somethings different this time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
somethings different this time
im on day 5 and feeling really really scared and anxious.
I dont know if this is going to make any sense but i think the reason for this is that the final dregs of denial have disappeared.
I think i finally know what i am, and that i cant *just quit for a month* or, *just drink at weekends*
I know with all my heart for the first time in my life that i cannot go back to drinking, at least not if i want to live, i fully believe , for the first time, if i continue to lie to myself and try and control it it will get me, literally.
This should be a good thing but all i feel is utterly utterly terrified, coupled with crippling guilt and self loathing for not seeing the obvious sooner.
Im trying to follow *one day at a time* but my thoughts are spinning out of control and i feel as if im going to sink.
But what ever happens i will not drink today, if i do, it will kill me, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but it will.
I dont know if this is going to make any sense but i think the reason for this is that the final dregs of denial have disappeared.
I think i finally know what i am, and that i cant *just quit for a month* or, *just drink at weekends*
I know with all my heart for the first time in my life that i cannot go back to drinking, at least not if i want to live, i fully believe , for the first time, if i continue to lie to myself and try and control it it will get me, literally.
This should be a good thing but all i feel is utterly utterly terrified, coupled with crippling guilt and self loathing for not seeing the obvious sooner.
Im trying to follow *one day at a time* but my thoughts are spinning out of control and i feel as if im going to sink.
But what ever happens i will not drink today, if i do, it will kill me, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but it will.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR super, so what are you doing to stay sober.
The feelings you are felling are normal, you sound like me, I had a moment of clarity which showed me that if I did not stop drinking I was going to lose every material thing I had, lose my very soul which was already suffering from gangrene and die a slow painful alcoholics death.
The feelings you are felling are normal, you sound like me, I had a moment of clarity which showed me that if I did not stop drinking I was going to lose every material thing I had, lose my very soul which was already suffering from gangrene and die a slow painful alcoholics death.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 542
Way to go on 5 days. It can be tough when we first accept the harsh fact about our disease. The positive is that you were open enough to see it. Many never do in time to save their lives. It may not seem like it but it gets easier. Hang in there every sober day is a day closer to a better life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
i have been reading up on the 12 step approach and i have my first AA meeting this evening at 8.
I wanted to go at the weekend but i felt so foggy and ill that i decided i would get more out of it after a few days sober.
Already, just from the limited time and oppurtunity ive had to read the 12 step approach i can see how much of it applies to me and my attitudes,
I just hope i dont bottle it and that i do make it there this evening, :praying
I wanted to go at the weekend but i felt so foggy and ill that i decided i would get more out of it after a few days sober.
Already, just from the limited time and oppurtunity ive had to read the 12 step approach i can see how much of it applies to me and my attitudes,
I just hope i dont bottle it and that i do make it there this evening, :praying
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi supernothing,
I felt overwhelmed with the emotions you are describing too. Guilt, fear, shame just came at me wave after wave. Try to remember that your thoughts are just thoughts. They are not you and they are not who you are. Just keep moving forward and each day will be better.
I felt overwhelmed with the emotions you are describing too. Guilt, fear, shame just came at me wave after wave. Try to remember that your thoughts are just thoughts. They are not you and they are not who you are. Just keep moving forward and each day will be better.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Super every person in AA knows exactly that fear and nervousness of going through that door for the first time....... that fear of the great unkown!!!
Will I be able to withstand the initiation of having the implants put in with out anestesia? The embarrasement of dancing naked in front of everyone with the eye of a newt stuck in our left ear?
None of the above happens there, the only requirement to be a member of AA is a desire to stop drinking, that is it!
Go into it with an open mind, listen to what people say and relate into AA and not out of it. Many of us sit in a meeting and say to ourselfs "I am not like that person" if we are listening for differences, things start to happen when we start to listen for people to say things we can relate to!
There are things that almost every alcoholic has in common to one degree or another. It would not hurt to show up at the meeting about 15 minutes early that way you can ask some one about what type of meeting it is and they can explain a few things about what will be going on.
My first meetings were kind of a blur, the only thing I knew was, these people had been where I was at and they had found a way to stay sober and to be happy, they were friendly and they were glad I was there and they were willing to help me if I simply asked for help. If you don't love yourself (I hated my own guts), do not worry about it, they will love you until you learn to love your self.
Will I be able to withstand the initiation of having the implants put in with out anestesia? The embarrasement of dancing naked in front of everyone with the eye of a newt stuck in our left ear?
None of the above happens there, the only requirement to be a member of AA is a desire to stop drinking, that is it!
Go into it with an open mind, listen to what people say and relate into AA and not out of it. Many of us sit in a meeting and say to ourselfs "I am not like that person" if we are listening for differences, things start to happen when we start to listen for people to say things we can relate to!
There are things that almost every alcoholic has in common to one degree or another. It would not hurt to show up at the meeting about 15 minutes early that way you can ask some one about what type of meeting it is and they can explain a few things about what will be going on.
