Got to day 9... and I goofed up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Brixton
Posts: 250
Got to day 9... and I goofed up
Hi everyone,
I'm a very unhappy bear this morning. I feel so ashamed to have to own up to this. Yesterday was my day 9 - my first ever day 9 - and I goofed up, big time. Now I'm absolutely at rock bottom.
I thought I was past the worst of the withdrawal. But I allowed myself to get a bit stressed yesterday afternoon, and the addiction came flooding back - as if the dam had burst and a torrent of alcoholic thoughts overwhelmed me. I feel so ill with this disease.
I'm so fed up with myself, I just feel I don't deserve to be in this forum. I've received so much support, and yet I still goof it up. I got to day 7, and I messed up. Then I get to day 9, and I mess up. My recovery feels like it's a million miles away at the moment.
I guess all I can do is pick up the wreckage and try to stick myself back together again. I've let you all down - I'm sorry. I'm right back at square one with day one - all over again. I'm really down...
PB
I'm a very unhappy bear this morning. I feel so ashamed to have to own up to this. Yesterday was my day 9 - my first ever day 9 - and I goofed up, big time. Now I'm absolutely at rock bottom.
I thought I was past the worst of the withdrawal. But I allowed myself to get a bit stressed yesterday afternoon, and the addiction came flooding back - as if the dam had burst and a torrent of alcoholic thoughts overwhelmed me. I feel so ill with this disease.
I'm so fed up with myself, I just feel I don't deserve to be in this forum. I've received so much support, and yet I still goof it up. I got to day 7, and I messed up. Then I get to day 9, and I mess up. My recovery feels like it's a million miles away at the moment.
I guess all I can do is pick up the wreckage and try to stick myself back together again. I've let you all down - I'm sorry. I'm right back at square one with day one - all over again. I'm really down...
PB
Force Is Strong In This One
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 107
Hey!, sorry to hear that, ive just struggled my way up to my fourth and the first day was the usual nightmare of why have i got myself back here!
You made it to 9 which is great, im sure you can do it again and beyod!
Stay safe
You made it to 9 which is great, im sure you can do it again and beyod!
Stay safe
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
pb, it took me from LAST april (When i first ACCEPTED I had a problem) until january this YEAR to manage more than a WEEK.
i kept going three days, then 4, then 1, then 2 it was such a rollercoaster.
Then in january i managed 16 days, wow i thought to myself, so i sank a bottle of red wine.
I did two weeks again, went away camping and got wasted.
Now here i am on day 6, i feel optomistic as i have finally got honest with myself
But i drank thursday/friday and felt close to suicidal saturday morning and was RIGHT where you are today.
This time round i know i have to take a different approach, ive been told , slips/relapse is fine, aslong as you LEARN from it.
So i went to my first AA meeting last night, cried like a **** and came home and confessed all to my patner.
I feel as if a HUGE weights been lifted by not going this alone- dont go it alone , you dont have to.
My thoughts are with you today.
i kept going three days, then 4, then 1, then 2 it was such a rollercoaster.
Then in january i managed 16 days, wow i thought to myself, so i sank a bottle of red wine.
I did two weeks again, went away camping and got wasted.
Now here i am on day 6, i feel optomistic as i have finally got honest with myself
But i drank thursday/friday and felt close to suicidal saturday morning and was RIGHT where you are today.
This time round i know i have to take a different approach, ive been told , slips/relapse is fine, aslong as you LEARN from it.
So i went to my first AA meeting last night, cried like a **** and came home and confessed all to my patner.
I feel as if a HUGE weights been lifted by not going this alone- dont go it alone , you dont have to.
My thoughts are with you today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Portsmouth UK
Posts: 33
Paddington Bear! (Don't worry, I'm not going to shout)
So, you goofed up! I was really sorry to hear that because we have been travelling along together. And guess what.....we still are! I don't think you will find anyone on this forum that doesn't think you belong here. It is exactly what this forum is about, and recovery doesn't go in straight lines. So relax.
Remember, you only slipped because your recovery is in the very early stages. The only reason you could possibly be ashamed is if you don't learn from your mistake. I have goofed up several times in the past - but each time, I have learnt a little more and my next recovery attempt is stronger. The important thing is see each and every day in isolation. If yesterday was a bad day, then today can still be a good day!
Try to replay Day Nine in your mind. Think about how you felt, what stressed you, and what kinds of feelings you had before you caved. Try to tink about what you could have done, or what you could have felt to avoid slipping back. Analyse the past and plan for the future.
I don't know if you will drink today or not - and I won't lecture you either way. Just put the past behind you, whether that means yesterday, or last year, or a decade ago. The past does not exist, only the future.
