amount of support from AA and also feel a kinship that is incredibly helpful. I think working the steps with my sponsor is one of the things keeping me really focused on sobriety.
Obviously, many people get sober without AA or any program - I don't mean to imply they don't. I am working through a book that I find helpful also called, A Place Called Self - Women, Sobriety and Radical Transformation.
Hang in there! And be gentle with yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
Being gentle with myself is the hardest part. I have always been so hard on myself. I'm going to try to get myself into an outpatient program. Hopefully that will help me through all of this a little more.
Can anyone tell me what to expect in an outpatient program?
Can anyone tell me what to expect in an outpatient program?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
My parents are taking my 2 little girls for a couple of months.
My sponsor pointed out that since I wasn't working, and had no responsibilities, that I focus on my program. (AA)
I did.
3 months later, my daughters were back.
6 months later I was working.
Today, my life is incredibly satisfying. I comprehend the word serenity, and I know peace.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
It will be wonderful! Just commit to it and you'll be fine!! You are sacrificing being with your girls for a better future for them and you! Look for similarities and not differences and you will get soo much! Good luck and well done!
cathy31
x
cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
Glass and Cathy, Thank you. I cannot tell you how much your words mean to me. At first, I felt like a failure. Now I realize that what I'm doing is for the best....for all of us. I anticipate that it is going to be a long, hard road for all of us, but it will also be well worth it.
What doesn't kill us will make us stronger! After this, I'm gunna be one tough B**CH!!
He he he. ;-)
What doesn't kill us will make us stronger! After this, I'm gunna be one tough B**CH!!
He he he. ;-)
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I really look forward to my outpatient times. I started out at 4 days a week and then got slowly cut back to 2. I was kind of bummed but it was okay. The 2 days I go are both very intensive - they are eveings from 6-9 and we almost always go over a little. There is a lot of structured sharing and also a lot of just plain alcoholism education. Which I have found very helpful. There was a family night but my spouse had only disdain for that, of course - since it's not HIS problem. Okay. I give that to God.
We have also had many written asssingments which were very difficult but cathartic. And we did a mock AA meeting for anyone who hadn't gone before and was intimidated. That was kind of funny. Anyway, I graduate April 23 and feel sadness, a little. I've made friends who I feel serious affection for. I don't think I'll keep up my connection but I do think we'll run into each other in AA meetings and that will be wonderful.
You get to the point where you just really really want this other person to stay in recovery and then you realize you're making it about them and you turn it around on yourself and it is funny and loving and it goes both ways. It's just not like anything I've ever experienced before. So go do it!! God do it! And be brave and nice to yourself at the same time!
We have also had many written asssingments which were very difficult but cathartic. And we did a mock AA meeting for anyone who hadn't gone before and was intimidated. That was kind of funny. Anyway, I graduate April 23 and feel sadness, a little. I've made friends who I feel serious affection for. I don't think I'll keep up my connection but I do think we'll run into each other in AA meetings and that will be wonderful.
You get to the point where you just really really want this other person to stay in recovery and then you realize you're making it about them and you turn it around on yourself and it is funny and loving and it goes both ways. It's just not like anything I've ever experienced before. So go do it!! God do it! And be brave and nice to yourself at the same time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
Well...I don't think Outpatient is what I'm going to do. I think Inpatient is the only way for me. I don't physically go through withdrawl, but I have to be supervised 100% of the time so I don't drink.
I'm really tired of making bad decisions and wrecking my life! I'm tired of hurting the people around me. It's time to get help!!
I'm really tired of making bad decisions and wrecking my life! I'm tired of hurting the people around me. It's time to get help!!
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