My first meetings were kind of a blur, the only thing I knew was, these people had been where I was at and they had found a way to stay sober and to be happy, they were friendly and they were glad I was there and they were willing to help me if I simply asked for help. If you don't love yourself (I hated my own guts), do not worry about it, they will love you until you learn to love your self.
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by supernothing 
I think i finally know what i am, and that i cant *just quit for a month* or, *just drink at weekends*
I know with all my heart for the first time in my life that i cannot go back to drinking, at least not if i want to live, i fully believe , for the first time, if i continue to lie to myself and try and control it it will get me, literally.
I know with all my heart for the first time in my life that i cannot go back to drinking, at least not if i want to live, i fully believe , for the first time, if i continue to lie to myself and try and control it it will get me, literally.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I'm on day four (or is it five?) and I'm having a lot of feelings I can't cope with right now. Guilt is a big one. Guilt for all the things I've damaged with my drinking: relationships, caring for my kids and pets, money wasted, screwing up my bank account... it's a long list. I'm trying to forgive myself for my mistakes and trying hard to focus just on today. I will not drink today. I will try to find something good in today, something to enjoy. Later on, when it warms up a bit, I will take my dogs for a long walk to the dog park and enjoy the sight of them running loose and playing. That always cheers me up, and the fresh air and sunshine and exercise are good for all of us.
we can do this!:ghug:praying We just have to focus on today! you are not alone!
we can do this!:ghug:praying We just have to focus on today! you are not alone!
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Hey Super!
Good for you! You are absolutely going in the right direction.
My first 2 weeks sober, when people in AA or in my treatment program would ask how I felt, all I could come up with is "Terrified!" I was so scared I was going to drink again. It didn't feel as if I had any say in the matter. And I was so scared I was so scared about what I was going to unearth once I slowly peeled off the layers of "Drunk woman."
It was truly terrifying for me. But asking for help when I needed it, trying to stay focused on day one, and then day one and then day one ( : helped. And also, distracting myself - a good video, a long walk, lunch with a friend who would rather die than have me relapse during lunch with her, etc.
You can do it! Good job being here now!
Good for you! You are absolutely going in the right direction.
My first 2 weeks sober, when people in AA or in my treatment program would ask how I felt, all I could come up with is "Terrified!" I was so scared I was going to drink again. It didn't feel as if I had any say in the matter. And I was so scared I was so scared about what I was going to unearth once I slowly peeled off the layers of "Drunk woman."
It was truly terrifying for me. But asking for help when I needed it, trying to stay focused on day one, and then day one and then day one ( : helped. And also, distracting myself - a good video, a long walk, lunch with a friend who would rather die than have me relapse during lunch with her, etc.
You can do it! Good job being here now!
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I finally accepted that I can't control alcohol (actually, alcohol was controlling me) after years & years of denial and trying to prove to myself that I was not an alcoholic. For me this is the foundation of my ongoing recovery. If I were to harbour even the slightest illusion that I could some day control and enjoy alcohol, there isn't a person or a program in the world that could help me.
I was terrified at first - can I do this, will I ever feel good, forgive myself? I really had to immerse myself in my recovery efforts - AA (meetings, sponsor, steps), prayer, health, reconnecting with family & friends, etc. My confidence and strength is growing each day & I am forgiving myself. Now, instead of feeling terrified, I find the freedom incredible - not fighting with myself, not obsessing.
I still get that "why didn't I see the obvious sooner" feeling. I'm 41 and of course I wish I would have quit years ago, even never started drinking. Simply put, I just wasn't ready. I also have to accept that even in my drinking years, I accomplished some really good things - I can't look at my past and just see the negative stuff. Now, I am just so grateful that I quit when I did and actually look forward to a sober life.
You are off to a great start. Best wishes.
I was terrified at first - can I do this, will I ever feel good, forgive myself? I really had to immerse myself in my recovery efforts - AA (meetings, sponsor, steps), prayer, health, reconnecting with family & friends, etc. My confidence and strength is growing each day & I am forgiving myself. Now, instead of feeling terrified, I find the freedom incredible - not fighting with myself, not obsessing.
I still get that "why didn't I see the obvious sooner" feeling. I'm 41 and of course I wish I would have quit years ago, even never started drinking. Simply put, I just wasn't ready. I also have to accept that even in my drinking years, I accomplished some really good things - I can't look at my past and just see the negative stuff. Now, I am just so grateful that I quit when I did and actually look forward to a sober life.
You are off to a great start. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Good job!
One thing that scared me is that I had to find something to replace the relationship that I had with alcohol. The AA fellowship is a great start.
Congrats again and I hope that your recovery is slow and that it lasts a life time.
One thing that scared me is that I had to find something to replace the relationship that I had with alcohol. The AA fellowship is a great start.
Congrats again and I hope that your recovery is slow and that it lasts a life time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