I am here to support you like everyone else. So, please keep posting and chatting - we would all miss the Paddington Bear!
Great Escape
So, you goofed up! I was really sorry to hear that because we have been travelling along together. And guess what.....we still are! I don't think you will find anyone on this forum that doesn't think you belong here. It is exactly what this forum is about, and recovery doesn't go in straight lines. So relax.
Remember, you only slipped because your recovery is in the very early stages. The only reason you could possibly be ashamed is if you don't learn from your mistake. I have goofed up several times in the past - but each time, I have learnt a little more and my next recovery attempt is stronger. The important thing is see each and every day in isolation. If yesterday was a bad day, then today can still be a good day!
Try to replay Day Nine in your mind. Think about how you felt, what stressed you, and what kinds of feelings you had before you caved. Try to tink about what you could have done, or what you could have felt to avoid slipping back. Analyse the past and plan for the future.
I don't know if you will drink today or not - and I won't lecture you either way. Just put the past behind you, whether that means yesterday, or last year, or a decade ago. The past does not exist, only the future.
I am here to support you like everyone else. So, please keep posting and chatting - we would all miss the Paddington Bear!
Great Escape
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Dear PB;
You had a slip. You learn from it and dust yourself off and start over again. I can't count how many times I had to start over just this year. But you CAN do it. As to not belonging here... I don't believe that. THis forum is a hospital for alcoholics and addicts, NOT a museum for tee-totalling saints!:ghug2 We're with you every step of the way! We all understand how you're feeling and love you just the same.
Just for today... don't drink... one day at a time.
You had a slip. You learn from it and dust yourself off and start over again. I can't count how many times I had to start over just this year. But you CAN do it. As to not belonging here... I don't believe that. THis forum is a hospital for alcoholics and addicts, NOT a museum for tee-totalling saints!:ghug2 We're with you every step of the way! We all understand how you're feeling and love you just the same.
Just for today... don't drink... one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 55
I feel the same way...but like everyone tells me (when I mess up), 'at least you're here now'. You came back, you WANT to keep trying, and that's a start. I've had many slip ups since I've recognized that I have joined this site, but I also keep coming back here. I know I want to be sober, I'm just having a hard time keeping my mind on that path. I wish you the best of luck. Keep going, you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Brixton
Posts: 250
Hello everyone,
Thank you SO much for all your kind support - thanks Mr H., Barb, Supernothing, Great Escape, least, RK2007 - thanks to all of you out there. Your posts have really, really helped me. Thank you!!! :ghug3
I am most definitely not going to drink today. Today has reminded me (as if I needed reminding!) of why I want to deal with my drink problem. I feel absolutely rubbish. I'm just sitting here at work, not able to do anything worthwhile because the hangover is so bad. It's such a waste of a day of life. And every time the phone rings, it's like an explosion... I hate what alcohol does to me...
I love that point, least, that the forum is like a hospital for alcoholics and addicts. I really want to get better. Thanks for letting me share...
I think the lessons I've learned from the last 24 hours are:
1) I must always be on my guard - my alcoholic mind can catch me out quite suddenly if I am not careful
2) If I want to live, I need to work the 12 steps as much as I need to breathe
3) I need to get to more AA meetings. I've made a start at attending, but I need to go to more meetings
Well, I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to get back in the saddle and head back towards sobriety...
Thank you SO MUCH for helping me. I couldn't do this on my own...
Paddington
Thank you SO much for all your kind support - thanks Mr H., Barb, Supernothing, Great Escape, least, RK2007 - thanks to all of you out there. Your posts have really, really helped me. Thank you!!! :ghug3
I am most definitely not going to drink today. Today has reminded me (as if I needed reminding!) of why I want to deal with my drink problem. I feel absolutely rubbish. I'm just sitting here at work, not able to do anything worthwhile because the hangover is so bad. It's such a waste of a day of life. And every time the phone rings, it's like an explosion... I hate what alcohol does to me...
I love that point, least, that the forum is like a hospital for alcoholics and addicts. I really want to get better. Thanks for letting me share...
I think the lessons I've learned from the last 24 hours are:
1) I must always be on my guard - my alcoholic mind can catch me out quite suddenly if I am not careful
2) If I want to live, I need to work the 12 steps as much as I need to breathe
3) I need to get to more AA meetings. I've made a start at attending, but I need to go to more meetings
Well, I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to get back in the saddle and head back towards sobriety...
Thank you SO MUCH for helping me. I couldn't do this on my own...
Paddington
PB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
PB
What happened is unfortunately very normal. T be expected, I think. If it were that easy, this place wouldn't exist. I am not suggesting relapse as a "good thing," but I do feel strongly that the knowledge gained makes for a stronger, more aware recovery. I think you know more now than you did a couple of weeks ago. Simply use it. Focus on what is healthy with you. The fact that you are here and haven't run away to your "cave."
And please don't apologize to us. None of us owes anyone else an apology. Sure, we share here, but we do what we do for no one but ourselves. Your recovery is not external to you. We own our addiction, we own our failures, we own our success. Only you can decide to surrender. Others can make us submit, but not surrender. We need more than compliance to beat this crap. We need total surrender.
We need a change that comes from within. A total metamorphosis. Nothing external causes a caterpillar to emerge as a butterfly. Sure, stuff like temperature and god knows what provides the caterpillar the conditions, but it does the work. This place, AA, family, etc can provide great conditions, but only PB can do the internal work. And you ARE doing it.
I see a lifetime of work toward becoming a butterfly. Like a butterfly, alcohol can only mess up the natural processes within. Which is why I am focusing on surrender. Anything I do can only interfere with nature's progress. That which is natural. Sobriety is natural. The only thing we can do is interfere with it.
Keep it up!
warren
What happened is unfortunately very normal. T be expected, I think. If it were that easy, this place wouldn't exist. I am not suggesting relapse as a "good thing," but I do feel strongly that the knowledge gained makes for a stronger, more aware recovery. I think you know more now than you did a couple of weeks ago. Simply use it. Focus on what is healthy with you. The fact that you are here and haven't run away to your "cave."
And please don't apologize to us. None of us owes anyone else an apology. Sure, we share here, but we do what we do for no one but ourselves. Your recovery is not external to you. We own our addiction, we own our failures, we own our success. Only you can decide to surrender. Others can make us submit, but not surrender. We need more than compliance to beat this crap. We need total surrender.
We need a change that comes from within. A total metamorphosis. Nothing external causes a caterpillar to emerge as a butterfly. Sure, stuff like temperature and god knows what provides the caterpillar the conditions, but it does the work. This place, AA, family, etc can provide great conditions, but only PB can do the internal work. And you ARE doing it.
I see a lifetime of work toward becoming a butterfly. Like a butterfly, alcohol can only mess up the natural processes within. Which is why I am focusing on surrender. Anything I do can only interfere with nature's progress. That which is natural. Sobriety is natural. The only thing we can do is interfere with it.
Keep it up!
warren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Brixton
Posts: 250
Thanks Vinnie and Warren, thanks for your encouragement. And I love the thought that you mentioned Warren, about the butterfly. I hope one day I can turn into a butterfly, set free from the chains of alcoholism. At the moment, after last night's drinking, I feel like a very unattractive caterpillar... I shall hold onto this thought in my battles with drink. I don't ever want to drink alcohol again... I don't want to be an ugly caterpillar all my life...
Thanks Warren, you've helped me so much with your posts - I appreciate it!
PB
Thanks Warren, you've helped me so much with your posts - I appreciate it!
PB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
You do deserve to be here...
Early sobriety was most challenging for me...It seems like when I hit the two week mark, I caved in...I just kept coming here...
Forgive yourself and start again...
Thinking of you...
Early sobriety was most challenging for me...It seems like when I hit the two week mark, I caved in...I just kept coming here...
Forgive yourself and start again...
Thinking of you...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
PB
The caterpillar is not an unattractive creature. It just is what it is until it changes. It has yet to fulfill its journey. If left alone, it most likely will. Add substances however, and I suspect it won't. It simply has to allow higher forces to act upon it and the metamorphosis will occur. We are not dissimilar, I think. All we can do is screw things up.
Keep on!
warren
The caterpillar is not an unattractive creature. It just is what it is until it changes. It has yet to fulfill its journey. If left alone, it most likely will. Add substances however, and I suspect it won't. It simply has to allow higher forces to act upon it and the metamorphosis will occur. We are not dissimilar, I think. All we can do is screw things up.
Keep on!
warren
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Keep trying, it will happen. I have gone over 30 days twice since November, then relapsedn but never stopped trying. And the great thing about SR is that many of us have done the exact same thing.
Make the most out of this, figure out what is not working in your plan for recovery and axe it, get rid of it, change it. You don't have to stay sober for the rest of your life, just try not to drink today and keep posting about your progress.
Remember, recovery is a roller coaster but the ride is worth it!
Make the most out of this, figure out what is not working in your plan for recovery and axe it, get rid of it, change it. You don't have to stay sober for the rest of your life, just try not to drink today and keep posting about your progress.
Remember, recovery is a roller coaster but the ride is worth it!
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